Does It Ever Rain In LA?
by bobbieyoung
Summary: An unexpected encounter between two strangers... slow burn. Re-upload.
1. Part I

**_Because there have been many asks if I could upload it again. I did NOT go over it, so there are still all the typos, mistakes in it. Very sorry in advance. It was written a long time ago._**

* * *

 **Chapter 1 *Lights***

" _Did you write that interview while sleeping? Seriously it's just badly written. You do know that this internship is your possibility to make it big, right? Don't screw it up, Lopez."_

Ugh! Goddamned! I know that this is the one chance I have. Why does Shelby hate me so much? Did I ever do something to offend her? I don't think so! Basically all I ever do is kiss her ass all day long and let her boss me around. She thinks I'm her personal assistant or something when actuallywe are supposed to work as a _team_. Just because she's twenty years older doesn't mean I'm her servant now.

I admit: she's a freakin' genius art director and everything she touches turns into gold while I am nothing but an inexperienced copy writer who's supposed to learn from her. Maybe I do… of course I do. But it would be much more pleasant if I didn't have to run for coffee or a bagel every ten minutes. That's exaggerated. But still… she loves bossing me around when she's not even my real boss. Sue Sylvester is. And compared to _her_ Shelby is an angelic creature who just wants to play a bit.

But that's what you get when you accept an internship at the Sylvester-Magazine. Our magazine covers pretty much everything around entertainment and I'm working with or rather _for_ Shelby Corcoran in the celebrity department. Not as much fun as it sounds… really not.

So after spending hours on that interview with this newcomer actor – a rising star in the business I had never heard of before (which caused quite an embarrassing moment or two), Shelby basically shred it with her fingers and told me to do it all over again. I don't know how to do that. Because I think it was pretty good and also my co-worker Quinn Fabray liked it when I gave it to her to read.

It's personal, obviously and therefore I can rewrite it a hundred times and all Shelby will say is: _'You could do better…'_. So I'm not even going to try. I'll just exchange a couple words and rephrase two or three sentences and that's it.

That interview-fail thing happened _before_ lunch. But then my day really just started. Around 3 o'clock the fire-alarm system went off and almost gave me and Quinn a heart attack. We ran out of our joint office and three minutes later found ourselves outside in front of the building among hundreds of employees, holding our bags and belongings close to our chests and trying to find out what was going on.

It turned out to be a fire drill and after listening to some further instructions we were allowed to go back inside. But then a man standing close to us actually had a _real_ heart attack because of the turmoil going on. I supported the man's head in my lap and tried to talk to him and calm him down while Quinn went to look for the paramedics that were around. Guess they were not expecting an actual emergency…

Later they told me that I helped saving the man's life by staying calm and reacting quickly. I was still trembling when finally the ambulance drove off to get him to a hospital.

After that Quinn and I decided to go for a strong coffee in the cafeteria to calm the nerves and it helped a bit. Until Shelby spotted me enjoying the 'break' and scolded us for not heading straight back to business. I didn't tell her about the man that almost died in my arms. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have given a shit.

So then I thought that the day could not get worse – until it started raining. God I loathe the rain. My dad used to call me the 'sun goddess' and my sister the 'shade plant' because she got burned so quickly and hated sitting in the sun. Which was bit mean I guess…

So all I did for the last two hours before I could go home was sitting at my desk being depressed and moody. Quinn only threw a glance at me at times from opposite the room and wished me a nice weekend when it was finally five o'clock.

I'm now standing next to my car, pissed as hell at what I see. Some dumbass must have bumped into my car because there is a giant scratch along the driver's door. Somebody's not going to be happy about this...

I'm wet from head to toe just by leaving the building and walking across the parking lots to get to my black Nissan. Why is this day so shitty? All I want is to get home in no time and watch a movie and order in. And not think about Shelby and everything she'll ask me to do tomorrow…

Once I'm settled in the car and about to leave the parking lots, I can hardly see through the windshield because thick rain drops are falling down. I drive slowly between the other cars to not scratch another one along the way and I manage successfully. So when I look to the left and want to turn into the street, I step on the gas without bothering to turn signal.

 _Bang!_

My eyes widen when I see a body getting tossed across the hood of my car and a hideous thud sounds in my ears when it lands on the ground a second later.

My heart is racing and I'm sure this time I'm next in line to get a heart attack. My knuckles are white because I'm clutching the steering wheel and cold sweat that comes out of nowhere is forming on my forehead. I'm sick and I want to throw up when I realize that I just hit someone. I freakin' _**hit**_ someone!

It takes another three seconds until I regain the necessary composure to unbuckle my seatbelt and to open the door with trembling hands. As soon as I get out, the rain continues to beat down my head and shoulders but I don't even feel it. The only thing I feel is the hammering in my ribcage and the weakness in my legs that almost won't allow me to make my way around the car. I want to close my eyes because I'm scared to death of what scenery will be offered to me once I reach my victim.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…" I whisper when I see blonde hair spread across the ground. The next thing I see is a bloody forehead and I almost vomit. Eventually my consciousness kicks back in completely and I jump to the body that is lying on the sidewalk next to my car.

"Can you hear me? Hello?" I kneel down to the young woman's body and want to touch her and help her up but my fingers are shaking ridiculously and I'm afraid I'll hurt her even more if I touch her. "Miss? Can you hear me? Oh God I'm so sorry, I didn't see you. Please say something!"

The woman is lying on her side and blonde hair is covering her face. I can see some blood on her forehead and I swallow emptily when I also notice a bruise on her wrist and the ripped jacket on her shoulder. I hold my breath when she stirs and I believe to hear a soft moan coming from her.

"Miss? Can you hear me?" I ask again and reach out to push the hair out of her face. I'm scared to find a nasty scratch across her face or a giant hole in her head or something but luckily there's just the small wound on her forehead that causes the blood. As far as I can see it's not deep though and I exhale a breath of relief. But she could still be hurt worse and have inner bleeding or something like that.

A muffled noise leaves the woman's lips and she finally opens her eyes.

"Are you alright?" Stupid question. Of course she's not alright! I watch how she lifts her head and slowly she sits up and then rests against the tire of my car. Somehow my hands have made their way to her shoulders and I'm helping her to sit upright.

"Ow!" She gasps and I pull back my hand on her left shoulder because I just noticed it's the one where her jacked got ripped. I'm guessing she landed on her shoulder when she fell off the hood.

"What? Is it your shoulder? Is it broken?" I say hastily and try to get a closer look but I can't see anything through the fabric.

"I don't know" The woman mumbles and shrugs. Which causes her to wince and I see immediate tears forming in her eyes.

"Don't move it! Keep still, I'll call an ambulance, ok? It might be broken." I reach into my back pocket to get my iPhone. But when I try to unlock the keys my fingers are still shaking like leaf and I almost drop the phone.

"It's ok, I don't need an ambulance." The blonde mutters and shakes her head. I stare at her in disbelief because I just hit her with my damn car and she's bleeding!

"What? Of course you need one! Look at you, you might be seriously injured." The woman shakes her head again and then makes a move to get up on her feet. "No, wait! Miss you shouldn't get up. You might be-"

"Seriously injured, I know." She finishes my sentence with a weak but slightly annoyed voice. "But I'm not. It's just my shoulder. I've had problems with it ever since I was a cheerleader. It's not broken, I know it." She turns her left shoulder to demonstrate and it looks like it's really not broken. "Help me up" She grabs my arm and although I want her to stay where she is to prevent farther harm, I offer my hand for support. She takes it and together we manage to get her up on her feet.

"Ok, there you go. Are you sure you can walk? Are your legs fine?" I ask and there's a tremble in my voice because I can't quite believe she's standing up and seems to be fine more or less.

I'm looking down at her legs and see that her pants are drenched because of the rain and her white sneakers that look very new are dirty now. When she doesn't answer right away I look up into her face and for the first time we make eye contact.

For a second it feels like I get pulled into that endless blue of her orbs. I have to blink several times because rain drops are falling from my eyelashes and make my view go blurry. Her one hand is still clutching to my arm while the other one is safe in mine and then I remember that I asked a question.

"Do your legs hurt? Can you walk?" I repeat and watch how the woman nods softly. But then her eyes roll back into her head and the next thing I know is how she collapses in my arms. Her whole weight presses into me and I have to use all my physical strengths to not sink back to the ground. "Hey! Hey wake up! Miss!"

Panic walls up inside me because unconsciousness is not a good sign. A very not good sign. Her head is on my shoulder and I can feel her hot breath against my collar bone. She's not dead.

With one arm I support her around her waist and with the other hand I slap her across the face to get her to regain consciousness.

"Mmpf…" Comes through her lips and although I feel bad for slapping her, I'm glad to know she's still there. I turn around and manage to open the passenger door of my car. Carefully I lean into it with the woman's weight still around my shoulders and somehow I manage to get her into the seat. She opens her eyes lazily and when she looks at me I can't help but smile relieved.

"There you are… I'm gonna drive you to the hospital now, ok? Because you just lost consciousness for a minute there." The woman knits her eyebrows together and she looks at me confusedly.

"I did?" I nod and then motion for her to pull her head back so I can close the door. As soon as I know she can't fall out anymore I hurry around the car and jump into the driver's seat. It's still raining heavily and I have to gather my thoughts for a second.

"Ok what's the quickest way to get to the hospital?" I mumble and after checking my mental map of L.A. I know where to go. I look to my right to make sure the woman is still awake. She's fumbling on the seatbelt but her arms seem too weak to pull at it. "Oh wait, let me help you."

I lean over her body and grab the seatbelt. I pull it across her chest and then fasten it to make sure she's safe.

"Are you alright? You think you'll make it to the hospital?" I ask and start the engine to finally leave the parking lots and get the fastest way to the hospital.

"I think so… unless you get us into another accident" The woman mumbles and I bite my tongue.

For the rest of the ride we don't talk. I only throw quick glances at her from time to time to make sure she's still awake.

* * *

Once we get to the hospital she seems to be feeling quite a lot better. She steps out of the car by herself and only reluctantly takes my arm for support but I insist. I guide her to the reception and five minutes later we're sitting next to each other in chairs and with some papers to fill out.

I take the pen and read the first question on the formula.

"What's your name?" I ask her, ready to write it down. She doesn't answer and so I turn to look at her. "We need to fill this out. What's your name?"

She closes her eyes for a minute and I already fear that she's losing consciousness again. But then she sighs softly and throws a tired glance at me before motioning to the paper in my hand.

"It's Brittany"

"Ok" I write the name down and wait for her to tell me her last name because it's quite obvious that 'Brittany' won't be enough. But she doesn't and so I look at her expectantly. "And? I need the whole name."

Brittany touches her forehead and checks her fingers for blood but it has already dried. She takes her time until she parts her lips and takes a deep breath.

"S Pierce…" She mumbles.

"Spears?" I ask and almost burst into laughter when I realize what that name would mean in combination with her first name. She sighs again, this time almost a bit annoyed. She grabs the paper and pen from my hand and scribbles something down. I have to narrow my eyes to read 'Brittany S. Pierce'. Oh… right.

She fills out the whole paper by herself and I feel dumb. First I hit her with my car and then I can't even write her name.

We're still waiting for her to get called out and so I decide to get into talking because I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.

"So, were you on your way home?" I ask and try to sound friendly. I think I do because this time Brittany answers right away.

"Yeah"

"Me, too. I just got off work. What do you do for a living?"

"Nothing"

"Oh… uhm alright." I don't know what to say because now I feel dumb and embarrassed. Way to start a conversation with a person you almost just killed. She throws a look at me and her icy eyes pierce into mine.

"I just got back from a job interview and I got it. But I'm not so sure they'll still want me to start tomorrow as I look like a monster with this scratch on my forehead." Brittany ads and makes the blood in my vein freeze. I liked her better when she was unconscious I must say.

"Look I'm really sorry I ran you over" I start my apology because I realize that I haven't properly done so, yet. "I was in a hurry and it was raining. I really didn't see you…"

The blonde hisses and gives me a pointed look.

"Yeah well maybe you should turn on the lights of your car next time."

I'm speechless because I swear to God I the lights were on. I never drive with the lights off!

"I did! I didn't see you because of the rain!" Brittany shakes her head slowly.

"No, they were off… because I didn't see _**you**_ and therefore I crossed the street. I wouldn't have done that if I had seen your car coming my way."

My mouth is hanging open because I can't believe what she's accusing me of. Yeah, I hit her with my car but I didn't do it on purpose!

"That's not true – they were on."

Brittany shrugs and then grabs a magazine from the small table next to her seat. She opens a random page and her eyes roam over the content of an article.

"They were on…" I repeat rather to myself than saying it to Brittany. Who does she think she is? I already feel bad enough.

"They were not." She mumbles and I almost don't catch it. I want to protest because this is getting ridiculous but then a woman calls her name and lets us know that Brittany's next. I get up with her and want to follow her but she turns around. I almost walk into her but can prevent another crash.

"I'll go alone." She states convincingly and of course she's going alone! Why did I get up? She's not my child or something! I nod and sit down in my chair again. "And you don't have to wait. I'll get a cab home. Thanks"

She's already walking away when I call her back.

"Wait! Please let my drive you home, I feel really bad. It's the least I can do to make sure you get home safe." Brittany turns around and one of her eyebrows is pulled up.

"Make sure I get home safe?" She asks mockingly. "I think it's a little too late for that." Okay, that's enough. If she doesn't want my help – no problem.

"Fine… I just wanted to help but you know what? I just lost interest in your wellbeing. Sorry for trying to be nice after hitting you with my car." I answer and I'm a bit surprised about my reaction. Brittany just looks at me and tilts her head slightly.

"Whatever you say." She mumbles unimpressed and then walks away without looking back.

I'm still standing there with my hands on my hips and anger boiling up inside me. My eyes follow her until she's gone around a corner and I shake my head with disbelief.

"Bitch" I mumble and earn an offended look from an old lady sitting across me. "Oh! Not you! Sorry…"

I grab my bag and my jacket from the chair I had been sitting on and then leave the hospital as quick as possible.

* * *

Everything hurts when I get home. My head, my feet, my back, my arms… What a shitty day. I drop my bag and kick off my shoes before I walk into the living room. I can hear voices from the television but when I reach the couch there is no one there. I sigh and grab the remote control to turn it off before I disappear in the bathroom.

Twenty minutes later I have showered, eaten a few bites of some leftovers, brushed my teeth and I'm on my way to get to bed. I carefully open the door to not make too much noise and only turn on the small light on my bedside table. I throw a quick glance to the other side of the bed and smile when I see that my husband's fast asleep.

I change into my sleeping clothes and once I'm under the sheets I turn off the lights. I turn to the side so I can look at Gabe in the dark. Although he's sleeping he looks exhausted. Probably had a hell of a day, too. But also he looks bit older than usual…

Well… he _is_ 37 and therefore fourteen years older than me but still. Tonight he looks different. He's working way too much… but as a doctor with such promising skills he can never say no to anything. He's always there whenever somebody needs his help. I only knew what to do when this man had a heart attack because Gabe has told me so many times. It finally paid off.

I could have brought this Brittany girl to his practice and he would have taken care of her right away. But it's on the other side of town and I'm sure he had enough to do anyways.

When I close my eyes the pictures of the accident wash over me and I wince. The body on my windshield, the blood on her forehead… the man with the heart attack driving off with the ambulance.

I move closer to my husband and grab his wrist.

"Gabe?" I whisper and hope dearly that he'll wake up. But he doesn't. Whenever he sleeps, he sleeps like a rock. I sigh and turn on my back to stare at the ceiling.

What if she had serious injuries that I couldn't see? What if she collapsed again and I will never know that she died in the hospital right after I left?

But then again she looked fine when I did. She even snapped at me. Why was she so mean? On one hand I hope to see her again so I can apologize again and pay for the hospital bill – shoot! I didn't give her my number. She doesn't even know my name. Why did she not ask for it? It's sort of in her interest, right?

But on the other hand I hope our ways won't cross again. Because I don't know how to handle someone like her. I don't even know what that means.

But I definitely had the lights on…

* * *

 **Chapter 2 *Pictures***

 _ **In another part of town…Brittany…**_

Brittany S. Pierce turns the key in the lock and slowly steps into her dark apartment. It's hot inside – is the heat broken again? Shit… she heads straight to the fridge and opens the freezer to get herself some ice. But she doesn't have some so she takes a pack of frozen peas instead. How long have they been in there? She should definitely go through her freezer and sort out all the old stuff that must be poisoned. But not right now… she scuffs across the living room and sinks down on her tiny couch. With a hiss she presses the peas against her forehead because it aches like fuck.

The doctor said her head is fine. Everything is fine except for her shoulder. But that probably isn't the fault of the woman who ran her over. Brittany has been working out too much and not looked out for her damaged shoulder, so every careless move means a stinging ache.

But this whole accident was so not necessary! Why did this have to happen today? Oh well, it's not like she has enough energy to get really upset about it. She would have ripped the Latina into pieces for hitting her with that ugly car if she had been in the mood. Bitch could have turned the lights on and none of this would have happened.

She probably should have asked for her number because not just her body got damaged but also the phone in her pocket broke when she landed on that windshield. Who's gonna pay for a new one? It was an old one but still… how's she supposed to call Puck and tell him she's not up to go for a drink tonight? It's late anyways… not that she actually cares because she's pretty much lived the life of a ghost in the past two years anyway but she has to get up early tomorrow if she wants to make it to that job. Rachel and Puck will kill her if she doesn't go.

Only thanks to Rachel she could go to the job interview and that old grimly grandmother boss gave her the job. If Brittany actually gave a shit then she'd look at it as a triumph for getting the job but really she just did it for the money. She's a freelancer so she'll do the job, take the money and leave again after three months. It's okay.

Her glance wanders around in her small flat. She doesn't possess many things. But there's one giant television pinning on the wall – her best friend next to Puck.

Then her eyes land on the picture on a small table next to the couch. It's the only picture she's got framed in this apartment and actually the only picture she's got left. Of them together.

It's always been Brittany's favorite picture of her and Diane. They are sitting in the backseat of Brittany's first car and licking popsicles. Diane is holding the camera and it's a bit blurry but it doesn't matter. It's an old witness of the good times they had.

The picture was taken a year after they started dating and back then they were head over heels with each other. Brittany was very much in love with her the whole two years where they were a couple but that first year was the best. The most carefree one because they were young, twenty-one to be precise and fine. More than fine…

Di looks so pretty in that picture, Brittany thinks. Long blonde hair and her skin tanned and healthy. And that silly Popsicle dripping all over her hand. Brittany pulls her glance away, realizing that she's once again reminiscing about times that were long ago. Actually just a year, nine months and ten days but who's counting.

She startles when there's a knock on her door and a deep voice asks for her.

" _Britt? Why are you not waiting outside? We said 8.30 remember? I wrote you like five messages."_ Brittany sighs and gets up. She walks across the living room and opens the door to let Puck in. She doesn't look at him when he steps inside but it'll take like two seconds until he sees it.

"Holy shit hell, Britt! What the fuck happened to your head? And… and why is there a bruise on your wrist? Dude?" Brittany motions to the couch and Puck silently follows her instructions. He watches her while Brittany steps back into the kitchen and returns with two beers a short while later.

She collapses next to him on the couch and reaches him a bottle.

"It's nothing much… got hit by a car." She states easily and takes a long sip. Puck's eyes pop out of his head and his mouth hangs open. Instinctively he reaches out and touches her arm carefully.

"What? When? And who was that asshole?" Brittany snickers and takes another sip.

"When I was on my way home from the job interview. I got the job by the way." Puck's smile beams all over his face but then he gets serious again.

"That's great, Britt. But seriously – where did you get hit by a car? Was it intention? On a crosswalk?" Brittany slowly shakes her head.

"Nah… it was just a small street and I didn't see the car pulling out of a parking lot because the bitch behind the wheel didn't have her lights on. But I guess she didn't hit me intentionally." Puck hisses bitterly and drinks out of his bottle.

"Women can't drive. It should be illegal." He earns a hard slap on his arm and gasps.

"Don't shriek like a girl, Puckerman. And also I drive a whole lot better than you."

He apologizes with a laugh and then checks out the scratch on Brittany's forehead.

"Guess there will be a tiny scar, huh? But don't worry about it… Scars are sexy. Speaking of; was she at least hot?"

"Who?"

"The gal who ran you over, duh. I assume she took you to the hospital or something?" Brittany stares into her bottle and thinks about it. Every sane straight guy or gay woman on the whole planet would have thought she was hot. She was insanely beautiful to be honest. When Brittany was sitting on the ground and leaning against the car and the woman was hovering over her to have a look at Brittany's shoulder, she totally checked out her boobs and they were… really nice.

They were pressed into her face practically so it's not like she had any other choice but to look. She was too dizzy anyways to actually enjoy it. But it doesn't matter if she was hot. Brittany could care less.

"No" She answers and rests the cold bottle against her forehead. Puck chuckles and puts his feet on the small table in front of them. He takes the remote control that is lying on the couch and turns on the TV.

"Bad liar…" He mumbles after zapping the channels and then they fall silent. They watch a rerun of Beverly Hills – their guilty pleasure and well hidden secret – and drink a second beer. They do this way too often. Just hang out in front of the TV at either her or Puck's place and do nothing. They could go out and have fun. Well, Puck does so every now and then and a year ago Brittany would join him all the time.

They got hammered until they couldn't walk straight, would pick up girls at bars and fuck their brains out so they could forget. Puck wanted to forget about his child that he wasn't allowed to see and Brittany wanted to forget about… Diane.

It did work out for her at first. She slept with so many girls, it was a wonder she hadn't caught any nasty diseases. But it only worked for a couple months. And once it stopped working she decided to just be depressed and bitch at everyone she cared about. She didn't have to pretend to be alright, she just snapped at everyone around her so they would leave her alone. She almost lost Puck and Rachel as her friends. But they stayed. They are the only ones who stayed.

* * *

Two hours later Brittany sinks into bed, feeling utterly exhausted. She grabs the "new" phone from the bedside table to set the alarm. When she told Puck that her phone was broken he didn't hesitate and gave her his. He possesses like seven different phones so Brittany accepted. He's a real good friend.

She switched SIM cards and she was set again. This phone is ten times better than her old and broken one. She should get hit by cars way more often maybe.

Then she would make the Latina feel bad over and over again by telling her that she didn't need a ride home, too afraid that they wouldn't arrive safely.

Maybe that was a little harsh… but then again she deserved it. Just because she's pretty doesn't mean that Brittany isn't mad about it. Because it freakin' hurt! Weird thing is though; it almost felt good to feel the pain when getting tossed through the air and landing on the hard, cold concrete. It reminded her that she still felt things.

And when the Latina helped her up and they shared eye contact, it was like a sharp something stabbed her heart-

What the fuck? Why is she thinking about this? This is so not what she wants to think about right now! The woman almost killed her and that's why she'll think of her as… as bad! And if they should _ever_ walk into each other again, then Brittany will make clear that she'll blame her forever.

But they're _not_ going meet again anyways so that is off the table.

* * *

 _ **Santana's POV… the next morning…**_

The scent of coffee is like medicine to my brain and body. I haven't slept this awfully in years… I couldn't fall asleep until 3am and then I had the weirdest dreams. For example I was homeless and tried to sell very solid windshields on the streets. And then four hours later the alarm clock woke me up in a very ungentle way.

"Good morning" Gabe greets me when I step into our giant kitchen. It's really huge. Our whole apartment is humungous actually. I could never ever afford it if I was alone. Gabe won't let me pay for rent as long as I'm an intern because let's just say he makes enough money to easily afford three of these apartments. He loves to spoil me so I never really tried to convince him any other way. But once I make a decent salary I'll insist on paying at least a third of the rent.

"Hey babe" I walk up to him and press my lips to his for a good morning kiss. He grins and reaches me a cup of coffee. Black, no sugar – the way I need it to wake up. I'll probably need more than one today though.

"Did you sleep alright? I heard you getting up several times and disappear into the kitchen." He asks with his eyebrows pulled up. I take the chair in front of him at the kitchen counter and pour some milk into my cereals that are already on the table.

"Ugh… I had the worst day and then I had trouble falling asleep."

"What happened? Did Shelby invent a new in-between job you have to do? That woman is such a beast."

I chuckle when I see the anger in Gabe's eyes whenever he talks about Shelby. He hates her for the way she treats me because no matter how hard I try – it's never enough. Quinn and I could write an identical article or advertisement text and Shelby would hate mine and love Quinn's.

"No, it wasn't Shelby this time. Well at first it was. She didn't like my interview and pretty much told me I'm an incompetent idiot. And then there was a fire practice and an elder man had an actual heart attack." Gabe's eyes widen. "And thanks to your instructions I helped saving his life."

He grins widely and high-fives me over the counter.

"That's my wife. But it does sound like a real bad day… anything else happened?"

"Actually I-" I hold my breath and narrow my eyes. Gabe's glance is wandering over the headlines of the newspaper in front of him. I was just about tell him about what happened once I got off work but suddenly something inside me keeps me from doing so. I don't know what it is but somehow it feels like this is something I will never tell anybody about.

"Uhm… someone must have bumped into my car. There is a scratch along the driver's door." Gabe looks up and looks at me funnily.

"You sure it wasn't _you_ who bumped into someone else?"

"What? Why would you think that? The scratch was there when I got to my car! I didn't hit _anyone_!" Suddenly my voice is loud and I realize that I'm acting weird when Gabe gives me a puzzled look.

"I know, baby I was just messing with you. I only said that because two months ago you hit our garden fence when you drove my car for the first time, remember?" He says quickly with an apologetic expression.

"Oh" I do remember. "Right… well your car _is_ huge, ok?" I mumble softly and hide my face behind the coffee mug. I pretend to read the information on the box of cereals and throw a stolen glance at Gabe. If I told him that I actually hit a real life person yesterday then…

"I might be a couple minutes late tonight." He states and gets up from his chair to put the dishes away.

"Huh?"

"We're having dinner with your parents, did you forget? 7pm. I probably won't make it on time but I'll be there, promise." He pecks my cheek and then disappears into our bedroom.

Right… dinner with my parents. I can't wait.

* * *

"Don't get me wrong but you look like shit today. Did Shelby already show up and insult you?" Quinn asks when she sits down at her desk. She's wearing a sun hat because the weather is lovely today – almost as if yesterday never happened – and looks like a breeze of summer actually. I don't know how she does it. She always looks like she lives in a fashion magazine and she doesn't even have to put much effort into it. She's a natural.

"Gee thanks, Quinn. That's how I want you to always greet me from now on. Makes me feel awesome." I mumble with my eyes glued to the computer in front of me. I've been here for thirty minutes and working on the stupid interview that Shelby wants on her desk by ten pm. Quinn always shows up later than me and Shelby would never say something. But if it was the other way round then it wouldn't be ok of course.

"Did you have a fight with Gabe?" Quinn asks and turns on her computer. I look up and raise my eyebrows.

"What makes you think that?"

"Just because you look tired and then I thought maybe you're having trouble or something."

"No we didn't have a fight. Everything's alright. I just didn't sleep well. Can I not sleep well once without you assuming that my marriage isn't going well?" I snap and Quinn shoots a wondering glance across the room.

"Someone's in a bad mood today…" She mumbles and then focuses on her papers in front of her.

For the rest of the morning we don't talk about my lack of sleep or about my marriage. It's probably better this way.

* * *

Five minutes to ten o'clock I'm standing in front of Shelby's office, the corrected interview printed out in my left hand and a big can of coffee in my right.

" _Come in!"_ I hear her voice from inside after I knock on the door.

"Oh, Santana there you are! I need my caffeine, thanks." Shelby babbles once I've stepped inside and walked across the office to Shelby's desk. She takes the coffee out of my hand first and takes a couple sips before she reaches for the interview.

I decide to stand there and wait for her comment – better get over with it now. I observe Shelby and how she puts on her glasses and reads a couple lines of my interview. She's wearing a nice purple dress and her hair is dark and silky, spread over her shoulders.

All the guys here at Sylvester magazine have a secret crush on her despite the fact that she freaks them out. I can't really blame them. She is an attractive woman. Physically. But inside she's a demon. The Satan's child and Sue Sylvester is the Satan. Yeah…

"Well, well…" She states and drops the paper on her desk. I hold my breath when Shelby tilts her head to the side and then parts her lips. "I guess you did better than last time." I exhale relieved because these words from Shelby Corcoran mean quite something.

"But" There it is. Of course it's not fine just yet. "You see… I know you're new in this whole celebrity department with interviews and reports and stuff. So far you've done much more work as a copy writer and therefore you're gonna need some more practice." I knit my eyebrows together because I don't know what comes next. Why do I need more practice and Quinn doesn't? Honestly I think I write better than Quinn and I'm not trying to sound too self-assured here. "And therefore it comes in quite handy that Sue has hired a new co-worker yesterday."

Something rotates in my brain. She _did_ say something about a new journalist to join our team but that was right before the fire alarm system went off and I didn't think about it anymore.

"She's one of the best in her area. She's got sources no one else has ever heard of or even thought they might exist. I got to know her right after her job interview with Sue and she completely blew me away." I swallow and suddenly I feel like the air is getting bit weird in here. It couldn't be… could it? "She's young, she's clever and she writes and takes pictures like a God. But mostly – she knows people. She knows how we can get those interviews and she knows how to write them. Santana, you're gonna learn a lot from her." The panic must be written all over my face because if this turns out to be what I currently think it might be then…

 _Knock-knock!_

Shelby and I both turn our heads to the door and I swallow again.

"Oh that must be her!" Shelby exclaims and gets up from her chair with a happy expression on her face. It feels like slow motion when I watch Shelby walk to the door and open it with a grin on her face that makes me want to punch her. But what reaches my eyes once the door is open tops it all.

There she is… tall, blonde and wearing skin tight jeans plus heels and a black blazer stands the woman I hit with my car not even twenty-four hours ago. The scratch on her forehead is covered with a very subtle white band aid and you almost don't see it anyways because her wavy blonde hair is way too distracting. She steps inside but once our glances meet she stops abruptly and we stare at each other for estimated ten seconds without saying a word.

"Brittany it's good to see you again today, we were just talking about you. This is one of my two interns, Santana Lopez. She's part of the team." Shelby then turns towards me and points to the blonde next to her. "Santana this is Brittany Pierce, a freelance journalist and she'll be working with us for the next three months."

I gulp and awake from my trance-like state when Brittany makes a step towards me, her hand reaching out. Before I know it we're shaking hands and crystal blue eyes are piercing into mine.

"So it's Santana Lopez…" She states calmly but I'm pretty sure to make out a dangerous flash in her eyes. "Now that's what I call a surprise." She adds with no actual recognition in her voice or face.

We're still holding hands when I finally remember how to speak.

" _Uhwe-blcome-u_ " comes out of my mouth and it looks like I did _not_ remember how to speak coherently. Shelby stares at me like I'm from a different planet and something in the corner of Brittany's lips twitches maliciously. Or am I making that up in my mind?

"I mean… nice to meet you, Brittany." I manage to say after a mental slap to the back of my head. "That's indeed quite a surprise."

I finally pull back my hand because weirdly it's starting to sweat. Shelby looks back and forth between us with her eyebrows almost disappearing underneath her hair.

"You two already know each other?" She asks dopey and I throw a short glance back at Brittany.

"Not, exactly." Brittany speaks up and still stares at me with narrowed eyes. "Let's just say we sort of… ran into each other, yesterday." Shelby makes an impressed face and then shrugs.

"Great! Well then I'd say we get straight to business. Brittany, I want to show you around first and show you your office. I know you'll be working at home, too but we still want you to have your own little privacy here. Afterwards we can all have lunch together and get to know each other better. And then I'd say we discuss the next steps later. I must say I have a really good feeling about this." She says with a smile and touches Brittany's shoulder to guide her back to the door. Before she opens it she turns to me.

"Inform Quinn about lunch, will you? And I want that other article we talked about last week ready by three o'clock. Clear?" I bite my teeth together and nod.

"Clear"

Shelby nods satisfied and then opens the door to step outside. Brittany throws another glance over her shoulder and then the two are gone.

I stand there alone in Shelby's office and scratch my forehead for at least ten minutes. I mean that's just… I don't know the word to describe what's going on inside me right now. I don't think it exists actually. Because to be teamed up with the person you almost killed – out of all the people in L.A.!

No… that word does not exist.

* * *

 **Chapter 3 *Beginnings***

I don't remember too much about the walk back from Shelby's office to mine. It's just two doors farther but all I was thinking was: Unbelievable…

Quinn gives me another weird look when I sink back into my chair and bury my face in my hands. I peek at her between two fingers and just shake my head. I feel the massive urge to tell someone about this ridiculous coincidence.

If I think about it, it's not _that_ big of a coincidence. It's not like I hit a person with my car and then that person showed up again in my life to be my future co-worker. I mean this is exactly what happened BUT Brittany has already applied for the job _before_ I hit her. She was in the same building as I was yesterday afternoon. We could have crossed each other's way in the halls when she arrived for the job interview and therefore you cannot compare this whole thing to something like fate or destiny. It's a small, silly coincidence that I hit her with my car in the parking lots of the Sylvester magazine.

"Aaaare you ok?" Quinn asks hesitantly and with her eyebrows up. I let out a long and weepy sigh and shake my head again.

"Can't really say" I mumble between my hands.

"What?"

I lean back in my chair and shrug. "I said I can't really say if I'm ok. Have you heard about that new employee? I mean have you met her?"

"No" Quinn shakes her head unknowingly. "Why? Who is she?"

"Ugh… it's bit weird. Shelby and Sue have found this _genius_ journalist who apparently knows the best sources for our celebrity department and interviews and so on."

"Ok. And that's a weird thing?"

"I guess not but the weird thing is that I sort of-" Screw the whole idea of keeping this a secret. "I sort of ran her over with my car yesterday. When I was pulling out of the parking lots – she came out of nowhere!" Still a small amount of panic walls up inside me even though I know she's fine and very vivid, probably just a few doors down the hall. Maybe that's what causes the panic.

Quinn stares at me in shock and she drops the pen in her hand.

"What? You have what?! Santa-"

"No she's fine, ok? She's… she's fine, she's here actually. She's uhm…"

"But wasn't she hurt badly? Did she have to go to the hospital?" Quinn asks still covering her mouth with her hand.

"Little bit" I admit but shrug it off. "But the fact that she showed up for work says that she's back to normal, right? I mean she wouldn't be here if she wasn't alright. Right?"

Quinn must notice the insecurity in my voice and lets her hand run through her hair.

"I don't know. I don't know her. So have you talked to her? She mad? She must be furious."

I exhale a frustrated grunt because 'furious' does not really match the blonde's reaction when she saw me. It was rather a silent detestation that she communicated with her frosty glare.

"Sort of. Shelby introduced us properly and also she wants us all to go for lunch together."

"Ok. Cool. I mean I'm sure she'll be a great addition to the team although you're responsible for her almost death. Shelby must be so mad at you." Quinn snickers but falls silent when she sees the horror in my face. Oh my God Shelby can never find out about this! She'll fire me without batting an eye!

"She doesn't know about it! And this can never change. I'll have to ask Brittany to not tell anyone." So it's a lost battle.

"Good luck with that. But don't worry, _my_ lips are sealed." Quinn promises and winks at me. And with that we return to our work while the bad conscience is still nagging at me.

* * *

It's 12 o'clock when Quinn and I step into a fancy restaurant. Shelby emailed us the address twenty minutes ago and so we came here as fast as we could.

Actually I am hungry but when the waiter guides us to the table for 'Corcoran' I sort of lose my appetite. I knew I would have to face the blonde again and during the drive here I was mentally preparing myself and thought of ways to start a possible conversation with Brittany. But when I see her sitting there between Shelby and another woman I get cold feet and just want to go home and hide in my bed. How can I look into her eyes and not feel like a monster?

I sense Quinn's hand on my lower back and how she pushes me further because she must have noticed my hesitation. Something distracts my worries when we approach the table though. At first I didn't recognize the woman sitting on Brittany's left at the round table but when all three of them look up I recognize Rachel Berry.

She's in our fashion department and Shelby's niece. Actually they look like twins which cracks me up inside every time I see these two together.

"Oh hello girls, have a seat. We already ordered. I hope a light salad with shrimps is fine?" Shelby greets us and motions to the two empty chairs. I sit down next to her and nod yes while Quinn thanks her politely.

"Hey guys, it's good to see you! Shelby invited me to join your little group for lunch because I ran into them in the hallway" Rachel begins with a big smile on her face. "And also to celebrate one of my best friend's first day at work. I'm so glad to have her on board because she's so good at what she does." She beams and earns a smirk from the blonde.

"Don't exaggerate, Rach. But thanks, I'm glad to be here, too for the next three months." Brittany states and then she reaches her hand to Quinn. "I'm sorry, I don't think we've met before. I'm Brittany Pierce."

Quinn shakes her hand and throws a short glance at me, probably to make sure that this is the woman I hit with my car.

"Oh hey, it's nice to meet you. I'm Quinn Fabray and an intern like Santana. She told me you've uh- met." Was that last sentence really necessary? Brittany nods and our glances meet for the first time since we've gotten here.

"That's right. Are you nervous?" She asks towards me and this sort of puts me off my stride.

"Uhm what?"

Brittany points to my hand and when I look down I see that I'm fumbling with the fork in my fingers. Luckily I don't need to answer the question because two waiters appear at our table and serve us five very expensive looking shrimp salads.

"Bon appétit!" Rachel squeals and grins at me brightly.

I don't know about this Rachel girl. I've talked to her a couple times during coffee breaks or when I needed something from her. She actually seems nice and I guess we're colleagues but I'm still glad I share an office with Quinn and not with her. She's just… bit annoying. Quinn and Rachel on the other hand _do_ get along quite well and if I think about it, that's probably the only reason I spend some of my coffee breaks with Rachel in the same room.

During those six months that I've been working for the Sylvester magazine I have made one good friend and that's Quinn. Then there are a couple others that I get along with quite well like Mike Chang or Kurt Hummel who both work in the fashion department, too and sometimes we go for a drink after work. And I guess Rachel kind of belongs to that circle, too but we never do something just the two of us. Like… no thanks.

While we're eating it's mostly Rachel and Shelby who are talking. They are discussing the September edition of the Sylvester and that there might be two or three hard months ahead of us because the rival magazines are getting quite big. I learn that Rachel and Brittany went to college together and that Shelby has big hopes in both of them.

I find it bit weird of her to say this during lunch. I don't know why but when I throw a glance at Brittany, I see how she's smiling bit uncomfortably and when she senses my eyes on her, she glares at me causing me to look away quickly.

"Hey Britt" Rachel speaks up with a big spoon of chocolate mousse in her mouth once dessert has arrived. She swallows and then carefully touches Brittany's forehead. "What happened here? Did you burn yourself with the curling iron again?" She chuckles.

My glance drops to the covered graze on Brittany's forehead and my stomach turns when I know exactly that this isn't the result of a curling iron accident but a very different accident.

From the corner of my eye I see Quinn narrowing her glance and how she turns her head towards me. Shelby watches Brittany wordlessly, waiting for a simple explanation and once Brittany parts her lips, I mentally say goodbye to my job at one of the best magazines on the northern hemisphere. I stare onto my plate and wait for Brittany to say it.

"Yeah, actually" She states calmly and I hold my breath because I'm not sure what that means. What were Rachel's words? Curling ironer? I slowly dare to look up and find Brittany's eyes on me but we're not making eye contact. She shrugs simply and then takes her glass to guide it to her lips.

"Oh" Rachel breathes and looks back and forth between her and Shelby, surprised about the obvious answer and then she chuckles again. "How many times have I told you to be careful with that thing…" She mumbles and takes another spoon of mousse.

The rest of us do the same and the heavenly taste of chocolate in our mouths causes everyone to fall into silence for a couple minutes.

"Excuse me" Brittany says once the waiter has put our dishes away and she gets up to leave to the ladies' room. My glance follows her until she disappears behind a door and I bite my lip. Soon Rachel and Quinn find a new topic to discuss and when Shelby joins in, I decide to get up, too.

"Sorry, I'll be right back. Drank way too much water." I mumble and earn Quinn's funny look. But I don't bother and make quick steps to get to the bathroom.

Once I'm in there I hear a toilet flush and three seconds later Brittany appears from one of the stalls. She pauses for a second when she sees me standing in front of the sinks. She steps next to me and washes her hands without looking to the side. While I'm trying to find the right words, she grabs a paper towel and dries her fingers. Then she turns her body to face mine and looks at me expectantly.

"Do you have a question or why are you ogling like that?" Oh boy…

"Uh no"

Brittany nods and wants to pass me by in order to get to the door but I reach out to stop her. I don't touch her but still her eyes drop to my hand that is just a few inches away from her stomach.

"But I wanted to say thanks for not telling Shelby about the accident. She would kill me probably. Considering how much she likes you already. And then you're also her niece's best friend and-" The hard look in Brittany's eyes is really distracting and I feel like my head is swimming a bit. "So yeah. Thanks."

Brittany studies my face and I don't know why I feel utterly uncomfortable when she's doing so.

"What makes you think I haven't told her, yet?" She asks and _now_ I'm puzzled. But then I know she must be bluffing because Shelby would have definitely ripped my head off by now if she knew I harmed her star.

"Because Shelby wouldn't have been able to eat her lunch due to a foaming mouth." I answer smugly and something in Brittany's facials changes. It's almost like she wants to laugh but is quick enough to keep from doing so.

"Right" She comments and motions to the door behind me. But I don't make space for her to get there, yet.

"Wait, I also wanted to say I'm truly sorry. Honestly I couldn't sleep all night. What did the doctor say? Are there really no severe injuries?" I know I said that I'm no longer interested in her wellbeing after she blew me off at the hospital, but let's be honest here – of course I still am. Brittany shrugs and points to her forehead with the small patch covering the scratch.

"I'll survive. Can I go back now?" She doesn't wait for an answer and just brushes against me to finally leave the restroom. When she does so, her shoulder touches mine and a wave of a very feminine perfume or body lotion reaches my nose. It's a good one. She opens the door and leaves me alone in silence.

I follow after I wait for another minute. I should feel better now that I know she's doing fine and that she doesn't seem interested in telling Shelby about the accident but I don't. I don't feel better.

* * *

It's three hours later and I'm waiting impatiently for the last thirty minutes to go by so I can go home. The events of the past two days have been weird and giving me a headache. Within the same train of thought I realize that Gabe and I are going to have our monthly dinner with my parents tonight and I could cry instantly. Dinner with my parents is so exhausting and so far I haven't been successful in trying to turn the monthly event into an 'every-other-monthly-event'.

I open a drawer of my desk and look for some painkillers when the door opens and Quinn comes back. She was gone for the past forty minutes – quite a long break. She approaches her working space and speaks over her shoulder.

"So I had a little chat with Rachel" I keep my eyes on the content of my drawer until I find what I'm looking for, not really interested in what Quinn has to say right now. "And I asked her about this Brittany girl because… honestly she seems a bit strange to me."

I glance up because now she's caught my interest. Sort of.

"What do you mean?" Quinn sits down and crosses her arms in front of her chest. She gives me a pointed look.

"Well she said that she and a Noah guy are like her only friends and that Brittany has her reasons if she seems bit cruel at times." I huff. At times?

"What reasons?" I wonder aloud and Quinn shrugs.

"She didn't really say. She was bit vague when she said that Brittany has lost many dear things in the past. Like does she mean a person or something? I don't know…" Quinn's phone goes off and I'm actually glad about it.

I wonder what Rachel meant by losing dear things and at the same time I don't want to know. Brittany has just become a bigger mystery to me and I don't even want to think about her this intensely!

She'll be around for the next three months and I'll have to just go with it and not bother too much. She doesn't seem interested in making peace and so I should just save the energy and focus on why I'm here. And that is work.

* * *

"Hello sweetheart, you look stunning as always. Did you not bring Gabe with you?" My father kisses me on both cheeks when I reach him sitting at a table. For the second time that day I feel bit uneasy to eat in such an expensive restaurant. Those restaurants are not really my thing and I just oblige because my dad would laugh at me if I suggested something like Breadstix for one of our dinners.

"Oh you know Gabe… he's never on time. He said something about a surgery he's never done before and that it might take hours. But he'll get here as soon as possible. Hi mom." I lean across the table to hug my mother who sits next to my dad.

"I know exactly what you mean, Santana. Do you think your father was once early to pick me up for a date when we were younger? Never." She laughs and nudges my dad's shoulder when he pulls a face. Then he chuckles because he knows that my mother is just joking. Well, I don't think she's just being funny.

Here's the deal about my parents: I have no idea why these two people got married in the first place. They share as much affection for each other as I and a spider do. Which is none at all. They probably got married because my mother was pregnant with my brother Ricky and this was quite a tragedy back then. But they don't love each other. Still they pretend as if they do and over the years I have come to terms to just accept their little play and hope that my relationship would never turn out to be like theirs.

So far I'm on a good path I'd say. Gabe and I didn't get married because I was pregnant. We got to know each other when I was nineteen and he was Ricky's best buddy. They studied medicine together and we soon started to get along quite well. I had a small crush on him but me being nineteen and him being thirty-three was just kind of not right back then and so we became friends.

We were good friends for three years where I often went for barbecue with Gabe and my brother or a football game or a trip to New York once. It was innocent, it was good.

But once I turned twenty-one and Gabe and I were bridesmaid and best man at Ricky's and Julia's wedding… we danced all night together and then he took me to the beach where he managed to make a fire after fifty minutes of rubbing wood together and me laughing my ass off. I don't know if it was my idea or his but we went for a swim with our clothes on and Gabe lost the keys to his car in the ocean. The walk back to my house took us two hours because our mobiles and money were locked in the car.

The last three miles he carried me on his back and when he dropped me off at my place he confessed his love.

It took another month until we became a couple but I realized that the crush from three years ago came back to the surface and that I liked him more than a friend. Ten months later he asked me to marry him. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't caught off guard when he presented me the sinfully expensive engagement ring. At first I thought he was joking because I wasn't even twenty-two yet and already supposed to say 'I do'?

But Gabe said that I was the one and that he had never felt so sure about something. Looking back it does make sense. He was almost thirty-six and at that age you can be sure about things, about what you want in life. Everybody in my surroundings was thrilled that Gabe had proposed to me – we were a dream couple to many of them. I'm not even sure why but probably because we got along so well and the story "from friends to lovers" sort of makes everyone go 'awww' whenever I tell them.

Anyway my parents were probably the ones who were the most thrilled about it. My dad is a doctor, too and therefore he's adored Gabe long before he and I became a couple. He was my brother's best friend, polite, with a marvelous career ahead and very sincere intentions about me. My parents loved him, my friends loved him.

Everything was screaming at me to say yes. And so after two days of thinking about it, I did. I said yes to Gabe and a life of stability. Yes to a marriage with only the second person I had ever been with and yes to only be with him for the rest of my life.

We've been married for a year and a half now and what can I say. I do feel safe. This is stability. He gives me anything I could wish for. Or anything I could ask for? He gave me this beautiful apartment with a small rose garden to die for, all the furniture in our living room is the best you can find and I think I possess more jewelry than the Queen herself.

Truth is I never wished for all those things… I would have been happy in a smaller apartment with one comfy couch instead of those two giant leather sofas. One necklace is all I need to feel pretty with this Gucci dress tonight. The things you wish for and all you can ask for are different things. They are so different... and I only begin to realize this now.

We're halfway through the meal when Gabe finally arrives. He called me and said we should start eating without him and that I should just order something for him. He kisses my mother on the cheek and hugs my dad like an old friend.

He looks good in this black suit and shiny shoes. But honestly I wouldn't mind if we all showed up wearing jeans, sneakers and hoodies. Actually I'd like that.

My mom grins when Gabe sits down next to me and kisses me. His cologne is manly and strong – quite a bit too much.

"I'm sorry but there were complications. Everything turned out well though. You look beautiful, darling. Do you want some more wine?"

He pours me another glass when I nod and leans back in his chair with an exhausted sigh.

"So Gabriel… tell me about that surgery that you've never done before. I'm sure you want to know if I would have done it exactly the same way as you did." My father asks and Gabe starts babbling right away. At first I listen to them but when the word 'pancreas' falls for the seventh time, I drift off with my thoughts and just nod from time to time.

I wonder what dear things Brittany lost. Did she lose a job she loved? Did her house burn down with all her belongings? Or did she lose a beloved person, her brother or sister maybe?

I'll probably never find out because she clearly doesn't want to be something like friends. But then again that's bit early to say, right? We only got to know each other yesterday and well… under not so lucky circumstances. It was a beginning of something I have no idea about.

But there is something about her. Something that freaks me out and intrigues me at the same time. Whatever it is; I'm already too interested to shrug it off.

* * *

 **Chapter 4 *Moves***

I love Fridays… Especially this one because it will mark the end of a week that I just want to forget about. On Monday I hit a stranger with my car but she survives without any severe injuries. On Tuesday that very same person shows up at work and Shelby tells me that she will be the new addition to our team which is like the most ridiculous thing if you think about it.

On Wednesday I come home to find our kitchen under water because the dishwasher decided to break and spill soapy water everywhere. On Thursday I get informed that Brittany and I have been partnered up for a new interview job and that on Friday we will have to drive to the meeting place _together_ to talk to the actress Ann Dupré about her new movie.

And when I bumped into Brittany while standing in line at the cafeteria yesterday, it was hard to overlook that I am still very much in her bad books. The way she rolled her eyes when I said 'sorry' was priceless.

So if I think about it, I probably won't love this Friday as much as I thought I would. Because in like ten minutes I have to show up at Brittany's office and ask if she's ready for our short trip to Long Beach where we are going to have a little sit together with the actress I have admired ever since I saw her in that huge blockbuster two years ago and I can't quite believe I'm going to talk to her, face to face in about an hour.

Yesterday Shelby called me into her office and she wanted to give me some instructions about the interview. Basically she told me to shut up the whole time and let Brittany do the work so I could watch and learn how it's done right.

I guess there is nothing I can do but oblige because I'm not going to be the one to blow it. Everyone keeps saying that Brittany is oh-so-awesome and that she knows everyone in the business so I'm just gonna lean back and let her prove it. Apparently she knows Ann Dupré personally and that is the only reason Ms. Dupré was fine with giving another interview today.

My phone buzzes and when I throw a glance at it, I smile at the caller ID.

"Hey babe. What's up?" I speak while scrolling down a page on my office computer. Gabe had to leave for an emergency early in the morning and he always calls me later when he didn't get the chance to really say goodbye before storming out the door.

" _I just wanted to say good morning… sorry I didn't get to make you coffee before I left. But it was an emergency. Roger was already at the practice but they still needed me."_

"That's ok. Because I know how to make coffee." I purr into the ear piece and hear Gabe's chuckle.

" _I know you do. But I still feel bad whenever I run out of the bedroom while you're still sleeping."_

I narrow my eyes because I'm looking at a digital map on my computer. The address that Brittany emailed me and Shelby does not exist. I wanted to look up the place where we're meeting Ann Dupré but it looks like Brittany must have confused the name of the street or something. Guess she's not _that_ perfect.

" _Hon'?"_ Gabe's deep voice sounds in my ears and I snap back from my victorious thoughts.

"Sorry, what were you saying? I mean you don't have to feel sorry about emergencies, we have agreed on that a long time ago, right?"

" _Right"_

"But guess what… Quinn told me about this new bar that opened up yesterday and she heard it's amazing. So I was thinking we could go there tonight?" I hear Gabe exhaling a breath and an 'uhm' which means he won't make it.

" _About tonight… that's also why I'm calling. Roger and I have planned a meeting with doctor Martinez this afternoon but now it looks like she can only get here by tonight. And she will fly back to Mombasa in the morning so this is sort of our only chance."_

I sigh disappointedly and support my head in my hand.

"But Gabe this would be the third time in a row that you postpone our date night. Why do you always have to do this stuff on Fridays? You know that I would love to go out after a long week and just have some fun with you where we both don't have to think about work…"

" _I know sweetheart but I can't really chose those things. Doctor Martinez is only here for two days every other month and so we can't wait until next time. If we want that project to work out then we have to talk to her tonight."_

Gabe and one of his partners, Roger Cooper, have worked on many different projects together in the past where they would travel pretty much everywhere around the globe and go on two-week long missions to treat as many sick people in poor villages as possible. They do it all for free and I think what they are doing for all those families is great. I just wish it wouldn't be so often which is kind of selfish.

"I see… does that mean that you'll be leaving for a mission again soon?"

" _Yeah that's what we were discussing during dinner with your parents, remember? Doctor Martinez is inviting us to Mombasa to travel around the country for three weeks and visit families at their homes for treatment."_

"Oh right… sorry I guess I wasn't there with my thoughts when you talked about it that evening. I remember now." I run my free hand through my hair because I don't really remember. Gabe was talking something about another mission but I thought it was one that he had already been on last year. I really should listen when my husband is talking about leaving the country for three weeks.

" _Well, I have to hang up now because another patient is waiting. I'm sorry about tonight, babe. I'll make it up somehow. And tomorrow we can talk again about my trip to Kenya, alright? I'm sorry."_

"Alright, we'll do that. Maybe I'll ask Quinn if she's up for a drink, so you don't have to stay up until I get home. Tell Roger I said hi."

" _Of course. I'll see you in the morning. I love you."_

"Love you, too. Bye bye."

" _Bye"_

I hang up and throw the phone into my bag. Great… the day hasn't even really started yet and I'm already in a bad mood. It's always the same. We make plans to go out on Friday night and then there's another patient who pinched a finger or with a bloody nose or the famous doctor Martinez is back in town for two days. Oh well… I knew we wouldn't have a normal private life like other couples do when I married him. I knew that he would have to cancel dates, dinners and gathering all the time and I always said that emergencies are something you cannot prevent as a doctor and so I never complained. But still…

"Trouble in paradise?" I look up across the room and see Quinn eying me over her computer. Sometimes I just forget that she is with me in the same room.

I shrug and roll my eyes; this should be answer enough. "Oh and yes…" Quinn continues. "I'm up for it."

I throw a questioning look in her direction because I don't know what she's talking about.

"You said you might ask _me_ to go for a drink now that your husband cancelled date night. So I'm taking it upon myself and say we go to that bar I told you about. Maybe Kurt and Mike can come, too. It's gonna be fun." Quinn says easily and grabs her phone, probably to inform the boys. If I think about it - why not? I could use a fun night out even if it means without Gabe. Maybe that's exactly what I need right now.

* * *

"Are you ready to go?" With only my head inside Brittany's office I ask the blonde after I knocked on the door and waited for her to say _'come in_!'. She's sitting at a tidy desk and leaning back in her chair, holding the phone to her ear.

She motions for me to wait a second and so I step back from the door but leave it open. I can hear how she continues talking on the phone and apparently she's discussing something with a certain John in a very flirtatious voice.

" _Well, tell them I said hi and that I can't wait to go see their concert next month. I'm a big fan. Oh and John… if you could arrange a little meet-and-greet that our readers might get to win, then that would be simply brilliant… u-huh? No, you didn't! This is fabulous news, I love you. Ok I have to go now, my assistant is waiting. Yeah, I'm meeting Ann today… I know right? She's such a sweetheart. Ok, talk to you soon and thanks again!"_

Did she just call me her assistant? Seriously? I can hear her footsteps and three seconds later she appears in the door. She's bit taller so I have to look up into her eyes once we're standing quite close in front of each other.

"What?" She asks simply when she sees my eyebrows knitted together.

"Did you just refer to me as your _assistant_?" Brittany shrugs when she realizes I'm upset.

"Well you sort of are, aren't you? Shelby wants you to see how I do my job and you get to hold the microphone. So…"

I huff because her smug way makes me want to throw some nasty words at her. Or punch her actually. Who does she think she is? Hold the microphone? Just because I'm an intern doesn't mean she's wiser. She looks like she's about the same age so… puh-lease.

But when I'm desperately looking for words to counter something, I get distracted when she bores those crystal blue eyes into mine. They seem endlessly deep and before I know it, Brittany is walking away and leaves me there with my mouth hanging open.

"If you want to meet Ann Dupré then you better close that grill of yours and start moving." She speaks over her shoulder and I only get to roll my eyes and follow her with quick steps.

We step out of the building and make our way to the parking lots without saying another word. The sun is burning down on us and I wish I had put on a dress instead of those black skintight jeans and a blouse.

My car is just a few meters away but Brittany keeps walking into another direction.

"We're driving together, right? I don't know where we're meeting Ms. Dupré." I ask the blonde because getting there with two cars would be kind of silly even though I would prefer it. She stops and turns to face me.

"Yeah?" Is everything she says and waits for me to continue.

"Well… we can take my car, it's right there." Brittany's eyes follow my finger when I point to my car. She lets out a malicious laugh and shakes her head.

"I thought it was clear that I would drive." She speaks in an obvious way and shrugs.

"Uhm… why?" I ask dumbfounded.

"Uhm because I'm not getting near your car or your driving skills again? Remember how I had to go to the hospital last time I did?"

Oh my Goood! This cannot be happening! How am I going to survive this morning, side by side with the woman who obviously hates my guts? And honestly I'm starting to lose my patience with her.

"Okay, you know what? I'm kind of tired of you bitching at me because of what happened on Monday. I know I did a bad thing but I have said sorry more than enough by now and you still don't accept my apology. What do you want me to do? Because if we keep going like this then I really don't see it. Me and you working together in the future. So if you're not ready to forgive me then I'll better go talk to Shelby and tell her the truth. She'll fire me but hey that's ok. At least I wouldn't have to feel like a monster every time you look at me!"

My pulse is running fast and I feel my cheeks getting hot but I sustain her glance. During my little monologue Brittany has been standing there, shielding her face from the burning sun with her hand and just listened to what I had to say.

Maybe I'm making it up in my head but Brittany's expression just turned a tiny bit softer. A teeny tiny bit. She throws another short glance to my car before looking back into my eyes and shrugging again.

"I guess what I want you to do is get into my car so I can drive us to the place we're meeting Ann. We'll be faster if I drive because I know where it is."

We're staring at each other for a couple seconds and then I raise my hands in defense.

"Fine. Whatever. You drive. Where's your car?" Brittany points to the direction she was heading to and when she starts walking, I follow her wordlessly.

* * *

We didn't really speak during those forty minutes of driving. I kept staring out of the window and listened to the songs on the mixed CD that was playing. The fact that it played several of my all time favorite songs was something I skillfully ignored.

We are now standing in front of a building I have never seen before. Looks like an apartment complex and Brittany is studying the names beneath the doorbells.

"So why did you write down a false address in your email?" I ask once Brittany has pushed a button and turns towards me. She studies me for a couple seconds before answering.

"Because that was just formality to please Shelby and I don't go spill my sources all over the place?"

"But… I'm here now. I know the address."

"True. And that's why you're gonna keep it to yourself or you will lose your job and this will be the first _and_ last time you and I work together."

Oooh – was that a threat?

"Well guess what, I wouldn't be so sad about that…" I mumble and Brittany rolls her eyes. Before anyone of us can say something else, we hear a voice through the intercom system.

" _How old are you?"_ Sounds a male voice from somewhere inside the building and I give Brittany a puzzled look. Why does he want to know how old we are?

"I'm a hundred-and-twenty-seven years old and I was born on the day my mother gave birth."

Whaaaat? I stare at Brittany like she's some weirdo and she clicks her tongue when I do so.

"The password" Is everything she says to explain. Duh…

There's a buzzing noise before Brittany opens the door to hold it up for me. I step inside, she follows closely behind me.

* * *

Okay so if I thought Ann Dupré was interesting before, then I have fallen in love with her now. Seriously could she be any more charming? She's babbling like a parrot after every question Brittany asks and she talks with such passion about her movie and the role she plays. She laughs wholeheartedly when Brittany makes a joke and she runs her hands through her endless long locks when she has to think about an answer first.

For the past thirty minutes we have been sitting in a very fancy living room on the top floor of this building. I don't know if this is Ann Dupré's private apartment or maybe just one of several? But it looks like she lives here alone. Except for the bodyguard who was standing outside the door and the guy in the kitchen who has been serving us water, soda, fruit cocktails, snacks, tea and plenty more.

I'm scribbling down notes on the notepad I'm holding in my arms because there's no possible way to deny it; Brittany knows what she' doing. She's asking questions I didn't even know you could ask and they make Ann Dupré talk like this is the best interview she's ever given. The questions are very professional, informative and precise. We get to know a little about Ann's private life but she doesn't have to give away too much and not once is there an uncomfortable silence.

She answers every single question Brittany asks and she keeps laughing and blushing all the time because not only is it Ann being charming but also Brittany is talking quite flirtatiously. This makes me wonder for a minute but then I get distracted by the amount of information the actress gives us about her new role.

All I know after fifty minutes of talking to one of the most popular actresses in the states these days: Shelby did not exaggerate when she said that Brittany is one of the best. Because she is. Needless to say.

"This was a real good interview" I compliment Brittany once we're walking back to her car. "I mean it. I've never seen a celebrity so open and comfortable around an interviewer."

Brittany opens the door to the driver seat and watches me when I get to the other side of the car.

"Yeah you just have to make them feel respected. And that's what I truly do. I'm interested in their work and not what they do behind closed doors or who they sleep with and who not."

We get into the car and when Brittany starts the engine she continues.

"The key to a successful interview is being polite, funny and professional. But mostly; keep out of their dating life. Only when you know that they are married or in a serious relationship you can ask how their partners are doing but I think that's already bit too much, especially when they are not in show business. It's something you want to keep safe so I respect that…"

She pulls out of the parking lots and I think about what she says. It's true. If there is one thing you want to keep safe then it's the people you love and the safety you have worked hard for.

"That makes sense… I imagine it to be so stressful when you're a celebrity. Everyone is always up in your business and there's really nothing you can do about it because you don't want to be mean to the people who admire you so much by ignoring their questions. I think I would get so mad if people kept asking me about my husband all the time and if we're still happy or if it smells like divorce or something." I chuckle when I imagine myself as a celebrity. From the corner of my eye I see that Brittany throws a glance at me that I can't read. Suddenly I wonder.

"What about you? Are you married, too?" I ask and unwittingly look at her hands on the steering wheel to see if there's a wedding band. But there's just a nice silver ring on her thumb that I haven't noticed so far. Brittany throws another look at me before pulling into a different street and raises her eyebrows. "What?" I ask wondering.

"What did I just tell you about a successful interview?" She says simply with a calm voice. I think about it and then chuckle at what she's implying.

"But… you're not a celebrity, right?"

"Right. Same rules though." She states matter-of-factly and shrugs. "But if you must know – no, I'm not married." And that's all. For the rest of the drive we only comment on some answers that Ann Dupré gave us.

It's nice… we're actually talking about something that does not involve the words hospital or accident. We're still guarded with what we're saying but I guess that's a good thing. One step at a time.

 _ **A couple hours later…**_

Quinn and I squeeze ourselves through the dancing crowd to finally get somewhere near the counter. Apparently this new 'bar' is not exactly a bar but a new hit club where you can dance on a giant dance floor, have a drink at a fancy bar, eat something in the back and have a decent talk or just sit on comfortable couches and watch the dancing people from a distance.

"And you really had no idea that this is a club?" I yell into Quinn's ear when we reach the counter and wait for somebody to take our orders. The music's loud and although it's not what I expected, I like it. I haven't been to a club like this since… I got married?

Quinn turns around and grins mischievously.

"Well… let's just say I've never seen it from the inside and therefore couldn't know for sure. But I knew if I told you that this is a dance club then you and Gabe would have never come." I act offended although I know she's right. This isn't Gabe's scene… it's not completely mine, either but all I want is to have some fun from time to time. Why did I never think of going to clubs with Quinn alone instead of trying to get Gabe somewhere he doesn't like?

Once we receive our drinks, we make our ways to one of the couches and I relax into the soft material and swallow a big sip of cocktail.

"This is so good." I mumble into my glass and Quinn winks at me from the side.

"Oh look, there's Rachel and Kurt!" She exclaims and almost makes me spill my drink. She raises a hand and waves into the direction she's obviously spotted the brunette.

I try not to look too disappointed when my eyes land on Rachel. But whenever I see her I get reminded of Shelby and I don't want to think of Shelby when I'm supposed to have a fun night out.

"Hey guys! So great to run into you! Kurt just told me that you'd show up, too and so we thought we'd come look for you. Mike and Brittany are somewhere on the dance floor. I had no idea she's a dancer! Like is there a thing in the world that she's _not_ good at?"

Quinn and I stare at Rachel in amazement as we probably both didn't think of Brittany as a dancer. Also I guess I'm staring because I didn't expect the blonde to be here tonight.

"Oh yeah? Well she does have the body!" Quinn yells and then pats the space next to her and motions for Kurt and Rachel to sit down. Kurt Hummel has been working for the Sylvester magazine for maybe three months and he belongs there like a lid to a bottle.

We've had some fun talks whenever Quinn and I went for a drink with him and Mike Chang after work. I let my glance wander through the dancing crowd but Mike and Brittany are nowhere to be seen.

"Hey Santana! It's so cool you could make! But why are you all by yourself? Where is your husband?" Rachel leans over Quinn in order to be able to speak to me as it's freakin' loud in here.

"He's not here tonight! He had to work. And I'm not by myself, I'm here with Quinn." I inform Rachel and I immediately get reminded to what Brittany was saying in the car when we were driving back. I'm not really up to talk to Rachel and justify why I showed up solo without my husband.

"Girls night out it is then! Wooooh!" Rachel screams and lets her glass clink against mine. "And Kurt of course!" She adds when Kurt nudges her shoulder offended.

For a while the four of us talk about the awesomeness of this new club and I find myself feeling pretty comfortable like this. When Kurt comes back with a tray and a round of shots, Quinn applauds excitedly and hands me a glass.

"I just spotted Mike and Brittany dancing!" Kurt yells and points to the middle of the dance floor. "They've know each other for five days but they dance like they have practiced for years together – it's hot! Look at them, they're entertaining the whole club!"

My eyes follow Kurt's finger and when the crowd parts a bit, I see what he's talking about. There in the middle of all the people are Brittany and Mike Chang dancing to a fast house beat. I knew that Mike was a dancer but I have never seen him actually do it. It looks crazy professional and I can't help but stare at him and Brittany.

She's wearing a short tight dress and heels and her wavy hair falls over her shoulders. Her arms are around Mike's neck and he's guiding her moves with his hands on her hips. It's difficult to tear my eyes away because they look stunning. Brittany dances like she's part of a freaking Jennifer Lopez video or something and it looks so easy. As if she's been doing this all her life.

"Santana!" I snap back when Quinn yells my name and grabs my hand to pull me up to my feet. "It's your turn! Come on!" Before I can object I find myself sandwiched between Quinn, Kurt and Rachel on the dance floor and I have no idea what I'm doing. All I know is that Melanie C's _'I Turn To You'_ is blasting out and I want to scream because I haven't heard that song in years and it used to be my favorite in high school.

It's quite possible that I am making a fool of myself because I haven't danced like this in front of other people since my second year at college where my best friend Mercedes and I would go to parties every weekend. My body feels rusty when I try to pull up some old dance moves and for a second I think about leaving the dance floor but when Quinn and Rachel grab my hips shamelessly and their dance moves do not look too professional, either I start to loosen up a bit. And when the song goes into chorus for the first time, I drop my initial shame and actually start to enjoy it.

"Look at you!" Kurt squeals from opposite me and high-fives me after an elegant twirl. "You should show that side of Santana way more often! She's hot!" He laughs and keeps doing what he's doing and soon starts dancing with a cute guy who has been eyeing him ever since we got on the dance floor.

"Are you still pissed that your husband cancelled date night?" Quinn screams into my ear.

"Actually it's a nice change if I'm being honest!" I yell back and Quinn says something in return but I don't hear her. My eyes have caught something else and it draws my attention across the dance floor where Brittany and Mike had been dancing until a minute ago.

But now she's there all by herself, lifting her arms up in the air with her eyes closed and her body moving sensually to the music. I have no idea where Mike went but she doesn't seem to give a damn. She's dancing for herself and even though this is the first time I see her dance like this, I know she's completely in her element. There's nothing left of the bitchy blonde who seems so angry and upset at the rest of the world.

Just when I become aware that I think Brittany looks incredibly beautiful, I snap back and realize that I've been staring at another woman for the past two minutes and that I'm not really supposed to do so. Since I'm married. The actual reason why I manage to look away though is because Brittany has opened her eyes and her glance reaches me through all those dancing bodies and forces me to look away. Those piercing blue eyes are too much for me to handle and I have to grab Quinn's arm due to slight dizziness. Maybe I shouldn't have taken that shot before.

"Are you alright?" Quinn asks worriedly when I'm still clutching her arm.

"Huh? Yeah, yeah... I'm good." I mutter and force a smile. Quinn eyes me suspiciously but when I repeat that I'm fine, she accepts it and continues her moves.

I do so, too and for the rest of the night I somehow manage to not throw constant glances into Brittany's direction and make sure if she's still looking at me or not. Because the burning on my skin tells me she really is.

* * *

 **Chapter 5 *Secrets***

 _ **Early on Wednesday morning… Brittany…**_

She wakes up disorientated because once again she fell asleep on the couch instead of her bed and now as a result her neck aches badly.

She groans when she gets up on her feet and realizes why she woke up; the phone is ringing at 7 am and won't stop. She scuffs across the cold floor which makes her shudder since she's barefoot. She makes her way into the kitchen because she can't find the phone in the living room.

"Where are you… stupid phone" She mutters and then finds it hidden under a pile of newspapers. When she checks the caller ID she freezes and feels nauseous within seconds. Of course she recognizes the number right away but it still shocks her. It's been months that this number called her. The last call actually ended with Brittany spitting some mean words and hanging up on her.

Why would Veronica call her out of the blue? Hadn't Brittany made it clear that she didn't want to stay in touch with any of them? It simply hurt too much to be around Diane's family and that's why she begged them to leave her alone even though it made her heart tear apart. They accepted it and never tried to contact her again. Except for Diane's little sister, Linda. She had texted Brittany last Christmas to wish her a happy day and that she missed her a lot. It ruined Brittany's day… because she missed the young girl, too and had the worst conscience by leaving her behind.

She didn't text back.

Brittany is still staring at the phone in her hand and slowly guides it to her ear. Why would they call her at 7am? But just when Brittany wants to press the green button, it stops ringing and the answering machine takes over. Brittany holds her breath when she hears that voice for the first time in months.

" _Hello Brittany, it's me Veronica._ _I'm sorry to call you out of the blue. I know you still don't want it… but Brittany I was hoping you could maybe… this feels so weird because I haven't heard a word of you ever since. I don't even know what you do these days. Anyway I was hoping you could maybe call Linda sometime next week? Or write her a text message or anything… you probably don't remember but her birthday is on the twelfth and I know she's wishing so much to hear from you. So I know it's asked a lot but it would make her so happy. It would mean a lot to me, too. I hope you're doing fine and that you are happy. Goodbye."_

 _Beep!_

Brittany has sunk to a chair at her tiny kitchen table because her legs have turned to jelly. Veronica… Diane's mom had become sort of a mother to her, too. Especially during the last few months of her relationship with Diane.

She hasn't forgotten about Linda's birthday. She tried not to think of it but that is impossible. She didn't call her last year so why should she call her this time? It would only be a hundred times weirder to hear each other after all this time. They wouldn't know what to talk about. But then again she can't stop wondering how Linda is doing at school. Has she made new friends? Gotten better grades?

Maybe she could do it… just call her and wish her a happy birthday? They could talk for a couple minutes and then that would be it. It can't be that hard now that she thinks about it.

Maybe… that's all she can promise herself right now.

* * *

She's already bit late for work. Actually she and her boss agreed that she could work at home if she wanted and therefore she doesn't have to be at the office at a certain time but Brittany still prefers to appear at a decent hour. Also she likes the possibility to go somewhere else and be around people for a while. As long as she doesn't have to talk to all of them of course.

So when she arrives at the building of the Sylvester magazine, she makes quick steps to cross the entrance hall and walks the stairs up to the second floor where her office is.

She makes a quick stop at a vending machine to get a cup of coffee. A bloody headache is starting to crawl over the back of her head and she forgot to bring some painkillers.

Once she's walking in the hallway to her office she can't get rid of Veronica's voice in her head. Brittany has often wondered how they all are doing and she longed to see them. But on the other hand she really just wanted to leave everything behind back then. Which was heavily selfish but sometimes that's what you gotta do in order to get back on track. And that's exactly what Brittany did.

"Oh hey Brittany!" Just when Brittany wants to open the door to her office, somebody calls her name. She turns around and sees another blonde approaching her with quick steps. It's Quinn and she looks upset.

"Hi. What's up?" She greets the woman once they are standing in front of each other.

"Brittany there's a problem with the interview with Ann Dupré." Quinn talks fast and Brittany knits her eyebrows together. First of all because she doesn't know what could have gone wrong with the interview and second, her head feels like it's about to explode.

"What do you mean? Everything went well – Ann loved it."

"No, that's not it. It's uhm… I just got an email from Sue Sylvester herself and she sounded mad as hell. You know how I'm responsible for the graphic design and so whenever I'm about to work on a new job, I have to wait for Sue's _'ok'_ first to be sure if she really wants certain things to appear in the newest issue of the magazine or not. So yesterday I wanted to do your interview with Ms. Dupré because it has to be ready to get printed by tomorrow but I still hadn't heard a word from Sue and so I contacted her. Five minutes later I get spammed with her hate mail, saying that she never got the interview."

Quinn's desperate look confuses Brittany because she still doesn't know exactly what the problem here is.

"What do you mean she never got it? When we came back after the interview, the first thing I did was type it down and email it to…" Brittany trails off, trying to recap what happened after the interview. She parked the car in the parking lots and she and Santana walked back inside. They said goodbye and Brittany remembers pretty clearly that she watched the Latina walk away and thought that she was wearing super tight jeans… then she got to her own office, turned on the computer, synchronized the content on the microphone's memory card with the hard drive… then she typed the whole interview which took her forever and then she attached the thing to an e-mail to send it to Sue Sylvester because that's what she had to do. She did send it. Right?

"Deadline was Monday" Quinn adds insecurely as if she's scared that Brittany will rip her head off. Brittany looks back and forth between Quinn's left and right eye, still trying to find the mental picture where she pressed _'send'_ and delivered the damn interview.

"I know it was due Monday. That's why I already finished it on Friday so I wouldn't have to work on it on the weekend. I know exactly that I finished it and then sent it to Sue… I always do everything right away so it won't bother me."

"Ok, I believe you but then something must have gone wrong with the intern email traffic since Sue never got it." Quinn raises her hands incredulously and she still seems freaked out. Whatever Sue Sylvester said to Quinn in that mail; it must have been spiteful.

When Brittany came here for her job interview and she sat in front of Sue Sylvester, answering all the questions she wanted to know, she thought the woman was creepy. Actually she seemed very impressed with Brittany's résumé and Brittany was sure that she would get the job but the woman with the short blonde hair was creepy.

"Look, I'm sorry that you got pulled into this, I really don't know how this could happen. I'll tell Sue that it's of course my fault and that I'll send it again right away." Brittany tries to calm the other blonde.

"Yeah… if she still wants it." Quinn replies and bites on her bottom lip. "The first job of a new co-worker is usually very pivotal to what Sue thinks about you for the rest of the time you work here. _If_ you get to stay, that is." She mumbles and causes Brittany's jaw to drop.

"What do you mean _if_ I get to stay? Are you saying she's going to fire me after just one week that I've been here?"

"I don't know, ok? I'm just saying it could happen because Sue is really cruel when it comes to things like this. But don't worry too much, I'm sure Shelby will talk to her if it comes down to firing you."

Brittany is still staring at Quinn in disbelief. This can't be happening. What's the big freakin' deal? So she maybe missed a deadline but there's still enough time!

"Right… I guess I'll better take care of this now. Thanks, Quinn." Brittany says and gets a compassionate smile in return. She turns around and enters her office, leaving Quinn standing in the hallway.

* * *

As soon as her computer is ready, she opens her email account and goes through the ones in the folder _'sent'_. She mumbles all the names she has contacted in the past week until she reaches last Friday afternoon.

 _Shoot…_

There is no email for one Sue Sylvester. It's not there. So she clicks to check if there are any unsent drafts and well… there it is.

 _ **To: sylvester.s/s-magazine**_

 _ **From: pierce.b/s-magazine**_

 _ **Dear Ms. Sylvester**_

 _ **Here is the interview with Ann Dupré that took place this afternoon. Everything went well and Ms. Dupré would be delighted to be at our disposal if we ever wanted to work with her again.**_

 _ **Best,**_

 _ **Brittany Pierce**_

And the attachment proves that Brittany did it all right. Except that she didn't send it. She must have clicked the wrong button because now she remembers that the phone rang and so she hurried.

A silly lapse that will probably cost her this job. Because Quinn did not seem as if she was joking before. Damned…

She lets her fingers run through her hair and then buries her face in her hands. This is just great. Rachel's gonna kill her… she's actually gonna kill her once she finds out about this.

The computer makes a beeping noise, letting Brittany know that another email just came in. She sighs and narrows her eyes when she reads who it's from.

 _ **To: pierce.b/s-magazine; lopez.s/s-magazine; fabray.q/s-magazine**_

 _ **From: corcoran.s/s-magazine**_

 _ **Girls,**_

 _ **Move your behinds to my office right now. Sue will be here any minute and she's foaming.**_

 _ **Shelby**_

Brittany swallows emptily because this does indeed not sound too well. So what she does is take another sip of her coffee, grabs her mobile and leaves her office.

She walks around a corner when she spots Santana closing a door behind her back and about to storm into the same direction as Brittany. When she throws a glance over her shoulder she sees Brittany coming her way and so she waits.

They haven't really talked since the ride back from the interview. They saw each other Friday night at that new club that Rachel so badly wanted to go. Actually Brittany had not been in the mood for a crowded place but her friend would not stop asking and so she said yes. Truth be told, it turned out to be a fun night and Brittany danced as carefree as she hadn't done in what felt like forever. It was good. This Mike was a nice guy and boy could he dance. Actually the fun really began when Brittany spotted Rachel doing her party moves around Santana. She looked hilarious.

The Latina on the other hand… Brittany could not tear her eyes away which made her feel traitorous towards herself. She still doesn't like her.

"Do you know what's happening? Why does Shelby want to see us? And why did Quinn storm out of my office in order to find you?" Santana greets her and seems upset. They are now walking next to each other and Brittany shrugs. She feels kind of bad because - does this mean that Santana will get into trouble, too? Oh well… it's not like she would care really. She doesn't.

"There was uhm…" They halt in front of Shelby's office and Santana narrows her eyes when Brittany tries to form a sentence. "I guess I screwed up"

"You screwed up?" Santana asks monotonously and raises her eyebrows.

"There's a slight possibility that I forgot to actually send the inter-" She gets interrupted because the door opens loudly and startles both of them. Shelby is obviously seething with anger when she glares at them.

"Get in!" She hisses furiously and slams the door as soon as Brittany has followed Santana inside.

Quinn is already standing in the middle of the room with her arms crossed in front of her chest and looking miserable. Brittany feels the urge to speak first because she really doesn't need a lecture about how badly she screwed up. Everyone just needs to relax.

"Shelby, I can explain to Sue what happened. This was really-"

"I don't think she'll want any explanations." Shelby states a bit calmer but still bitter. "I'm pretty sure she ordered you here to 'let you go' if you know what I mean. That's why I asked all three of you to show up real quick because I want to know what happened. Where's the goddamn interview?"

From the corner of her eyes, Brittany can see that Santana looks confused and opens her mouth.

"Where is the interview? It's… what do you mean?" The brunette asks unknowingly and Brittany is about to speak up when there is a knock on the door.

"Great" Shelby huffs and steps close to Brittany. "I really like you Brittany and that's why I suggest you better think of a good reason why that interview never arrived in Sue's mailbox. Right _now_." Then she walks to the door and opens it. Brittany rolls her eyes because – ugh! This is so not what she needs right now. Her head is still hammering and all she knows is that she's in trouble. She can't come up with a good reason because there isn't one.

"Ladies…" Brittany turns to face her boss and prepares herself to get fired within the next two minutes. Great… awesome…

Sue Sylvester closes the door behind herself and steps closer to them. She's wearing black pants and a blazer and her hair is dyed blonder than ever but her eyes are grey and bore into Brittany's.

"I'm sure you know by now that I am not happy." She says calmly and looks back and forth between Brittany, Santana and Quinn.

"Uhm… I'm sorry but what is the problem?" Santana interferes carefully but stops when Sue raises a hand to silence her.

"The problem, Ms. Lopez, is that I hired a new co-worker because I hear she's the best. So I give her a chance and she actually manages to get Ann Dupré to sit down with us. Brava. On Monday morning I wait eagerly to read that glorious piece of work but I never get to do so because it hasn't reached my desk until this hour. If Ms. Fabray hadn't taken it upon herself to ask where it is, then I don't think it would have ever made its way into the next issue of the Sylvester magazine and that… could have had some serious consequences."

 _Like what?_ Brittany thinks to herself because nobody even knows it took place, yet. It's not like they already informed the whole world about this one interview and disappointed fans are gonna kill themselves if it doesn't show up in the September issue.

"Ms. Sylvester" Brittany begins because she wants at least a chance to explain herself. "I understand you are upset. I can assure this wasn't intention and it won't happen again-"

"I got disappointed." Sue states nonchalantly and shrugs. "And however promising somebody seems at first – reliability is what counts if you want to keep your job at the Sylvester magazine. And that's why I see myself forced to let you go, Ms. Pierce. Everybody gets one chance here. That's how it works."

Brittany presses her teeth together because this is ridiculous. She just lost a job because she's incapable to send a stupid email. How stupid does one have to be to achieve something like this?

She watches how Sue exchanges a glance with Shelby who seems more than desperate about the harsh decision.

"Shelby, I want you to call the other candidate who applied for the job. She starts tomorrow if she's still interested." She walks back to the door and reaches for the doorknob when Santana makes a step forward.

"Ms. Sylvester! I'm sorry can you please hang on a second?" Everybody turns to look at Santana as if she just arose out of nowhere. "I uhm… I-I" She stutters and her cheeks turn re. What the hell comes _now_? Brittany thinks and silently begs the brunette to just shut up and not make it worse.

Sue crosses her arms in front of her chest and targets Santana with her deadly glare. But she also seems amused about what the Latina has to say.

"Yes, Ms. Lopez? Is there anything you have to say in defense of Ms. Pierce maybe?"

Brittany watches how Santana wets her lips and raises her hands.

"Actually yes. The thing is – I mean really it's my fault." Oh God. Please no…

Sue tilts her head to the side and waits expectantly for Santana to continue. Also Quinn and Shelby stare at Santana like she just volunteered to hang herself. Which she sort of did.

"Santana, please-" Brittany begins because whatever the Latina is about to do, she doesn't want anybody else to get scolded for her mistake.

"This is actually a silly misunderstanding" Santana continues and ignores Brittany's attempt to make her stop. "You see I was there with Brittany to observe how she does her job and I have to say; I really learned a lot after just one hour." She tells calmly and the reddish shade on her cheeks slowly disappears. Sue knits her eyebrows together and seems to process that piece of information.

"So when we came back I asked Brittany to send me the edited version of the interview so I could have a look at it, too. I wanted read it again and write down some notes for myself because it was one of the best interviews I've ever experienced. I said that I would forward it to you because Brittany had already done the whole work and… and then I forgot." Santana exhales a shaky breath and Brittany can't believe this is happening. Did she really just say this was actually her fault? Why? Goddamned why? Now Santana is going to lose _her_ job!

"Santana I-"

"I'm very sorry, Ms. Sylvester. I was not really myself that afternoon. My husband had just left for a mission to Iraq to treat sick people and I don't know when he'll come back. My thoughts were out there instead of here where my work is. I completely forgot to send it."

Brittany's eyes feel like they're about to pop out of her head. Also Quinn and Shelby are standing there with mouths hanging open. Slowly Brittany dares to throw a glance into Sue's face and what she sees kind of shocks her.

Sue's facials have softened and there is something bitter in her eyes. She swallows before she parts her lips to say something.

"That's uhm… my brother is out there, too." She states with a complete different voice. Then she looks back and forth between the four women and nods slowly. "If that's what happened then I guess you can stay." She says towards Brittany before facing Santana again. "Lopez, this better be the first and last time something like this happens."

And then she turns around without another word and leaves the room.

"Holy shit" Quinn whispers once the door closes and the four women take turns at throwing confused glances at each other.

"I guess that's what you could call it." Shelby agrees and eyes Santana weirdly. "Why did you do that, Santana? You could have lost your job."

Brittany hasn't said a word and she doesn't know what to say. This is too much. Why would she do that?

"I uhm…" Santana mumbles and throws a stolen glance at Brittany. "I was trying to make something right."

Brittany knows she's referring to the accident but what is she supposed to say now? This is a situation where she has absolutely no idea what she's supposed to do. So she does what she knows.

"I … have to" She tries to explain but lets it be and just storms out of the office without looking at Santana once more.

* * *

She's standing in front of a sink in the ladies' room and lets cold water run over her wrists. It's something she always used to do when she was a kid and about to cry because something unfair happened. She has always been someone who doesn't cry often and whenever a lump forms in her throat she lets cold water run over her wrists which allows her to breath better.

Why didn't she just stay in bed this morning? Or well… on the couch.

She shouldn't have listened to Veronica's message on the answering machine. She should have disconnected the phone or run into the bathroom and listen to it later. But not before the day hadn't even started, yet. Why did she have to contact her out of nowhere? That's not fair!

And why did Santana have to make up a lie for her? It was her own fault and so she should pay for it – why would Santana care so much? Actually Santana should be happy about Brittany getting fired. It's not like she's been making it easy for the Latina to be around her. All she's been saying towards her are either snarky comments or nothing at all. If somebody would treat Brittany this way then she'd probably make a party and celebrate that they got fired. So ok, Santana hit her with a car but she obviously didn't do it on purpose. Santana isn't in her debts or something…

Nobody has ever done something like this for her. Because she really wouldn't deserve it, considering the way she treats people. Especially the ones who care for her.

The door opens and someone steps inside the restroom. With a glance into the mirror Brittany notices Santana stepping behind her with an utterly confused look on her face.

"Why did you walk away?" She asks softly and shrugs her shoulders like she can't believe Brittany just blew her off.

Brittany turns off the water and slowly moves to face the other woman. She dries her hands by pressing them against her jeans and looks up into Santana's face but avoids her eyes. The reason? A hot teardrop is running down her left cheek and the embarrassment stings like a knife in her chest. She quickly wipes the tear off but it's too late; Santana has already seen it and knits her eyebrows together.

"Wh… why are you crying?" She asks dumbfounded and makes a step forward but stops when Brittany moves back hardly noticeable. "Brittany I'm sorry – I thought I… I thought I was doing the right thing. Are you not happy that you can stay?"

Brittany wants to open her mouth and say _'Yes and thank you'_ but it's like she's paralyzed. What's going on? Her lips move but nothing comes out – nothing! Jesus! How does one talk?!

"Uhm…" Seriously? That's all?

"What is it?" Santana asks and again steps closer, this time Brittany doesn't shrug back. Santana stands next to her so they are both leaning against the sink, looking down.

Brittany's hand twitches when Santana's brushes against it and she rolls her eyes at herself.

"I didn't mean to put you into an awkward position. I just realize now that it was kinda stupid, I could have asked you first. But… I thought Sue was being unfair and well – I still can't forget about the accident and I thought… well…"

Brittany nods slowly because it does make sense. Suddenly she senses how the brunette next to her shifts and Brittany freezes when there is a hand on her back.

"Why are you so serious all the time?" Santana asks and Brittany is having trouble breathing immediately. "You seem so endlessly mad and…"

This is quickly becoming too much for Brittany. Way too much. It's one thing to help someone and another to get into their personal business. Before she knows it, she has shoved Santana's hand away and steps back like she got stung by a bee.

Santana looks at her startled and that's when Brittany loses it.

"You don't even know me! It was nice of you to cover for me but I wouldn't have wanted you to do so! Just back the fuck up, okay?" She knows her words are too harsh and she knows she's being unfair but her head feels like it is about to explode and she doesn't know how to handle those things! She doesn't want people to be nice when she will never know how to return it.

For a couple seconds they are just staring at each other and Brittany's throat feels so dry.

"Okay" Comes from Santana's lips weakly and Brittany nods.

She turns around and walks off. Only when she wants to open the door and needs her hands, she realizes that she has been making painful fists causing her fingernails to dig into her flesh. With an upset gasp she's out the door.

* * *

 _ **The same day at Santana's apartment… Santana's POV.**_

Only when my fingers start to hurt I realize that I've been rubbing the very same spot on the window over and over again and now it's cleaner than clean. There is soap all over the patio door and it drips down onto the expensive laminate.

Gabe says we could hire a cleaning lady but why do I need a cleaning lady? It's not like we don't know how to use a sponge and soap! Why would I let a stranger come into our house and let her fumble around on all my belongings? Cleaning can be fun. Or therapeutic like right now. It totally calms my nerves!

I mean why would Gabe _want_ to hire a cleaning lady? It's always me who does this stuff anyways. I scrub our toilet twice a week and vacuum the thick carpet in front of the couch. I clean the windows every other month because I've got time. I make time to do so. It's not like _he_ would have to do these things if we didn't have a cleaning lady. Because we don't and he doesn't!

He left for his trip to Mombasa yesterday evening and I'm already thinking way too much! That's what happens every time Gabe leaves the country. I think too much.

I think about what is good in our marriage and what is not so good. It happens automatically. It's like my mind has its own mind because I don't even _want_ to think so intensely about this stuff. We're good. I'm happy with Gabe. We've only been married for a year and a half – this is the time where you're still all head over heels and all over each other all the time.

Gabe is just not at home often enough but if he was then we would be all over each other. Like… of course we would. Maybe we're not as explosive like other newlyweds when it comes to – stuff.

With my thoughts all over the place I dip the sponge into the bucket with hot soapy water in front of me and get up on my feet to continue with the next window. I startle when there is a knock on the door and I almost step into the bucket. I throw a glance at the big clock in the kitchen and narrow my eyes. Who wants something from me at 9pm on a Wednesday evening?

Maybe it's our neighbor Ted and he wants to see if Gabe is up for an after-work beer. Or it's my brother Ricky because sometimes he shows up at the weirdest hours just to say hello and drop off some Lasagna that his wife made.

I let the sponge fall back into the bucket and wipe my soapy hands off at my sweatpants. I scuff across the living room and when I reach the door I check through the peephole. My forehead bumps against the door when I jump at what I see. My eyes widen because this must be an optical illusion. I jerk back and shake my head before checking again. But I'm not imagining things. It's Brittany standing outside my door. How does she know where I live and _why_ _ **?**_

I pull back and throw a glance into the mirror that is hanging right next to the door. I look like I live under the bridge with my dirty sweatpants on that I always wear for my cleaning sessions, an old grey tank top that is ripped at the hem and my hair is in a more than messy bun. You can't even call it a bun anymore, it's a nest.

But there's no time to change into different clothes and also why would I? It's Brittany and I have not the slightest clue why she's here. I take another second to think about whether I should open the door but I guess if she made all the way over here then it has to be something important.

I turn the key and when I open the door I get to see Brittany's back and how she's already walking away. She must have heard the key and so she turns around and her eyes widen when she sees me.

"Oh" She exhales and makes a step towards me. "Hi. I already thought nobody was home." I knit my eyebrows together and cross my arms in front of my chest to study her.

She's still wearing the same clothes she did this morning and her hair looks bit messy, too. Like she's had a hell of a day.

"Well I am…" I speak calmly and her eyes find mine after she's been avoiding them at first.

"Right. I see that now. Am I interrupting dinner with your husband or something? I mean it was hopefully a lie when you said that he's on a mission in Iraq?" Brittany's hands are fumbling on the zipper of her bag that she's wearing around her neck and she throws a glance into the apartment behind me.

"Uh… well half of it." I answer and cause Brittany to look confused. "He's not in Iraq but he's actually on a mission. He's a doctor and he's travelling through Kenya to treat sick people for three weeks."

Brittany's eyes widen impressed and she nods slowly.

"Oh… wow. I mean ok. Then why didn't you say he's in Kenya?"

"Huh?"

"Because you told Sue he's in Iraq. Why you… why?"

"Oh! I thought it sounds more dramatic. I don't know."

Brittany nods and her eyebrows go up.

"Yeah no- it makes sense. I guess." She says and shrugs. For a couple seconds we're staring at each other weirdly because I still don't know what she's doing here.

"Is that why you came here? To ask if my husband's really in Iraq?" I ask puzzled and Brittany quickly shakes her head.

"No. No, I uh… came here to say I'm s-sorry. I mean the way I acted in the restroom was really – and also in Shelby's office. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to react the way I did. But I _did_ and uhm… I wanna apologize." My jaw wants to hang down in amazement but I manage to keep it attached to where it belongs and I just blink at her several times. Did she just apologize for her behavior? And came all the way at this time? How does she know where I live again?

"How do you know where I live? Did you ask one of your crazy sources?"

Brittany seems bit frustrated that I basically just ignored her apology but then she shakes her head with a huff.

"No… it took my quite a while to find out your address actually. I just couldn't find you in the phone book and then I had to call Quinn and she told me." I chuckle because I know why she couldn't find my name.

"That's because I'm not registered under Lopez. It's Santana Walker officially ever since I got married but I still call myself Lopez and so does everyone else. It's like I'll never get used to it." I admit and grin embarrassed because I know it's silly that I took my husband's last name but don't call myself that.

"Oh… I didn't think of that." Brittany says and shakes her head.

We're standing there in front of each other and when I don't know what to say, I point inside the apartment. "I don't know about you but I could use a drink after this day… I was actually about to grab a beer but then I forgot because I wanted to clean the windows first." Okay that last piece of information was not necessary. Brittany looks like she's about to laugh.

"Grab a beer?" She asks funnily and looks up and down my body as if she's deciding whether a beer would suit me. "Actually I could really use one, too. Things today have been weird." She states and I hold the door open wide so she can step inside after a quick hesitation.

I close the door behind her and guide her into the living room.

"Oh man… this is huge." She sputters and her eyes wander all around the apartment. "I mean it's nice."

"Yeah well my husband would not take anything under four bedrooms and I guess I can't complain."

Brittany nods and then sits down on one of the couches when I offer her to do so. I quickly disappear in the kitchen and after fixing my messy bun, I return with two of Gabe's beers and a bottle opener.

I sit down in a comfy chair opposite the couch and manage to open the bottles without spilling the content or breaking the glass and hand one to Brittany.

"Thanks" She says and we let the bottles clink against each other. "To my job and uhm…"

"And Sue's brother in Iraq" I add and Brittany exhales a short laugh.

"Sure. To him." We take a big sip and our glances meet when I pull the bottle from my lips.

"So what else has been weird?" I ask and start playing with the lid in my other hand.

"What do you mean?" Brittany counters and takes another sip.

"You said things today have been weird. So what's weirder than me winning your job back?" Brittany chuckles and leans back on the couch.

"Oh… I don't know. I had the worst headache when I got to the office and so the day is already bad when it starts like this. And uh…" I watch how Brittany fumbles on the label around the bottle in her hands and it looks like she's thinking about how to say what's on her mind. "I got a weird phone call in the morning… I don't know. Things were just kinda surreal today." It makes me wonder because this is like the first time Brittany says something that has nothing to do with work.

"A weird phone call? Did somebody want to sell you pencil holders, too? Cause I got that call last week." Right after I said it I know it's most definitely not the same phone call Brittany's talking about. She also looks at me bit confused and slowly shakes her head.

"No… somebody tried to sell you a pencil holder on the phone?" I nod and three seconds later we burst into laughter. "Well no, that's not what it was." Brittany says with a chuckle and the smile on her face quickly disappears. "It's not important though. Let's talk about something else."

"But you just got me curious. Come on…" I don't know what I'm trying to get out of her because I don't know what weird phone call she's talking about. But I feel like this is something to find out more about her.

Brittany narrows her eyes and she seems to study me carefully. As if she's pondering if she can tell me about this thing.

"Well… it was someone I haven't heard of in quite a while. Like in over a year."

"Ok. A friend?"

"Nah not really. It was… it was the mother of my ex." My eyes widen because that's not exactly what I was expecting. I wasn't expecting anything but also not this.

"That sounds quite awkward."

Brittany bobs her head.

"I guess you could say that." I'm not sure if she wants to talk about this or if we should drop it as it sounds quite personal. But I sort of want to know more. I mean now that she's here…

"What does the mother of your ex want from you after such a long time?" Brittany takes another sip and shrugs softly.

"She wants me to call my ex's sister because it's her birthday soon and we always got along pretty well."

"Alright… but if you get along so well you probably would have remembered yourself, right?" I ask matter-of-factly.

"Technically but we're not talking anymore. I haven't kept in touch with any member of the family in over a year. The call came out of the blue. That's why it was so weird."

"I see but… I'm sorry if I'm being too nosy – but that sounds like a nasty break-up actually, if you haven't heard of them. Have you also not spoken to your ex since you broke up?"

Brittany bites on her bottom lip and I feel like I hit a nerve. I regret it immediately and wish I could rewind those past ten seconds. "I'm sorry you don't have to answer that. We can totally talk about something else if you want."

Brittany rests her head against the backrest of the couch and stares at the bottle in her hands for a couple seconds. Then she takes a breath and throws a short glance at me.

"No it's ok. I uhm… I haven't talked to anyone of the family because my ex girlfriend died almost two years ago. She… she died of a brain tumor. She broke up with me two weeks before."

It feels like something inside me just got ripped apart or something. I almost drop the beer and I'm wordlessly staring at Brittany. A hundred thousand thoughts are crashing down on me at the same time and I can't get one clear one. Died? Ex _girlfriend_?

"Wha…" I can't form a proper sentence so I'm not even going to try before I've sorted the utter confusion in my head.

Brittany seems to read my inner turmoil and she shrugs almost apologizing.

"I'm sorry, that's quite a bomb to drop, huh? I just… I've never really talked about this. I shouldn't have said that. We don't even know each other well. I'm sorry."

"No! God no..." I'm glad I've managed to at least say _something_ so Brittany won't think I'm a complete idiot. "No, please don't be sorry! I'm… I mean _I'm_ sorry. This is horrible. I don't know what to say… I…"

"You don't have to say anything. It's just something that happened in my past and I guess it's a reason why I'm sometimes acting the way I do. It's not an excuse but… I can't blame the people who think I'm a bitch because really I am."

I'm still clutching to the beer bottle in my hand and blinking at the sight in front of me; a complete different person than the one I got to know a week ago. A vulnerable, brokenhearted version of the woman who made it easy not to like her too much.

I put the bottle on the small coffee table between us once I've regained some composure and I hesitate at first but then I get up from the chair and sit down next to her on the couch. There is still enough space between us but I can have a better look at her.

"You shouldn't think of yourself this way. You're not a bitch, you just… well, you seemed really cruel. But you don't have to explain your behavior to me. It's your personal life and…"

"No I really feel like I do have to explain. Truth is I'm tired of people thinking I'm a heartless bitch. I used to not give a damn but this phone call this morning somehow woke me up a bit. I mean I haven't talked to Diane's family in _months_. I just disappeared out of their lives because I couldn't handle being around them and everyone who kept reminding me so hardcore of Diane. At the same time I felt endlessly guilty because we split up so shortly before her death. Her mother never said it out loud but I know exactly she held a grudge against me because I could have made Diane's last days much more carefree. But of course we had to have another fight even though I knew she was sick and one day it was just too much. She said it was over. I guess she also did it because she didn't want me to see her die but I was there anyway when she did. And…"

I can't believe what I'm hearing because I would have never _ever_ thought that there might be such a story behind those walls she has obviously pulled up around her. And some just broke down in front of me. Which is really surreal.

I realize that I have scooted closer to her and my knee is touching her leg and somehow my hand has made its way on her back, just like this morning in the restroom.

It's again just one single tear that is lonely rolling down her cheek, almost as if she can't cry more at a time.

"Brittany I…" There are no words that could make this any less sad or awkward or in any way better. So instead my other hand finds place on her arm and I don't know what I'm doing but I softly rub it to somehow convey comfort. But it probably doesn't help.

I watch how she buries her face in her hands and slowly shakes her head.

"Shit…" She mumbles and another muffled noise sounds from between her hands. She lets them drop back into her lap and I see a second tear drop making its way down her cheek until it falls off her chin and lands on the sleeve of her blazer.

"I'm sorry. I didn't plan… I didn't plan all this. This must be really awkward for you. That's not why I came here tonight. I really just wanted to say sorry." And then her upper body starts shaking and she supports her head in one hand. "Fuck – I'm sorry" She mumbles under a heartbreaking sob and I let my hand on her back wander over her shoulder so I can embrace her from the side.

"Stop it already with all the sorrys." I hush and squeeze her carefully. Her ribcage keeps moving up and down erratically and bitter tears are streaming down her cheeks. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do because I'm already holding her tight and what do you do in such situations anyway? Words are stupid. Words don't help.

I feel her body slowly turning towards me and I'm glad there's some sort of reaction to my embrace because I have no idea if this is ok.

My body goes on autopilot when my left hand reaches for her cheek and with my thumb I wipe some of her tears off.

Maybe I'm making it up in my head but she leans into my touch and for a second my alarm system goes off when I realize that our faces are suddenly incredibly close.

But before I can react and pull back a little, I have already forgotten about it and I'm pressing a kiss to her temple.

Her sobbing becomes less immediately and surprised and happy about the effect, I press another one to her cheek bone. The skin there is hot and I almost burn my lips but it doesn't stop me from lingering a little longer this time.

A soft whimper tumbles over her lips and it makes my heart race like crazy. Somehow my thumb on her cheek is still caressing there even though the tears have stopped running and when Brittany slowly turns her head, I can feel my breath hitting her skin.

If I wanted to stop now it's too late – it's been too late ever since I sat down next to her and I don't know what's happening with me. We're not looking into each other's eyes because I'm way too scared but I'm hanging on her lips when she wets them with her tongue and before I know it they are pressing against mine.

Thousands of grenades are exploding inside me and they warm every single cell I possess until they get overheated and dare to explode, too.

My brain has turned off but my senses are working ten times as hard. Our lips are not moving but they are so definitely connected and this time a whimper escapes my mouth when Brittany's breath mixes with mine. And then she pulls my upper lip between hers and I feel like I'm gonna fall off that couch any second.

It's like a lightning bolt hits our mouths when I come back to my senses and open my eyes. I slowly pull back when everything comes crashing down on me. I just kissed someone who's not my husband. But a woman.

Brittany's eyes are still closed when I scan her face and suddenly I'm feeling sick. Deep blue flashes me when she opens her eyes and my breath hitches.

Some incoherent noise leaves my lips and then I take my hands off wherever they were resting on Brittany's body and I scoot back to bring some air between us.

"Uhm… uh" I mutter and suddenly Brittany seems to regain her mental self and she blinks several times, as if she's checking if this just happened. Which I've been doing constantly ever since I opened my eyes.

Brittany gets up on her feet and makes a step back. I look up and see how she's running her hands through her hair.

"Oh shit…" She mumbles and for a second our glances meet. "I uh… I'm sorry"

I get up, too and I'm surprised I actually manage because my legs feel like cotton or something.

We're automatically standing close again once I'm up and before we can make eye contact, I step back so there is an obvious distance between us.

"Brittany… I'm… this-"

"No, you don't have to say anything. Please I feel like an idiot. I'm sorry I guess it was some sort of reflex because I've been weeping like a baby on your couch. I am so sorry – I'll leave now."

She bends down to grab the bag that has been lying on the floor and then she crosses the room to get to the front door. I follow her and when she reaches for the doorknob she turns around once more.

We're staring at each other but I have no idea what to say or do. And so I just watch how she slowly opens the door and steps outside. I take the place she's just been and my eyes follow her, how she walks away from the house. She doesn't turn around but she does hesitate for a moment. It's just a second and then her steps become determined and quick. Soon she's disappeared around a corner and I'm still staring at that spot seconds later.

My mind is empty and so is my heart right now. Like someone opened a little valve and everything I have ever believed to know just got pressed out of me.


	2. Part II

**Chapter 6 *Reflections***

My shirt is damp and sticks to me when I wake up with a start and I have to take a few breaths to realize I'm in bed alone.

I touch my neck and feel that I'm covered in sweat. It makes me shudder because the window is open and fresh air is crawling over my skin. I throw a glance at the clock on my bedside table and groan.

 _4.30am…_

It's the third time I wake up after I had the hardest time finding rest in the first place.

What's happening…

I throw the thick covers back and get up on my feet. No wonder am I sweating like a pig – I'm still wearing my sweatpants that I put on to clean the windows. I shimmy them down, throw them somewhere on the floor and they get followed by my tank top seconds later. It's drenched!

With nothing but my panties on I step towards the window in the dark. It's full moon so I can see where to put my feet and not crash into the bed or Gabe's chair with tons of clothes on it.

It's a big window with a sill you can sit on and once I've opened it wider, I sink down and take a deep breath. If somebody was in the garden now they could see me half naked but I'm pretty sure our neighbors are fast asleep at this time of day.

The moon could be the reason for my insomnia because I don't sleep well at full moon.

That's a lie… I couldn't care less if the moon if full or a crescent. I can't sleep because my mind won't sleep.

It's a good thing Gabe isn't here right now. He's on a whole different continent and actually it should make me wistful but it only makes me feel relieved. If he saw me like this then he would know right away.

That's impossible… I don't even know what is going on so how could he know?

And that was another lie; I'm _not_ relieved. I'm glad I am alone right now but I'm everything else but relieved. Brittany left maybe six hours ago. And I can still feel her lips… better not think of it.

What's happening?

This doesn't have to be a big deal. It was a reflex, like she said. She was crying because we were talking about this crazy thing and I was there and I…

I know that's not what you do to comfort a friend. But we're not even friends. We work together and I hit her with my car but I wouldn't call that a friendship. It's not what you do to comfort anybody, especially not if you're married.

Because that's what I am.

Is Gabe safe down there? There was a text message saying he was fine when I went to sleep and I have no idea what I replied to him. Maybe he's flirting with doctor Martinez. He has always looked up to her. I don't know who I'm trying to fool because I know exactly Gabe would never cheat on me. And I have never cheated on him. Sure there have been guys checking me out whenever Quinn and I go for a drink or something. Actually I got offered three phone numbers on Friday night when we were out at that club.

But I made clear that I was zero interested because that's what I was. So no, I have never cheated on my husband. Because what happened a couple hours ago is not what you could compare to cheating. I had no idea Brittany is gay. There is nothing about her that would make you think she is. Except she was flirting with Ann Dupré like a world champion but I thought it was for the job.

But that's irrelevant. If she was a man, then I would have tried to console him, too. No, that doesn't make sense. If she was _straight_ then I would have consoled her, too. I mean that's what I thought she was. Or maybe I didn't really think of her as anything? Gay or straight?

I have once made out with a girl… actually it was several times. I was sixteen and my best friend Vicky Javier and I did pretty much everything together. We went on double dates with guys and then never talked to them again. We made out with the same football player at parties and later during our sleepovers couldn't stop laughing at how bad he had been at it.

She was on the cheerios but I wasn't because I was not good enough. She was beautiful and popular and I guess we were friends because we lived next door.

One day she asked me if I would make out with her so we could practice for boys. At first I laughed because I thought she was joking but when her face was only inches away, I knew she was serious and so I said yes.

I remember that first kiss like it was yesterday even though I haven't thought of Vicky in forever. It was bit awkward at first until we got into it.

For the next five months I would pick her up after cheerio practice and drive back to my place. My parents were hardly ever home so all we did was hang on the big couch in the living room, watch soap operas and make out until I couldn't feel my lips anymore. I thought we were practicing hard and that was it.

I had never had a boyfriend because at that time I felt very insecure about myself and my looks. I could have had one if I really wanted, many boys asked me out. But I found that weird because I really wasn't pretty at that time so after two dates at the latest I would ignore their calls and not look at them in the hallways. Maybe it was some sort of self-protection. Maybe I was just not interested.

I never really questioned it. All my girlfriends started dating guys and got into serious relationships, except for Vicky and me. Whenever I got dropped off after a date, I made my way over to hers and we would watch TV until 3am and cuddle under the blankets.

I never questioned that, either. We were just closer than normal girlfriends and I liked it. I felt safe and happy whenever we spent time together and making out for practice was just bonus.

Until I didn't really care about practice anymore and just liked making out – _because_ we were making out. I started questioning it when we got to second base one hot summer afternoon but I never asked _her_ because I was too scared she would end it right away.

So I kept my mouth shut and touched her boobs under the cheerio top which got me all worked up and confused. We also didn't make out with boys anymore but that was our secret. We spent as much time together as possible and I just liked everything about her. I was happy.

But we never got to third base as she ended it during our senior year. Her mother kept asking weird questions why she was spending so many evenings at my place and why she didn't have a boyfriend. So Vicky said that we had to stop the "phase-thing". That's what she called it and I believed her. Because I had not the slightest clue what it meant and so we ended the phase thing…

We stayed friends for maybe three weeks and then she stopped talking to me. It hurt a lot but there was nothing I could do.

So I started dating boys again (always just one or two dates) and at the age of eighteen I lost my virginity to some football jock. I also slept with some other guys later but I never really felt something during it. I don't know why.

Vicky and I didn't even say hello anymore. We went to different colleges after high school and that's when I got to know Gabe.

He was my first real boyfriend… the first person after Vicky that I felt safe with and that I didn't ignore after two dates. That's because we had been friends already and I guess that's what made it so easy. Easy to be together. Easy to live.

I never felt attracted to another girl again because I didn't even consider it. Sure, I found many beautiful but didn't think of it any further because I had Gabe and Gabe and I were good together.

It has never been an issue again. And that's why I can't sleep tonight…

* * *

"You look like you could use coffee. Cafeteria?"

I look up from my computer and see Quinn searching for something in her purse.

"Uh… why do you mean?" I ask and wonder if it's written on my forehead. Quinn pulls her wallet out and throws me a weird glance.

"Because you look like you could use coffee?"

"Oh… but why do you mean?"

"Are you serious? I just want coffee and don't wanna go alone. So are you up for it or not?" She asks slightly annoyed and then I know she probably doesn't think something is up. Usually Quinn can tell something is up before she even enters the room.

"Uhm… sure, why not." I save my work on the computer and then grab my wallet, too. I follow Quinn outside and together we're descending the stairs to get to the giant Sylvester cafeteria.

"So did Brittany say thank you or something after what you did?" Quinn asks and I almost stumble over my feet. It's coincidence, I didn't stumble because she mentioned Brittany. "Jeez what's wrong with you today?" She gasps and grabs my arm to make sure I stand safely.

"Huh? Why – nothing! Are you okay?" I ask and Quinn looks at me funnily.

"Am I ok? Are _you_?"

But I just shrug she pushes me inside the cafeteria. Luckily there is no one standing in line at the vending machine and Quinn studies the different buttons.

"I'm inviting you. What are you having?" She says and grabs some coins.

"Uh… coffee, please."

Quinn slowly turns towards me with her eyebrows knitted together.

"It's a coffee machine – I meant what sort. Latte? Espresso? Seriously Santana, what is up?"

There it is. She can freakin' see right through me!

"Nothing? Why do you always assume something is wrong?" I ask and can hear the insecurity in my own voice. Quinn looks back and forth between my eyes and my hands and tilts her head to the side.

"Because you brought your make-up bag instead of your wallet."

I stare at her confusedly and then look down at my hands. It's true…

"Oh… wasn't looking when I reached for it." I put it behind my back quickly and try to avoid Quinn's questioning glance. "I'll have a presseso. Espresso!"

Quinn bursts into laughter and I can feel how I'm turning red. What the fuck?

"Ok, you know what? Why don't you go sit down at that table over there and take a deep breath. I'll be right there and then we can talk. Go now…" She pushes me gently and points to a nearby table. I oblige because I'll just keep making a fool out of myself otherwise.

So when I scuff towards the free table, I throw a glance across the room and when I spot Brittany sitting just a few meters away, I freeze and I'm pretty sure I could throw up if I wanted as my stomach makes loops.

She's sitting there with Rachel and Mike and they are just laughing about something. Well, Rachel is doing so probably at her own joke while Brittany is just sitting next to her with a small smile on her face and playing with a blonde lock of hair.

I must stare at her because she slowly turns her head and our glances meet between a group of people walking by. I'm pretty sure to see her eyes widen but I can't check again as I am already looking away and making the last few steps to reach the table and thank God whoever invented chairs.

My legs feel like… Play-Doh…

Holy shit, holy shit – what's happening? Why does my tummy act like a yoyo? Crap, crap, crap, crap, cra-

"Here you go. Here is your _presseso_." Quinn chuckles and puts the small cup of coffee between my hands. She sits down on the chair next to me and takes a sip of her own cup. Then she narrows her eyes and studies my face which almost drives me insane.

"What? Stop it!" But she doesn't stop and supports her head in her hand.

"Let me guess… you've been trying to call Gabe but he's not picking up and now you're worried he's having an affair down there." At first I just raise my eyebrows but then I pull a disgusted face.

"You're a pig. He's in Africa, helping poor and sick people." I mumble and guide the cup to my lips only to burn my tongue and curse.

Quinn rolls her eyes and seems to be thinking of another option.

"Ok. Then you thought he was gonna come home in three weeks but he just told you he's staying twice as long."

I click my tongue because this is ridiculous.

"No! It's nothing about my husband, ok? I mean it's nothing at all!" But Quinn doesn't seem satisfied.

"Ooohh… does that mean there is someone else? Please say that's not the case – you and Gabe are such a perfect couple."

"No, Quinn! Please, it's nothing, alright? I slept for like two hours last night and now I feel strained. Can we talk about something else? Jeez…"

Quinn eyes me for a couple seconds and then nods surrendering.

"Ok, whatever" She sips her coffee and I feel bad that I just snapped at her but I really, really don't want to talk to her about what happened.

From the corner of my eye I see a group of people getting up and making their way near us.

"Hey guys! Working just as hard?" Rachel teases with an ecstatic voice and nudges Quinn while walking by. Quinn grins and makes a comment, too but I'm not listening. I'm busy with sneaking a glance at Brittany while trying hard to avoid her eyes.

She's walking next to Mike and he's got his arm around her shoulder.

"Hey girls" He greets friendly and I reciprocate his smile. And that's when Brittany's eyes meet mine and I could say hi but I don't because they're already walking by and turning their backs towards us.

Quinn gazes after them and softly shakes her head.

"You know I think it's really weird. I mean you safe Brittany's job and she acts like it didn't affect her at all. She'd be sitting at home now if it wasn't for your little rescue operation. At first I thought she was interesting but I think she's really just selfish and introverted."

I'm staring at my hands and only dare to look up slowly.

"Well… actually she came to say thanks last night." I mumble and Quinn stares at me.

"Huh? She did? Why didn't you say that when I asked you if she said thanks?"

But I just shrug because really I don't know and I'm too tired to think. So we just sit there for another while and sip our coffees, both lost in thoughts.

* * *

It's five o'clock when I step out of the building and have to narrow my eyes because the sun is burning from a nasty angle.

My shoulders are aching as I'd been sitting in the same position for the past three hours without getting up. It's like a freakin' plane flight sometimes…

I reach into my bag to find the key to my car but have to stand still when I can't find it. I feel it somewhere deep down between make-up and lip balm and when I pull it out, the key chain entangles with something and the next thing I know, is how a box falls out of my bag and twenty-something tampons land everywhere around me.

"Damn…" I kneel down and collect some of them but then I feel silly and get back up on my feet. When I lift my head, I almost drop them again because apparently someone has been watching me.

"Need help?" Brittany asks and her eyes wander over the mess I just created. Of course we have to be the only ones out here as far as the eye can see.

I exhale something between a nervous laugh and a sigh.

"Just… dropped them." I mumble and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. When I look up I see that Brittany is studying me and my glance quickly drops back to my feet. A couple seconds pass until I sense her stepping a bit closer.

"Are you ok?" She asks and I somehow manage to look into her eyes.

"Huh? Uh… yeah? Sure…" But she must know I'm lying because she nods hesitantly and then looks down, too.

"Are you?" I ask and try to sound casual but it comes out weak and pathetic. Brittany sucks in her top lip and shrugs.

"Y-yeah" She states simply and when we gaze at each other, I'm pretty sure we both know and think the same. "I mean… I feel really stupid. I wanted to apologize again but I didn't see you all morning and everyone was there in the cafeteria. But uh… you know about last night – I don't know what I was thinking. I…"

"No, I know. Don't worry. It was nothing, right? I mean this whole situation was bit weird. I guess we…" But I have no idea what I'm actually trying to say and so I just fall silent.

Brittany's eyes wander over my face and then she nods again. She points to the cars behind me and we start walking until we get closer to my car. We don't speak until we get there and I'm not quite sure why we're walking there together.

I stop when we reach my car and I fiddle with the key in my hand.

"I just…" Brittany continues and steps in front of me. I swallow because it's quite a bit closer than before and I look up at her. "I really hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable. I usually don't just kiss-"

"No, please. It's ok. I mean I didn't…" What I want to say is that I didn't exactly stop her, either but that would make it so real. It can't be real. It can only be nothing. "Let's just forget about it. Start over? We had a bad start with the whole accident thing and then we didn't get along and… can we just try again?"

I'm begging her with my eyes and hope she'll accept. Because I have no idea what to do. I don't know if this is the right thing. But it can't be that wrong, right?

I watch how she nods slowly and for a second her eyes pierce into mine like she's trying to look inside me. But nu-uh that's not a good idea…

"Yeah. Good idea. Let's try again. Duh – we could have done that a lot sooner, huh?" She asks and we both chuckle at that because it's true. We really could have.

She's playing with her hands and when her glance drops, I get to look at her face. My eyes wander to her forehead and that's when I notice that the patch is gone. There is a reddish tiny scar and I press my teeth together because I think I'll feel bad for the rest of my life.

I swear it's not in my power when I reach out and my finger ghosts over the small wound. It must have really hurt.

Only when I look back into her eyes I know that she's been observing my move and I quickly pull my hand back. Stupid!

"Sorry…" I whisper and scratch my own forehead to somehow keep my hand occupied. I clear my throat and hold up the key in my hand.

My car makes a beeping noise when I press the small button and try to make clear that I'm ready to go.

Brittany snaps back from whatever thoughts she was in and points to the opposite direction.

"Yeah, I should go. I'll uh… I'll see you around?" I only nod because I don't trust my voice. A tiny smile I manage to give to her and then we both turn around.

When I'm sitting in my car and I have fastened the seat belt, I let out a shaky breath that I did not realize I was holding.

* * *

 **Chapter 7 *Eyes***

So… somehow a whole week has passed and I am getting buried with work. Shelby is crazy! A hundred thousand advertising texts for new beauty products are waiting to be written down by me because another co-worker just quit out of nowhere and I had to take over most of her work. But then I'm also supposed to be there for Shelby when she needs me in the celebrity department. This morning I had to make copies for her. Copies!

But I have learned how to do more than one thing at a time. Like right now I am on the phone with Kurt as I need his advice on one of the products and at the same time I'm typing a reply to my husband's email from last night. Also am I looking at two printed versions of a current job Quinn is working on and point to the left one. She's been holding the examples in front of my nose and asked which one looks better and she seems satisfied with my choice.

"Ok, Kurt thanks a lot! I gotta hang up now. Huh? … If Quinn and I wanna go out tomorrow night? Uhm… hang on" Quinn turns around when I mention her name and bobs her head. "Looks like Quinn is up for it. I'll think about it, ok? Can't promise you anything, yet. Ok bye!"

I put the phone down and exchange a glance with Quinn. She just sat back at her desk and shakes her head.

"Why do you have to think about it? It'll be fun! Didn't you have a great night last time?"

"Yeah, I did. Doesn't mean I need it every weekend."

"Please… if you work for the Sylvester magazine then it is necessary that you go out every weekend to survive the stress. And it's not like your man's home to keep you busy, either. So you don't have a choice. You, Kurt and I are going out tomorrow."

I sigh and shrug it off. I'll think about it later and make up my mind. Right now I have to focus on what to reply to Gabe. He's been writing me an email every day to keep me up to date. Within that first week they have already had great success and treated countless sick people.

I'm happy for him… this has always been his greatest passion actually. To work in a place where his help is much needed, where he can make something just a little better.

I don't know how he does it. But I know he's good at it so I never complained about him being away quite often. I don't think he would have stayed if I had asked him to. He would have said that this is something he needs to do and that it's part of his job. A discussion about his job would be pointless and so we never discuss it.

I type that Shelby is still treating me like her personal assistant and that it's sort of high season here at the Sylvester but that I'm doing fine.

With a _**'Miss u, too – Love, Tana'**_ I sign off and press 'send'.

And that's when my phone rings again. I groan and take one single bite of an apple that has been placed next to my computer and I haven't managed to eat because the stupid phone keeps ringing.

"Lopez!" I yell into the mouth piece and cough unattractively when I gulp down the piece of apple too early.

" _Hey, it's me, Brittany. What was that?"_ My eyes widen and I quickly throw the apple into the bin.

"Oh hi. What do you mean?"

" _It sounded like you just coughed real badly. You ok?"_

"Yeah no, that was Quinn. She's sitting right next to me." I throw a glance across the room and shrug my shoulders when Quinn goes 'Excuse me?'.

" _Oh… ok. Uhm, do you have a minute?"_

"Yeah?" Actually I don't have one but whatever.

" _Well, Shelby just stopped by and gave me a new assignment. I'm meeting this pop band in about an hour, I don't know if you've heard of them. They're called The Compasses and I'll be taking some pictures and ask a few questions before their gig tonight."_

"Ok…"

" _She said I should take you or Quinn with me for… I don't know, some sort of back-up. So if one of you could stop by later? I'm sure you have enough to do but Shelby said that's what interns do. I'm sorry if I'm holding you guys back."_

"Oh… no that's ok. You don't wanna disagree with Shelby. I have to talk to Quinn but one of us will come over in a short while, alright?"

" _That would be great, thanks a lot."_

"No problem. See ya later. I mean – maybe. Bye!"

" _Right. Bye"_

I hang up and want to slap myself. This is exactly how every conversation has happened ever since we agreed to start over. We talk normally and then at the end I say something weird.

"Hey Quinn? Do you wanna go accompany Brittany to this job? She's meeting The Compasses and I guess it would be pretty cool to see what they're doing."

But Quinn only points to her desk which looks worse than mine; no space or time for anything else. I sigh and let my hands run through my hair.

Guess I'll do it… no biggie.

* * *

"Oh wow I had no idea The Compasses are _that_ big of a deal!" I gasp when Brittany and I step into a giant concert hall where we're supposed to meet the four band members back stage. We arrived twenty minutes ago (Brittany drove again) and have been making our way through a maze of hallways, backdoors and staircases until we run into the arms of a guy called John.

Brittany introduces me to the 'best concert manager in the woooorld' and falls around his neck, kissing his cheeks. Apparently he's the guy who Brittany was talking to on the phone last week and referred to me as her assistant. He starts babbling right away with a heavy Italian accent and I learn that John and Brittany have worked together plenty of times in the past and that he always manages to organize some special goodies for Brittany and the people she works for.

No wonder… with that flirty attitude, long blonde hair and a smile to make them hearts beat faster – everyone would promise her special treatment or discount or basically anything she wanted.

"The band is quite big in the business these days…" Brittany states when we follow John backstage.

I get to shake some hands and get introduced to people who I'll probably never see again but I don't care. This thing is huge and I feel special being here. I've never been backstage to anything.

When we reach an empty hallway, John tells us to enter through the last door on the right and then says goodbye to us. I offer my hand for a handshake but John leans down and kisses me on both cheeks. I think he even mumbles something like 'che bella' and winks at Brittany before turning around and leaving us alone.

"Funny accent…" I mumble absentminded and Brittany chuckles when we start walking down the hall.

"Yeah he travels back and forth between L.A. and Italy. His name's actually Giovanni but I guess he wants it to sound more American…"

I grin and wonder what's going to happen next. I have heard of The Compasses and I have actually bought one of their most popular singles on iTunes. But other than that song I don't know their music too well. I hope Brittany's going to do most of the talking as I have no idea what to ask or do.

"Do you have their albums?" I want to know. Brittany throws a short glance at me and nods.

"Yeah, I have them all. I should have played them for you on our ride here, they're all in my car. We can listen to their music on our way back though. They're really good."

I nod and smile at her when we stop in front of the door we need to get through. Apparently someone from inside the room is just about to get out when Brittany wants to open it and when I make a jump to not get hit, I bump into her.

"Oh sorry" I mumble and find my hand on her shoulder. I quickly peel my body off hers and I hate myself for the flush creeping over my cheeks – so unnecessary!

She doesn't say anything and just blinks twice.

"Ladies! You must be Sue Sylvester's girls coming for a little chat with the band?" We get greeted by a woman wearing big nerd glasses and she drags us inside. "I was just about to come look for you in case you got lost in that little labyrinth of a concert hall. How are you doing?" She asks and closes the door behind me.

We exchange a couple nice words and then I spot the band sitting in the back of the room. Two of them are sitting in front of big mirrors, getting their make-up and the other two guys are hanging on a couch and having some snacks.

They all get up to greet us personally and I wonder how Brittany managed to make that possible. Shelby gave her the assignment to talk to the band but I'm pretty sure Brittany alone is responsible for all this actually happening.

Turns out the guys of The Compasses are super nice and it's not even what you'd call an interview. Brittany talks to them like they are some old friends she just met and they laugh at the charming things she says all the time.

What. A. Flirt...

This time I not only hold the microphone but I also get included in the whole thing and it's fun talking to a band who's gonna play in front of thousands of screaming teen girls later on.

Time flies and after thirty minutes of chatting with the band, Brittany is allowed to take some "behind the scenes" pictures to show how they prepare themselves for a concert. At one point she even presses the microphone back into my hands and tells me to get into the picture with them, pretending I'm interviewing the band.

That picture cannot appear in the next issue of the Sylvester magazine – I'm not even wearing make-up today.

It's late afternoon when Brittany and I arrive at the parking lots and get out of her car. She was right; the newest album of The Compasses is pretty good. I'll buy it.

"Make sure you really send the file this time…" I say smugly when we step onto the second floor and our ways separate. She clicks her tongue and nods with a little smirk.

"Will do. Have a nice weekend, Santana."

"You, too"

And that's how we say goodbye.

* * *

 _ **The next day...**_

The guy with the Mohawk has been checking me out ever since I stepped foot into this bar. Quinn, Kurt and I are sitting at the counter and sipping our first Martini. It didn't take that much effort to convince me to go out with them. Quinn was right; there's nobody waiting at home anyways so…

But the guy with the Mohawk is so irritating. Can't he just look somewhere else? He's totally undressing me with his eyes and from this angle I can't see who he's talking to but I'm sure it's his clueless girlfriend. He's sitting in a booth and keeps throwing glances at me and I sigh annoyed when he wiggles his eyebrows.

"This is not as much fun as you promised." I grumble and Quinn and Kurt exchange a glance.

"Well… did you wanna go somewhere we can dance? We could go to the new club again." Kurt suggests but I shake my head.

"Nah… don't feel like dancing. But I could have stayed home and watch Private Practice all night now that Gabe's not occupying the TV."

Quinn bumps my shoulder and points to one of the pool tables in the back of the room.

"We could play pool?" She suggests and I think about it. It's been ages that I last played pool. It's the white ball that you're not supposed to score.

"I don't know all the rules" I mumble and take another sip. Quinn sighs.

"Is something wrong, Santana? You've been kind of different in the past couple days."

I turn to look at her and frown.

"What do you mean different? I'm the same as usual."

"Not really…" She says carefully and scoots a little closer. It seems like she's about to whisper something so I lean in. "Are you pregnant?"

My eyes widen in shock and I look back and forth between her and Kurt.

"What?" I gasp and my mouth is hanging open. "Why would you… why would you think _that?_ " I exhale incredulously and can't believe they just asked me this.

"Are you?" Kurt emphasizes and studies me with a scrutinizing glance.

"No!" I hiss and raise my hands. "Seriously why would you think I'm pregnant? Have I been throwing up at work lately? Eaten pickles with chocolate mousse or something?"

Quinn shakes her head and I can tell she's regretting the question.

"No sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. You just seemed a little tense and moody somehow. I thought that maybe… I mean you and Gabe…"

"I can assure you I'm not pregnant and _really_ not planning on changing that fact anytime soon, ok? God…"

"Ok! Guess I assumed wrong then." Quinn mumbles resigned and empties her glass.

I sigh and slowly shake my head.

Maybe I snapped a little there. But it's absurd that Quinn just asked me if I'm pregnant. You don't just ask someone that. Also have Quinn and I once talked about this and I made pretty clear that I don't want to have kids before thirty. _**If**_ I ever want them.

"You know what Santana… I think you need another drink to loosen up a little. Waiter, three more!" Kurt babbles and I must say it pisses me off a little. Loosen up?

"Actually guys… I'm sorry but I'm not really in the mood to stay. I'll finish this drink and then I'm out of here." I counter and take another sip.

All I want right now is to go home, grab a sundae on the way and then cuddle with a blanket in front of the TV.

* * *

 _ **Same evening, same bar… Brittany…**_

When Puck showed up at her door Brittany was glad. Somehow he always knows when she needs company and then he's there.

He took her to their favorite bar and now they've been sitting in this booth and doing what they always do when they go out for a drink; they talk about stuff, have a drink… and check out the ladies.

She can tell that Puck has already laid his eye on some girl who's probably standing at the bar with her girlfriends and throwing shy glances back at him. The way he keeps ogling over her shoulder - she must be hot.

Normally she would follow his glance and check out his potential new hook-up partner but tonight she doesn't really feel like it. Truth is; it's been a while since she was last interested in somebody and would start a conversation with them.

Actually it's been months that she has asked a girl for her number. Also months since she last hooked up. Which is a frustrating record. It's been months since she last kissed someone- no, wait. Wasn't there something? Oh right… she kissed _Santana_.

Goddamn! She wants to strangle herself every time she remembers those ten seconds where she completely made a fool out of herself. And being honest, she thinks about it often. Actually she can't keep her mind of it.

What was she thinking? Nothing obviously! She wasn't thinking _anything_ at that moment! Santana must believe she's some sort of crazy, mad, weird woman who's been endlessly desperate ever since her girlfriend died.

It's been a week since the 'kissing-incident' and they have actually managed to sort of start over. She has stopped snapping at the Latina and they have had normal conversations. They even went for another job together yesterday and they got along really well.

Except that she was left completely breathless when Santana practically jumped into her arms to not get flattened by that door. It left her speechless to have the brunette that close, even if it was just for one second. But it reminded her of the night a week ago where she COMPLETELY LOST HER MIND to put it mildly.

"Britt?" Puck waves a hand in front of her face and she realizes that she has completely zoned out.

"Sorry… what were you saying?" She asks and Puck knits his eyebrows together.

"Dude, I wasn't saying anything. I told you to turn your cute blonde head and tell me what you think of my future hot Latina girlfriend who's standing at the bar." He states sassily and points over Brittany's shoulder.

She sighs and decides to give in. Puck won't stop talking about that wonder woman all night since he already calls her his _girlfriend_.

So she turns around in her seat and scans the bar for hot Latina women.

 _Oh…_

"And? She totally looks like my future wife, don't you think?" Puck asks with his horny voice and kicks her shin ecstatically.

Brittany quickly turns back. If she didn't know better she'd say her cheeks are getting hot.

Thinking of the devil. What's with the coincidences lately?

"Britt? Have you run out of words because she's that smokin'? But I'll have to disappoint you. This is Mrs. Noah Puckerman… so don't even think about stealing her from me. Are we clear?" He almost sounds desperate and that only happens when he truly fears that a girl might be more interested in Brittany than him.

Brittany throws another peek over her shoulder to make sure she didn't make it up in her mind. But she didn't. There at the bar stand Santana, Quinn and Kurt. Is this really the only bar in L.A. you could go have a drink on a Saturday night?

"Uh…" She mumbles and starts fumbling on her glass. She's not sure what's going to feel weirder to tell him; that his hot future wife is already a wife or that she happens to work with her and that their lips might have touched once.

He would be so jealous, frustrated and turned on at the same time.

"What is it, Brittany? Are you not feeling well? Look a little pale there." Puck says worriedly. She looks up at him and shrugs.

"I'm ok… but I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you." Pucks stares at her confusedly and asks what she means. "She's not gonna be Mrs. Noah Puckerman 'cause she's already a Mrs."

Puck looks like Brittany just told him he's gonna die or something. His eyes jump to the Latina in the background and back to Brittany and back to the Latina.

"What… how do you wanna know? Can you see a wedding ring? That doesn't have to mean anything!" He whines.

Brittany chuckles bitterly and shrugs.

"I know because I work with her, ok?"

"You work together? But that's brilliant! You can totally hook us up! Come on, Britt we can go talk to them right now and then you introduce me to Mrs. Noah Puckerman and then oops – she falls head over heels in love with me and leaves her husband. It's a safe call, my friend. Now come on."

Brittany stares at him in disbelief. How can he be so ridiculously sure of himself?

"Are you serious? She's _married_! There's no way you stand a chance." And when she says those words, they awkwardly hit home.

They stare at each other for a couple seconds and then Puck lets his hand run over his Mohawk. It looks like he's realizing that Brittany is right. His eyes wander back to the three people at the bar and he shrugs softly.

"Ok… guess you're right. But uh… the little blonde is not so bad, either. She married, too?" He asks hopefully and Brittany knows he's referring to Quinn.

She has no idea.

"I don't know. Don't think she's married. But I don't know about a boyfriend." She states and empties her glass. Puck rubs his hands together and gets up from the booth.

"Time to find out then." He says certain and grabs Brittany's elbow.

Before she can stop him in anyway, she finds herself pressed into Puck's side because his strong arm is placed around her shoulders. No chance to get out of that clasp.

And so they make their way over to the bar and Brittany prepares herself for another rather embarrassing encounter with the Latina.

She meets Quinn's glance first and smiles when the blonde's eyes widen.

"Brittany! What a surprise! Did you just get here?" Brittany shakes her head when they step in front of the little group. When Quinn calls her name she can see how Santana's head shoots up from the palm of her hand and their eyes meet for a quick second.

"Hey guys! No we've been sitting in the booth back there and we just saw you and thought we'd come say hello." She states uncomfortably because Puck is still holding her in a tight embrace which makes it hard to breathe. She throws a quick glance at him from the side and sees that he's gawking at Quinn, already forgotten about the original Mrs. Noah Puckerman.

"Well hello to you, too! I'm Kurt Hummel." Kurt welcomes them happily and reaches out his hand to Puck. "And who are you, handsome?" He asks and Brittany almost bursts into laughter when she feels Puck stiffen next to her.

They shake hands and Puck grins weirdly.

"I'm Noah but everyone calls me Puck."

"Oooh how _manly_ " Kurt mumbles in awe and earns a poke into the ribs by Quinn.

"Well I'm Quinn and this is Santana, nice to meet you, Puck." Brittany observes how Santana smiles at him quickly and mutters a 'hi' before throwing a short glance at Brittany.

Everybody keeps looking back and forth between Brittany and Puck and she doesn't know what they are waiting for.

"What?" She asks wondering and looks at Puck, too. Quinn is the one to speak up and she sort of motions to Puck's arm around Brittany's shoulders.

"Is he… I mean are you guys a couple?" She asks carefully and that's when Brittany realizes that they probably look very couple-like in this position.

"Oh!" She exhales and pushes Puck off her. "God no!" She laughs nervously because Santana and Kurt are eyeing her. She earns Puck's offended glance and rolls her eyes in return because he knows exactly how she means it.

"I mean… no, we're not a couple. He's handsome but that's not really my… thing." Quinn and Kurt stare at her because it must sound quite weird when somebody says that a handsome guy is not your thing. Actually this is a good opportunity to clear some things. "I'm gay" She adds nonchalantly.

Kurt and Quinn's mouths slowly fall open and she knew that this would be their reaction. It's always the same. Nobody assumes she's gay when they first meet her.

"Seriously?" Quinn asks and narrows her eyes. But then she seems to change her mind about that question. "I mean… great! Sorry, I didn't mean to look shocked."

Brittany chuckles and shrugs it off.

"No problem" The five of them fall into a weird silence and that's when her glance falls back on Santana.

She only gets to see how the brunette looks away quickly and tucks a strand of almost black hair behind her ear.

Kurt is the one to break the silence and points over Puck's shoulder to the pool tables.

"What do you say? Anybody up for a game?"

"Yes!" Quinn blurts out and claps her hands together. "I haven't played in such a long time. What about you, Puck? Think you can handle losing to a girl?" Puck's jaw is hanging down when Quinn lifts her left eyebrow challengingly.

"Sure I can lose to a girl… but it's not gonna happen." He counters.

"I'll have to make sure you're wrong, then. What about you guys? Someone is gonna need to be there and help out Puck." Quinn says towards Santana and Brittany.

"Uh… actually I was about to go home" Santana mumbles and points to her empty glass.

"Pshht! You're coming with us now. And Brittany you, too." Quinn decides and grabs Kurt's and Santana's wrists. "Come on! Don't be such a party pooper!"

"Okay, okay!" Santana exhales and raises her hands in defense. "But I'll have to watch the first game so I can see how it works. I'll order another drink and watch you from here and then I'll come and play. Deal?"

Quinn clicks her tongue and lets go of Santana's hand.

"Fine… but make sure you watch closely." And then she hooks arms with Kurt and Puck and the three of them walk off towards the pool tables.

Brittany doesn't know why she didn't go with them. She didn't exactly say she was staying with Santana. But she also didn't say she would play.

"Don't you wanna play?" Santana asks in a much softer voice when Brittany looks at her.

"Uh… don't really know how it works, either." That's a lie. She's a feakin' ace at playing pool but the Latina doesn't need to know that. "I'll have another drink instead, too. May I?" She asks and points to the empty chair next to Santana.

The brunette nods wordlessly and then calls the bartender.

He steps in front of them three seconds later and when he asks what they're having, they order a another Martini and a beer.

Brittany makes herself comfortable on the stool and while they wait for their drinks, they throw a quick glance at each other.

"So uh… you guys hang out here often?" Brittany asks and hopes that the weird tension will go away once they've started a real conversation. Things weren't that tense when they were working together yesterday. Probably because they were busy with work and not sitting next to each other at a bar.

"Yeah, sort of. It's Kurt's favorite bar and sometimes we come here after work."

"I see… weird because Puck and I used to come here all the time and I never saw you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure Puck would have come and talked to you if he _had_ seen you though." She chuckles and thanks the bartender when he brings them their drinks. She takes a long sip of her beer because she sort of feels like calming her nerves.

"Six dollars each" The bartender says with a polite smile and Brittany has it ready when Santana grabs her purse.

"It's on me" She states and hands the bartender the money.

"What? No, you don't have to invite me." Santana says quickly and wants to give Brittany the money for her drink. But Brittany only pushes her hand with the cash away and smirks.

"I won't be poor after one drink"

Santana exhales a quick laugh and thanks her by clinking her glass against Brittany's beer bottle.

"So what were you saying about Puck come and talk to me?" She continues and causes Brittany to grin.

"Oh well… when we were sitting in the back, he was convinced that he would leave this bar with _you_ as his future girlfriend by the end of the night." She watches how Santana covers her mouth with her hand to not spit out her drink. Once she has swallowed she laughs out loud.

"Are you serious?" She asks and Brittany nods.

"Yeah. I'm probably not supposed to spill this but he thinks you're super hot." Santana laughs again and shakes her head. The words are already leaving Brittany's lips and it's too late to hold them back: "I mean you _are_ "

Shit… that was not meant to be spoken out loud. Really, really not.

When she realizes her slip, she presses her eyelids together for a second but the chances that Santana miraculously didn't hear those last four words are rather small.

"Huh?" Comes over the brunette's lips and Brittany bites her tongue.

"I- I… what I meant to say was that it's obvious why Puck would say that- like… just because- I mean…" It's hopeless.

When she hears a soft and bit insecure laugh, she dares to throw a glance to her left and sees the Latina smirking with a pink shade on her cheeks.

"Phew, what's in the bottle, huh?" She tries to pull a joke but fails miserably when she catches Santana's dark orbs eyeing her from the side.

Wow…

"Guys!"

Brittany startles and her heart _races_ in her ribcage. Not sure if it's Puck's loud voice or Santana's dark eyes that caused it, she turns around and sees that Puck is standing there at the pool table with his hands in the air.

"I'm losing!" He yells and points to Quinn with his thumb.

"So?" Brittany asks back and tries to control her rapid heartbeat. Is it possible that this was caused by one single glance? One silly, silly glance?

"So you please come help me!"

"Puck! Just… hang on a minute, alright?" Brittany yells slightly annoyed and turns back to look at Santana.

"Such a sissy" She whispers and takes another sip of her beer. Santana imitates her move and once their drinks are empty, she motions towards the pool table where their friends are playing.

"Shall we try our luck?" Santana asks and hops down from her chair.

"Sure" Brittany answers and is glad that they sort of just ignored her little slip about finding Santana super hot. Ugh…

* * *

So it takes her maybe ten minutes to help Puck out of his misery and then she hands him back his cue with a grin on her face.

Quinn looks pissed as hell because she was winning and now she's losing.

"Why are you here again?" She asks Brittany annoyed and pushes Santana out of the way to get into a better position for her next move. Brittany steps back from the table in order not to annoy the blonde any worse and exchanges a quick look with Santana. The brunette is suppressing laughter at her friend's behavior and eventually steps closer to Brittany.

"Why do you tell me you don't know how to play and then you play like it's your number one hobby?" She asks incredulous and crosses her arms in front of her chest.

Brittany bites her lip and shrugs.

"Guess I didn't want to make you feel left out." She counters and that makes Santana click her tongue with fake annoyance.

"Thanks a lot. That makes me feel much better." She says and slowly shakes her head.

Brittany points to the second pool table right behind them.

"You really don't know how to play?" Santana follows her glance that lands on the table.

"Well… I sort of know but I haven't played in forever. And I always miss the holes."

Brittany chuckles and grabs two cues from under the table. She hands one Santana and motions to the triangle of billiard balls.

"Let me see" She challenges and watches how Santana raises her eyebrows in amazement and eyes the middle of the table.

"Fine" She mumbles. "But I'm telling you I'm not good at this." She gets into position and when Brittany sees how tightly she holds on to the cue, she can't help but laugh.

The brunette looks up confusedly.

"What? I haven't even started, yet!" She exclaims and Brittany apologizes quickly.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to laugh but… you're gonna break that thing if you keep clutching at it like this."

"Like what?" Santana asks and looks at her hands. "How else am I supposed to hold the stick?"

Brittany can't help but find it utterly adorable how the Latina seems frustrated already and makes a step towards her.

"It's called a 'cue' and I'll show you, yeah?" She grins and leans against the table. "You wanna hold it really loosely so you can aim better. And then you push with your wrist like…" She makes the first move and the colored balls all roll into different directions. "This… got it?"

She straightens her back and waits for the Latina's answer.

"Uhm yeah I think so." She says easily and gets into position just like Brittany did. "So I just hold it like this and-"

"No, wait" Brittany interrupts her because she can't look at how crippled the woman holds that cue. Seriously, can it be this hard? "You're holding it the same way you just did! I said loosely!" The Latina makes an annoyed noise and drops her shoulders.

Brittany puts her own cue away and steps behind Santana.

"Okay, come on… I'll show you better, sorry." She hears a muffled 'whatever' from the woman before her and grabs the cue right behind Santana's hand. "Alright, lean forward. But you know – don't lie down with your whole weight."

"I wasn't gonna _lie_ on the table" Santana protests but does as she's told.

"Good then. Now put your hand down flat against the table and spread your pinky and your thumb to stabilize your hand. And then you place the cue between your pointer and the table. Know what I mean?"

"No?"

Brittany laughs softly and brings herself into the same position right behind Santana. She hesitates for a minute because she realizes that their standing close together now but if she wants to show her, then she sort of doesn't have a choice.

Right…

She cups Santana's hand gently and guides it back onto the table. Maybe she imagines it but Santana's whole arm twitches at the contact.

"Spread your fingers… and now you make a little tunnel with your pointer." Brittany speaks and helps Santana's fingers.

"A tunnel?" Sounds from Santana's lips and Brittany can see that she grins.

"Yeah. And now you guide the cue right there." Luckily her arms are bit longer than the Latina's so she can easily reach around her and put the cue where it needs to be. The fact that she presses into Santana's backside was not intention but it definitely doesn't go unnoticed. "And you're ready to go. Try it." She breathes into Santana's hair and shudders when that scent almost numbs her.

Next thing she knows is how Santana scores a ball.

"Yay!" She exclaims and they both get back up.

"S-see?" Brittany states and laughs when Santana beams all over her face. "Well done…"

They stare at each other and only when Puck cheers loudly from the table right next to them, Santana clears her throat and turns around.

"Who won?" She asks and Puck raises both hands into the air.

"The Puckster did, of course!" He yells and hits his own chest with a fist.

"And who do you have to thank for that?" Quinn mumbles with a glare into Brittany's directions.

"My fabulous and awesome friend, Brittany Pierce." Puck says with a wide grin and high-fives her.

They decide to order a round of shots before calling it a night and when Brittany swallows the burning liquor a couple minutes later, she's pretty sure to make out two dark eyes watching her from the side.

/

She doesn't really remember how they all said goodbye to each other, she only remembers how Santana thanked her again for the drink and smiled before leaving.

She feels silly for the tingling sensation she felt in the pit of her stomach when she showed Santana how to hold the cue…

She buries her face in Puck's jacket when they step outside and he puts his arm around her shoulder. Luckily he doesn't notice and so they just walk on the sidewalk wordlessly.

She takes a deep breath of night air and when it fills her lungs, she feels something else in there. Something that will give her a hard time to fall asleep tonight. Of that she's sure…

* * *

 **Chapter 8 *Stars***

"Santana?"

I really hoped Shelby wouldn't see me walking by her office but of course she does as the door is open. She probably needs coffee or wants me to do some copy work. Don't we have employees for that? She really needs a personal assistant… who isn't me.

I can't pretend I didn't hear her because she was calling my name pretty loud and there is no one else in the hallway. So I slow my steps and turn around to walk back.

Once I'm inside her office, I really wish I had pretended to not have heard Shelby calling my name. Because there's Brittany standing in front of the desk with her hands in the pockets of her blue jeans. She's also wearing white sneakers and a casual shirt and her long wavy hair is up in a bun. How does she manage to look so good in such casual clothes? I know that all the girls from the fashion and beauty departments always wear their most expensive clothes to work and also Quinn is one of those who would _never_ wear blue jeans on a work day. I don't think I've ever seen her wearing anything else than skirts actually…

I also wear nice clothes and wouldn't show up wearing a hoodie or baggy pants. But I think Brittany could wear anything and she'd still look so nice. I really shouldn't think so hard about what Brittany's wearing and if she's looking good because that's not something for me to think about.

But the thing is… I'm kind of having a hard time forgetting. I can't forget about the kiss…

"Hey" Brittany says and a smile graces her lips. I can't say if it's a warm smile or a fake smile or just a friendly smile. Well, I don't think it's fake. But ever since last Saturday I can't seem to read her actions. Not that I ever could.

I have been avoiding her. Although we had fun on Saturday, I immediately feel uncomfortable whenever she's around now.

Because something happened with my body when Brittany showed me how to play pool and how to hold the stick correctly. My insides were doing the weirdest things when she had her arms around me and that is beyond confusing.

It's just a simple 'hey' that comes from her lips but that hey does something to my heart and that's not okay.

"Hi" I reciprocate and slowly step closer.

"Santana, I was just talking to Brittany and let me just say; You two would be great together."

I'm staring at Shelby because that's like… what on earth makes her think the two of us are great together? Does she know something? There is nothing to know. Nothing further has happened. I'm not interested in Brittany!

And why would they talk about this? Has Brittany told anybody about what happened on my couch two weeks ago? That's ridiculous! Nobody has to know about this.

"What's wrong? You look like you're about to have a panic attack." Shelby states and narrows her eyes. I throw a quick glance at Brittany and she, too gives me a questioning glance.

"Hu-what? I'm – I'm fine. But why would you think we would be great together? I mean… I'm married."

Now it's Shelby's turn to stare at what I just said and I still don't get it. Why were they talking about me and Brittany? Brittany's eyes have widened, too and suddenly I feel like I just said something very stupid.

"I know that you're married." Shelby says slowly and I feel my cheeks are getting so hot.

"She meant because of the get-together with The Compasses." Brittany speaks up and I stare at her. How does that thing work again? Where a hole in the floor opens up and you can just jump down so you don't have to be there anymore? I am beyond embarrassed.

"Actually I just wanted to say that Sue was really happy about the end result of the job you did together. It's definitely gonna make it to the October issue and probably take four pages. You can be proud of yourselves."

So Shelby was talking about me and Brittany _working_ together. Of course, idiot! Not about me and Brittany being great together as a couple. Because that would completely make no sense at all if Shelby would think about me and Brittany as a couple. Why oh WHY did I assume she was referring to _**that**_? Can't I just shut up and let people speak before I open my mouth and say something truly dumb?

"Oh uhm… thanks. I'm glad." I mumble and stare down to the floor as I am sure that everybody can see the heat in my face.

"Good. Because Sue and I agree that this is certainly a combination to go with in the future. You obviously harmonize well together and that's exactly what we need. Co-workers who don't get on each other's nerves but can actually be productive around one another."

I swallow emptily because what can I say to that? I don't even know what it means. Are we gonna get paired up for more jobs?

"Is that ok?" Shelby asks hesitatingly when she looks back and forth between me and Brittany. Neither of us has said a word.

"Yea-uhm… sure." Brittany mumbles and clears her throat.

"Yeah… me, too" I agree because there's nothing else I could say.

"Wonderful, that's all for now. You two leave me alone and go back to work." Shelby says dryly. Whenever she makes a compliment, she goes back to her annoying version very quickly.

When Brittany and I are almost out the door, Shelby calls us back once more.

"I can count on you girls showing up tonight, am I right?" She asks and makes me sigh inwardly.

There's this annual staff party tonight and I was kind of hoping to skip it. If there's one thing I'm really not keen in, it's hanging out at the Sylvester after work hour and getting hit on by several elder and drunk co-workers who never manage to speak a word to me during work.

"Oh… I'm not sure. I mean it's a week night, I'll have to get up early tomorrow." I try to explain but Shelby exhales a short laugh.

"Everybody will have to get up early, tomorrow. It's a _staff_ party for everyone, meaning you're gonna be there and show that our team is complete. Are we on the same page?"

Jeez… Shelby is such a panic maker.

"We'll be there." Brittany answers for both of us and I kind of want to throw an upset glance at her because she doesn't know for sure that I'll be there, right?

"Brilliant. Now get lost." Shelby dismisses us and that's when I step outside and Brittany closes the door behind us.

We're standing next to each other in the hallway and I scratch my forehead while preparing what I want to say.

"You know, I'm really not sure if I'll make it tonight so I'd appreciate it if you didn't answer for me." I say bit sharply and throw a glance at Brittany but I don't reach her eyes.

"You heard what she said. It's not like we have a choice." She counters and I cross my arms in front of my chest.

"I guess but…"

"Are we okay?" That question catches me off guard. "Because it feels like you're mad at me or something." She says with a calm voice.

"Why would I be mad at you? We agreed to start over and that's what we did right?"

"Well, yeah and I thought it was working but you've been avoiding me. That's gonna make it a little tricky to work together in the future."

I knit my eyebrows together and tilt my head to the side.

"I'm not avoiding you." Lie… "I just haven't seen you these past couple days."

"Oh really? So you didn't see me in the ladies room yesterday morning when there was no one else but us in there and you just left without saying 'hi' or anything?"

Maybe that's true… I was washing my hands when Brittany stepped into the room and our glances met in the mirror. She said hello and I just mumbled something and left the room. Which I guess looked kind of weird.

"I thought we were getting along. I mean we got along during the job last week, right?" She asks and seems bit insecure.

"Yeah. I didn't claim anything else."

"But then why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not avoiding you, Brittany." I suddenly sound impatient and I guess I am. It's just that I'm having this weird feeling inside my stomach whenever she pierces her eyes into mine, like right now. Kind of making it hard to breathe…

"Is this still about the kiss?"

Damn. Words… Words!

"The kiss?" I ask dumbly.

"Yes. The kiss. I'd understand if you're not comfortable around me anymore but I guess I'd appreciate it if you told me so and not pretend like we're getting along. That's obviously what you're doing."

"I'm not pretending! Why are you accusing me of this?"

"Isn't that what it is then?"

"What?"

"That you're just pretending to be fine with me around."

I fall silent because I don't know what to say anymore. I'm not pretending…

"I…" I begin but it's so hard to find those words. Brittany still looks at me closely, obviously expecting an answer. "I just… I guess I'm a little confused."

Her facials immediately turn softer when I say those words.

"Ok… you mean about us?" She asks and looks puzzled when I exhale a nervous laughter.

"But there is no _us_." I say with a voice I don't recognize of myself. "You see… I'm having these thoughts that I'm not supposed to have. And it freaks me out."

"What thoughts?" Brittany asks and then a guy comes walking around a corner.

"Ladies…" He greets and is gone ten seconds later. During those ten seconds that it took him to cross the hallway and disappear in one of the offices, Brittany and I wordlessly held eye contact. Or she looked right through me, I don't know.

"What thoughts?" She repeats the question and I slowly shake my head.

"It… it doesn't matter, ok? I'm sorry I avoided you. It was just…"

Brittany doesn't look satisfied at all with what I'm stammering but she lets me go when I helplessly shrug my shoulders, not capable to finish that sentence and turn around to walk away. I try to swallow down the lump in my throat but it only hurts worse.

My steps are fast when I walk further away. Can't I just be okay with it?

It was a silly kiss… a reflex because she was sad. But then why can't I stop replaying those seconds in my head? I was able to not think about it when Brittany and I worked together. I didn't even think about it when we were sitting at the bar and chatted about Puck having a crush on me.

But now I can't stop… I feel so shabby. I should think about my husband but I'm thinking about Brittany and how sweet her lips felt against mine. And whenever she looks at me like she just did in Shelby's office, I wonder if they still feel the same.

And I seriously cannot put those thoughts into words. I couldn't explain it when Brittany asked what thoughts I was talking about because they're not really _thoughts_ … They're feel-

NO! If I think the word _'feelings'_ then that means that something's wrong. And now I just _**did**_ think the word.

This is so not okay. So not gonna be okay.

* * *

 _ **Same day…Brittany…**_

"Are there gonna be many hot women there? You know that's pretty much the only reason I'm being your date. Office parties usually suck…" Puck goes macho when they approach the main entrance of the Sylvester building.

But Brittany knows exactly that he would have accompanied her, either way.

"First of all – you're not my date. You're my good friend so don't even think about telling anyone that I'm your girlfriend."

"Of course not, I'm not gonna blow my chances with the Sylvester ladies tonight."

"And second; how do you want to know that office parties suck? You're a bartender."

Puck huffs and gives Brittany a funny glance.

"Britt… I have been to more office parties than you and always ended up with a hot secretary falling asleep next to me after one earth shattering orgasm. So…" Brittany laughs.

"Maybe you've been to more parties than me but that's only because the party is just about to begin whenever a hot secretary lies down in **my** bed. Because they definitely don't leave with just one earth shattering orgasm… maybe I should explain you once how it's really done?"

Puck shows the hurt by pressing a hand to his chest.

"Getting a little ahead of yourself there?" He asks when he holds the door open for Brittany to get inside the building. "When was the last time you played those magical skills and got laid?"

Brittany hits his shoulder at the direct question. That's how Puck talks and usually she doesn't have a problem talking about the ladies. But there have been no ladies in months. And Puck knows it.

"Shut up…" She mumbles and looks around in the entrance hall of the Sylvester. There are chains of lights everywhere, many bar tables, a buffet, a small stage with some band playing in the background and maybe two hundred people who apparently all work for the Sylvester magazine. There are so many who Brittany has never seen before and she's really glad Puck agreed to join her.

"So what do we do now? Grab something to eat? Dance? Looks like there's a little dance floor in the back." Puck comments and points to maybe three men and women moving uncomfortably to the music.

"No thanks…" Brittany replies and hooks arms with Puck to pull him closer to the buffet.

When they're standing in line to load one big plate for both with fruit, chips and different kinds of snacks, Puck lets his glance wander through the crowd.

"I wonder if Rachel's already here. Weren't we supposed to meet her outside?" He asks and Brittany remembers that he's right. The three of them haven't hung out all together ever since Brittany started working for Sue Sylvester. There was a time where they used to hang out almost every single day.

They would grab something for dinner, hang in front of either Puck's, Rachel's or Brittany's TV to watch some stupid show and then before midnight they would head to the hottest clubs and party till they couldn't walk straight.

It was the time where Brittany needed her friends more than she had ever done before, right after Diane's death. They didn't question her special kind of grieving and were simply glad that Brittany didn't spend all day in bed, crying her eyes out.

They were there when Brittany felt like talking (not that it happened often) and they were there when she felt like dancing and going out to pick up beautiful women. That was mostly Puck's job though. But they didn't question her when she picked up girl after girl for meaningless but passionate hours in a strange bed and they didn't question her when she never called back any of the ladies.

Tonight they decided to meet up and have some fun together.

"Oh right... She'll find us sooner or later. She's probably with Quinn."

Puck's eyes widen when she mentions the blonde and he grins widely.

"I almost forgot about blondie! I'm sure she can't wait to see me again, right?" He asks and keeps looking out for the two women while they make their way to one of the bar tables.

"Totally…" Brittany says absentminded when she bites into a piece of watermelon. She wonders why Shelby was so eager for the whole celebrity department team to show up tonight. It's not like Sue Sylvester is standing next to the entrance, keeping a list to write down all the names of the co workers who don't show up.

Will Santana show up? She really seemed upset today…If there's one thing that Brittany doesn't want, then it's for the Latina to feel uncomfortable. For Christ's sake she knows that the kiss was inappropriate but she thought that they could just pretend it didn't happen.

As if that's possible… The memory of it keeps coming back to her at the weirdest moments. Like this morning there was a song by Carlos Santana playing on the radio and Brittany instantly got reminded of their lips locking.

Or yesterday when she was shopping for groceries, she was standing in line at the checkout and a Hispanic woman in front of her was talking in Spanish on the phone. She has never even heard Santana speak Spanish but it reminded her of how close they were sitting on Santana's couch and how dark her eyes were.

Her heart skips a beat when she spots Quinn making her way through the crowd just a few meters away and two seconds later Santana appears right behind her. Santana can't make her heart beat faster. Because that would be soooo messy.

"Whatcha lookin' at, babe?" Puck snaps her back from deep thought by leaning his face right in front of hers. "Eying some hot chick?" He asks and tries to follow her glance.

"Oh hey there's Quinn! And Santana!" He hits Brittany's shoulder and points to the two women who are dressed so nicely. They're both wearing some chic summer dress and heels and well… Brittany has always liked girly outfits on beautiful girls. Tonight she chose pants and a white blouse for herself because Puck said that she actually looks smokin' in those.

"Oh, you're right. Didn't see them" She lies and is too late to stop Puck from shouting Quinn's name and waving at them so they definitely can't miss them.

"Look who's here" Quinn greets Puck when they approach the bar table. She grins and leans in for a kiss on the cheek. Brittany is bit surprised when Quinn says hello to her the same way and clears her throat once the shorter blonde steps back and puts an arm around Santana.

"I'm sure you also remember Santana?" Quinn teases Puck and Brittany bets that the Latina told her friend about Puck initially wanting to hit on Santana at the bar.

Puck eyes the brunette and nods with a smirk.

"Of course… how's it going?" He asks the brunette but Santana's eyes lock with Brittany's.

"Hi" She says with a soft voice and Brittany watches how she bites her bottom lip.

"Hi…" They smile at each other and Brittany feels bad for accusing her this morning. If Santana's avoiding her, then she has to accept it. It's probably for the best anyway.

She doesn't know for how long they are looking at each other but when Quinn mumbles something like: 'Uh… oookay' she pulls her glance away from Santana.

"So what do we do now? Night is young…" Puck asks and wiggles his eyebrows. He earns a slightly disgusted glance from Quinn and Brittany pats his shoulder.

"Shouldn't you know better? After all those office parties you have been to?" She counters and Puck mumbles something to defend himself.

They get interrupted when out of nowhere, Rachel jumps into the middle and falls around Puck's and Brittany's necks.

"Oh my God! My besties are both here! How are you guys? I haven't seen you in so long!" She presses a kiss to both their cheeks and smiles happily.

"Actually Rach, we had lunch together today. Remember?" Brittany reminds her and the short brunette shrugs it off playfully.

"I know, I know… but I mean all three of us together." And then she turns around and greets Santana and Quinn, too.

Brittany realizes that the five of them are all somehow friends in different combinations but they have never hung out at the same time and it's sort of weird. Because once Rachel has stopped babbling, no one else seems to know what to say anymore.

"You know what? Santana and I haven't even had a drink, yet. Shall we go get something?" Quinn asks the Latina who bobs her head. "Great. I guess we'll see you guys later!" She singsongs and the two walk off towards the buffet.

"That was a little awkward…" Rachel comments but quickly forgets about it when she places herself between Brittany and Puck. "But now the three of us are gonna have some fun! Somebody needs to shake up that dance floor, right?"

Brittany wouldn't stand a chance if she tried to object. Whenever the three of them are together and there is a dance floor near – they make it theirs.

* * *

She's not sure how much time has passed but probably about two hours.

The party seemed pretty lame in the beginning but it's now at its top. Many more of the initial shy co-workers have joined them on the dance floor and Brittany feels really happy, surrounded by her two best friends, some good live music and the bubbly champagne making the mood even funnier.

But Puck just brought them their third glass and somehow Brittany isn't used to drinking more than one beer anymore.

"I love you guys so much!" Rachel yells when she gets sandwiched between Brittany and Puck and she can't stop a giggle fit. Rachel definitely shouldn't drink so much champagne, either. "But look who's having just as much fun!"

She points to a group of people near them and Brittany recognizes Santana dancing with Mike Chang and Quinn hanging around Kurt's shoulders. She can tell that the two women must have had quite a few glasses themselves as they are laughing friskily and clinching to the male bodies supporting them.

Brittany knows how good Chang is with his moves – she's danced with him, too before. So she knows it's pretty easy to forget about everything else surrounding them and just letting him guide her body.

But do they have to dance so close? Like… hello body contact! He grabs her wrists and puts them around his neck and Santana throws her head back when she laughs at a joke he must have just told her.

She's married – her husband would so not like that picture.

Just when Brittany decides that this is not any of her business and wants to turn around, Santana's eyes catch hers over Mike's shoulders. Maybe it's the alcohol in her blood or the loud music fogging her senses but Brittany could swear that Santana is throwing her a look that says more than just 'hey' or 'having fun?'.

She has no idea what it says though… she just gazes.

"Guys… I need some fresh air. This champagne is not my thing. I'll be right back, ok?" She yells into Rachel's ear and the brunette looks worried.

"Are you not feeling well? I'll come with you!"

"No, no. You guys stay and dance some more. I know you're having fun and I'm gonna be fine." Brittany assures her friend because she knows how much Rachel and Puck actually love to dance with each other. It's not just the booze that makes her want to get some air but she also wants to give them some time alone.

She's not sure, yet but for a while she has been given the impression that Puck and Rachel might like each other more than just friends. Which is bit confusing because Puck also seemed interested in Quinn. But is there a beautiful woman in the world that Puck _wouldn't_ be interested in?

So Brittany gives them a warm smile and winks at Puck before she leaves the dance floor.

She grabs a glass of water when she passes the buffet and quickly makes her way outside to the big terrace. She didn't even realize she was sweating but now that the night air hits her face, she can feel the damp hair on her neck.

There are some people she doesn't know standing outside, smoking and laughing and so she keeps walking until she gets around a corner. She knows that one has the best view from that floor and that you get to see a nice part of the city. She has never seen it by night from up here though…

She steps to the banister and leans against it. The cold water feels awesome in her mouth and throat – that champagne was ugly! She lets her free hand run through her damp hair and looks up into the night sky. A breeze tickles her cheeks and arms and she closes her eyes for a moment.

The music is only a muffled noise out here and once in a while she can hear shrill laughter from the party people. Her eyes are still closed when she hears two voices coming closer and once they are only a few steps away, Brittany looks up and blinks several times.

Quinn and Santana are holding hands, probably to make sure they both walk straight and they are chuckling about something.

"Oh Brittany! We keep walking into each other _**all**_ the time, don't we? This is fun…" A clearly tipsy Quinn mutters with a wide grin on her face. "Are we disturbing you? We can totally go somewhere else but we needed a breath of fresh air if you know what I mean…"

"No, of course not. That champagne goes right to your brain, huh?" Brittany answers and earns another giggle but this time of Santana.

"Oh shiiiit!" Quinn exclaims and points back into the direction they just came from. "I totally promised Mike a dance once you were done with him." She says to Santana and nudges her shoulder. "Actually he promised _me_ a dance once he's done with you but whatever… he looks sooo good when he moves like that. So I'll go get my dance now. 'scuse me ladies."

She gives them her golden smile and then makes her way back, careful not to stumble along the way.

When she' gone around a corner, Brittany realizes that she and Santana are alone.

"Wow… Quinn's quite a bit drunk there, huh?" Brittany tries to start a conversation and throws a glance at Santana who's supporting herself against the banister. She exhales a short laughter and nods.

"Yeah, she's not usually the one to drink a lot. As soon as she's had more than a glass of that bubbly stuff, she turns into this funny drunk in no time."

Brittany chuckles and nods.

"Pretty much like Rachel. Can't leave the woman alone with the smallest amount of alcohol in her blood. I'm glad Puck's here, too tonight. I really needed some fresh air."

They look into each other's eyes and then Santana rubs her forehead.

"Yeah, me, too. I get a headache if I stay in a crowd for too long."

Brittany thinks for a second but then hands her the cup which is still half full.

"Want some water? I immediately felt better." Santana stares at the cup and then slowly reaches for it. Of course their fingers touch but Brittany decides to just ignore it.

"Thanks" Santana mumbles and guides the cup to her lips to take a couple sips. "But the air is also so sticky in there…" She adds and wants to give back the water but Brittany shakes her head and says she can keep it.

"Yeah, I guess because the entrance hall of the Sylvester building is not meant for parties like that." She comments and then looks back up into the sky.

They're standing next to each other and Brittany can feel Santana's arm brushing against hers when she puts a strand of hair behind her ear. They fall into silence and Brittany listens closely. She can hear the Latina's breath and how she swallows another sip of water.

"It's really nice out here…" Santana says peacefully and Brittany nods.

"Yeah, I love it actually. I used to have such a great view from the place I lived before I moved into my apartment. I could sit by the window for hours and just observe the night life." She states and smiles.

She senses how Santana turns her head and throws a quick glance to her side. She can tell that the Latina wants to ask her something and so she waits.

"Did you… did you and your girlfriend live together?" She questions eventually and Brittany narrows her eyes. This comes sort of surprising but doesn't make her feel tense or anything. It usually does whenever somebody asks about Diane. Which hasn't happened in quite a long while if she thinks about it.

"Oh no… no we didn't live together. I actually meant my parents' home. We had a real big house and it was up in the hills." She chuckles when some random memories of her childhood rush through her mind. Then she feels like specifying her answer to Santana's question and so she takes a deep breath.

"We uhm… we got to know each other in college and there was a point where we thought about moving in together once we'd graduate. But then I got my own flat because I was done with my studies before her and… and when she got sick, she moved back in with her mother and her sister." She stops talking because she doesn't even know if Santana wants to hear about this. Why does she tell her anyway? She's only known Santana for a couple weeks and she has already told her more about her life with Diane than anybody else who didn't know her.

"Was she… was she sick for a long time?" Santana asks carefully and Brittany doesn't know what's happening to her. It doesn't hurt to remember Diane being sick. It still makes her feel sad… but it's a sad she can handle. A sad she can talk about – out of nowhere.

"No actually… after her diagnosis it was just a few more months. It was a shock, of course. And it ended fast. She didn't have to suffer for years…" She clears her throat because this topic is so off. But it also feels good to tell Santana. And only God knows why.

"How long were you together?"

"Two years. I was twenty and she was nineteen when we got know each other. I was already out and proud then and so was Diane. So it was really easy to get into a relationship and things went smooth. Her family loved me and it looked like we were gonna stay together for a long time. But not everything turned out to be as simple as we had hoped in the beginning. She got jealous easily and we fought a lot after the first year together… we still somehow managed and stayed together. Then we found out she was sick and I guess that's where things started to fall apart."

She stares down and watches the red lights of some cars driving by far away. From the corner of her eye she can see Santana fumbling on the cup in her hands.

"Was she uhm… I mean were you…" She hesitates and Brittany turns her head to look at her. Santana only throws a shy glance.

"You can ask." She assures the brunette and smiles softly. Santana reciprocates and parts her lips.

"Was she the love of your life?" She bites her lip as if regrets the question. Brittany takes a moment to think. And then she decides to try the truth.

"I loved her… I loved her very much. I still do. But there were times where we fought and sometimes I wondered if there could be something out there. Something bigger you know? Something where nobody needs to be jealous because you're so sure of the love you have for each other and you just know that you don't have to be afraid that you ever might get cheated on. Even though Diane and I were a great match – I still couldn't help but wonder if there was something or someone who might make me feel different. Freer maybe… does that sound bad? I probably sound like a bad girlfriend." She chuckles bitterly because this really doesn't sound so nice.

She watches how Santana shrugs at first and then slowly shakes her head.

"No… you don't sound like bad girlfriend. You sound honest, I guess."

"I don't know."

They stay quiet for a couple minutes, both lost in thoughts. The air is fresh but it doesn't make her shudder. The stars are sparkling up there and Brittany wonders when it was the last time she felt so calm.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Santana speaks up after a while and chuckles softly. Brittany grins and turns to the brunette.

"Yes" She answers simply because it looks like Santana has been nagging on something that makes her feel uneasy. Brittany watches how she takes a breath before convincing herself that she can say what she's about to say.

"I sometimes wonder the same."

Brittany blinks a couple times because at first she doesn't know what Santana means. "I love my husband… but I got married when I was twenty-one. It was my first serious relationship. I mean who does that, right?" She laughs nervously and shakes her head. Brittany actually thinks she looks really bitter and sad.

"God… if _**you**_ think you sound like a bad girlfriend then I sound like the worst wife on the planet." She breathes and keeps shaking her head. "My husband gives me everything I could ask for. I'm surrounded by stability and still I don't feel truly safe. I always thought I felt safe and I guess I do in general… but that other kind of safety is missing. That probably doesn't make sense at all."

Brittany ponders about Santana's words and comes to terms that it does make sense.

"Just because you get married doesn't mean you're reaching home…" Her own words surprise her a bit because – what does she know? She doesn't know what it's like to be married.

She can feel Santana's stare on the side of her face and suddenly she thinks that this whole thing is sort of comic. So she chuckles and shakes her head repeatedly.

"What?" Santana asks bewildered but cracks a smile, too. "What is so funny?"

"It's just…" Brittany exhales a real laughter and covers her mouth. "It's just that this is so weird. I mean you hit me with your car in the pouring rain and now we're standing here side by side and I'm telling you about my girlfriend who died and you tell me about your marriage that is not so super-duper. Don't you think that's kind of funny?" She can't help but laugh again and it only takes a couple seconds until the brunette's upper body is shaking with laughter, too.

Brittany tries to relax but she only snorts and trembles harder.

"Oh my God" The Latina nudges Brittany's shoulder to make them stop but it takes another couple minutes until they manage to take deep breaths and calm down.

"I'm sorry… but it just sounded so silly in my head." Brittany apologizes and shakes her head. When Santana doesn't reply anything, Brittany turns her body so she can look at her.

Apparently Santana has been watching her, too and her eyes sparkle in the moonlight and the dim shimmer of some lonely chain of lights above their heads.

"Wow… I've never seen you laugh like this." Santana states when their eyes truly lock for the first time they've been standing out here. "It's beautiful." She adds and it makes Brittany's heart flutter. It actually feels like she's standing in an elevator going down. That weird feeling that makes you want to throw up for a second because it feels like your stomach actually drops. Except that it doesn't make Brittany want to throw up right now and it's not her _stomach_ that makes weird flips and jumps and somersaults.

She realizes that she's been getting lost in Santana's eyes for many long seconds and that she probably should say something or do something before this gets weird. So she parts her lips and wants to say the following words: 'Do you want to head back inside?'

But what comes out is – nothing. Instead she keeps staring into those dark orbs that must be truly the warmest brown she's ever seen.

She watches how her own hand makes its way from the handrail up between their bodies until her thumb is touching Santana's chin. She doesn't know why her chin… or why she's touching her. But the skin there is so soft and her mouth is really cute.

Santana's lips part and Brittany can hear and see that she's breathing heavier than a couple minutes ago. She's not panting… but she can feel the hot breath hitting the back of her hand.

Last time they didn't look into each other's eyes when it happened because there wasn't time to do so. It happened out of nowhere. But now Brittany allows herself to look there where Santana's eyes are and they are promptly staring back at her, open and wide. And somewhat scared.

She doesn't want her to be scared. She wants her to feel good.

And so for the second time within two weeks Brittany leans in and closes her eyes right at the moment where her lips connect with Santana's.

It doesn't compare to anything she could think of. Her heart is beating in her throat and her fingers that are still connected to the Latina's chin are trembling. Her digits are freaking trembling and it only gets worse when Santana exhales a breath between their attached mouths.

There is no time to think if this is really happening because other than last time, Brittany feels the other woman kissing back. After the initial shock of tasting Santana's hot lips for the second time, she starts to slowly move against them.

They are so full and delicate; she has _never_ kissed lips like these before. She dares to let her fingers wander to the brunette's jaw so she can gently pull her closer into that kiss.

She's scared that Santana will pull away once she touches her there but it results the opposite; she feels a hand on her hip. It's as light as a feather but it makes Brittany moan softly. She can't hold it back. A hand on her hip makes her moan.

She has to part her lips to not choke on that moan and two seconds later she feels something wet stroking her bottom lip. To make sure she didn't imagine it, she pokes out her own tongue and looks for the source of what made her breath hitch.

Utterly careful the tips of their tongues collide between Brittany's lips and it makes the hand on her hips grip harder.

She takes it as a good sign and dares to put more into the kiss that is blowing her mind. She can't think straight but she also doesn't need to. Those lips are everything she needs right now.

Another shaky breath escapes Santana's lips when Brittany grabs her face with both hands and pulls her even closer. Their upper bodies collide and Santana's hand holds on so tight to Brittany's side. Warmth shoots through every single limb of Brittany's body and she prays that her legs will not give up on her.

Their lips are moving so easily and naturally against each other, it's like this is the kiss she's been waiting for. The one that makes her think this thing called magic exists… It fucking exists and it's standing right in front of her, breathing heavily and holding on to Brittany's hips for dear life.

With another stroke of their tongues and a wet kiss on the lips they break apart. Otherwise Brittany would have collapsed as she has stopped breathing the air down to her lunges.

Their foreheads are resting together and Brittany keeps her eyes closed while Santana's breath hits her upper lip rhythmically. With one single kiss to the Latina's jaw, she slowly pulls back and opens her eyes.

The first thing she sees are Santana's puffy and reddened lips right in front of her. Her eyes wander up to get locked with brown ones and she fears that she will meet pure shock or panic or something as crushing as this.

But what she gets to see is warmth and desire and Brittany doesn't ever want to look away from these eyes.

She swears she'll do anything… to make Santana feel safe.


	3. Part III

**Chapter 9 *Tears***

 _ **Santana's POV…**_

She has just let go of my cheeks and I'm glad and desperate about it at the same time. Glad because I think I was close to lose the strengths in my legs if she had kept holding on to me like that. But desperate because I'm about to lose ground.

Somebody hold me.

"Brittany…" I mumble because I know I'm gonna sink to the floor any second. But a warm hand cups mine that is still resting on her hip and I instantly feel grounded.

If kissing is cheating, then I now know what cheating feels like. Except that to me it feels like something else. Something I can't name. It's like beyond my horizon right now. _Everything_ is.

I grab her arm with my other hand as out of nowhere a sob erupts from my body. Before I can do something about it, I am bursting into tears.

I lean into her and bury my face in the crook of her neck because looking at her is too much. A sensory overload it is. I can't handle smelling her perfume that is so sweet, feeling the hot skin on her neck, tasting what is left from her lips on mine, hearing her erratic breathing _and_ seeing the bluest eyes I've ever seen piercing into mine. I can't handle all five of them so I close my eyes and I am powerless to hold those tears back that are streaming down my cheeks.

Brittany wraps her arms around my body and if I was getting cold before, then I am warming up so quickly now. She holds me very tight while I cry into her shoulder and I'm glad she's not trying to sooth my crying fit with soft words or strokes over my back. She just holds me close and although what just happened is not okay, she makes me feel it will be.

I'm not sure why I'm crying. A kiss like that doesn't make you cry, it makes you feel beyond good. And I guess that's why I'm weeping like this.

I have never been kissed like this before.

Gabe doesn't kiss me that way.

Just when that thought hammers in my mind, I feel Brittany's lips brushing against my forehead and I press my eyelids closer together to savor that very feeling in my mind and in my heart. I know I'll have to pull away eventually and that we can't stay like this all night. But I want to…

" _Santanaaaaa!"_

Brittany's arms loosen their embrace and I make a step back, wiping the tears from my cheeks. Quinn is near and I try to take a deep breath before I have to face her.

Three seconds later the bubbly blonde appears from behind a corner and there is Mike Chang attached to her hips.

"There you are!" She slurs and laughs when Mike kisses or rather licks her cheek. "Hey Sana, Mike and I are gonna head home. I mean his home." She just left out a syllable of my first name but it makes sense as I can tell how drunk she must be by now.

I quickly collect myself and make a step forward.

"Uhm… are you sure? You look like you could use some sleep actually."

Quinn laughs wholeheartedly and grabs Mike's collar.

"But that's why I'm going over to Mike's! He's got the most comfy bed ever."

"How do you know?" I ask and Quinn wiggles her eyebrows. No way!

"I'll see you at work tomorrow. Have a most wonderful Christmas. I mean night!" She grunts at her slip and blows a kiss into my direction before grabbing Mike's butt and telling him to lead the way.

"Oh boy…" I mumble once they are gone and slowly turn around. Quinn is old enough to decide where she spends the night and Mike actually seems like a pretty decent guy, so…

I'm glad Quinn didn't see my smeared make-up in the dark because I must look so trashy right now.

Once silence settles in, I look up and see Brittany gazing back at me. I get a pretty clear idea of how desperate and lost I must look right now by what's written across Brittany's face. Something between affection and compassion… and a whole lot of unspoken things that shall remain that way.

"I'm…" I begin but Brittany quickly parts her lips, too.

"It's okay, Santana. I don't think we can explain this right now." She speaks softly but convinced and I'm thankful. Because I wouldn't have the answer. "Do you want to go home? I can call you a cab…"

I nod slowly because I really need to go home.

"Yes, please."

Brittany nods, too and reaches into the back pocket of her jeans to grab her phone. She's dialing the number and I ponder for a second.

"What about you, are you leaving, too? We could share the cab." Brittany's thumb stops moving over the keypad and she blinks at me several times. "Unless you wanna stay bit longer-"

"No, no… I'll go say goodbye to Puck and Rachel and then we can meet outside?"

I nod and try to form a smile on my lips. I think I manage although it feels quite weak.

Brittany guides the phone to her ear and I turn around to make my way back inside.

* * *

The radio in the cab plays a nice song and I try to focus on that. For the past ten minutes I've been sitting in the backseat and staring out of the window. My eyes are following the streetlamps, the people walking, the advertisements, the nightlife of this town.

When I was standing outside of the Sylvester building and waiting for Brittany, I realized what a weird idea it was to ask her to share a cab. Normally it wouldn't be weird, it would be polite. Considering the fact that we were kissing a couple minutes earlier, makes it weird.

But the reason why I asked her is that the thought of being alone scared me more. And it also does now.

I throw a glance to my left where Brittany is sitting on the other side and she's looking out the window, too. The car slows down and that's when she turns towards me.

"This is where I live." She says low and reaches for her purse. The money she gives the driver is enough to get me home, too and I'm too tired to object. She clears her throat and I count the seconds until she'll open the door and step outside.

"Are you gonna be alright?" She asks and our eyes meet for a second. The driver mumbles something but I don't know what.

I steer my glance back to find hers and I'm pretty sure she holds her breath when I slowly shake my head.

"No?" She sounds a bit surprised but also prepared. Is that even possible?

"I think I'll do something stupid like accidentally burn down my house if I go home now…" I whisper and hope I won't have to say anything else.

Brittany bites her bottom lip and studies me for a couple seconds. Then she shrugs.

"You could stay"

My heart hammers.

"Are you ladies gonna make up your mind any time soon? I actually have to be somewhere else real soon." The man in the front speaks and Brittany and I lock eyes for a silent agreement.

She opens the door and steps out while I scoot across the seat and follow her. She shuts the door behind me and we are standing on the sidewalk, face to face, not sure what this is supposed to mean. I throw a glance around and see that this looks like a nice neighborhood and the building behind Brittany must be the one with her apartment.

"I can make coffee. Or tea." She speaks softly and points over her shoulder. I nod and wordlessly follow her when she turns around and makes her way to a big front door.

She guides me inside and we climb two stairs and pass five doors until she stops in front of one of them. I watch how she looks for the keys in her purse and I close my eyes for a second.

What am I doing here?

The thought is forgotten when the door opens and Brittany and I step inside. It's dark in here but I can make out some shapes and know that this isn't a very big apartment. She switches the lights on and I look around. We're already in the middle of the living room and there is one couch, a giant TV on the wall, a table with four chairs, a book shell and I can even throw a glance into her kitchen from where I'm standing. There is another door that probably leads to her bedroom and one for the bathroom.

It's small. It's cozy.

Brittany makes a few steps and throws her purse onto the couch. Then she strips out of her jacket and hangs it on the backrest of one of the chairs.

"I really feel like a cup of tea. Shall I make some?" She asks and I guess it's time I open my mouth and say something.

"Yes… I'd like that" My voice sounds hoarsely and I clear my throat before making my way over to the couch and slowly sinking down on it.

Brittany disappears into the kitchen and I watch her. She opens some cupboards and grabs several things like mugs, spoons, sugar and teabags. She turns on a water kettle and I pull my eyes away to see what's around me.

There's a bowl with fruits on the coffee table right in front of the couch. A remote control and a phone… a laptop and some envelopes. On my left there's another small table. I look at the framed picture on it and recognize a younger Brittany hugging another blonde from the side. It looks like their sitting in the backseat of a car and having fun with melting ice creams in their hands.

I have a feeling this must be Diane. She's pretty… and Brittany looks carefree.

"You can also have a cold drink if you like. I have soda or water or…" Brittany's soft voice sounds near when I feel a weight dipping into the couch next to me. I didn't even hear her coming back.

I turn around and smile when I reach for one of the steaming cups of tea she prepared.

"This is fine…" I answer and stir the tea with a spoon although I don't think she's put any sugar into it, yet.

I take a sip and burn my mouth.

"Shit" I curse and suck in my lips. I put the cup back on the table and bury my face in the palm of my hands. Seriously what am I doing here?

"Santana…" Brittany whispers and I hear how she puts her mug away, too. "If you want me to drive you home than I'll do it. I'm not sure if I should drive though but I can call you another cab. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

I shake my head and I am so lost. I've never felt so lost in my whole life.

"No, I want to stay" I breathe and don't even know what that means. I just know I can't go home right now. I can't go home and fall asleep there. It's impossible. And I don't know why but being around Brittany is the only thing that feels right although it should feel like the opposite.

"Okay. Do you - do you want to take a shower? Watch TV? Coffee maybe? I mean I just made tea but…" I pull my head up and look to the side where Brittany is still sitting. She throws a glance at me and I can tell her insides must feel similar to mine.

"No no, I think I should just… I think I should sleep."

Brittany slowly nods and clears her throat.

"Yeah. Let me show you my… bed. I'll sleep on the couch and you can just get some rest."

She stands up and I do, too. I follow her until we reach her bedroom where she opens the door and turns on the light. It's small but a queen-sized bed stands in the middle and there is a huge Superman sign spread across the duvet.

My eyes widen and I almost burst into laughter.

"What's this?" I gasp and throw a glance at Brittany. Looks like she just remembered Superman sleeping in her bed and a blush glows on her cheeks.

"Oh… that- that was a gift from… Puck. He gave it to me because we uh used to watch it together. I mean _he_ used to watch Smallville and one evening he forced me to watch five episodes in a row and then he… gave me that."

She clears her throat and I can't help but laugh.

"Right" I mumble and watch how Brittany pretends to not be embarrassed about it. She opens a closet right next to her and grabs some sweatpants and a T-Shirt. She gives them to me and scratches her forehead, avoiding my eyes.

"You can wear those to sleep. And uh… I'll go find you a toothbrush." I hold the shirt in front of me and press my lips together at what I see.

"Hello Kitty? That's cute…"

Brittany stares at the shirt in my hands and then rolls her eyes.

"Damn" She exhales and takes the piece of clothing from my hands. "I'm sorry, you must think I'm stuck in puberty or something. Here…" She throws the Hello Kitty shirt back into the closet and hands me a plain one instead. I chuckle and thank her.

She grins, too still bit embarrassed and there is a short moment of silence where I don't know what to do.

"The bathroom is right next door. If you need anything you can just tell me."

I nod and wait until she's left the room and I'm alone. I sigh deeply and let everything in my arms drop down on her bed. My hands run through my hair and I close my eyes for a moment.

This is so surreal. I mean seriously surreal. Because I'm standing in Brittany's bedroom, about to spend the night when there is no actual reason to do so. It's not like I had no other choice. It's not like I don't have a home.

I shake my head to get rid of those thoughts because they're not helping. I throw a glance over my shoulder to make sure the door is closed and then begin to take off my clothes.

Once I'm only wearing my underwear, I slip into the sweatpants that are bit too long and the shirt that fits perfectly. Maybe bit tight around the boobs.

I open my purse that I threw on the bed and grab a scrunchy to put my hair into a bun. I turn around and open the door to step outside because Brittany said that she'll find me a toothbrush and I feel like brushing my teeth.

Once I'm out there I jump back because my eyes are not prepared to the sight that is offered to me. My heels hit the door when I stumble back and a loud thud makes Brittany startle and turn around.

She's standing next to the couch and she's wearing nothing but her jeans and a blue bra. She's holding a shirt in her hands that she was probably just about to pull over her head.

"S-sorry! I should have knocked." I stammer and try to avoid looking at her half naked body. I realize that knocking on the door before stepping _**out**_ of a room would be quite weird but I could have asked if she's undressing before storming into the living room. Ugh…

"That's ok" Brittany replies, putting the shirt on quickly and pulling it over her breasts until she's not half naked anymore. Which I saw because I _didn't_ manage to look away.

"I got you the toothbrush and a towel if you want to freshen up. It's on the toilet seat in the bathroom." She explains and I nod yes with cheeks getting hot.

"Thanks" I turn away and I'm so mad at myself for walking in on her getting changed. It's so cliché. With quick steps I disappear into the bathroom and sigh a breath of relief once I close the door behind my back.

* * *

 _ **Forty minutes later…Brittany…**_

Whenever Brittany sleeps in the living room, she just sleeps on the couch itself. But tonight she wanted to try the mattress which was a mistake. It is so fucking uncomfortable. How did Puck or Rachel ever manage to sleep on it without breaking their backs? It's one of those shabby mattresses that you can pull out from underneath the couch and it sucks.

But now she doesn't want to make any loud noises by putting it back in because Santana's probably asleep and it's late. They will have to get up soon and head back to work.

Well… Sue Sylvester sent an email, letting all the co-workers know that they have to show up at ten a.m. because of the staff party. Which is nice… but still. It's already past midnight.

If Santana is already sleeping? Because the events of the night are events of the kind that gives people sleepless nights.

At least that's what she thinks. She doesn't know what the kiss did to Santana. She has no idea. Well, she can't be grossed out because the way she kissed her back –damn.

But she must be freaked out. So is she! Who allowed her to lean in and kiss a married woman? Who allowed her to love that kiss so much and not wanting it to end?

Who allowed her to feel such a deep desire for somebody taken? And then Santana's married to a man like… is she maybe bisexual? It doesn't actually matter but wouldn't you react differently if you were straight and a woman kisses you out of nowhere?

She hides her face in the pillow because these thoughts are killing her. Santana is right next door. How are they gonna act around each other in the morning? Will she give the Latina a ride home before they head to work? How will they say goodbye and then say hello when they cross ways at work?

Goddamn stupid life!

Hasn't she had enough complicated tasks to solve in her past? What's this supposed to be? Another challenge? To see how much she can take?

She startles when she hears a crack and her eyes shoot to the bedroom door. It's dark but she can see Santana's silhouette making two small steps into the living room. Brittany lifts her head and wants to ask if everything's alright.

But it's obviously not. Santana leans against the wall and Brittany can tell that she's studying her in the dark. There is a shimmer of light floating through the big window behind the couch but Brittany can't remember where it comes from.

"Santana? What is it?" She whispers although there is no reason to. They're both awake.

"I can't sleep in your bed…" Santana whispers back and Brittany knits her eyebrows together, waiting for the brunette to say more. "Because whenever I'm alone – I think. I always do that and my brain dares to implode. It's probably too much to ask and I'd cross just another border which kind of seems to be my thing lately. But can I… can I sleep next to you?"

There is a plea in her voice, so low and soft that Brittany almost doesn't hear it. She wants to say something but Santana is quicker. "I don't wanna think anymore… I just need to sleep but I can't."

If Brittany thought that Santana looked desperate in the cab – she looks _terrified_ now. Like a child who knows she did something stupid and is so worried about the consequences.

Brittany has run out of words. Everything she can think of saying to encourage Santana to come lie down would either sound too stupid or too erotic.

So she just scoots over until her back hits the couch and there is enough space for a second person to lie down. It's not much but Santana will fit.

She watches how the Latina slowly steps closer and when she reaches the mattress, she sinks down on her knees. She avoids Brittany's eyes and lies down in front of her, so her back faces Brittany.

Carefully she reaches for the blanket at the same moment that Brittany wants to give it to her. Their hands bump together and Brittany hopes that wasn't already too much.

"Thanks" Santana mumbles and lets her head rest on the shared pillow.

Brittany beholds the body in front of her and her breath hitches when her eyes wander over the silky raven hair that is no longer in a bun. She feels the urge to let her hands run through it but lets it be.

The borrowed shirt seems a bit tight and Brittany can see the curves of a shoulder blade and the form of Santana's side that goes down to her waist which is hidden by the blanket. She looks peaceful when Brittany can only imagine the turmoil that must be going on _inside_ of her.

She's beautiful… so feminine and really a nice person. She's everything a guy could wish for. Or a girl.

When the woman in front of her stirs, Brittany's heart jumps. As if Santana heard her thoughts and that would be embarrassing. Santana moves again and her upper body turns a bit towards Brittany.

"Brittany I… I can't tell you what this means. I am so utterly confused and I'm lost." She whispers and shrugs. Looks like she wasn't falling asleep, either and still thinking hard just like Brittany.

"I thought you didn't want to think anymore." Brittany replies and keeps still although she wants to scoot closer so badly.

"Yeah well… you make it kind of hard" The brunette admits and Brittany swallows. "I just don't know what to say."

"I didn't ask you to explain, right?" Brittany asks softly and closes her eyes for a minute. "I don't know the answer, either."

She hears a rustling noise from the pillow and when she opens her eyes, she finds Santana's looking back at her. Her body is still not facing her but she's shyly looking over her shoulder.

"So we just… wait?" She asks and her eyes wander to Brittany's lips.

"I don't know" Brittany has never been so clueless. She feels checkmated or something. No idea what to do next.

But when Santana looks at her so desperate and lost, she can't help herself and lifts her body a couple inches so she can move closer. There is still some air between their bodies but she knows that they would fit like two puzzle pieces.

"I honestly have no words to try and make you feel at ease." Brittany confesses and so she tries differently.

She lifts her hand and slowly reaches out. It settles on Santana's shoulder and she expects the worst. That Santana will stiffen or scoot away from her. But she stays.

With her thumb she tries to make soothing circles on the shoulder blade in front of her but that is so silly! So she pulls her hand back.

She almost apologizes but then Santana shuffles backwards until their bodies are pressed flush against each other.

That comes surprising.

Heat shoots through body parts that Brittany almost forgot about. That's not true. But she can't remember the last time her front was pressed into a woman's butt like _this_ and it feels embarrassingly good. But this is not supposed to be sexual, Santana wants comfort.

And so she takes a deep breath, wets her dry lips and resists the urge to cant her pelvis forward. Instead she lifts her hand once more, as she takes Santana's move as an invitation and rests it on her shoulder for the second time. Luckily her fingers are warm and she carefully strokes them down the Latina's forearm.

This actually feels nice. She can't remember the last time she caressed somebody like that. Her fingers wander back up until they reach Santana's neck and she plays with her hair before running down the length of her arm to the elbow.

She slips and the tip of her finger lands on Santana's waist that is shockingly uncovered by any kind of fabric. She holds her breath because she doesn't want to overstep a line. Which regarded objectively, she already has. Twice.

When there is no sign of panic from the other woman, she lets her fingers wander to the small of Santana's back which is kind of a hard task as they are lying so close together. They ghost over the fabric of Santana's shirt, make small circles and spirals until they get lost in dark hair again.

It feels just as amazing as she thought and she wonders if Santana's hair is naturally so soft or if she uses a special shampoo. It's probably natural.

Brittany bites her tongue because that shampoo-thought is something so unlike her. She used to not give a fuck whether her hook ups had soft hair or a broom up there. All she wanted was to get into their pants, have some fun and not call them back.

But Santana's hair is different than all the hair she has ever had in her bed. Confused about her own kind of gross thoughts, she pulls her hand back and starts stroking her arm instead. She wonders if Santana's falling asleep because that's what she said she wanted.

She's not quite sure what she's trying to reach with that petting thing but it feels like Santana's body is relaxing under her touch. So she keeps going and closes her eyes because she's starting to feel calm, too.

She's been resting her head on her elbow and it starts to feel numb but she doesn't care. Her hand wanders up and down the Latina's arm and she can hear her slow and steady breath.

Without knowing what she's doing, she guides her hand once again lower than her elbow until she touches the warm skin of her hip. Santana stirs a little bit but calms quickly, so Brittany stays there for a minute. Meanwhile she smells the scent of the shampoo right in front of her and it still smells the same like she remembers from the moment where they leaned against the pool table and Brittany practically held Santana in her arms.

Kind of intoxicating but she can handle it. Her hand continues moving carefully on her hip and it slowly makes its way over Santana's pelvis and to the side of her thigh. Maybe it's the blanket that covers her actions but it's so much hotter down there than on Santana's forearm.

"What are you doing?"

Brittany feels close to a heart attack when she hears Santana's voice after countless minutes in silence.

She tries to think of a plausible reason to justify her hand on Santana's thigh but there is none. And the fact that Santana's question was followed by a shaky breath makes her mind go blank.

"I…" She whispers and pulls her hand back so it's resting against her own stomach. "Sorry"

A couple seconds pass and the shame is burning on Brittany's cheeks. Why did she have to ruin this sweet moment where Santana trusted her?

"You don't have to pull away" Santana whispers softly and causes Brittany's insides to make loops. What now? Should she touch her or not? "I just can't… _youknow_ "

Brittany knows. At least she thinks she does. Say what?

Hesitantly she guides her hand back to Santana's body, this time she stops on her elbow to make sure. This is a good spot and Santana seems to be fine with it.

"Sleep well…" Brittany breathes and squeezes Santana's arm.

Santana hums softly in response and that's what causes Brittany's eyes to shut and she tries to relax into the pillow. But it takes long minutes, maybe an hour until exhaustion and sleep outweigh and take over her body.

* * *

 **Chapter 10 *Seagulls***

 **Santana's POV…**

It takes a couple seconds until I realize where I am. I don't actually remember when it was the last time I woke up in a "stranger's" bed. I'm still lying in pretty much the exact same position as we went to sleep and when I sharpen the tactile sense of my hip, I know Brittany's still holding me.

With a glance to my watch I sigh inwardly, thinking of having to head back to work soon. And I also sigh because problems don't solve over night. At least not this one…

With a heavy heart I carefully turn onto my back, the hand on my hip dropping somewhere between our bodies. The small of my back hurts because this mattress is really shitty. I dare to throw a glance to my left and get to see Brittany in a blissful sleep, her head resting on her elbow and her blonde hair spread across the pillow.

My breath hitches in my throat because her face looks so relaxed and at ease when she sleeps. Usually she looks very concentrated or thoughtful. Except when she was dancing at that club – she looked very happy then.

But the way she looks right now is so different… So far I've never had the chance to shamelessly study every detail of her face. I've never noticed that freckle above her left eyebrow. And there's the little scar I caused on her forehead.

I turn to my side so I'm facing her and I mirror her position by tucking my elbow between my head and the pillow. Our knees are touching and I smile faintly when the memories of last night float my mind. The way she just leaned in and kissed me…

And then she made tea.

How am I going to get this right? Is that even possible? I have Gabe… and a wedding band on my hand. It's weird but this morning it feels almost painfully tight around my ring finger. Sometimes it feels tight because I'm warm and then my fingers swell. And when Brittany's hand stroked over my thigh last night, I got _**so**_ warm… and that's why I'm gonna be in trouble soon if I am not already.

Is there a way that Brittany and I can just look past what happened on the terrace of the Sylvester building? Can we just forget about the fact that we have kissed twice and that I want it to happen again?

Is it for the best if we decide to stay friends or maybe even nothing at all?

But…

I don't _want_ to forget. I couldn't. Who wants to forget the best kiss you've ever received? Who wants to forget something that intimidates but also attracts you - someone so intriguing?

I was able to forget about Vicky Javier, my secret high school sweetheart. She didn't even know she was that to me because we claimed to be friends to the last day. But she really sort of was… I adored her and if Vicky hadn't ended "the phase-thing" then I'm sure it wouldn't have taken long until we'd slept with each other.

But only now I begin to realize what this means. Before I met Brittany, I thought of Vicky as this crush that many straight girls develop on their friends and then forget about it once they fall in love with a beautiful boy.

And when Gabe and I started dating, there was no reason for me to think about what might have happened between Vicky and me _if_ we had continued. Because Gabe did everything to make me happy. All the experiences I made as a teenager… I put them into a different drawer of my life and have never opened them again. Until now.

I never intended to put those puzzle pieces together because I didn't even know there was a puzzle to solve. I still don't know what it all means.

While these thoughts are crazy, scary and somehow exciting all together… I get distracted by something.

Brittany's eyes are still closed and so I dare to reach out my hand and a trembling finger tucks the stray of hair behind her ear that was about to fall into her face any second. Her lips twitch and when my digit ghosts over cheek, she stirs a bit. My finger and her skin are like magnets and so I draw a line down her jaw and can't resist tickling her chin.

I feel my own lips crawl into a smile because tickling a sleeping person isn't very nice. Except that she isn't sleeping anymore.

My heart skips a beat when I realize that her eyes are open and probably observed my sneaky move. I want to say sorry or 'good morning' or 'hey' but I'm speechless and too scared that I'll say something wrong. I think she's going through something similar and so we say hi by gazing into each other's eyes while my finger's still glued to her chin.

Her eyes wander to my lips and before I let her finish that thought, I let my digit wander back over her jaw and down her neck. She swallows when I dip into that little pit underneath her throat and then reach her shoulder.

When I softly stroke the sensitive skin of her forearm, I wonder if she's not ticklish.

"Are you not ticklish?" I whisper and our eyes meet. She blinks and then knits her eyebrows together in slight confusion.

"Are you still touching me?" She asks back and my glance drops to where my fingers are clearly connected to her arm.

"Uhm yes…" I mumble and Brittany lifts her head a couple inches so she can look herself.

"Oh fuck" She gasps and pinches the skin next to my finger. "Shit – ow!"

"What?" I ask irritated and stare back and forth between her arm and her face. "Did I hurt you?"

Brittany's eyes widen when she keeps pinching her skin.

"No but my arm is completely numb! Oh my God, that feels so weird." She actually looks terrified when she stares at her arm that indeed does appear quite dead.

"Did you sleep on it all night?"

"Well… I think so. Shit that feels funky and… gross." We sit up on the mattress and I watch how Brittany tries to swing her numb arm in front of her body. "I know what it's like when your foot falls asleep but it feels like my arm is gonna _fall_ _off_ any second!" She gasps and starts slapping her forearm in desperation.

"Wait, wait…" I kneel in front of her and grab her hitting hand to stop her from hurting herself. I place it on her thigh and then scoot closer so I can hold her numb arm. "That's not gonna help. The blood needs to be able to run through your veins again." I say calmly and grab her right hand with mine and guide my left one to her shoulder. "Lean back"

She does as she's told and rests against the couch, watching what I do with her numb limb. I pull her hand up to my chest so her arm is hanging free and I carefully start kneading the skin on her forearm and her shoulder.

We exchange a quick look and I get distracted for a second but keep massaging her arm.

"Are you feeling something?" I ask and squeeze her hand in mine. Her eyes drop to our connected hands and I realize that I'm holding hers quite close to my chest.

"Not yet…" She mumbles and I raise an eyebrow.

"Not even a little bit?"

Brittany looks back into my face and a shy smile forms on her lips.

"Maybe a little bit"

I grin and let the palm of my hand run up and down her arm to keep stimulating the bloodstream.

"Oh no" Brittany mutters and pulls a face. "It's waking up and starts tickling real bad. Do you know that feeling?"

I nod and stop the movement on her skin.

"Yeah… that's really nasty. Just hold still and it'll be over in a minute."

I just hold her arm without squeezing it and our eyes lock once more.

"Did you sleep alright?" She asks and bites her bottom lip.

"Yeah except that this mattress feels like concrete."

She chuckles and nods.

"Sorry… I guess we could have switched to the bed but I somehow forgot I have one."

"That's ok though. How about you?"

"Huh?"

"Did you sleep well?"

"Oh" Brittany exhales and nods slowly. "Yeah I did. Very. I mean… just fine."

We smile at each other and then Brittany's glance drops to the watch around my wrist.

"Shoot… we better get going. I'm sure you want me to drop you off at your place before you head to work, right?"

I snap back from staring at her and let go of her hand that I have been holding in a warm grip.

"Yeah if you don't mind. I need fresh clothes and a shower."

We get up on our feet and I stagger a bit because of the soft mattress underneath our feet. Brittany's hand on my lower back stabilizes me until I step down onto firm ground. I pretend to not actually have noticed her hand there because this is getting a little…

"I'll be ready in a few. Just have to use the bathroom and change back into my own clothes." I say and point to her bedroom.

"Sure" She replies and then I turn around and make quick steps to disappear behind the bedroom door.

* * *

We haven't said a word since we got into her car and I'm glad we're nearing the street where I live. Just because I have no idea what to say.

I secretly hoped that a miracle would happen overnight and that I would know what to do. But I'm as clueless as before and so I decide to not speak because I don't want to make this more confusing than it already is.

She pulls into my street and when we approach the house, my heart sinks low.

There in the driveway stands Gabe's black SUV and I feel how my pulse speeds up and something heavy settles in my chest. Five seconds ago I was breathing normally, now my throat closes up and panic wells up inside me.

Brittany seems oblivious to my inner turmoil when she stops the car next to the sidewalk and turns off the engine.

"Here we are" She says and with trembling fingers I unbuckle the seatbelt.

"Y-yeah. Thank you for the ride."

"No problem. I'll see you at work, I guess…" She trails off when I turn to face her and I hope she won't see my heart hammering in my chest. Her ocean blue orbs seem to be looking for something in mine that I don't know how to give. I am so distracted. "This whole thing…" She adds when I'm already reaching for the door. "If you think we should talk – or if you _**don't**_ wanna talk again then I would understand. Sort of… but if you want to talk and try to find out what this is then I promise I won't just walk away." She seems to be struggling with her words and sighs.

Please not right now… I have no idea what to say and I feel like something bad is gonna happen any second but I don't know what it is. Gabe's car standing right next to the one I'm sitting in is making me feel so nervous.

"Brittany, I really have to g-"

"I'm not trying to play with you if this is what you think. Rachel would laugh at me now because she knows how I used to be with girls but… but you're not just-"

"Brittany, I have to go. I'm sorry. I'll see you at work-"

"No, wait Santana I really want you to know that I-"

"I'll see you at work" I speak more determinedly and Brittany closes her mouth with a bitter expression, the hope fading in her eyes. She looks at her hands on the steering wheel and nods once, accepting my sudden stonewall.

It feels like I'm gonna cry any second and not wanting to risk that, I open the door and step out without looking at her once more.

As soon as I close the door behind me, she starts the engine and slowly drives off.

With a dry throat and a racing heart I pass Gabe's car and make my way to the front door.

* * *

It's silent when I step inside but I immediately smell my husband's aftershave lotion. How could I forget that he was going to be back a couple days early? He wrote it in his last email. The one I only answered with maybe three sentences.

Right now I don't even remember the reason why he took an earlier flight because my mind is blank. I look around in our living room and there are two suitcases next to the dining table and some boxes and bags. His shoes are also there and they look like he went on a survival mission in the jungle.

When I hear a noise from inside the bedroom I close my eyes for a second and try to gather my words, thoughts and my behavior.

"Gabe?" I yell pathetically weak and have to clear my throat. There's no way he could hear me. "Gabe?" I go louder and that's when the door opens and my husband storms out. He's cell phone in his right hand and a notebook in his left one.

When he sees me, I can formally see the obvious worries leaving his body and he gasps with relief.

"Santana…" He breathes and makes his way over to me. As soon as he's close enough, he opens his arms and picks me up. He squeezes me till all the air gets pressed out of my lungs. "Sweetheart where were you?" He mumbles into my hair and puts me down. His hands are on my shoulders and he pushes me away a couples inches so he can have a better look at me.

He looks worn out and exhausted and I swear his eyes have turned a little greyer. But all in all he still looks the same; tall, handsome and on a mission.

He's always on a mission, always worrying, working or thinking about something. The latest mission was obviously trying to find me.

"I… hi…" I mumble and cup his hands on my shoulders with mine. I swallow because I'm having the hardest time looking into his eyes. Eventually I break the eye contact and my eyes linger somewhere on his chest.

"Hi" He says back and squeezes my shoulders. "Honey where were you? I know you don't leave for work before 8.15 and so I thought I'd find you in bed but it was empty. And then I remembered that you wrote something about an office party at the Sylvester yesterday and then I thought that maybe you never got home." He sounds truly worried and the lump in my throat aches so badly.

"I… we drank a bit too much and then I stayed with… a friend."

"Oh with Quinn?"

I look up and wonder if I should lie.

"No. I stayed with Brittany. She is new and offered to crash at her place."

There is a weak smile on Gabe's face and he nods slowly.

"I see. I just... maybe you should leave a note next time you sleep somewhere else."

I knit my eyebrows together because I want to object. I want to say that he wouldn't even have known that I was gone if he hadn't come home earlier. But then I remember that he mentioned it in his email and I guess I should have left a note. If I had remembered.

"Gabe… don't worry so much. What if I had just left for work early? That might have been possible, right?" I ask and make a step backwards so his hands drop from my shoulders. I take off my jacket and hang it on a peg next to the door. I somehow need to get some space and air.

When I turn around and face him, he gives me a puzzled look.

"Well that's exactly what I thought. I thought that you left for work early. But then I had a weird feeling and called Quinn to ask if you were already there. But she didn't pick up as she probably wasn't there yet, either and so I went to look for Shelby's number in your address book. I come home at 7.30 in the morning, my wife isn't there and I'm supposed to not worry so much? Santana! Your car was in the drive way and the bag you always wear for work was still standing in front of your closet. I thought you got kidnapped last night or fell into a river or God knows what!" He almost yells and my eyes widen. He never uses a loud voice while talking to me. We never fight.

My lips part and I try to say something in defense but there's nothing. Because he's right to freak out… everyone would freak out if your wife or husband is nowhere to be found at 7.30 in the morning.

"I… I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I forgot to leave a note because-"

"Did you forget I was coming home early?"

"N-no… I just didn't think you'd get here in the morning."

His eyes wander around and he seems to be thinking about that possibility.

"Oh… I guess I didn't say what time I'd be here." He mumbles and runs his hand through his short hair.

I shrug because I know nothing. Literally know nothing anymore.

"So, you're fine?" He asks and bores his eyes into mine. My voice rasps when I say 'yes' and he makes two steps forward until he can lean in and press a kiss to my forehead. "I'm glad then…" He whispers and clears his throat when I don't say anything back. "I uh… I should unpack my stuff and Roger and I have to be at the practice at 10. I better hurry so I can maybe sleep for another hour."

I nod and watch how he turns around and grabs both of his suitcases and carries them into our bedroom.

When the door closes behind his back, so do my eyes. Slowly I feel the oxygen fill my lungs after holding my breath for ten minutes.

It feels like I had stepped out of my body and watched the whole scene rather than participating. Is this how husband and wife reunite after almost three weeks apart?

Do you forget leaving notes when you're in a happy marriage? Do you kiss each other on the forehead instead of your lips when you're in a happy marriage?

Do you have trouble looking into your husband's eyes when you're in a…

And when I reach out, another puzzle piece falls into my open hand.

* * *

 _ **Brittany…the next day…**_

She listens to what Shelby has to say and tries to save it in her brain but somehow all the words that leave the brunette's lips make no sense at all.

She hasn't seen Santana since she dropped her off at her place and she can't help but think she blew it. If there was _ever_ something to blow – it's not like they have a real thing. They kissed twice but that doesn't mean anything. People kiss all the time.

What was she thinking when she touched Santana under the covers like that? She must have thought that she's some sort of needy lesbian pervert who can't keep it in her pants once a woman sleeps next to her.

She wasn't trying to feel Santana up so it would lead into something more. She really just wanted to be close to her and it felt so good. But not in a 'let me touch your body' kind of way.

Still she clearly overstepped and Santana freaked out.

But then why was she being so sweet when Brittany was close to hyperventilating because of a numb arm? The way Santana took care of her and held her hand so close to her chest. She had felt the Latina's heartbeat and almost told her that. And when Santana asked if the feeling in her arm was coming back, she answered no just to make the moment last bit longer although she had felt something.

"Brittany?" Shelby's face is literally just inches away and her big brown eyes are boring into Brittany's. "What's the matter? You look like you're daydreaming about cotton candy or something as sweet as that. Are you even listening?"

Brittany shakes her head to get rid of those thoughts and apologizes for zoning out.

"Is everything alright?" Shelby asks with her forehead in frowns.

"Hm? Yeah, yeah… what were you saying?"

Shelby sighs and points to the pictures lying on her desk that show different actresses in evening gowns and starts babbling something. Brittany nods and maybe the first ten words she can follow but then her memory goes back to: _'Are you not ticklish?'_

Ugh…

* * *

She's sitting at her desk and her tired eyes are roaming over the screen in front of her. For the past hour she's been surfing in the internet to get the information she needs for the new assignment Shelby was talking about. Something with red dresses maybe? Why didn't she listen?

She groans as it's a hopeless case today and supports her head in her hand. Her eyes wander to the bottom left of the computer screen because a small window pops up, letting her know she just got mail. She clicks on it and her eyes widen immediately.

 _ **To: pierce.b/s-magazine**_

 _ **From: lopez.s/s-magazine**_

 _ **Subject: lo siento…**_

 _ **I didn't mean to be offhand yesterday morning. I was really glad I could stay at your place and that you gave me a ride home.**_

 _ **My husband came back and I didn't know what to do.**_

 _ **Maybe we could go for coffee after work? Please.**_

 _ **S.**_

She stares at the words and swallows emptily. So he's back… that was gonna happen sooner or later. Still it feels weird.

Her fingers lower onto the keypad to compose a reply and after taking a deep breath she types.

 _ **To: lopez.s/s-magazine**_

 _ **From: pierce.b/s-magazine**_

 _ **Re-subject: lo siento…**_

 _ **Tell me when and where. I'll be there…**_

 _ **B.**_

Once it's sent, her heart starts beating faster and she stares at the screen until a reply appears two minutes later.

She knows the Café that Santana suggests. It's near the beach and she loves it actually so she types another short reply, letting Santana know that she knows where to go at 5.30.

With a nervous feeling she gets back to work because Shelby will want _something_ by the end of the day. But now it's worse than before. Meeting at a Café means you're gonna talk.

What will Santana have to say? That it can never happen again? That she loves her husband more than anything else in the world and will never risk losing him?

Brittany clenches her teeth together and decides to just be prepared for anything.

* * *

She spots the brunette as soon as she sets foot onto the restaurant's terrace. Another terrace… if this is a good idea?

She's sitting at a table for two, a glass of water in front of her and gazing somewhere into distance. Slowly Brittany makes her way over and lets her eyes wander over the surroundings. It's a very small Café and Brittany has been here maybe two times with Rachel to eat delicious ice cream. It's kind of an insider's tip and there is just one other person sitting at a table on the other side of the terrace.

Santana looks up when Brittany reaches her table and a shy smile forms on her lips.

"Hi…" Santana says softly and points to the small bench across the table. Brittany sits down and reciprocates the Latina's smile.

"Hey" They sit in front of each other and before either one of them can say a second word, a waitress appears and asks for Brittany's order. "I'll have a latte, please" She says politely and the waitress looks at Santana.

"Me, too. Thanks."

They are left alone and Brittany lets her eyes wander to the brunette's face. She staring at her own hands and it looks like she's about to say something but the words are giving her a hard at time coming out.

"I'm sorry I didn't come look for you today or yesterday… I wanted to apologize for not even say thank you. But I didn't manage." She sighs and Brittany feels bad. Santana's obviously struggling with a super messy inner conflict and it's no fun to watch.

"Actually you did say thanks for the ride… and it's not like you owe me any kinds of explanations. I mean _**I**_ kissed _**you**_." Brittany exhales a short laugh and shakes her head. If anyone should feel bad then it's her. "I shouldn't have kissed you, it wasn't fair." The words taste bitter because they're not what she feels.

"You shouldn't have?" Santana asks with such a low voice that Brittany thinks she misheard. Those brown eyes look up, full of sorrow and questions.

"What?" Brittany asks because she doesn't know what it means. Santana seems surprised about her own words.

"I mean… so you regret it?"

Brittany's mouth slowly falls open and there are like a hundred things she wants to say at the same time. How could she regret that kiss? How could she regret it when the memory of it gives her the sweetest tingles everywhere?

For a moment she considers reaching across the table and putting her hand on Santana's but that cannot be a good idea. So instead she frantically shakes her head.

"No… no, of course not. I don't think I would have done it twice if I had regretted in any kind of way. I really wanted it because it felt like the only right thing to do at that moment. Although it was selfish of me. It's _me_ who has to apologize. Because I knew you're married." She admits and the brunette's eyes widen secretively. She nods slowly at Brittany's words and then the waitress appears at their table with a tray in her hands.

"Sorry ladies it took bit long. The coffee machine is making trouble. Enjoy!"

Neither of them has truly listened to the waitress's words and just nodded absentmindedly.

Brittany reaches for her spoon and stirs the content of her cup while thinking of what they have revealed so far.

Santana mirrors her actions and when they both take a sip, their eyes meet above the cups for a brief second.

"Do you?" Brittany asks carefully but she really needs to know.

"What?" Santana counters but they both know that they both know what she means. Santana's glance drops to her cup and she takes her time to answer. Brittany observes how Santana bites on her bottom lip and how she shrugs hardly notable.

And then she shakes her head. She doesn't regret.

They stay silent for a while and Brittany wonders what is going through that pretty head that is thinking so hard. She can't help but reach out her foot under the table and nudge the brunette's leg.

She promptly looks up and their eyes lock easily.

"Thanks for taking care of my arm this morning." Brittany states and grins when Santana chuckles.

"You're welcome. But I'm sure the feeling would have come back by itself sooner or later."

"No… I would have pinched and slapped myself until I would have lost feeling in my other arm, too. You saved me."

Santana laughs softly and takes another sip of her coffee. Then she chuckles again.

"What?" Brittany wants to know and watches Santana's every move.

"I just imagined Quinn. I think she would kill me if she saw me now. Flirting with someone who isn't my husband." She says bitterly and amused at the same time. Brittany thinks about it for a while and shakes her head.

"But Quinn isn't here now. And even if she were - it's truly nothing she has to worry about." She lets her eyes wander over the terrace when she speaks and spots two seagulls flying around each other.

Santana sighs audibly and gives Brittany a brave smile. But Brittany can tell that the Latina must feel torn inside. All the talking can make things clearer but it doesn't make them easier.

Brittany hesitates at first but then she pats the spot right next to her on the little bench.

"Come here" She says and watches the confusion in Santana's eyes at the request.

"Huh?"

"Come here… sit next to me, I wanna show you something." Santana chuckles nervously and still looks confused when she gets up and makes a step towards Brittany's side of the table. She sits down and Brittany lifts her arm over Santana's shoulders so their bodies are close together.

"What's this?" The brunette asks bewildered but also with a smile in her voice.

Brittany points to the sky and Santana's eyes follows her finger.

"Look at those seagulls out there. Can you see them?"

"No"

"No? They're right there! Just two. Am I right?" She throws a glance to her left to see if Santana is looking into the wrong direction.

"I don't see them" She whispers but she's also not really trying as Brittany can tell. She seems distracted about the sudden closeness and so Brittany clears her throat and then reaches for Santana's right hand. She grabs her finger and points to the two birds still dancing around each other in the air not too far away.

"Right there" She mumbles and feels Santana nod her head.

"Oh… I see them now." Their hands sink back down but stay entangled.

"Good. Now look how they are flirting." Santana chuckles instantly at Brittany's words. "They are flirting so hardcore, I mean hello? They are entertaining the whole beach with their PDA and no one asked for it! Seriously what are they thinking? That they are the only two seagulls out there?"

This causes Santana to snort with laughter and it's so contagious. Their bodies are shaking against each other until the laughter quickly dies and leaves them out of breath, their faces close together.

Brittany's throat feels dry and she knows why… it's because Santana's cheeks are glowing and their hands are resting on Brittany's thigh with their fingers entwined.

"And now you're doing it again…" Brittany breathes and she only realizes now that her heart is once again throbbing in her chest. Santana's eyes jump back and forth between Brittany's eyes and lips and there is seriousness in her face.

"I do what?" She whispers and the sweet breath that hits Brittany's cheek almost knocks her out.

"Make me want to kiss you again"

Their eyes lock and what gets exchanged is honesty and sincerity and craving and permission. It's Santana who wets her lips with the tip of her tongue before closing that unnecessary gap between them for the third time.

Their mouths collide softly – way softer than the night of the office party. But it's so, so good and Brittany is glad she's sitting on that bench and not standing up.

It's not the easiest angle because Santana is leaning into Brittany from the side but they make it work and it works so fucking spectacularly. Brittany squeezes Santana's hand and pulls her closer with her arm still around Santana's shoulder.

Their lips are shyer than last time because now they have talked – not very much – and know that they don't regret it. It's not a kiss that emerges out of nowhere. Well, sort of it did. But this time Brittany knows that it's not just herself who can't resist the woman she met under the weirdest circumstances.

She knows Santana doesn't just let it happen but actually longs for that contact and for their lips to meet so sweetly, shyly and passionately at the same time…

When she feels Santana's other hand touching her cheek, she breathes into the kiss and parts her lips because she needs to taste more again. It's been two days since she last tasted Santana's tongue with her own and she doesn't have to wait any longer when Santana mirrors her actions and they meet somewhere in the middle, their mouths connected so promising.

Like that kiss promises that this is not just a fling that they will soon forget about.

They break apart when they're in great need of air and Brittany sucks in her bottom lip where Santana's taste is so present as if they're still kissing.

She feels Santana's forehead rest against her cheek and she slowly opens her eyes. The sun is so bright and it hurts her eyes but she doesn't give a damn. Santana's thumb is still caressing her cheek while her other hand is trembling but save in Brittany's.

"I like you so much…" Santana whispers huskily and Brittany's heart swells to the size of a melon. She can't remember the last time somebody said something like that to her and actually meant it. And she was so scared she'd never deserve to hear it again.

"Ditto" She blurts because she's simply not capable to form a proper sentence. She holds Santana in her arm and presses a lingering kiss to her head as the brunette is still resting against her and looking down, slowly catching her breath.

Brittany senses how Santana pulls her hand away from her cheek and two seconds later it brushes against her breast.

She glances down and sees how Santana pulls back and covers her mouth with probably the same hand that just touched something else.

"Oh God… sorry I didn't mean to, I swear" Santana apologizes hastily and throws an embarrassed look up into Brittany's eyes. "My arm was getting tired and I wanted to rest it on your stomach and then I – sorry."

Brittany can't help but chuckle at the adorableness and squeezes Santana's hand assuring.

"Santana… you're not gonna get arrested for an unintentional boob grab. It's fine…"

The brunette nods with a smirk and then rests her head on Brittany's shoulder.

She doesn't know for how long they sit there and watch the flirting seagulls but the sun is slowly setting. And she doesn't know where this will lead.

But if there is _any_ way… if she'll have a chance… then for the world's sake she will not miss it.

* * *

 **Chapter 11 *Revelations***

The day was beyond tiring and she can't remember last time she drank water or did something to keep her body hydrated. That's probably why her head is aching slightly when she sinks down on her couch and a long sigh escapes her lunges.

Maybe the headache is also a result of concentrating too much. Shelby gave her so much work to do and Brittany barely ever had a real break to get some coffee in the past week.

Or… or the headache is simply because of worrying.

When she and Santana watched the flirting seagulls by the sea last week and held each other close – everything felt a little bit ok although it wasn't of course. Nothing's ok and she knows it. She can't expect Santana to go for it just because they are attracted to each other.

She's married to someone who seems to be a real nice guy and you don't just throw away a relationship you've had for three years. That's what Santana told her at the Café… she told her a little bit about Gabe and their marriage.

Santana seemed really insecure though. As if she didn't quite believe her own words when she said that the marriage started out great and loving.

But Brittany doesn't want to make assumptions and hope that maybe Santana thinks marrying Gabe had been a mistake. She doesn't know how they are together. They could be a sweet couple. And that's something she really doesn't want to picture.

The only thing she's allowed to hope is that Santana will not forget the firework that exploded inside both of them when they kissed. She knows Santana felt it, too…

Because when they said goodbye that afternoon, standing between their cars and wordlessly getting lost in each other's eyes, Santana had looked at her with such pleading eyes. Brittany had stepped close to the brunette and whispered into her ear.

' _We'll figure it out…'_

It's a week later and she still doesn't know what she was trying to say with those words. Because figuring it out would mean making sacrifices either way… she has no idea what Santana wants.

And that's why they agreed to take some time. Brittany doesn't want Santana to rush into making decisions that the Latina might regret later and there will be three broken hearts and no happy ending.

They saw each other at the cafeteria every day but didn't sit together. What they did was throw stolen glances between all the Sylvester co-workers, hoping they would catch that glimpse of the other.

They sat next to each other during a conference with Shelby, Rachel and a whole other bunch of people she hadn't worked with so far. Santana had been late a couple minutes and of course the only seat left was the one next to Brittany.

Brittany whispered to Santana what she had missed of the conference and the brunette smiled at her thankfully. They somehow managed to stay professional and honestly, Brittany was just glad that they didn't avoid each other. Of course it was weird to sit next to each other at a round table for two long hours and the only thing they talked about was the October issue of the magazine.

But Santana had asked her for an opinion and Brittany's cheeks were getting warm when their eyes locked above the papers lying between them. Also their knees bumped together under the table and Brittany mumbled a 'sorry' but the brunette only gazed at her.

And then yesterday they spoke on the office phone real quick because Brittany needed to confirm an appointment for an interview with a pop singer as she had managed to arrange another get-together. The way Santana whispered _'bye'_ over the phone… as if she wasn't just saying goodbye but also many other things. All those things that Brittany was feeling, too.

Today their paths crossed in the hallway but Santana was with Quinn and so they just said hi and smiled.

That smile… when did she become such a sap? Because that smile made her feel all seventeen again. Boom-boom her heart went and made her chuckle once the two had been out of sight.

And now here she is; lying on her couch, staring at the ceiling thinking of Santana and that she already misses being around her. There is something about her… something really special. Something she has never seen in a person before. Pure and vulnerable. And well… a real good kisser.

She almost falls off the couch when there is a loud knock on the door. Puck…

He had texted her in the morning and asked if she was up for dinner and a movie. She answered that she was too exhausted but that he could come over if he liked and they could watch a movie at her place.

She swings her legs over the edge of the couch and gets up on her feet to open the door and let her friend in.

"Mamacita!" He greets her and lets his fist bump against her limp one.

"H'llo" She mumbles and Puck frowns.

"What's the matter? You look like you've had a shit day or something. But don't worry; Pucky Puck is here now to cheer you up if you know what I mean." He grins and motions to the sixpack beer in his one hand and Chinese take-away in the other.

Brittany smiles tiredly and takes the food out of his hands so he can take off his jacket and come inside.

Once they have made themselves comfortable in front of the TV and both are munching on some Sushi and spring rolls, Puck kicks her shin.

"Ow… what was that for, ass?" She growls before swallowing a big piece of tuna and damp rice.

"You still haven't answered my question. What's wrong?" He replies without pulling his glance away from the TV.

"How do you wanna know something's wrong? I'm good."

"Because I've known you for seven years and know when something is bothering you? Come on… it's me Pucky. You can tell me anything."

"First of all; _Pucky_ is a real turn-off, so stop calling yourself that. And second; I don't wanna talk about it" She mutters and takes another bite.

"So there _is_ something. Why don't you wanna talk about it?"

"Because it's hopeless."

"What?" He turns his head and Brittany can see his wondering glance from the corner of her eyes. It's not like she hasn't thought of telling Puck. If there is one person who understands trouble with the ladies, it's Puck…

But the thing with Santana is so vulnerable and secretive – she doesn't want to jinx it. But then again Puck is a real good friend and he knows how to keep a secret.

"Well considering the fact that you're gonna be here all Friday night and won't stop asking until I give in… I guess I can just save the energy and actually tell you." She mumbles and pokes in her box of noodles.

"I'm listening?"

"Uhm… there is someone. I guess sort of."

She throws a quick glance to her side and already regrets it because Puck's eyes are about to pop out of his head. He actually looks like he just won the lottery or something as crazy as that.

"Get the fuck out!" He shouts and Brittany startles a little. "What are you saying there _is_ someone? Who is she? And why is she not lying in your bed receiving some sweet lady lovin' from you right now?"

"Oh God…" Brittany groans because this is so typically Puck. But also it's making her turn red from head to toe because the imagination of that specific scene he just mentioned, makes the food taste hotter than a minute ago. "It's not… that's not what it is, ok?"

"What? It's not what? You're not making sweet lady love to her?"

"Puck!"

"What?"

"Shut up!"

"Why? I wanna know!"

Brittany sits up on the couch and puts the food box on the coffee table. She hides her face in her hands and shakes her head.

"Brittany – what the heck is going on? Who are you talking about and why are you being embarrassed?"

"I'm not embarrassed" She mumbles between her hands but knows she doesn't sound convinced.

"And then why did you just turn as red as a tomato?"

She sighs and slowly looks up. There's no chance to try changing the subject. Once Puck suspects something, he's not to be tamed.

"Britt who were you talking about? You just said that you should save the energy and tell me so… who the hell is she-"

"Okay okay! God… I guess there might be something going on between me and…" She hesitates and Puck raises his hands. "Me and Santana"

His eyes widen immediately and he actually drops one of his chopsticks.

"You're kidding, right? You're trying to piss me off or something because that's impossible."

"W-why is that impossible?"

"Uhm because she's married?" Bam… she sort of hoped that Puck had forgotten about that little detail. "That's what _you_ told _me_ remember? That night at the pool bar when I was trying to hit on her?"

"Which she found quite hilarious by the way" Brittany states because she can't resist.

"Come on, Britt, I'm serious. You told me I wouldn't stand a chance so what makes you think _you_ do?"

Brittany swallows and stares at her hands.

"Because… we kissed." She hears how Puck growls and she's pretty sure he's shaking his head and thinking: 'Silly silly Brittany… so blind and naïve.'

"You kissed?" He asks and Brittany nods slowly. "And then what? You hooked up? She told you she's bi?"

"What? No! We just kissed… look, I know you probably think I'm just trying to get into her pants-"

"Frankly? Yes"

"But I'm not! I… that hasn't happened in a long while and you know it. I'm over that phase and I'm not trying to play with her." Her voice cracks and she bites her lip because she didn't think she'd get quite so desperate. Puck studies her from the side and shrugs.

"Then what are you trying to reach? Even if you kissed… she's a married woman. What's there to get?"

Brittany closes her eyes because normally she would agree with Puck. If this was about one of those countless girlies in her past, she would agree and forget about her. Hell, she wouldn't even try to get closer to that girl because it'd be a helpless case.

But Santana…

"I'm not trying to reach anything" She mumbles and shrugs weakly. "I know there is like zero chance because she has a husband and… but also I can't help but think there actually _is_ a very tiny chance that… that – that-"

"That what, B?" He asks softly and when she feels a hand on her shoulder, she almost bursts into tears. Where did that come from all of a sudden? The lump in her throat hurts so badly when she parts her lips.

"That she thinks the same about me" Puck seems to ponder about her words for a minute.

"What do you mean? What do you think about _her_ then?"

Brittany chuckles at what she about to say because it makes her feel so childish.

"That she's the most special person I've ever met." Puck's hand squeezes her shoulder and she knows what he's gonna say next.

"You're saying… even more than Diane?" He whispers and Brittany presses her eyelids together. This is exactly what she was always so scared of. This is why she never called back those women who would have potentially been interested in her.

She was scared to find someone who would make her feel something. Because she didn't deserve to develop feelings or fall in love with someone else… it would have been so unfair. She always knew that she would have to move on once Diane wasn't there anymore and she sort of already has. But it still seems so endlessly unfair. Just not fair…

Hot tears are rolling down her cheeks and she shakes her head, trying to apologize but Puck is already pulling her into his arms. She buries her face in his chest and grabs his shirt because she feels like she's losing ground.

"Britt-baby it's ok" He whispers and wraps his arms tightly around her body. He kisses her forehead and she thinks he even wipes off some of her tears but she's too busy sobbing to really know. "Britt don't cry. You don't have to feel guilty about that."

"But… I mean how can I have feelings for someone when Di had to go before we had the chance to fall out of love?" She asks with bitter tears and Puck softly strokes over her back.

"You two weren't left with a choice. There was no possible way that you could have stopped the inevitable and that is why it's ok. It's been two years…" How does Puck come up with the cheapest pick-up lines and tell the dirtiest jokes but always knows how to say such adult and rational things in situations like these?

"You think so?" She breathes and feels his head nodding.

"Yeah… it's a fact, Brittany. And I know Santana is married and I should be mad at you but… I've never seen you having it this bad for someone ever since Diane. And that means it must be something really special."

The tears have stopped running and she's now breathing steadily with her head still resting on Puck's shoulder.

Maybe he's right… it _does_ sound reasonable.

But then again why would she be as lucky and someone like Santana would really be interested in her? As in actually want to see if there is more? That's like… a whole lot of luck you need.

* * *

 _ **Santana's POV… the same day…**_

"I'm sorry I didn't make it home for dinner" Gabe apologizes once he steps out of the shower and wraps a towel around his waist. He steps next to me in front of the sink and our eyes meet in the mirror. I cover my mouth to speak, as I am brushing my teeth.

"It's okay. I didn't cook today."

"Yeah but Friday is date night and I didn't make it…"

I spit out and rinse my mouth before shrugging softly.

"It's not like you _ever_ made it in the past six weeks" I comment and put my toothbrush away while Gabe reaches for his.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asks and grabs the toothpaste.

"It means we haven't gone out in forever and you don't even know it."

He stops his movement of guiding the toothbrush to his mouth and my eyes bore into his in the mirror.

"Of course I know it" He says and there is regret in his voice. "You know how busy work is right now and then there was the trip to Kenya. I'm sorry."

"Is it even something you still want?" I ask and shrug. "Date night? Because if Friday never seems to work out, then why didn't you ever suggest another day? I know you're tired on weekdays but… I mean I'm often tired, too."

Gabe presses his lips together and then puts his toothpaste down next to the sink. He turns to the side and reaches for my wrist so I have to face him, too. His hand wanders up to my shoulder tentatively and he waits until we're making eye contact that lasts longer than a second.

"I have neglected you and I wish my work wouldn't ask so much of me. But this is something I can't change. Santana… I hope we can go on a date soon, again. I'll try to make time, ok?"

I force a smile and nod before turning around. I open a drawer under the sink and reach for the current package of my birth-control pill. I realize that I have forgotten to take one yesterday and sigh inwardly.

"Oops" I mumble and swallow down a pill with a sip of water from the faucet.

"What? Missed another?" Gabe asks with his mouth fool of toothpaste.

"Yeah… I already forgot one last week." I put the pills back into the drawer and stand on my toes to peck Gabe on the cheek. "I'm going to bed."

He nods and rinses his mouth with water.

"Okay. Will be there in a bit, just need to floss."

I nod and then turn around to leave the bathroom.

* * *

I'm cold in my underwear and t-shirt and I quickly slip under the covers and turn off the light on my side of the bed.

I'm trembling a little and pull the blanket up to my nose to warm up. I love it when I put on a freshly laundered duvet because I always feel so light and comfortable.

It doesn't take long until I drift off with that scent in my nose and I don't hear how Gabe comes back from the bathroom but feel the mattress sink when he lies down. I snuggle into the pillow and I'm ready to fall asleep when a hand reaches under my shirt and strokes my belly.

It's a shock to my system because it's been weeks that Gabe has touched me like this. I don't know why. I stiffen at the contact as it comes out of nowhere. Only when he scoots closer and spoons me from behind, I relax after a minute of just lying there.

He starts kissing my neck and I cover his hand on my stomach because that's what you do when you're about to sleep with each other. You touch.

"I've missed you" He whispers and his hand slowly wanders up until it's cupping my left breast and he starts kneading it right away. Something inside me goes off like a siren and everything in my head is turning like I'm on a carrousel.

Oh God no… this is not possible. My whole body cramps and it feels like I have turned into a wooden board or something.

He turns me onto my back and starts kissing my cheeks when I feel cold sweat forming on my forehead. How can this be? Why do I want him to stop touching me? Ten minutes ago I was complaining about the lack of date nights and now that he's trying make us become closer again, I stiffen like a Barbie doll.

He pushes up my shirt until my bare chest is revealed and I shiver because it's still so cold.

"Gabe…" I whisper and swallow the lump when his hand wanders down from my chest to the waistband of my underwear. "Gabe I'm tired"

Through the material of his boxer shorts I can feel his erection against my thigh and when his hand dips into my underwear, I grip his wrist so hard to stop him.

"Why sweetheart?" He breathes and his palm rests somewhere between fabric and skin. "We haven't done it since before I went to Kenya… are you really tired?"

I'm panting but not because I'm turned on and my fingers are still clutching his wrist when I try to breathe normally.

"I know but… you saw I forgot to take the pill yesterday. We can't have sex now." It's simple. It's logic. But not the reason. I'm pretty sure Gabe still has a pack of condoms in the drawer of his bedside table since before I started going on birth control.

"Maybe we still could" He whispers after a while and I knit my eyebrows together because I don't get it. "I mean… why not?"

"Didn't you hear what I just said? I forgot to take the pill. You're the doctor, you know that means it can get you pregnant, right?"

"Exactly"

I'm pretty sure all the color has left my face and I'm glad no one can see in the dark. My heart is pounding in my chest and my throat feels as dry as styrofoam. It's silent in our bedroom and it almost suffocates me.

"Honey?" His voice penetrates the silence and I'm not sure if I have just passed out or something.

"Gabe…"

"Why not, Santana?" He pulls his hand out of my underwear and I quickly grab the hem of my shirt to cover my exposed body. He scoots back and I close my eyes for a minute. I can't believe we're gonna talk about this.

Actually it was only a matter of time when this would come up. But I'm not even close to ready for that.

"Seriously… maybe we could actually think about starting a family." I turn my head and when I can't see his face, I have to sit up and turn on the lights.

We both narrow our eyes and I let my hands run through my hair.

"Start a family?" I ask and slowly shake my head. "Gabe this comes out of nowhere."

He props himself on his elbow and tilts his head.

"Does it? Soon we'll be married for two years. Wouldn't the next step be starting a family?"

"Uhm… maybe but – no I mean… I'm twenty-three and an intern. Don't you think this is a little early?" I stare at him. He shrugs and parts his lips after a short while.

"But _**I'm**_ not twenty-three anymore. Actually I've been thinking about this a lot in the past couple weeks."

"You're serious?" I gasp and Gabe nods.

"Why not? I'm at a point of my life where I _have_ to think about this and decide what I still want to reach in life. I don't wanna become a father at the age of fifty-fife and not make it to my kid's college graduation."

I stare at him and I'm pretty sure horror is written over my face.

"And I don't wanna become a mother at the age of twenty-four and give up my career so early, only to realize that I'm suffering from serious depression once I'm of fifty-fife!"

Gabe bites his lip and even though I win our staring contest, this feels like I am losing way bigger.

Tonight will not end like the nights used to end until yesterday. I already know this much.

I try to calm down my nerves because Gabe looks like a world is falling apart.

"We've only talked about having kids once or twice before we got married. It's your right to want a family but it's my right to not be ready for that right now."

Gabe looks back and forth between my eyes and his hand and shrugs softly.

"Will you ever be ready?"

"Gabe…"

"I'm serious. Will you ever want kids with me, Santana?" I swallow because I don't know what to say. This seems like an impossible question to answer right now when it's actually so simple. Every wife should know if she wants to have children with her husband, right? It's something so natural – why am I having such a hard time?

"I… I don't know." I stammer and the lump in my throat swells again. Gabe sits up on the mattress and scratches his forehead.

"And you didn't think it would have been fair to tell me that before we got married?" He asks.

"When you and I got married, I was very happy and I could picture starting a family with you – one day" I admit but my voice is weak.

Gabe looks up and his forehead is in deep frowns.

"You were happy?" He asks confusedly and I am confused, too.

"What?"

"You just said that you _were_ happy… are you not anymore?"

This is the moment where the night could not possibly turn any worse. I have asked myself this question over and over again. Secretly. Hoping that Gabe would never wonder. I'm scared to death about answering that question but this is where I have to be honest.

"Gabe… can you look me in the eye and say that _you_ have been completely happy? In the past weeks? Months even?"

"Tana I…"

"Because I think we both have been so busy with work and life next to our relationship, that we didn't even realize how much our marriage has turned into this state of something between lovers and friends. I don't even remember the last time we did things like cuddling in front of the TV. We come home and leave for work at different times of the day. And now we realize that we have complete different ideas of what's to come in the near future. No… I'm not happy anymore."

Gabe nods slowly and the bitterness is written all over his face.

"I can't believe that one month ago, I was in a working marriage and now we're suddenly talking about a future not working out? I mean… those things can't just happen overnight, Santana! Do you really want to throw it all away?"

We stare at each other for some mute seconds and I keep shaking my head.

"Gabe, one month ago our marriage worked perfectly fine because we never talked about those things. It doesn't mean that these problems weren't there – we just didn't realize they were about to come to the surface. How can you think I want to _throw it all away_? That's not even possible. You can't _'throw away'_ a marriage."

I scoot a bit closer on the mattress so we can look into each other's eyes.

"But it doesn't change the fact that we don't want the same things to happen." I whisper and Gabe studies me for a couple seconds.

"So we're _actually_ thinking about splitting up? Like… seriously?" He asks puzzled.

"I… I'm just as overwhelmed as you right now. I don't know what to say to you."

"But you _can_ say if you want to work things out or if you don't want to work on them, Santana."

I sigh frustrated because this is going nowhere but down.

"I don't think this is something we can work on. I won't change my mind about starting a family in the next two or three years. We should have talked about this way sooner and I'm sorry we didn't!"

Gabe gets up from the bed and makes a couple steps. Then he turns to look at me and puts his hands on his hips.

"Great… this is really great, Santana! Now what? What am I supposed to tell my parents? What are _your_ parents gonna say?"

"I don't have the nerve to think about my parents right now. So please… I don't know what's gonna happen next." I mumble frustrated. I watch how Gabe shakes his head and then grabs a pair of blue jeans. He puts them on hastily and ten seconds later he's fully dressed and leans over the mattress to grab his phone from the bedside table.

"Where are you going?" I ask eventually and my eyes follow him until he's standing at the door.

"I'm staying at Roger's tonight. Because I really don't think we're gonna kiss and make up, are we?" His voice is so much weaker than before and I swallow.

"No" I shake my head and with one last glance, Gabe is out the door. I press my palms to my face and try to get a clear thought.

My heart hammers in my chest. My mind is blank.

Just… blank.

* * *

 _ **Brittany…an hour later…**_

Puck has left ten minutes ago and she's cleaning up the living room because somehow he always leaves the biggest mess.

She puts her beer into the fridge as she only had a couple sips and when she reaches out to turn off the light in the living room, there is a soft knock on the door.

Her glance scans the couch because what is it that Puck forgot? There's nothing, she has cleaned everything up.

Is he too drunk to call a cab? He only had two beers… With a big frown she scuffs across the living room and opens the door, ready to give him a fake-annoyed glance.

But when she sees that there is no big guy with a Mohawk standing out there but a slim, dark haired beauty – she's speechless and the only thing that leaves her lips is a breath.

"Santana" She says eventually and wants to look up and down the brunette's body to make sure she's really standing there in front of her door at one o'clock in the morning. But her eyes don't make it past Santana's chin as it's trembling and when she inspects her face, she can see that the Latina is completely broken.

"Santana" She repeats bit louder and forces the woman to look up into her eyes. "What happened?"

Santana shrugs. That's all she does.

Brittany knows that you don't need to be a genius to know that the brunette will burst into tears if she opens her mouth in order to answer something. And after her crying fit at Puck's shoulder she has seen enough tears for the day.

And so she steps outside and in front of Santana. She cups her face with both her hands, waits until the Latina closes her eyes and then presses their lips together for one single kiss.

Just for a warm second. And just to show her… that no matter why Santana is here – she doesn't want her to leave.

* * *

 **Chapter 12 *Weights***

She can't believe she's lying in bed and holding Santana in her arms.

But the body right in front of her is shaking with sobs and Brittany knows she's not dreaming it. Her arm is wrapped around a slender waist and her hand gets pressed into a heaving chest. Their fingers are intertwined in front of Santana's body and with a kiss to her shoulder, Brittany silently promises to protect her all night.

When the Latina had knocked on her door twenty minutes ago, Brittany had a feeling that something must have happened with Gabe. And she was right. With a weak voice Santana tried to explain that they had a fight and that everything was different now.

Brittany didn't know exactly what it meant but she asked if Santana wanted to stay the night or if she needed a ride or anything.

' _I don't want to bother you. I'm sure you have somewhere to be'_ The Latina had said sadly and made Brittany chuckle.

' _No… I cancelled all the appointments for the night'_ She answered softly and that's everything they needed to know. She guided Santana into the bedroom because the couch was definitely not an option anymore and gave her something comfortable to wear.

They stood back to back when they got changed and then Brittany turned off the lights. There was only a shimmer of blue light from the LCD screen of her stereo, so they found the way into Brittany's bed.

As soon as Santana had pulled the covers up to her shoulders, she burst into tears and tried to muffle those heartbreaking sobs but Brittany told her to not hold back and so she cried. It got worse when Brittany moved over and wrapped her arm around Santana's body without asking.

But it only took five seconds and then the Latina grabbed her hand, desperately holding on to it and pressing it to her aching chest.

And that's where they are now. Santana's back is connected to Brittany's front from shoulder to knee and they could as well be one.

With a soft kiss to the shoulder right in front of her, Brittany tries to convey comfort because the thick tears on Santana's cheeks are making her insides feel heavy, too.

Her lips stay connected to the tanned skin and she feels Santana's body relax. The sobs soften into breaths and the desperate grip around her fingers turns into a warm grasp.

"He started talking about wanting kids" Santana whispers after a long while and Brittany opens her eyes. Although she can't see Santana's face, she doesn't want to miss anything. "He suggested we start a family – out of nowhere and when I didn't know what to say, he asked if I'd ever want children with him."

Brittany squeezes Santana's hand to encourage her. This is obviously a sensitive topic and she wants Santana to keep talking if she feels like it.

"I didn't even have to think long…" She mumbles guiltily and shakes her head. "I _don't_ want it. I don't know who I was trying to fool when I told myself that maybe we'd have kids one day and become this adorable picture book family. The big house, the money, the proud grandparents… a dog and two or three toddlers."

She hisses and Brittany decides to just listen.

"That's what everyone around us was expecting and I just kept thinking to myself: _'Yeah, yeah… one day…'_ But secretly I was hoping that Gabe would just forget and we'd never have to talk about it. Which makes me sound like some sort of psycho or something" She states bitterly and Brittany instinctively shakes her head and pulls her even closer.

"I made a complete fool out of myself" Santana whispers "a fool of both of us."

"But you did what you had to do, right?" Brittany dares to speak up. "You would have made a fool of yourself if you had kept going like this. Only to wake up one day and realize you're living a life you don't want."

Santana seems to be thinking about those words and her shoulder shrugs softly

"Probably… but I still feel like a monster. I don't know why I keep hurting people" She admits and Brittany wonders.

"What do you mean? Who else did you hurt?" Santana sighs and mumbles an unintelligible response. "What was that?"

"I said _'you'_ …"

Brittany knits her eyebrows together and peeks over Santana's shoulder.

"How did you hurt me?" She asks.

"By hitting you with my car? See… You don't even remember. I must have damaged your brain forever." She mumbles crestfallen and Brittany has to press her lips together to suppress a laugh.

"Santana… why do you keep coming up with the accident? I'm fine, right? In case you don't know – I have forgiven you."

"Well… you sure held a grudge against me for quite a while there."

Brittany chuckles and rolls her eyes.

"Hey" She whispers and waits until Santana turns her head to listen.

"What?"

"I'm sorry I was a bitch to you…" She lifts her head so she can press her lips to Santana's cheek. And it makes her heart flutter because her cheek is so soft. So far she has only paid attention to those glorious lips but her cheeks are just as sweet.

"Well then… I'm glad we talked about that" Santana says softly and Brittany believes to hear a smile in her voice. They stay like this for long minutes and Brittany just holds her tight and breathes in the scent of her hair and her skin, finding it the most natural scent she's ever smelled.

After a while Brittany isn't sure if the woman lying in her arms is still awake.

"Santana?" She whispers and hears a low 'hm?' a couple seconds later, letting her know that the Latina is falling asleep. "I don't know what your plans are but you don't have to leave in the morning if you don't want to. Whatever you wanna do… I'm sure Superman wouldn't mind if you stayed another night until you know what comes next."

She feels a thankful squeeze around her fingers and then her eyelids become heavy.

* * *

 _ **The next morning… Santana's POV…**_

I wake up to the scent of coffee and my stomach grumbles when I turn onto my back. All I had for dinner last night was some lousy crackers and a glass of orange juice. Gabe had called to say he wouldn't make it for dinner so I didn't bother cooking something.

The memories of last night wash over me and if I wanted to, I could cry again easily.

Gabe said that things _can't just change like that over night_. But they did… I have no idea what's going to happen with my life now. Are we gonna get a divorce? Should we try again?

No…

Because no matter how shattered my personal earth feels right now – this was the right thing to do. I could have prevented the events of last night if I had really _wanted_ to. I could have said 'yes' when Gabe asked me if I'll ever be ready to start a family. I could have said yes and reassure him that between us everything was still going smooth. Could have kissed him and pretend to be happy.

I could have pretended to not be thinking about someone else when falling asleep in the same bed with him.

But what would that have given us? Another night of believing that things were actually okay. Not marvelous. But okay. Is that the goal of marriage?

Everything is falling apart… and I'm not going to stop it. Because in the past couple weeks, one question has been haunting me everywhere.

Am I happy?

I didn't tell anybody about those thoughts. I tried to avoid Quinn's questions whenever she asked if everything was alright between me and Gabe. But I thought about it again and again, collecting all those tiny puzzle pieces and realizing that I'm not happy.

Truth is… there was a moment in the past couple weeks where I felt happiness floating my body. But it had nothing to do with Gabe.

I was sitting on a bench and watching birds. That was the first time in months where I had felt as light as a feather and also safe. In the arms of a woman I had met not even two months ago.

My world gets turned upside down and there is nothing I can do but let it happen. And I know it's selfish but otherwise I'll never get the chance to become happy.

When I hear a noise from outside the bedroom, I sit up in bed. The sunlight is now floating the room and a tired smile crawls over my lips when I see that I slept on a Superman pillow. There is the noise again that must come from the kitchen and the scent of coffee makes me climb out of bed. Brittany must have gotten up a while ago.

I don't bother changing back into my clothes because my limbs are too weak to move that much. The door is left ajar and when I step out into the living room, I find Brittany standing on a chair in the kitchen. She's obviously trying to reach something in the top cupboard and growls frustrated.

She's barefoot and also still in her sleeping clothes which are shorts and a tank top. Her hair is in a messy bun and I wonder what she's looking for.

"Hi" I speak softly not to startle her. She stops her movement and turns her head.

"Hey…" She says with a smile and then points to the cupboard. "I could swear I had a box of cereals left but can't seem to find it. Puck ate pretty much everything when he came over last night. You'd think he's full after a nice Chinese take-out but two hours later he started ransacking my fridge and well… ate pretty much everything except for some leek and cucumber. But I don't think that's what you want for breakfast."

She hops down from the chair and points to two cups on her small kitchen table.

"Want some coffee?"

I nod and sit down on a chair. She opens the fridge and hands me a bottle of milk. Then she grabs the coffeepot and pours some in both mugs. "It's probably a stupid question but how… h-how are you?"

She puts the pot down on the table and looks at me when she's still standing next to the table.

"Honestly it's hard to put into words at the moment" I admit and Brittany nods understanding. She sits down in front of me and takes one of the mugs.

"I can only imagine."

It's weird… I'm supposed to be devastated. And a part of me is. But the way Brittany looks at me and I get a little lost in her crystal blue eyes… it's hard not to feel a tiny bit lighter at heart.

"So, I have nothing left for breakfast but I'm starving. There's a supermarket right around the corner. Wanna do crazy-hungry-groceries?" She laughs when I probably look quite puzzled.

"What's crazy-hungry-groceries?" I ask with a smirk.

"You've never done crazy-hungry-groceries? That's when you do the groceries because there is nothing left in the fridge. And when there's nothing left, you're probably crazy hungry right? So when you walk through a supermarket with your stomach grumbling, you buy all the crap that you usually wouldn't buy because you feel like you could eat a whole cow. And when you get home there isn't enough space in the fridge… Puck and I do it all the time."

A laugh escapes my lips and I take a sip of coffee.

"But if you're too tired then I'll quickly go alone and you can stay here. You just have to tell me how you like it in bed." I almost choke on my coffee and her eyes widen in shock. I think she turns pale and red at the same time when she is definitely mentally replaying the sentence she just said.

"Uhm…"

"Oh crap, that's not what I wanted to say. That totally came out wrong. God I'm so ridiculous! What I meant to say was _'you can stay in bed and tell me what you like for breakfast'_. I'm sorry…" she stutters and I can tell she's so embarrassed.

I on the other hand want to burst into laughter. But the heat crawling over my cheeks keeps me from doing so and I wonder why _I'm_ turning red.

"Uh well" I try to form a sentence and point to her empty fridge. "Yeah! Let's do crazy-horn- _err_ hungry shopping. Sounds like fun and I guess I could use some attraction."

She blinks at me several times in slight confusion.

"You mean distraction?" She asks.

"Yeah, what did I say?"

Brittany scratches her forehead and the corner of her mouth twitches.

"Never mind. Shall we say in ten minutes? You can go get changed and use the bathroom first if you want. And then we can go to the supermarket."

I nod slowly because I'm not really listening – did I just say 'attraction'?

"Ok then… I'll quickly go check my email in the meantime." She gets up from the chair and we smile at each other before she takes the cup of coffee and walks out of the kitchen.

I close my eyes and cup my cheeks with my palms. Wow… we sure know how to make each other flush like hotplates.

* * *

I study the different kinds of flour and can't decide which one to choose. Brittany just went somewhere else to get eggs and milk as we spontaneously decided to make omelets.

I try not to think too hard about the fact that Brittany and I are doing groceries together, the morning after Gabe and I came to terms that our marriage doesn't have a future.

This is crazy… but I can't think of anything that would feel better right now than doing something so normal. Groceries – not alone.

I don't think I ever went to buy food with someone else. Maybe when I was a kid and I joined my mom. But nobody has ever joined me now that I'm an adult. Gabe would never do that… just because there is no time for such things.

I grab two different packs of flour and compare them. Maybe Brittany's allergic to something?

"Did you find it?" Her voice sounds from behind me. Her breath tickles my ear when she looks over my shoulder and I hold up the two different kinds of flour.

"Yeah. Which one do you usually take?" I ask and turn my head to the side. I observe how her eyes switch back and forth between the two options and I realize that I'm sort of being sandwiched between her and our shopping cart.

"That one" She says softly and reaches for the one in my right hand but her fingers land on mine. Our eyes meet and when we're both still holding on to the flour, a smile forms on both our lips.

"Thank you for taking me in last night" I say and really mean it. She could have said that it's not a good idea or that I should sleep on the couch. But she didn't even hesitate…

Instead she kissed me. It wasn't like the other kisses we've shared before. It was just a simple gesture that made me think it was ok to stay with her. And then she held me in her arms and let me cry and talk. She held me until I fell asleep. Why is she so good to me? Technically she should think of me as a horrible person because of what I did behind my husband's back.

"You're welcome" She says and I melt when her nose gives my cheek a soft nudge. Seriously, what was that? But before I can fully understand how much that gesture just affected me, she has already grabbed the pack of flour out of my hand and lets it sink into the shopping cart.

"What else do we need? You like maple syrup?" She asks and points to a shelf across the aisle. Still bit baffled about that soft side of hers, I watch her making her way to the maple syrup. I have to clear my throat because it feels really dry and when I regain my composure, I push the cart in front of me and follow her to get whatever ingredient she thinks we'll need.

* * *

It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon when I can't push it out of my way any longer. I was trying to ignore the fact that I'll have to head back home sooner or later but there's no way around it.

Gabe probably wonders where I am. Maybe he's not home, either. But I know I have to go home and that we'll need to talk. What's gonna happen next? Is it already over for good between us? Will I have to move out? It's his apartment after all… well, it's ours. But he's the one who pays so it would only be fair if I left. But where am I gonna go? Or should we both stay there for now until we know for sure how things are going to be?

How am I supposed to know these things? I have never been in a situation like this. I don't know what it's like to separate. Are we gonna be fine? Because I can't say that there is nothing left between us. Is it possible that you love each other but you don't want to grow old together? Because that's exactly how I feel… He's my husband and my feelings were always honest. But Gabe is not… he's not the one. And that means I can't truly be the one for him, either.

"Brittany?" I speak up when I shake away my thoughts. We've been sitting on her tiny balcony and both working on something. She gave me one of her laptops – she's has like four - so I could check my mails. Of course there have been the usual messages from Shelby, telling me what she plans to do on Monday and where she needs my help. So I decided to write down some notes and keep my mind off the fact that I'll need to return to my apartment.

Brittany looks up from the laptop on her knees and she narrows her eyes when the sun hits her face.

"Yeah?"

"I uh… I have to go home. I didn't tell Gabe where I went last night and we still need to clear what's gonna happen next. I don't even know if that's possible. But I have to go back and take care of things."

Brittany nods and gives me the smile that I so desperately hoped to see. I don't want her to think I only used her for some consoling last night. I could have showed up at Quinn's if that was what I had wanted. I wanted to see Brittany. And frankly I'd rather stay here with her if I could choose.

But I need to 'man up' if I want to make at least one thing right and not just disappear without another word. That's not what I want.

"If… if you need a place to go then you can come back. No pressure or anything. I would sleep on the couch and you could have my bed but… you can come back" Brittany says with a soft shrug when we say goodbye at her door twenty minutes later and I don't know how to thank her.

What I do is reach out and tug at the hem of her sweatshirt. Actually I want to hug her. Or kiss her like she kissed me last night. A thank-you kiss.

But this doesn't feel quite right. I want to kiss her but even more than that I want it to be fair. To everyone.

"Thank you. You deserve a puppy or something…" I mumble lost in thoughts when I still fumble on the hem of her shirt and her soft chuckle snaps me back.

I manage to give her a smile and with my eyes I try to tell her all the things I can't say right now. Y _ou have no idea how much I want to be near you. Like all the time…_

I can only hope she somehow decodes the unspoken words and that she knows.

And then she opens the door and lets me go.

* * *

Gabe is sitting on the couch when I step into our apartment and I'm a little surprised. I know it's his day off but I imagined that he still went to the practice.

"Hi" I whisper and Gabe turns off the TV. He looks up and after a while where we just look at each other wordlessly, he smiles softly.

"Are you ok?" He asks and I can see him swallowing thickly. I shrug because I'm not really ok… Instead of answering, I walk over and sit down in the chair next to the couch.

"What's gonna happen now?" I ask weakly because now that he's sitting in front of me, I feel very small and lost. He takes a deep breath and lets his hand run through his hair. Then he looks at me.

"Santana you were right…" He begins and I hold my breath. "Everything seemed to be working great because we never took a closer look at what was really going on. At first I didn't want to believe it when you mentioned it last night. You said that these problems have been there long before and they just never came to the surface. I thought you were making that up but then I realized… it's true."

It's hard to breathe and at the same time a knot inside my chest starts to loosen.

"I was always so busy with work and let's be honest – I always will be. And I don't know why I never considered that my plans for the future could be different from yours. I just assumed… I assumed it would be clear. You know the revelations of last night were like a punch to the face because they literally came out of nowhere. But that's because we didn't pay enough attention to each other in the past couple months. We could have seen it coming and that's what makes me feel like we really failed."

I close my eyes for a second and nod. We did fail… To say we learn from mistakes, would sound really cheap so I just think it to myself. I don't think our marriage was a mistake. Because at that time it felt like the thing I wanted. I just didn't know it wouldn't last. If you think about it… it's really simple. Painful to realize but simple.

"I never meant for us to hurt each other" I say after a while. "I didn't know this would happen when we got married. All the times I said that I love you – I meant it. I need you to know that I meant it."

"Santana…" He stops me softly and gives me a pleading look. "I know that… and I still love you. But let's not say those bittersweet things. We need to do this right."

I bite my lip and nod. I lean back in my chair and a heavy sigh leaves my lungs. We sit like that for a long time, some words get exchanged, a bitter smile then and there.

* * *

"We'll have to tell our parents soon. But I don't think we have to deal with it today or tomorrow." I say when I stand next to the door with a heavy bag hanging on my right shoulder.

"I know" Gabe says from where he's sitting at the dining table.

Those are the last words we say to each other before I leave our apartment. There will be reasons to come back… but I close the door behind me, knowing that I won't come back to _live_ here ever again.

It's the weirdest and a very painful feeling. But it pushes me to make one step after the other, further away from him and into an unknown life.

* * *

I did think about calling Quinn. I even thought about calling Mercedes, my college best friend. She lives in San Francisco now and I haven't seen her since graduation, we only talked on the phone. I can't just go up there and tell her I need a place to stay. It would take too long to get there anyway.

I think Quinn would give me shelter but then again I haven't warned her and I don't want to tell the whole story all over again. My parents are pretty much the last people on earth I would want to be around right now. My brother Ricky and his wife would definitely take me in but that would mean just the same; explanations. I don't have the energy.

I only consider all these options because I need to clear my conscience as I've known all along that I want to go back to where I woke up this morning.

And that's also why I've been standing in front of Brittany's apartment for the past five minutes. Once I manage to knock on her door, I wait impatiently. Please let her be here. She must be home. She _must_ …

When the door opens and Brittany greets me with the most beautiful smile I've ever seen, my heart finally shows a sign of life and jumps against my ribs.

"You're here." She whispers and I nod.

"I am"

Just like the night before, she steps over the door sill and in front of me. She reaches for the bag on my shoulder and takes it on hers, causing an incredible weight being lifted off me.

* * *

For the second time today we eat something we've cooked together. Well… it's just lasagna we had to put into the oven. But it tastes like the best lasagna I've ever had.

We are seated on her couch with the plates on our knees and our eyes directed to the TV. I've never watched American Idol before and I didn't think I'd like it this much. You just listen and don't have to concentrate too much; just what I need right now.

"Ooh she totally screwed up that high note." Brittany comments and I nod with my mouth full.

"But she's still gonna make it to the next round. The audience loves her."

"Mhm… do you want some more lasagna? There's some left in the kitchen" She asks when I put my empty plate on the small table.

"I'm good. It was delicious." She grins and places her plate next to mine.

"How about ice cream? Puck totally didn't find that one last night."

"I'm full! But maybe bit later." I exhale and lean back on the couch. Brittany does the same and when her hand brushes against mine, we both turn our heads to the side.

We smile tiredly and I don't know how I deserve to be here. I deserve to live in a cheap hotel and take care of myself. But here she is… giving me a reason to smile.

When she let me in two hours ago, she didn't ask many questions. I still told her that Gabe and I will need to figure out how to be in each other's lives and how to tell our parents but that we agreed to split up…

I don't know what she was thinking when I told her while we were sitting at her kitchen table. She just listened to me with her head supporting in her hand.

And then we talked about other things. About this pop singer that she could arrange another interview with, about Shelby, about the Sylvester magazine, about people, about TV shows… and then we made lasagna and sat in front of the TV.

"If you wanna go to bed or have a shower just let me know, yeah? I'll make myself comfortable on the couch and give you some space. Whatever you need." She says softly.

I frown and can't hide a smirk.

"Make yourself comfortable? On that couch? That's not possible. I mean… your bed is big enough for two."

"But wouldn't you feel uncomfortable?"

"Why do you mean?" I ask suddenly timid and glance at her from the side.

"Because… I don't know" She bites on her top lip and then we both steer our glances back to the TV.

I try to focus on the current singer on stage but it's kinda hard. My thoughts are spinning.

"Are you ok?" Brittany asks after a while and the back of her hand brushes against mine again.

"Yeah… uhm… actually I don't know." I admit and look at her. "I'm just having a hard time grasping what everything means, you know? I'm feeling a little… loose."

Brittany's eyebrows knit together and she turns the TV's volume a little lower.

"Loose? Like how?"

"Like… Like I'm disconnected or something. I don't know how to describe. But sort of _uprooted_ after everything that has happened in such a short amount of time."

She takes her time to reply and when her lips part, she carefully wraps her pinky around mine.

"Uprooted?" She asks with the same voice just she asked 'loose?'

I nod because I don't know how to describe it better.

"I guess it doesn't make sense. But it feels like I'm floating and I just wanna feel like something keeps me down. I'm sorry, this sounds weird." I apologize and my glance drops to our connected pinkies. I don't think I've ever held someone like that.

"Hm" Brittany mumbles and squeezes my finger in hers. "Would it help if I – if I held you for a while?"

Our eyes lock and I my mouth opens but nothing comes out. We just stare at each other for long seconds and then I swallow before nodding my head.

She shuffles and grabs a pillow that fell to the floor. She leans over me and positions it behind me on the couch.

"Lie down" She whispers and my heart makes the weirdest jumps at those words. I obey nevertheless and let go of her pinky in order to sink back into the cushion until I'm lying on my back.

Brittany gets up on her knees and pats my legs to show me I should position them in front of her. I have no idea what she's up to because she said she would hold me.

Once my body is fully spread across the length of the couch, Brittany parts my legs and scoots between them. My heart starts racing and I watch how she hovers over me, slowly sinking down until her body settles on top of mine. Her weight presses into me and I let out a shaky breath because I wasn't expecting that.

She props herself on her elbows above my shoulders and some blonde strays fall on my neck. I bend my knees on both sides of her waist to make some space and it takes my breath away when her pelvis presses into mine like that. The light of the TV flickers in her eyes when I look up and I get lost in them so deep. My hands have automatically placed themselves on the small of her back and I have to resist the urge to pull her even closer to me. I'm overwhelmed by her body so close to mine and I have to close my eyes.

"Is this ok?" She whispers with a huskier voice than before and I feel her breath hitting my cheek. I nod and open my eyes again. "You still feel like you're floating?"

"No" I breathe and hum when Brittany's thumb strokes over my cheek.

"Good" She smiles.

"Is this what you call 'holding someone'?" I mutter and my eyes wander over her face. She chuckles and causes sweet vibrations between our bodies.

"Yeah well… you said you felt like you're floating. I wanted to make sure you don't float away" I smile up at her and then she rests her chin against her palm.

The TV plays some silly commercials and I have long forgotten what we were watching anyways. It's because those blue eyes roam from my forehead to my chin and then lock with mine so naturally.

"You have really nice skin" Brittany whispers when her thumb strokes the skin under my eye. I exhale a soft laugh because that's a funny thing to say. Funny and also sweet.

"Thanks"

"Do you use a special crème?"

"Uhm… just some lotion. Aloe Vera"

Brittany nods and I close my eyes when her face comes closer to mine. Her nose brushes against my cheek and when her lips ghost over my jaw, a low moan leaves my lips. I really couldn't hold it back and I'm embarrassed. She didn't even kiss me.

Her motion stops and she pulls back. When I open my eyes and look at her, I'm pretty sure to detect a pink shade on her cheeks.

Brittany clears her throat and throws a glance at the TV. I follow her eyes and we just get to see the very end of the show we were watching. Oh right… Idol.

"It's uh… it's getting really late. Do you wanna head to bed?" She asks and I lack words. Did I do something wrong? Maybe my breath smells like lasagna and she got sick?

"Okay" I mumble and Brittany quickly climbs off me. I sit up and let my hands run through my hair. God why is it so hot in here?

"I'll uhm… I'll jump under the shower real quick and… really need to wash my hair. But you can just go to bed or have some ice cream or… I want you to feel comfortable, so I'll sleep on the couch." She states. She gets up and I frown when she cups her cheeks with her hands.

"Do you need anything else? Clothes? No, you brought your own, right? Well if there's anything else, let me know or just take it, ok? Ok…"

She smiles at me with a shaky breath and then she crosses the living room to disappear behind the bathroom door a couple seconds later.

I narrow my eyes because now I'm totally confused. I already told her that we both could sleep in her bed but it sounds like _she_ actually wouldn't feel comfortable. And the way she just jumped off me like she got stung by a bee?

It had felt really nice to me…

* * *

I don't know for how long I've been tossing and turning in bed. I'm either too hot and push the covers off me or I'm too cold and I tremble under the blanked until I'm too hot again.

Why did Brittany want to sleep on the couch so badly? It had been her idea to lie on top of me after all. Was she turned on or something?

Oh…

The color on her cheeks _was_ quite red. Well… it's not like it left me completely cold, either. Maybe we should talk in the morning? I should apologize. But that would make it even weirder.

If she doesn't say anything, then I'll keep my mouth shut, too.

Sleep... release me, please.


	4. Part IV

**Chapter 13 *Fusions***

 **Santana's POV…**

It's been the most carefree Sunday I can think of. I'm licking on a strawberry popsicle and breathing in the fresh air once we step out of the movie theater.

When I woke up in the morning and got out of Brittany's bedroom, I found a note on the kitchen table, saying she had gone for a jog and that she'd be back very soon. There were bagels and coffee ready and I smiled when I poured a cup.

After she had come back and showered, we worked a little on the laptops just like we had done the day before. Then she asked if I was up to go to the movies and I couldn't think of an idea that sounded better to do on a Sunday afternoon.

On our way to the theater she apologized for storming off last night. She admitted that things were getting a little heated on the couch and that she needed a shower to cool off.

I was glad we weren't looking directly at each other when she said that. That way she didn't see how red I was turning.

Once we were there, it didn't take us long to decide which movie to watch and during one scene I laughed so hard that it made me forget about all the sorrows currently clouding my life.

"This was such a good idea." I mumble and the back of my hand brushes against hers. I look at her from the side and she grins satisfied.

"Yeah the movie was really nice" She states with a chuckle and reaches for the car key in her purse. "Do you want to go anywhere else? Grab something to eat? Go dancing?"

I shake my head and nudge her shoulder playfully.

"You've been way too kind to me already. But thank you. I just want to head back if that's ok? I'm pretty tired…"

"Of course" Brittany smiles and our ways separate when we both head to different sides of the car.

* * *

"Tonight _you're_ sleeping in the bed and I'll take the couch." I say determinedly when Brittany hands me a cup of tea.

As soon as we got to her place, we changed into more comfortable clothes and then met in the kitchen for some tea. It's only eight pm and I don't know what we're going to do with the rest of the night. Suddenly I don't feel so tired anymore.

"Forget it…" She purrs with a smirk and leaves the kitchen. I follow and sit down next to her on the couch which will be _my_ sleeping place tonight.

She grabs the remote and turns on the TV but neither of us bothers to check what's on. We both pull our knees up to our middles and face each other, slurping from the steaming cups in our hands and throwing quick glances.

Suddenly I realize that tomorrow our little bubble of joy will pop by heading back to work. I will have to find a place to stay for longer – I can't stay with Brittany… this is a small apartment and I don't want to step into her privacy this much.

We've been together for the past 48 hours more or less, I'm sure she's longing for some space to breathe.

"I didn't mean to ruin your weekend." I speak up from behind my cup and Brittany frowns.

"Ruin it?" She asks puzzled and slowly shakes her head.

"Yeah… I don't even know if you had plans. I just try my luck at your door on a Friday night and hope you're still awake to take me in. And when I come back for the second time, I still don't ask if you have other stuff to do than hold my hand and-"

"Santana" Brittany interrupts me. "I told you, you could come back, remember? That means I didn't have any plans."

"But all you did was taking care of me!" I exclaim, suddenly realizing how self-centered I had been all weekend long.

"I wanted to." She speaks louder and gives me a pointed look. I chuckle bitterly and stare at my cup.

"Why would you even want to take care of me? I'm a mess…" A lump forms in my throat and I press my lips together to not start crying. I was in such a good mood an hour ago and now things threaten to fall back to the state of desperation.

Brittany studies me closely for a minute and then she reaches for the cup in my hands. She puts both our teas on the small table next to the couch and sits closer to me.

"You didn't ruin my weekend." She says calmly and the next words come out whispering. "You saved it…"

And there goes my tear drop…

How can she say something as sweet as this? How could I have possibly saved her weekend?

"Brittany… how could I have possibly saved your weekend?" I speak and shrug my shoulders honestly wondering.

"Because…" She breathes and her eyes linger on my lips. She softly shakes her head like she's about to say something unbelievable. "Because you just did."

There is something pleading in her voice but before I can analyze it any further, Brittany has grabbed my face gently and pulls me in for a long overdue kiss.

I've wanted to kiss her all day long but there was never the right moment. This is stupid because every moment is the right moment to kiss those sweet lips.

She leans into me and I almost fall back into the cushion but I don't want our lips to part.

My chest feels so tight because my heart needs that much space to jump and beat. I grab her wrists on both sides of my cheeks and let my hands wander up until I can grab her shoulders and pull her into that kiss.

So far our lips haven't moved and just been pressed against each other. But when she finally parts hers and swallows mine with such hurry – I'm too overwhelmed to sit up straight any longer. I grab the back of her neck and drag her down on top of me when I lean back. Just like the night before she lies between my thighs and this time I am fully aware of what it does to my body.

A thought shoots through my head. What are we doing?

But when her tongue parts my lips and explores my mouth so confidently, I get rid of that worry so fast. It feels right and so perfect to be lying underneath her and being kissed by her. How can this be the wrong time, too fast or something I'm not supposed to do?

It's all I want… it's all I want…

"I wanna make you feel better" Brittany mutters between two kisses and her heavy breath makes me all dizzy and my heart pound in my chest. My hands run up and down her spine and I know I won't be able to speak a proper sentence.

"Ok" Is everything I manage to say before she guides our mouths together for the longest kiss we've shared so far. It sucks all the oxygen out of me but I don't care because it makes me feel so alive.

Her hips grind down into mine and it causes a gasp to escape my lips.

"Oh my… Brittany…" I breathe into her mouth because an excitement I haven't truly felt in so long pools in my lower stomach and spreads through my whole body when she does it again.

She breaks the kiss because she's panting just as heavily as I am and when I open my eyes, I find what I'm looking for. Approval. This is ok.

"Come here" She whispers and pushes herself up. She pulls me with her and before I know it, we are standing up straight and she guides me into her bedroom.

I don't know how I manage to actually walk there because my legs are not even legs anymore. They're something extremely wobbly and unsafe. But I know I won't sink to the floor because as soon as we're standing at the foot of her bed, she wraps her arms around my waist and holds me.

I don't remember when our lips found their way back together but they did because we are kissing just as heated and longing as before. My hands work by themselves when they run through her hair and caress her cheeks.

The kiss starts to slow down when her embrace around my body loosens a bit and her hands rest on my hips. She pulls away eventually and I whimper at the loss of contact but I get shushed when I watch how her glance drops to her fingers making tickling movements on my waist.

Our foreheads rest together and I'm holding on to the back of her neck and her shoulder when we both watch how her hands wander up on my sides.

"You're so beautiful." She whispers and the way she does it gives me goose bumps all over my body.

Her hands roam up my ribs and I shiver when they brush against the sides of my breasts. She's not even really touching me but it feels like I'm about to explode. The pressure inside me erupts with a sigh when one of her hands cups my left breast.

An incomprehensible word leaves my lips and I push into her touch. I thought I would be hesitant but I want to feel her so bad. I had no idea this craving was resting inside me and it's so mighty.

Without wasting any time, she starts kissing my neck and oh it feels so, so good and makes me forget everything around me. Anything that's not her skin or not her lips or not her hand squeezing my chest so delicately.

She lets go and while I'm waiting for what's to come next, she keeps kissing my neck and my jaw.

It's the air hitting the skin on my stomach that makes me realize she's pushing up my shirt. She detaches her lips from my neck and when I raise my arms, she pulls it over my head. I start trembling immediately because I'm only wearing shorts and a bra, her hands tickling the naked skin. She swallows when she beholds my covered chest and that is too much for me.

I stumble backwards until the bed hits the back of my knees and like a rubber band I collapse on the mattress. I land on my back and with foggy eyes I watch how Brittany takes off her own shirt. The breath hitches in my throat when I realize she's not wearing a bra.

I don't know what I was expecting but I wasn't expecting _that_. I've never seen a woman's bare chest in a romantic or sexual context. And now they're just… right there. I must be ogling at her perfect shaped breasts because I hear a soft chuckle when she steps closer. She slowly crawls over me and I look up to her face.

For the third time she tops me like this and although I should be used to it by now, I'm not at all and gasp when she lies down on me. But it's not that I'm just not used to it, it's also the feeling of our bodies lying flush against each other with nothing but my bra separating our chests from touching bare.

If her stomach already feels so soft and warm and good then how will her chest feel against my skin? Soft lips brush over mine and our breaths mingle so sweetly.

"Do you want to take it off, too?" She asks and I don't know why I'm overwhelmed by that question. I usually don't get asked if I want to take off my bra. Usually it just happens and I'm naked.

"Yes" I breathe and Brittany kisses me on the lips. Then she straddles my hips and sits up, giving me another opportunity to get a glimpse of her naked chest.

She grabs my wrists that are somewhere placed on her thighs and pulls me up until I'm sitting straight. I don't know if she thought this through because my face is right in front of her chest now.

When she sees my state of inability to do something, she cups my face with her hands and makes me look up. Our eyes meet for an assuring glance before she takes one of my hands and slowly guides it up to her chest. My lips part when I glance down at the right moment.

My hand cups her right breast and her hand cups mine. I've never felt something so soft and round and simply breathtaking in my hand. I always wondered what guys find so awesome about boobs but now that I'm feeling and seeing it – I can only agree. Brittany squeezes my hand to encourage me and then she wraps her arms around my neck, my hand working on its own. She reaches down to the clasp of my bra and undoes it easily, freeing my chest with tender fingers.

She pulls the bra down my arms and I have to let go of her so she can place it on the covers next to us.

"Lie back" She whispers and I am glad to do so because I'm still feeling bit dizzy.

I'm feeling naked but not exposed when she hovers over me and looks down at my chest. With slightly trembling fingers she strokes my collar bone first and it's good to know I'm not the only one who's nervous. Her fingers wander down and with a final look into my eyes she strokes over my chest ever so slightly before cupping my left breast with a warm hand.

I want to moan or sigh but I have to save it for when she lowers her face to my chest and starts kissing me there. With kisses as light as a feather she peppers my breasts and her lips and her tongue do wonders there. I want to say that this feels so incredibly good but the heavy breaths that leave my lungs make it impossible to speak.

She stops her sweet assault on my chest and starts kissing me on the lips again. She does it just as long as I need to calm down and then my lips are left alone.

I feel hands on my sides stroking over my ribs until they reach my shorts. I automatically lift my hips so she can pull them down a few inches. She has to lie next to me so she can fully take them off and I watch how it only takes her four seconds to take off her own sweatpants.

Only wearing panties we are lying on her bed now, her body pressing into my side. She props herself on her right elbow while her left hand gently cups my chin. I close my eyes when she starts kissing me and our tongues meet between our lips.

With my own hand I reach behind her neck to make sure she can't pull away this time as I need more of her. She gives me what I crave and kisses me deeply and slowly. Meanwhile her left hand has wandered down my chin and between my breasts, making small circles on my stomach. Usually I would be shivering and trembling by now, trying to suppress hysterical laughter because it tickles so much.

But the way Brittany touches me feels just amazing and I don't have to laugh. When she reaches my waist, she grabs me a little harder and my heart starts pounding quicker as she's only a couple inches away from where all the excitement is pooling between my legs.

I can tell I am getting wet – something that usually doesn't happen just by kissing and touching my stomach. The tips of her fingers ghost over the waistband of my underwear and when I open my eyes, she is already looking down at me.

"Do you want me to stop?" She whispers softly and I shake my head.

"No, please don't stop" I beg and then she swallows my lips for another mesmerizing kiss.

She kisses me with such need and want but I have to turn my face away from her so a loud groan can leave my lungs, as her hand just made its way into my underwear and cups my center. Never have such soft and careful fingers touched me there. Never has a first touch had so much effect. She doesn't move her hand, she just holds it there and I reach into her hair because I need something to hold on.

When she moves one single digit, I can feel how wet I actually am and I'm almost embarrassed about it. Needing to know if this is really possible, I untangle my right hand from her hair and guide it down and into my underwear. I cup her hand with my own to feel it and I can't believe it. I did not think my body was able to react like that.

"I've never been this… wet…" I admit with a whisper and Brittany nods against my cheek. She is breathing much louder than a couple minutes ago and I pull my hand back to let her do what she definitely knows better than me.

She moves so slowly against me and I press my eyelids together as it feels incredible. The softest strokes, the most careful fingers. Nothing I would have imagined it to be but a thousand times better. Her lips kiss my chin and my neck and my collarbone, making the sensation between my legs much more intense.

Suddenly her lips wander lower and she has to rearrange herself next to me when they are ghosting over my belly causing me to shiver like leaf. I'm really ticklish but this isn't about ticklishness. I'm trembling because I know that she wants to go lower once her fingers slowly pull out of my underwear.

I can only think of one reason to stop her from kissing me down there and that's because I'm still embarrassed about how I react to her touches. My hands grab her arms but I'm hesitant to stop her as her breath on my hipbone feels so good.

"Lift your hips a little" She whispers and I decide to just let her do it. I want to know what it feels like and I want _her_ to feel me like this. Because if she's the reason to make my body react this way then it can only be natural for her to see and feel it.

I lift my pelvis and allow her to take my underwear off. It happens fast because the next thing I know is how she's hovering between my spread legs and I can feel her hot breath hitting me over and over again. She waits a moment and lets me catch my breath and I'm thankful.

Here's the thing: Gabe and I had sex, we did. Not every day… but we did. Still there were things that we almost never did just because we weren't craving for it. He liked it 'normal' where one of us was on top and our bodies kind of did the work. But he only went down on me like… twice.

When her hands stroke my thighs and she kisses both insides, I reach down and cup one of her hands.

"Brittany… I've - this is new…" I pant and feel her hand squeezing mine back.

"Okay" She breathes and kisses my thigh again. "Try to relax. I'll stop if you want me to."

I nod although she can't see me and squeeze her hand to give the ok.

And then something warm and wet caresses over me and I gasp into the silent bedroom. I have to press my other wrist over my lips to muffle loud moans because I want to silently enjoy this. But that's impossible; I bite my skin until it hurts and decide that's not the point of it. And so another loud moan leaves my lips and Brittany holds my hand so tight on my thigh.

Her tongue knows just what to do and I don't know why I was embarrassed at first. It feels like the most natural thing to do and I really hope she thinks the same.

When my breaths are becoming irregular and the grip around her hand tighter, Brittany detaches her lips from my most sensitive spot and I sigh heavily. I don't know why she stopped but three seconds later her face appears right in front of mine.

One of her thighs takes the spot where her body had been just before and her left hand wanders all over everywhere. From my stomach, to my belly button, to my thigh, my knee and then up to my chest.

I'm still panting because of what she just did between my legs with her tongue and so I don't realize she's already a step ahead.

I thought her fingers were still ghosting somewhere around my chest and I jump when they are back between my legs. She repeats the movements that got me all worked up and also work this time.

I feel how she nudges my nose with hers and draws my attention back to her face. When I open my eyes she kisses me once before positioning her fingers lower. With a deep and trusting look, I allow her to do with me whatever she wants and that's when she thrusts into me so slowly, making sure I won't get hurt.

"Oh God" I gasp when she's deep inside me and holds still for a couple seconds before slowly starting to move. Her movements are so soft but strong at the same time and I almost lose my mind.

In and out and circles or everything together – I don't know what she's doing but it feels incredible. Not from this world.

I kiss her jaw and pull her down for another kiss on the lips. It feels like hours that she makes love to me and I don't ever want her to stop. With my left hand I stroke up and down her back and feel the sweat that has collected on her skin.

After a very intense thrust I have to grab her wrist because I know I'm gonna come in like five seconds. I wrap my other arm around her waist tightly because I need to hold on to her. I'm scared I will fall down somewhere if I don't hold on to her tight. She must know what is happening with me and so she lifts her body fully on top of mine and supports her weight on her elbow right next to my head.

Her body gets pressed flush against me while her hand is still caught between our bodies. With another kiss to my lips she continues to thrust into me and this time she emphasizes her moves by grinding her hips into mine. It's ten times more intense like this because I can now wrap both my arms around her upper body and my thighs press into her sides, like she's mine and mine to keep.

Her hot lips press kisses all over my cheeks and her hand works so hard but gentle between my legs. Her thumb keeps brushing against my most sensitive spot while two other fingers slide into me so easily as if they are meant to be there. A teardrop I never allowed to escape is running down my cheek but it's not because I'm sad. It's because I'm overwhelmed.

"Let go, beautiful… just let go. I'm gonna catch you" She breathes into my ear and so I do. My everything explodes with fireworks and waves of perfection and I give it all to her by screaming her name and biting her shoulder.

All the orgasms I've had with my high school hook-ups are nothing compared to this. Whenever I reached climax by touching myself it was nothing compared to this. Whenever Gabe was on top of me, pushing into me and I was lucky to come before him – it was nothing compared to this.

This is complete sexual satisfaction and I live it to the very last second.

I'm trembling and shaking underneath Brittany's body, my mouth open and my breath hitching when she keeps moving gently inside me. Her thrusts turn softer and her kisses become comforting whispers into my ear.

"You're so amazing…"

I'm not capable to say something in response and so I just hold her tight and breathe into her neck.

When I finally manage to open my eyes, something darts into my heart because those blue orbs look down at me. It's pure adoration and I can't believe I have managed to live twenty-three years without these eyes. Six years without such complete satisfaction. Two minutes without kissing those beautiful lips.

And that's why I have to kiss her right now. Our lips move sloppily against each other and I moan softly at the feeling of her still being inside me.

Her lips ghost over mine and I can feel her smile against them. I want to say something – anything but my emotions are playing tricks with me and so the only thing I manage to do is grab her face with both my hands and lock our eyes.

A soft smile graces her lips and with all the strengths I have left, I mirror it.

Where were you, Brittany S. Pierce? Where were you all my life...

* * *

 **Chapter 14 *Waves***

 _ **Same night… Brittany…**_

She doesn't know what time it is, probably around midnight. Their bodies were so exhausted that they both fell asleep at one point with their legs still entangled and their naked bodies covered by nothing but each other's arms, strays of hair and tickling breaths.

But now they are both awake and Brittany has pulled the sheets up to their waists, keeping them comfortably warm. Everything feels warm when she lets her eyes wander over the Latina's face right in front of her. Especially when she earns those sheepish looks and a smile there and then.

They've been lying face to face for a long while and her arm has been resting on Santana's hip. Meanwhile the brunette has been playing with a strand of blonde hair on the pillow and studying it carefully.

When their eyes meet, Brittany can tell that the other woman is trying to say something but struggling with it.

"What?" She whispers softly and squeezes Santana's waist encouragingly. It causes a bashful grin and Santana clears her throat before she parts her lips to say what's on her mind.

"I guess I still can't quite believe this happened. I mean… my body – how it reacted. God I must sound like a complete beginner. I sort of am though." She laughs embarrassed and hides her face in the pillow.

Brittany doesn't know what it is about Santana but every move she makes turns out to be adorable or sweet or sexy.

"So you've never done this with a woman?" She dares to ask and Santana shakes her head. After a while she looks up into Brittany's eyes and shrugs softly.

"In high school my friend and I used to make out… but it was rather innocent. She said it was just practice you know for boys. But I guess it was a little more than practice if we had been honest about it. I just had no idea what it meant. And then she ended it anyway… that was the only experience I ever made with another girl."

Brittany has been wondering if Santana had ever gotten intimate with another woman in her past maybe she sure knows how to kiss one… at the same time can she tell that what they did tonight must have been new for the brunette. The way she was shaking underneath her body, eager for her touch but also shy and nervous…

"Do you still talk to her?" She asks and lets her fingers run over Santana's skin.

"My friend from high school? Oh no I haven't seen her since graduation."

"So… this was sort of your first time then?" She bites her tongue because she doesn't want to sound like some perv who just won another trophy or something. "Sorry that slipped out"

Santana chuckles and nods slowly.

"But it's true… and the first time I ever truly came. Can you believe it?" Brittany can see how her cheeks turn deep red although it's dark in the bedroom. "That's rather embarrassing" She adds and Brittany props herself on her elbow so she can have a closer look at the woman lying next to her.

"No, that's nothing to be ashamed of" She says determinedly and pushes a strand of hair behind Santana's ear. "Actually that makes you very sexy… the fact that you just told me."

Santana grins bashfully and tilts her head.

"Really?"

"Yeah" She can't believe her heart is beating faster just by that look Santana gives her. Curious and timid, as if she can't believe what Brittany just said to her.

"Nobody's ever done this to me. Not like this" Santana whispers and her finger touches Brittany's chin and then her lips.

"You… nobody ever – did nobody ever go down on you?" She feels the heat crawling over her cheeks because that question is kind of raw and very personal. Just because they're lying naked in bed together doesn't mean she can ask Santana such a question. She wants to apologize and say she doesn't have to answer but Santana is quicker.

"Well… maybe once or twice but I don't think Gabe liked it. It was something completely different." She admits and shrugs almost apologetic. Brittany frowns because she can't believe what she's hearing. Is he an idiot?

"He must be crazy. Because I love your scent… and how you taste" Screw being careful with the words. It's only the truth.

Santana covers her mouth with her hand and looks back and forth between Brittany's eyes and lips.

"Oh my… you did not just say that." She snorts and turns onto her back to look away from Brittany.

"What? Why not? It's true!" Brittany says loud in order to defend herself but she has to laugh when Santana pulls the blanket up to her face and hides. "Seriously… you taste like heaven." She whispers when she scoots closer to the Latina and spoons her side.

She sees how Santana holds still under the sheets and doesn't stop her when Brittany slowly pulls them down to reveal her face.

"Don't hide" Brittany mumbles and blows a kiss to the brunette's cheek.

Santana turns her head so the tips of their noses are touching and she smiles bashfully.

"Okay" She whispers and shuffles her body so they're facing each other again.

Utterly careful Santana's hand makes its way on Brittany's hips under the covers and it warms her insides when it stays there and a thumb makes small circles on her skin.

"Did you set the alarm? Because we've gotta head to work in like seven hours" Santana suddenly says and gives Brittany a serious look.

"Yeah it's always set. Even on the weekend because then I can turn it off and fall asleep again. But don't worry… seven hours are long."

Santana smiles and slowly moves forward until their lips are humming against each other. Brittany closes the gap between them and the hand on her hip holds on a little tighter when their lips meet for a kiss.

They've kissed quite a few times now but it surprises her every time how soft Santana's lips are and how much she just wants to kiss them for hours and hours after that. She pulls the covers up to their shoulders and soon her hand gets enwrapped by slender fingers.

"I think I'm gonna fall asleep very soon" The brunette mumbles and Brittany leans in to press a kiss on her forehead.

"Good… me, too" She whispers and lets her head sink back into the pillow.

And when she hears Santana's breath turn steady and calm she finally closes her eyes, too and lets sleep take over.

* * *

She should feel dead tired or physically wrung out after last night but actually her spirits haven't been this high in a long time. She's sipping her coffee and replaying the weekend in her head. That crazy weekend…

Santana's still in the shower and if she doesn't step out in like two minutes, then they're definitely going to be late for work. Well… _Santana_ is going to be late. Shelby doesn't care what time Brittany shows up, she just lets her do her thing. Which is exactly how she likes it.

Work… what will that be like now? She can totally handle this professionally. If there's another job to do for her and Santana together, then that's easy. Because they already know how well they work together. The interview with Ann Dupré or the meeting with The Compasses – piece of cake! But they also hadn't slept together then… right.

How is she supposed to focus on anything that has to do with a magazine when Santana will be around her all the time? At least they don't share an office because that would be…

She doesn't want to push Santana into anything – hell, she doesn't even know what this means in the first place! If Santana wants it to be a one-night-stand then what can she say? Maybe she'll step out of the bathroom in a couple minutes and say: 'Hey! Thanks for the night, you were great. But let's just stay friends'

That would be… the exact same thing that Brittany used to do with all those meaningless hook ups. Or maybe Santana will say that she doesn't even want to be friends anymore because this all shouldn't have happened?

But it felt way too good to think like that...

She'll just have to accept whatever decision Santana makes. She chuckles when the bathroom door opens and Santana steps out with nothing but two towels on. One on her wet hair and one covering her amazing body.

"Sorry I'll be ready in like ten minutes, ok?" Santana says hastily and hurries into the bedroom to get dressed. Brittany can't even answer something and just lets her eyes follow the Latina's long legs until the door closes and hides them.

A couple minutes of waiting later her stomach grumbles and once again there is no breakfast in the house. They'll just have to grab something on the way or make a quick stop at the cafeteria before they head to their individual offices.

With hunger and a nervous feeling in her stomach she pours herself another cup of coffee to calm her nerves as she doesn't know what is going to happen next between her and Santana.

"God I'm so gonna be late…" Santana mumbles when she finally steps out of the bedroom, fully dressed and ready to go. Some nice grey jeans, pumps, a blouse and Brittany has to swallow emptily at that view.

"You still want a cup of coffee?" She asks with a quick glance at her watch. Santana steps into the kitchen and smiles at her shyly.

"No time… can I have a sip of yours?" Brittany parts her lips and wants to say yes but instead she only nods quickly and reaches her the cup. Their fingers brush against each other and when Santana guides the cup to her lips, Brittany's heart does a weird little flip.

"Thanks" Santana says softly and hands her back the mug. They stare at each other for a couple seconds before Brittany clears her throat and gets up on her feet.

"So you're ready? To go to work?" She asks and points to the door.

"Yeah, yeah. Let's go before Shelby gets another crisis… do we go with both cars or just one?"

Brittany blinks several times because she thought they would go with one as it wouldn't make sense to drive there separately only to come back home at the same time. Unless Santana doesn't want to come back. Only then something behind Santana catches her eye. It's the giant bag with all her clothes and stuff you need when you sleep somewhere else than home.

"Oh uhm… do you… I mean it depends on what your plans are for the next days. Are you gonna stay somewhere el-… somewhere?" She doesn't know why she's sounding so insecure. Who said Santana was going to stay another night? They never talked about where Santana would live after this weekend.

"I was kind of thinking I'd stay at a hotel for a couple nights until I know what to do. All my other clothes and stuff are still at my house and… I can't ask Gabe to move back in." She stops when her glance meets Brittany's and she quickly shakes her head. "But I also wouldn't want that. I just… I need to figure out my life as quick as possible and decide where to go. I need to find my own apartment." Her voice sounds extremely weak at the last three words and Brittany bites her lip because she knows this won't be easy.

"You know you don't have to go to a hotel. You can stay here if you want. It's not much space but I don't want you to think that I don't want you here anymore."

Santana looks at Brittany intently and a warm smile forms on her lips but it's weak.

"Thank you… but I can't just stay here and be in your space all the time."

Brittany wants to object but then she realizes that Santana actually means something else. "I need to figure out what's gonna happen next with my life and therefore I need to be for myself for a while, I think." She says with a low voice but Brittany understands just fine. And she _really_ understands.

"But uhm…" Santana continues and makes a step forward towards Brittany. "I'm really thankful that you let me stay here. I don't think I would have felt this safe anywhere else." She almost whispers when she steps closer and they both look down. "Last night…" Brittany swallows when tanned fingers reach for her hand and she slowly lets her eyes wander to Santana's face. "It was incredible."

A silent breath of relief leaves Brittany's lungs and she squeezes the Latina's hand in hers.

"It _was_." She agrees and when dark eyes meet hers, they both smile softly.

"And uh… I don't know what it means, yet but just because I can't live here now doesn't mean that…"

She doesn't need to finish the sentence because it's clear what she's trying to say. Except it's not but what's clear these days anyway?

All Brittany needs to know is that Santana doesn't regret it. And when the brunette gets lost in her eyes and wets her lips, she gets her answer.

They lean in at the same time and close their eyes for a soft kiss. Like butterflies landing on each other's lips. Everything is soft except for the fast throbbing in her chest but that's ok.

When they open their eyes and their foreheads rest together, they look down at their entwined fingers and their chests are moving up and down several times before they break free from their trance and smile at each other.

"Let's go then. I think Shelby's going to kill you…"

Santana huffs and rolls her eyes before nudging Brittany's shoulder.

"Way to kill the mood" She mumbles and grins when Brittany leads them out of the kitchen.

"Sorry… maybe I can make it up sometime?" She smirks and grabs Santana's bag that's still on the floor. "Come on, I'll walk you to your car."

Santana lets her and when they are standing on the sidewalk where she parked her car, they grin sheepishly.

"I'll see you at work." Brittany whispers and kisses Santana on the cheek. She fumbles with her own keys and watches how Santana nods.

"Yeah, I'll see you there." And then she does the same thing Brittany just did and presses a kiss to her cheek, lingering a tiny bit longer.

Once Santana has stepped into the car and slowly drives off, Brittany waits five minutes and then gets into her own vehicle and starts the engine. With a deep breath she checks the side mirror before she puts the car into first gear and then makes her way back to the Sylvester building.

* * *

 _ **The same day… Santana's POV…**_

"I don't know what it is but something's different. You didn't cut your hair, did you?" Quinn mumbles and chews on her spoon when I throw an annoyed glance at her. This is so Quinn – why can't she just think silently? And do I really look like something's different?

"No, I didn't and I'm also not wearing new clothes or anything of that matter."

Quinn, Kurt and I have been sitting in the cafeteria and enjoying our lunch break together. Well, _enjoying_ is exaggerated. Actually I haven't been able to focus on anything ever since I stepped foot into the Sylvester building. Everything is spinning and turning in my head and I don't know how to put all these thoughts into order.

I'll have to find a very cheap hotel to stay for a couple nights because I need to think.

"Then what is it?" Kurt asks with his mouth full of dessert. "Come on Santana… it's pretty obvious that something is wrong. You've been looking worried all morning and you haven't eaten one single bite of your dessert."

I look down at my plate and it's true. The chocolate cake that Kurt brought me and Quinn still looks perfectly untouched and delicious. But I can't eat it…

These two are so bad whenever they want to know something. Especially Quinn but also Kurt is being annoying right now. Maybe I should just get it over with. They will find out sooner or later anyways.

"Well…" I clear my throat and take a deep breath to tell them what happened Friday night but Quinn interrupts me before I can even begin.

"Oh my God! Where is your wedding ring?" She exclaims and stares down at my naked hands.

I took it off when I was standing in Brittany's bathroom before getting ready for bed on Saturday night. It had felt so heavy around my finger and I just had to take it off. I wrapped it into a tissue and I'm now keeping it in my purse. Do you give the wedding ring back to your husband when you split up? Or is that just when you blow up an engagement and you return the engagement ring? Why do I not know these things?

"Santana? What the hell is going on?" Quinn breathes and carefully reaches for my hand on the table.

"I uhm…" Why is my voice trembling now? They are my friends, not my parents. I don't have to justify myself in front of them. They just want to know. "I… we split up" I mumble and press my lips together.

Kurt gasps and covers his mouth with his hand while Quinn only stares at me with a blank expression and then squeezes my hand.

"Are you serious?" She whispers after a while and tries to make eye contact. I nod and shrug softly.

"Quite some things happened over the weekend and I'll stay at a hotel for the next couple days to figure out what I'm gonna do."

"What? You're not staying at a hotel! You stay with one of us!" Quinn says breathlessly and Kurt bobs his head.

"What do you want at a hotel? That's depressing and expensive" He states and I shrug weakly.

"But I don't want to be a burden for any of you. Also I need space to think and…"

"Actually I have space more than enough" Kurt says quickly and raises his hands. "My roommate has been on a stay abroad and won't come back for the next three months. He's in Australia and paid for his half of the rent in advance. You could totally have his room. You wouldn't bother me, Santana… and I swear I would leave you alone, so you can figure out whatever you need to figure out."

Kurt gives me the warmest smile and I almost burst into tears. Why is everyone so nice to me and wants to take me in? It's not like I ever had to give them shelter in the past or anything.

"Kurt that's so sweet of you-"

"And that's why you're going to accept. You go get your stuff first thing when you get off work and then you come back to my place-"

"Hang on, Kurt" Quinn interrupts him and looks at me intently. "Before you start talking about getting all her stuff and so on, we must know if this is really definite? I mean… is it really over between you and Gabe? What did happen? Isn't it possible that you just need some time apart?"

They both look at me expectantly and I slowly shake my head. It would be easy. For me and Gabe to keep living our carefree life. It would be easy to live a marriage that is actually a friendship and make people believe we are a perfect couple.

But it would be so hard to breathe and be with the person you're not in love with.

"No…" I mumble and stare into space right in front of me. "No that's not possible, Quinn. Because Gabe and I should have never gotten married in the first place and I'm only realizing this now. Every day I manage to fit another puzzle piece and I'm beginning to find out who I actually am."

Quinn narrows her eyes and nods slowly.

"Okay"

"I'll tell you guys more… but right now I'm still too overwhelmed by everything that happened on that weekend."

Kurt nods and puts his hand on Quinn's that is still resting on mine.

"Don't worry, Santana. You can stay with me and take whatever time and space you need. Only if you want to, of course. But my offer stands."

I smile at him and when a teardrop falls down my cheek, I nod.

"Thank you. Actually I would like that a lot."

The two of them give me a compassionate smile and I don't know how I deserve such sweet people in my life.

* * *

The sand feels like a massage between my toes and the wind curls through my hair, making my head full of thoughts feel a little bit lighter.

I think I've been walking miles on this beach, holding my sandals in my hand and letting my eyes wander over the endless ocean out there. This is something I haven't done in years. Just go for a walk alone. It feels amazing actually and I can think about everything.

I'll have to call my parents soon and tell them the truth because there is no turning back. The only way I will go is forward, into a life that only I can make right for myself.

Next weekend I'll go back to Gabe's and get all the important things I need and that I forgot to pack. _Gabe's_ … that sounds awfully weird in my head. Up until a couple days ago it was ours. It still feels like my house, too and that I actually still live there. I guess it will take a while until I feel like I have made myself a new home to live. Maybe Kurt can help me with my first try.

Who do I have to call again to say I have a new address? God these little things that I need to take care of…

But what about the big things? Eventually we'll have to take care of a divorce – we can't stay married forever. And then he pays me until I can take financial care of myself? But… I'd actually feel bad to take his money when we're not a couple anymore. Still I need the car he bought for me to get to work because Kurt lives quite a bit further away.

And the joint bank account? Insurance? How do all these things work when you separate and eventually divorce? I feel like a child all over again because I have not the slightest clue. That's so embarrassing…

Gabe always took care of everything. I know how to do the laundry and cook and keep a giant apartment clean. I know how to do my job and how to be a friend but I don't know how these other important things work. I have to learn it all over again now that I'm alone.

Well… Kurt and Quinn won't leave me alone, I know that. And I guess my brother Ricky will be there for me, too and help me out if I need something.

But also do I want to make it on my own. It's just really hard work and that's crazy to realize.

With a pang I get reminded of Brittany's soothing touches and her tight embrace when we were lying in her bed. God how much I'd want her to hold me right now…

Her lips… and her breath on my skin. It felt so amazing but I can't show up at her place now. That also wouldn't be fair to her because I don't want to start a push and pull game…

But I'd seriously give anything for a hug right now. Memories of last night rush through my mind and I get shivers when I remember her kisses _everywhere_. She kissed me everywhere. How does she know how to touch me like that? The way it made me tremble and shake so out of control? She knew all the buttons on my body - some I didn't even knew would work. How did she make me feel the most intense feeling I had ever experienced? Woah I'm dizzy...

I startle when cold water hits my calves because a big wave just reached the shore and I didn't even see it coming. At the same time something vibrates in my pocket and for a moment I'm confused about all those things hitting me.

I step back onto dry sand and grab my mobile out of my pocket. I narrow my eyes because the setting sun is hitting the display at an uncomfortable angle.

 _ **\- Did u find a hotel? You're safe and sound?**_

It's Brittany and I smile with an aching chest because we must have been thinking about each other at the same time. I take a couple seconds to think and then I type a reply.

 _ **\- Kurt offered me to stay at his place. Safe but… I miss you.**_

I don't know what I'm thinking when I press send because – shit!

Can I tell her that? I don't want her to freak out or something. Well, I'm just saying that I miss her because that's what I do. It's not that big of deal actually. Unless she thinks that's weird because we just saw each other this morning? I woke up lying in her arms. I really shouldn't miss her already.

I can't call back a sent message, can I?

 _ **\- I miss you, too**_

My heart suddenly hammers in my chest. Now I don't feel like a child who can't take care of herself anymore. I feel like a teenager… craving for the first serious crush. Have I never been a teenager acting all foolishly? What did I miss for Christ's sake?

With trembling fingers I type another reply and bite my lip when I send it out to Brittany.

 _ **\- Do u want to join me for a walk on the beach?**_

I don't care that I've already been walking for the past two hours and that my feet are getting tired. Right now I feel like I could walk all night…

* * *

"How long have you been here?" Brittany greets me when we come to a halt in front of each other. She smiles and her glance drops down to my bare feet.

"A while… been enjoying the evening sun and the sound of the waves. There is something really calming about it."

Twenty minutes after our last message she called me and asked where exactly I was on the beach. We stayed connected until I saw her waving at me from a distance and then we slowly approached each other.

"You wanna walk a bit?" I ask and point down to where the water keeps hitting the dark sand. She nods and bends to take off her Converse. When she's also barefoot and feeling up the sand with her toes, I start walking and she follows me quickly afterwards.

"So Kurt has enough space then?" She asks once we're strolling at a comfortable pace and our wrists keep bumping against each other.

"Yeah… his roommate is out of the country and I can have his room for free. I can't believe how lucky I am."

"That's great. Kurt seems to be a lot of fun to hang out with."

"Yeah, he's great." I throw a glance to my right and see that she's smiling softly. I feel the urge to explain why I couldn't stay at her place. It's not that I didn't want to. But it simply wouldn't have been the best idea.

"Brittany, I know I said I needed to be for myself for a while so I can think and get my life together. And now I'm living with Kurt, so it looks like I just made an excuse to not stay at your place but that's not what it is, ok?"

"Santana…" She stops me softly and we turn towards each other. "I know it wasn't an excuse and it's really ok."

I blink at her several times because I was kind of scared she would be disappointed.

"Really?"

"Of course. I mean… it's not like you're gonna sneak into Kurt's bed at night and let him seduce you, too, right?"

My mouth falls open and I playfully slap her arm.

"Brittany!"

"I was kidding!"

I stare at her in disbelief and slowly shake my head.

"You think I'm that easy to get?" I challenge and Brittany just grins victoriously. I nudge her again but this time I keep my hand on her arm and make a step towards her.

Automatically her arms wrap around my waist and I look up into her eyes. They're almost as blue as the ocean right behind her. I forget that there are other people on this beach because I don't care right now. They're far away anyways…

"What now?" She whispers and I just shrug when there is a hand on the small of my back.

"You were so sure of yourself just a minute ago. What are you waiting for?" I ask softly and watch how Brittany's eyes drop to my lips.

"I was just joking" She breathes and a shy smile forms.

"I'm not…"

Her eyes widen ever so slightly and her lips part when she looks at me to make sure she heard right. With my empty hand I softly grab her forearm and pull her just an inch closer to me. Apparently that's all the permission she was looking for and with a smile on her lips she closes the gap between us.

My eyes flutter shut when her warm lips take me in and I instantly feel as light as a feather again. One of her hands wanders from my lower back up to my cheek and she strokes it softly when she pulls my upper lip between hers and kisses me so gently.

I have to grip her arm a little harder to make sure I won't float away on this sand but she holds me close to her.

I hum against her lips when she pulls back softly and then kisses the tip of my nose and once my forehead. I open my eyes and get greeted with that stunning blue once more. Her hands lock behind my back and I grin like a fool when she rests her forehead against mine.

I really thought we would meet for a nice walk on the beach and I guess we _did_ make about thirty steps… but this is even better and I don't mind we're not walking anymore.

"You sure know how to make my heart beat quite fast right now, Lopez" Brittany whispers after long seconds where we just watch each other's face and taste what's left of the other's lips.

"Is that so?" I ask and close my eyes when she lets her forehead rest against my temple. "Well… you should feel mine"

She chuckles against my cheek and just holds me close for another while where we listen to the waves in the back ground and play with the sand between our toes.

It feels like it's hours later (and maybe it is) that we say goodbye at my car and wish each other sweet dreams.

* * *

 **Chapter 15 *Confessions***

 _ **At Kurt's place… two days later…**_

"Santana, I really don't mean to be too nosy but now that you're here living with me and we get along well, right?"

I swallow down a spoon of cereals and nod at Kurt's question. We've been sitting at the kitchen table for the past ten minutes and silently shoveling dinner into our mouths.

I knew he was going to ask sooner or later… the question why Gabe and I have broken up has kind of been an elephant in the room. When I arrived at Kurt's place on Monday evening, he didn't bother asking questions and just showed me my room. Later he brought me a tray with food for dinner and I had found it really sweet. I wanted to tell him more why I was here and not at my own house but I had been just too tired to explain.

Then on Tuesday evening Kurt said that I could talk to him if I should ever feel like it and I thankfully accepted without making use of his offer, yet though. I guess there is no reason not to tell him a little more… after all he's letting me stay here.

"Well… I just can't stop thinking about you and your husband splitting up. I mean I never met him but Quinn says he's a really nice guy. And the fact that you got married at such a young age made me assume that you must have been very much in love but then why would you break up after not even two years of marriage? That's like… so sad and I can't help but wonder what must have happened. I'm sorry for being all up in your business." He talks so fast that I have to stop chewing and make sure to not miss a word. I smile at him and put my spoon down. With a deep breath I lean back in my chair and shrug softly.

"That's ok, I guess sooner or later more people will hear about it and I'll have to tell everyone what happened. It's uh… it's funny that you say we must have been very much in love." I chuckle bitterly because the realization simply hurts. "But really that was not the case. Not at all actually…"

Kurt's eyes widen and he slowly shakes his head.

"You two didn't love each other?" He asks incredulously.

"We did…" I state slowly and I mean it. "We loved each other. But… then we got married."

Kurt stares at me dopily and I can't blame him. What I say does sound weird. And silly. And it makes me feel stupid.

"I'm not following" Kurt mumbles and blinks twice.

"Trust me, I'm not really following, either. All these things are happening and… I don't know what to do about them." I whisper and let my hands run through my hair. "Gabe and I got married because it was convenient. We made a really good couple and after being friends for quite l long while we eventually fell in love. This might sound stupid now but uh… I don't think either of us ever fell very deep. And it couldn't have been enough to stay together forever."

I hide my face in my hands because it just goddamn hurts to realize those things. Not even a week ago, Gabe and I were still – Gabe and I… he took care of me in a way and I took care of him in another. Husband and wife after all… and now I'm supposed to just manage on my own?

Am I being a baby or is it ok to grieve even though I initiated it? I don't think Gabe would have said something if I hadn't. He even wanted to get me pregnant so…

"For quite some time I didn't see it. It was a comfortable marriage that gave us stability. But it wasn't a truly happy marriage. Does that make sense?"

Kurt scratches his forehead and slowly nods.

"I guess it does. So you're not very sad about it?"

"Oh no I'm sad. I am… but I think it's because it happened so fast, you know? It's like… so definite although a week ago everything was going normal. And then on Friday everything changed. It's just hard to grasp, I guess."

I watch how Kurt knits his eyebrows in confusion.

"On Friday? So you still slept under the same roof although you were breaking up? Wasn't that awkward?"

I can tell my face is blushing and I grab my spoon to make time and think of what to say.

"Oh uh… yeah, no I wasn't there anymore."

"Did you stay with a friend?"

"No, uh… well yeah. I stayed with Brittany"

"Huh?" Kurt's eyes widen and a weird grin forms on his lips as if he thinks he just misheard.

"Brittany" I mumble and narrow my eyes, suddenly I'm not so sure if it's a good idea to have this conversation.

"Seriously? You stayed with Brittany? Wow… I didn't know you two were so close. I would have thought you asked Quinn or Rachel even but Brittany? Huh…"

I frown.

"Rachel? No I'm so _not_ close with her. Brittany just – well we've been working together and I guess we got along quite well although not really in the beginning. But I mean she helped me and I thought why not like- I mean she…we… just because I'm close with Quinn doesn't mean that I have to live with her and also Brittany offered me to stay and so-"

"Santana hey, I wasn't asking you to justify. I was just wondering, that's all. If you and Brittany are friends now then that's great. Right?"

Kurt smiles sweetly and I slowly nod, my heart beating foolishly fast.

"Right! Right, I mean… yeah."

"So why didn't you stay with her? Not that I'm complaining – I love having company."

"Oh it's just because she doesn't have much space and I guess it's… I don't know."

Kurt narrows his eyes and I think he wants to ask something else but lets it be.

"Okay well… it's getting late, I should head to bed. But just so you know, I totally love having you here and you don't have to hurry finding an apartment, ok?"

He gets up and puts his bowl and spoon into the dishwasher before turning back to me and squeezing my shoulder.

"Thanks, Kurt. I really appreciate it."

"No problem. Sleep tight. Shall we leave for work same time tomorrow morning?"

"Yeah, I'll drive. Sleep well."

He winks at me and then leaves the kitchen to get to his room.

I decide to stay for a couple more minutes and just ponder about how I am going to tell my parents. It was easy to tell Kurt – he's a friend who doesn't judge me. But if I imagine my mother's disappointed face and my dad's bitter expression… I get sick to my stomach.

I'll just have to get it over with. The sooner the better and then maybe things will feel more real.

With a heavy sigh I sink into my "new" bed an hour later and allow myself to imagine it is Brittany's Superman blanket that I cuddle into. Just because…

* * *

I try to write down as fast as I can but Shelby talks like a waterfall. For the past fifteen minutes she's been ranting about what _needs_ to get better and what we _need_ to change and improve in our celebrity department. _Do this and that… and would you please take care of that, Santana? I'm sure you'll find the time to call Eric and ask for permission to do this thing and remind him of that other thing and blah and will you take care of that as well, Santana? And bring me another cup of coffee – that would be awesome._ _Blah_ _!_

"Do you think you could take care of that as well?" She asks and bores her eyes into mine. I'm not sure if I know for sure what she is talking about but I've learned it's better to just say yes and smile politely. So I do and Shelby nods satisfied.

"Very well. That's all then, you can go." I have already turned around and want to leave her office when Shelby calls me back. "Oh Santana? Bring me a cappuccino on your way back from the cafeteria, will you? Thanks."

My fingernails dig into the notepad that I've been holding against my chest and with a fake smile I let her know that – of course – I'll bring her a cappuccino on my way back from the cafeteria although I wasn't even planning on heading to the cafeteria any time soon. Guess I am now.

Ugh… Shelbs…

* * *

I rub my tired eyes while I'm standing in front of the vending machine and waiting for Shelby's coffee to fill the cup. Boy I could use one, too but that would be my fifth today. It's not even two pm, yet! It's because I couldn't find sleep last night until early morning hours.

I spent half of the night tossing and turning and trying to find the best words to explain to my parents about what's been happening with my life and that Gabe is no longer going to be their perfect son-in-law. God… they're gonna hate me. Probably disown me. Not that I care very much but I really think they might do that. They love Gabe like their own son.

How can I tell them? Seriously how?

I startle when I feel a hand on the small of my back and when I turn around, I get to look into those eyes that have been the other reason for my sleepless nights.

Brittany smiles at me carefully and before I know it, the hand is already gone and leaves me shivering.

"Hey" She says. All I want is to lean against her and close my eyes for a minute. But that would look quite funny since we're standing in a busy cafeteria. Why are there always so many co-workers hanging out and sipping coffee? Don't they have to work?

"Hi" I breathe and smile back at her. She's wearing a tight t-shirt and black jeans and ballerinas… sigh…

We haven't really found the time to speak ever since we met at the beach and 'went for a walk'. We hugged and kissed until the sun swallowed us whole, that's what we did. But so good…

"Let me guess." Brittany points to the coffee that is now ready. "Shelby ordered you down here to get her another right after she dictated you to do ten other things."

I chuckle and nod with a sigh.

"Correct. But I have stopped wondering why I always have to do those things instead of Quinn. It only gives me a headache and that's not what I need today."

Brittany knits her eyebrows together and tilts her head to the side.

"Are you okay? You look pretty exhausted actually."

I sigh because no, I'm not really ok.

"I could be better, I guess." I admit and bite on my lip when I look up into Brittany's face.

"Is everything fine with living at Kurt's?" She asks and her eyes pierce into mine.

"Oh yeah, yeah. That's great. It's just… I'm gonna visit my parents after work and tell them that their daughter failed marriage." I whisper the last part and a lump forms in my throat.

"Oh" Brittany hums and when her hand brushes against mine, my whole body jerks. "Santana, you didn't fail." She says and tries to get me to look up into her eyes. "They will understand."

I hiss and shake my head.

"You don't know my parents – they will be shocked. Me and Gabe breaking up is the last thing they are expecting and they will probably think I am joking or something. They'll hate me."

"Hey…" Her fingers wrap around my forearm and she squeezes softly. "They are your parents. They will _have_ to accept and understand it."

Automatically I lean closer and when her lips brush against my forehead, I get snapped back into reality. The reality of standing in the cafeteria and there are Silvesterians everywhere.

I make a step back and it forces Brittany to drop her hand.

"I can only hope so but they are still going to be so disappointed. Anyways – Shelby is waiting for her coffee, I should go back." I mumble and try to give Brittany an apologetic smile.

"Oh yeah, don't let her wait. But uh… you know if, you want to come over later and just hang out? I don't know we could cook maybe. I mean if you want to." She swallows and shrugs softly.

"I uh… I probably won't be in the best mood when I get back from my parents and not make such good company." I mumble and shake my head.

"I wouldn't mind."

I look up into Brittany's face and when I see nothing but sincerity, I press my teeth together. I don't know what to say because honestly I have no idea what this is. What is this thing with me and Brittany?

"But you know what, you should just take the time and…" She trails off and looks at her feet. I clear my throat and raise a weak hand.

"Brittany I'm sorry I haven't really talked to you since the beach… I wanted to." I nudge her shoe with my own and take a breath. "I really did. But everything is just so overwhelming at the moment. And I…" I shrug because I don't know what to say. I don't want to disappoint her. I really don't.

"Don't worry" She whispers and I shiver when she smiles so purely at me. "We'll just see where things go, ok?"

"Ok" I don't know what that means. But I guess it's an idea.

"My offer stands if you want to come over and cook something for dinner. And if you don't – that's fine, too."

I smile at her and grab the coffee.

"Thank you." I whisper and with an intense glance I turn around and make my way back to Shelby's office.

* * *

 _ **Five hours later… Brittany…**_

Her shoulders ache badly. She sat at her desk at the office for hours without a break. She's been so busy with research work and texting or calling her sources… also did she get asked to help out at the online edition of the Sylvester magazine and since she's actually pretty good with computers, she said 'no prob' and was working with some ICT dude all afternoon.

She regrets it now because her neck is killing her. For the past twenty minutes she's been lying on the couch like a bag of cement, not moving an inch. When she feels like she's regained _some_ energy, she reaches out and grabs the pile of envelopes from the coffee table.

She forgot to go through her mail yesterday and now there's already a giant pile. Bills, bills, bills… an invitation, another bill and an envelope with a thin handwriting on the front. Brittany narrows her eyes when she holds the envelope in front of her face and slowly her heart starts beating louder. She turns it around and there is the sender's address… Linda Hayes.

It hurts when Brittany swallows and she has to sit up on the couch before she fumbles on the envelope with trembling fingers. Once it's open, she pulls out the letter and closes her eyes for a moment. She really wants to read this. But at the same time it freaks her out.

She didn't call Linda on her birthday although Diane's mother had spoken on her answering machine and asked her to. But each time Brittany had grabbed the phone and dialed Linda's number, she hung up with a sick feeling in her stomach. She was still too much of a coward and so the birthday came and Brittany didn't call.

The letter is probably saying how disappointed she is. Or not? Maybe it just says how Linda's doing at school?

With a deep breath Brittany opens her eyes and unfolds the paper in her hand. It's written so beautifully, she always envied all the Hayes women for their careful handwriting. When her eyes wander over the first sentence, immediate tears burn in her eyes but she forces them back.

 _Dear Brittany_

 _I know mom called you some time ago and don't worry, it's ok that I didn't hear from you on my birthday. I would have asked her not to contact you if I had known that she was planning on doing so because I know you don't want to hear from us._

 _But here I am writing you a letter as I can't take it anymore. Maybe I'm being selfish but I'll risk you getting mad at me._

 _It's been so long and I always wonder how you are. Are you doing alright? I'm pretty sure you're in some kind of trouble… because that's generally what you do ;-)_

 _Where do you work currently? Do you still live in L.A.? I hope this letter reaches you and that you didn't move. I met a friend of Diane last week and she said she thought to have spotted you in a super market but wasn't sure if it was really you._

 _Well… maybe you're wondering how I am doing, too. I'm actually fine. I started my first year at college, can you believe it? Also I have a boyfriend now. His name is Spencer and I think you would like him, he takes good care of me. Mom loves him already but I wasn't expecting anything else as she's always been very supportive. She really thought of you as a part of the family, too, you know._

 _Anyways, I should stop writing now and head to my next dance class. Wish I could show you what we do here all day long. We dance and dance and dance… I know you would love it._

 _If you ever want to call or write back – I'd be so happy about it. But you don't have to. I'd understand._

 _Actually I just wrote that to not make you feel bad. Truth is; I really want to hear from you and think you owe me. Please give us some sign of life._

 _Hope you're fine…_

 _Linda_

She swallows when finishes the letter and holds it to her chest. Every single beat hurts in her ribcage and she can't believe how fast her pulse is racing.

She didn't think Linda would write her after she hadn't done anything to contact the girl on her birthday. She's really the biggest coward living on earth. Because not once has she managed to call Linda since she asked the Hayes family to leave her alone.

And now the nineteen-year-old writes her a letter out of the blue and let's her know how she's doing. Why can't she be as courageous as Linda? How hard can it be to let the family know she _lives_?

She'll have to answer Linda… with a letter? An e-mail? A phone call will only lead to uncomfortable silence so a letter should do. But what is she gonna say? Apologize for shutting them out of her life? Every explanation would sound pathetic and ridiculous.

' _I couldn't see your faces or hear your voices any longer because everything reminded me too much of Diane.'_

That sounds stupid! It's not their fault that they are Diane's family!

' _Being around you guys made me feel guilty because Diane and I broke up two weeks before she died.'_

They would laugh at her and her silliness. All they want is a sign of life.

* * *

She's been standing in her kitchen and her appetite has gone lost somewhere along the way but she should still eat something for dinner. Actually she has bought this sushi-kit and a giant sharp knife to try out something new but now she's not really in the mood anymore. Still she has already prepared the rice.

What's the point of making sushi for yourself? You swipe piece after piece while doing it and in the end you're not hungry anymore because you've already had too much.

Santana won't show up… it's already past eight.

Did her parents yell at her when she told them about her marriage? Maybe she'll want this thing between them (whatever it is) to end and they'll have to arrange themselves as friends whenever they have to work with each other.

Friends… it could work, right? It's not like she doesn't know how to be a friend. She could totally be Santana's friend. If that's what she wants…

The whole thing is silly anyways. What was she thinking when she started developing feelings for a married woman? Feelings – since when does she do feelings again?

Just because they kissed and spent a weekend together doesn't mean there are feelings involved. Actually it was a pretty _physical_ thing so far. They had sex and it was – mind-blowing…

But you can have mind-blowing sex with anyone. It doesn't mean there have to be feelings.

 _Ugh stop the ridiculous denial,_ she thinks to herself. She likes Santana. As in more than just liking to kiss her. Otherwise she wouldn't have dropped everything on Monday evening and met her at the beach for a walk.

But what can she do? Santana is clearly at a different point of life right now. She's going through separation… While Brittany hasn't even been near the term of a 'girlfriend' in a long time.

 _Knock-Knock…_

Brittany turns around and looks towards the door. Did she change her mind?

Slowly she makes her way to the entrance and when she opens the door to peek outside, she bites her lip because Santana is standing there with a bottle of wine.

"Oh wow, maybe I should better leave again?" The brunette greets her and stares at Brittany's hand in terror. Her glance drops down to see what makes Santana's eyes widen.

"Oh! It's a sushi knife! I was about to… to make sushi and I bought this super knife to cut the rolls."

Santana smiles softly and throws a glance over Brittany's shoulder.

"You're making sushi? Is it safe to eat it self-made? With the raw fish and stuff?"

"Oh well I make it vegetarian. Just rice and cucumber and some avocados. And the seaweed of course."

"Wow… sounds good actually."

They blink at each other and that's when Brittany realizes that Santana is still standing outside but probably came over to get _inside_. She raises the hand with the knife and points over her shoulder.

"Do you want to come in and help a bit? I bought way too much to eat it all for myself."

"Yeah… I haven't had sushi in forever."

She slowly steps inside and when Brittany closes the door behind her, their eyes lock for a good four seconds where they just look and a small smile forms on their lips.

"Drop your jacket anywhere. You can also watch TV while I prepare the food if you want."

Santana takes off her jacket and hangs it over one of Brittany's right next to the door.

"Watch TV?" She asks and clicks her tongue. "I'd prefer to watch you and your sushi skills." She says with a soft voice and follows Brittany into the kitchen.

"Well… I've only done it twice before with Puck. I don't know why but one evening we watched this cooking show and we got totally fascinated by how they made sushi. And then Puck and I hurried to the next super market and got all the stuff we needed. It tasted quite bad the first time but then we tried again and it turns out Puck and I could open up our own sushi restaurant."

She chuckles and grabs an apron to put around her waist. Santana sits down by the kitchen table, watching how Brittany prepares a cutting board and reaches for the pan with damp rice.

"You and Puck seem close… have you been friends for a long time?"

Brittany turns around and shrugs with a grin.

"Yeah he's my best friend. We went to the same high school actually and stayed friends once I started studying. We were inseparable. Diane was quite jealous at times… Puck and a friend own a bar and Rachel and I used to hang out there all the time. We still do but just not every night anymore."

Santana nods acknowledging and Brittany points to the knife in her hand.

"Wanna learn how to make sushi now?" She grins and watches how Santana gets up from her chair and steps next to Brittany.

"If you really think you know what you're talking about? I'm starving…"

"Oh don't worry about that. You'll have eaten enough for days after this delicious dinner. So first of all you put the seaweed in front of you. And then you grab a spoon and spread some rice on it but not too much. It's quite sticky so you need to be patient."

She takes a spoon of rice from the pan and puts it on the seaweed while Santana watches over her shoulder.

"And then you decide on what else you want to have in your sushi. I love cucumber and avocado, so I take a thin slice of each…" She grabs a small bowl of the already cut vegetable and adds it to the rice in front of her. "And just put it there. And now comes the tricky part."

She glances over her shoulder and meets Santana's big grin.

"Oh yeah, what's so tricky?" She whispers and her breath hits the skin on Brittany's neck.

"Well you want it to look like some nice sushi _rolls_ , right? So you have to wrap it up really carefully like this." She starts rolling up the seaweed sheet, demonstrating it slowly and then points to the almost finished product. "Now that's not how you eat sushi. We need to cut it first and that's when I need my super knife. Can you hand it to me?"

Santana's glance wanders to the knife right next to Brittany. She could easily reach it but she just wants to activate the Latina who does as she's told with a smirk on her face.

"You mean this one?" She mumbles and reaches for the sharp knife. Their fingers touch when Brittany takes it and they both chuckle softly.

"Yeah. So one roll of sushi will give you about four or five pieces. You just hold it loosely and then… cut."

With practiced hands she proves Santana that she gets five good pieces and puts them on an empty plate next to the rice pan.

"Easy, huh?" She breathes and throws a glance at Santana. The brunette nods smiling and when she presses her lips to her shoulder, Brittany feels a tingling sensation in her lower stomach.

"Can I try the next one?" Santana asks softly and Brittany hands her the spoon for the rice.

"Sure but I better stand right behind you. Just in case you forget how to hold the knife or something."

Santana chuckles and pulls up an eyebrow. Then they switch positions and Santana takes a new seaweed sheet from the package.

"So I put it in front of me and add some rice. But it's sticky so might need to be patient." Brittany laughs at the imitation and steps impossibly close to Santana, causing the Latina to exhale a trembling breath.

"I see you're a fast learner. Oh, I'm sorry – am I standing too close?" She asks innocently and takes in the scent of Santana's hair when she leans in. "I just want to make sure you make no mistake."

Santana clears her throat and starts rolling up the seaweed after adding some cucumber.

"I'm good. Maybe you're standing a little close but you know… I want to make everything right so I guess it's better if you watch."

"Yeah"

She grabs the sharp knife and Brittany narrows her eyes when she glances over Santana's shoulder, observing every move.

"Oh no" Santana exhales and shrugs softly. "I think I forgot how to cut the roll so there will be five equal pieces."

Brittany bites her lip and can't hide a funny grin. With one hand she reaches between Santana's waist and elbow and carefully cups the hand holding the knife.

"Luckily I still remember." They chuckle goofily like teenagers when they start cutting the sushi together and once they have five nice pieces, Santana puts them on the plate and leans back into Brittany's embrace.

"You're right, making sushi is so easy." She mutters and closes her eyes for a moment when Brittany squeezes her hips.

"Told you. Let's hurry because I'm starving, too." She steps away from Santana's back although she'd rather just want to hold her and forget about sushi. She grabs another cutting board and they start working next to each other. Whenever they have wrapped up a roll, they take turns at cutting and watch each other's moves closely.

* * *

"You were not promising too much." Santana blurts and pats her stomach. They've been sitting on the couch and munching piece after piece of sushi while watching a movie on TV and talking a bit. Mostly about Shelby because she was being super annoying today. Even with Brittany although the two usually get along quite well.

"Glad you came over to try them then." Brittany agrees and swallows down her last bite. Santana smiles and puts her empty plate next to Brittany's on the coffee table.

"Well… I didn't just come for sushi." She mumbles and smiles. Then her expression turns serious and Brittany thinks to detect sadness.

"Hey" She whispers and reaches for Santana's hand. "How did things go with your parents?"

She's wanted to ask this question ever since she let Santana walk through the door but then they cooked and she didn't want to ruin the atmosphere. But now that the sweet smile on Santana's face has disappeared, she needs to ask.

The brunette sighs and slowly shakes her head.

"It was worse than I expected. If that's even possible. I called Gabe after work to ask if it's ok if I tell my parents today. That was already so weird. He was being all distant and as always in a hurry. He said I should do whatever feels right and that he already told _his_ parents. I don't understand why he didn't warn me – they could have called me and I would have been all unprepared. I'm sorry… do you even want to hear this? This is so weird to tell you about Gabe, I'm sure it's awkward for you to listen. I'm sorry."

"No, actually I'm interested." Brittany reassures Santana and nudges her knee with her own. "I mean… if you want to tell."

Santana presses her lips together and then nods shyly.

"Well... before we hung up, he agreed that I could come over on the weekend and get some more stuff that I need. Like all those things I didn't even remember I would need. Stuff for my online banking… or the charger for my laptop. It sounds silly because those things were always there when I needed them and now I have to organize everything. And I also asked Gabe if we could talk in person to clear all the other stuff. I feel really shabby to discuss the money thing so soon because I've not even moved out completely and it somehow still feels like we're a couple although we're not. Just because that's what my life used to be like for the past three years, you know?"

Brittany's heart feels heavy when she watches Santana's bitter expression and how she's obviously struggling. "I'm sorry, Brittany. You shouldn't be the one who has to listen to me complaining about the pains of separation because…" She squeezes Brittany's hand and looks at it carefully. "But I really don't know how to do it better right now, I'm sorry."

"Santana, stop apologizing. I think I would have told you by now if I couldn't handle it. So yeah, it's a little weird to hear about you and your husband but it's obviously bothering you so why not talk about it openly? I mean… if I know what's business then even better, right?"

She doesn't know exactly what she's trying to tell her with that. But honestly she prefers to play with open cards and know what is going on instead of just fooling around with Santana and then later find out that they have rushed things.

"Yes" The Latina whispers and smiles at their entangled hands.

"I can imagine it must feel uncomfortable to talk about what you're going to do about your financial situation. But I'm sure Gabe is aware that you have to work together to make this possible. It's quite obvious that you need his support and it's not like you're separating with this huge fight where you refuse to talk to each other completely."

"That's true. I just hope things will not turn nasty once we're talking about a divorce, you know? But I guess Gabe and I can handle it somehow. We were always friends, too so… I hope we can find a way."

Brittany scoots a little closer to Santana and carefully puts an arm around her shoulder.

"And what did your parents say?" She whispers and closes her eyes when Santana rests her temple against her cheek. This feels so intimate. She doesn't remember being so close to someone and just talk. It feels nice…

"I told them to sit down once they had welcomed me in their house and my mother had prepared some tea and coffee. My father was like _'Cookie are you pregnant?_ '" She imitates her father's deep voice and Brittany squeezes her shoulder.

"But then I said no and that it wasn't gonna happen anytime soon or well – ever. My mother stared at me like I was some alien and then I burst into tears because I was about to break their hearts. Then I just told them."

Brittany presses her lips together because she can hear the pain in Santana's voice. She shouldn't feel bad for breaking her parents' hearts – parents _have_ to understand if their daughter makes a decision like this even if it hurts!

"My mother cried, too and my father just stared out of the window. After endless long minutes he turned towards me and said that he was beyond disappointed. He can't understand why I would leave someone like Gabe and why I would ruin my life so recklessly without thinking about the consequences. He said I'll never find someone like Gabe ever again, especially not once I'm divorced."

Brittany hisses and shakes her head.

"Please... it's the twenty-first century." She mumbles and takes Santana's hand into hers. "You don't believe it, right? That's complete bullshit. Excuse my language but come on."

Santana chuckles and softly sobs at the same time, slowly nodding her head.

"I know but it still hurts if your dad says something like that to your face."

"I see… but let me assure you – you'll never have trouble finding someone." She has to swallow when Santana looks up and their eyes lock. Her chest stings when she thinks of Santana finding a new man – or anyone. Because that's not what she was trying to say.

"I'm not really looking for someone." Santana whispers and Brittany bites her lip. She has to look away from those brown eyes because – ouch.

"Right" She breathes and swallows the lump in her throat. Of course Santana is not looking for someone – she's about to get divorced. Why did she think there might be the slightest chance that they could be something?

"No, I mean-" Santana turns her body towards Brittany and reaches for her cheek with her free hand. Her thumb caresses over Brittany's skin and Santana's eyes switch back and forth between there and Brittany's eyes. "I…"

Brittany's heart jumps when a finger strokes over her lips and they hang at each other's glances, both waiting for Santana to finish her sentence.

When the brunette opens her mouth and Brittany holds her breath, they get interrupted by a buzzing device between their bodies.

"Oh" Santana mumbles an apology and reaches into her pocket. She pulls out her mobile and scrunches her eyebrows. "It's a message from Kurt. He's wondering where I am."

Brittany chuckles. On one hand because Kurt is already worrying about Santana and on the other because the moment got ruined. What was Santana about to say?

"I'll just quickly let him know." Santana says and lets go of Brittany's hand to type a reply.

Brittany uses the time to breathe and gather her thoughts. Maybe she should get them a glass of wine? Santana brought a bottle and they completely forgot about it over sushi. But then Santana probably won't be able to drive home. Should she offer her to stay the night? But then what? Are they gonna sleep in bed together and just…

What does it all mean? Does this thing even need a label? Maybe she should just enjoy without thinking so much.

Only when something boops her nose, she realizes that Santana has put her phone away and smiles sheepishly.

"Did you just boop my nose?" Brittany asks with a grin and the brunette shrugs softly.

"It's kinda cute so…"

"What? My nose?"

"Yeah. Don't you think?"

"You're asking me if I think my own nose is cute?"

Santana clicks her tongue and rolls her eyes playfully. She cups Brittany's hand and their pinkies link together almost automatically. Brittany can't believe that this has sort of turned into their thing. Linking pinkies? Like… _pinkies?_ That's so… sweet.

"Can I ask you something?" Santana whispers and looks down at their fingers.

"Yeah"

"Alright uhm…" Brittany watches how Santana becomes nervous and bites on her bottom lip. "Actually I don't know _how_ to ask."

Brittany frowns and parts her lips, not sure what to say to that when the Latina still stares down at their hands.

"Oh uhm… okay. Is it something about work?" Maybe she can help her by guessing.

Santana shakes her head. "No"

"Is it about me?"

"Yes, sort of. I mean, not just you."

"Then… me _and_ you?"

Santana nods tentatively and Brittany's heart makes another jump. "Okay. You mean about us and… what happened?"

"Yes" Santana mumbles and throws a glance up into Brittany's eyes.

"As in what it _means_?"

"U-huh?"

"Alright. That's good because I've been wondering, too."

Their eyes lock and there is a shade of hope showing on Santana's face.

"You have?"

"Yes… of course. I can't stop thinking about what happened but at the same time I don't want to pressure you by asking what it means because you're having enough to worry about with Gabe and your parents."

Santana turns her head bit more towards Brittany which leaves their faces close together.

"You can't stop thinking about it… in a good way?" She asks hesitantly and causes Brittany to chuckle.

"Yes in a good way, silly."

"Oh" Santana grins and blushes a little bit when Brittany leans in and kisses her cheekbone.

Her lips linger longer than she planned but Santana's skin just tastes too sweet. Her lips wander down and plant another kiss to the softness of her cheek and another on her beautiful jaw. With one hand she reaches into Santana's hair and softly grabs the back of her neck and with the other she cups her cheek to pull her closer.

"I really can't stop thinking about kissing your lips because they are amazing." She whispers and rests her forehead against Santana's. She hears a soft sigh and senses how Santana's fingers wrap around her wrist. "I can't help it… today at the coffee machine I almost leaned in to kiss you."

True… there had been a moment when they were talking about Santana's parents. Santana seemed truly desperate and so Brittany's lips brushed against her forehead just because they were standing so close. Caught up in the moment, she had almost tried to kiss her but then Santana remembered Shelby's coffee. Luckily. It probably would have looked a little weird if she had just kissed Santana in the cafeteria.

"I know…" Santana breathes and her glance drops to Brittany's lips. "Still feel the urge?"

"To what?"

"To kiss me."

Brittany swallows thickly when Santana is obviously reading her mind.

"Yeah I do."

"Maybe you should do something about it then."

"You mean as in kissing you?" Brittany asks honestly wondering. Can she just kiss Santana when she feels like it? Technically it has happened before. She has just kissed her without asking for permission on the terrace of the Sylvester building. Or the first time on Santana's couch. God what was she thinking back then? She had kissed her out of nowhere with tears all over her cheeks.

"Yes" Santana whispers and sucks in her bottom lip to prepare herself. "Or actually… _I_ could kiss _you_?"

It makes Brittany laugh softly because they've been talking about kissing each other but still haven't done it.

"If you want to? I totally wouldn't mind-" She gets stopped by soft lips on her own. Nothing could shut her up better.

Santana's arms wrap around Brittany's neck and her weight presses delicately into her side. Their lips play with each other shyly at first until Brittany needs more and asks for access by tickling Santana's lips with her tongue.

They smile against each other when the kiss turns more intense and Brittany sinks down to lie on her back. Since Santana's arms are still around her neck, she gets pulled with her and lands on top of Brittany.

She can't describe the feeling that is rushing through her mind and body when she holds Santana in her arms like that and wraps her legs around the slim waist. Her fingernails tickle the skin on Santana's arms and her lips already feel puffy and bit sore but in the best way possible.

The way Santana hungrily kisses her and lies on top of her so confidently… why does she live with Kurt again?

"You know…" Santana pants when she breaks away from the kiss and supports her weight on her elbows. Brittany opens her eyes and smirks when she sees the blush on Santana's cheeks. "We still haven't gotten any further about that… that question. You know, about us."

But she leans down and kisses Brittany once more before she even gets an answer.

"Sorry" She mumbles when she pulls back once more and grins down at Brittany. "But you're way too good at this."

"I'm not complaining at all." Brittany husks and tries to control her breathing. "But you're right, we probably should try and find out what it all means instead of making out."

"Yeah" Santana grins and puts her head in the palm of her hand, looking down at Brittany lovingly. "But how do we do that?" She asks and knits her eyebrows together.

"Uhm maybe we should tell each other what we… think when we're together? I mean when we're spending time together?"

Santana seems to be thinking about this and tilts her head to the side.

"You mean like… what we're feeling at that time?"

"Yes. Like that."

"Okay… what do you feel then?"

"Oh uh… you mean when we're spending time together?"

Santana chuckles and nods softly.

"That's what you just suggested, remember?"

"Right but now I realize that I'm not really good at this. At expressing my feelings."

"Why not?"

"Because… it's been a while. I'm bit rusty when it comes to that."

"Okay. No problem, maybe I should start?"

Brittany bobs her head and smiles encouragingly, glad that Santana is willing to go first. "Ok… whenever we spend time together like right now… I feel really good" She bites her lip and Brittany can't help but grin widely. "And… I kind of don't wanna go. And the way you kiss me makes my knees go weak and I want to knit you a scarf or something."

Brittany bursts with laughter at the Latina's last phrase and the way she says it so sweetly. Three seconds later she regrets her outburst and stops laughing immediately.

"Oh no" Santana mumbles and hides her face. "I said that out loud, didn't I? The thing with the scarf?"

Brittany nods and wraps her legs tighter around the brunette's waist.

"I didn't _actually_ mean knitting a scarf, just… you know." Santana mumbles with a blush and buries her face in the crook of Brittany's neck embarrassed.

"Actually I would love a scarf." Brittany replies with a chuckle and lets her hand wander over Santana's back. "I would wear it all the time."

This time it's Santana who snorts with laughter and pokes Brittany's ribs.

"Shut up…" She mumbles and breathes against Brittany's neck.

"Well…" Brittany speaks up because now that Santana said she would knit her a scarf, she needs to get it together and tell her what she feels when they're spending time. It can't be that hard. "What I feel when we're together is-" She bites her lips and closes her eyes for a second before saying what's on her mind. Luckily Santana can't see her face right now. "Is that I'm so crazy about you."

She holds her breath when she doesn't know what Santana will say next. Was that too much?

Slowly she senses how Santana lifts her head and then she gets to look into her face. She's smiling softly and Brittany sighs a breath of relief.

"Really?" She whispers and looks back and forth between Brittany's eyes and lips.

"Yeah" Is everything she gets to say because her lips are already busy kissing Santana back two seconds later.

It feels like hours that they lie on the couch and 'talk' about their feelings. And by talking she means kissing.

Maybe it wasn't much that they said today. Maybe it wasn't very informative.

But she knows that Santana feels good when they're together and that's everything she needs to know right now.

They will somehow figure it out. Even if it means that they have to make out on her couch from time to time instead of talking because she can so live with that.

* * *

 **Chapter 16 *Dances***

 _ **Santana's POV…**_

What a day… I don't know what it is about Fridays but somehow they always seem to be the most exhausting ones. Maybe because it's still not Saturday?

I've been pondering about the weekdays for the past ten minutes just so I don't have to step out of my car and get inside my house. Or well… my old house.

This morning I called Gabe and asked if I could come by earlier than planned because there are some things that I just really need now. My laptop has been dead since yesterday evening because I forgot the charger and I simply didn't have enough space to pack _all_ my clothes when I left Gabe – to stay with Brittany.

With a deep sigh I get out of the car and slowly make my way to the front door. I throw a glance to my left and into our rose garden which causes me to swallow a lump in my throat. I love that rose garden… I love this house. I always said it's too big to take care of and too expensive but at the end of the day, I always loved coming back here after work because simply; it's beautiful. Without thinking, I make a few steps into the garden and stop by the first rose I can reach. I touch it carefully, not to hurt the weak blossom. When was the last time it was raining or that I watered them?

I miss it. And I miss Gabe… I'm not quite sure what it is though. I don't actually miss being physically close to him because we never were one of those couples who can't take their hands off each other.

But I guess I miss the knowing that there was somebody who shared a home with me. Somebody who made it possible to always return to this place of security or once again; _stability_. Simplicity even…

But then again those were reasons why I _wasn't_ happy anymore. Everything had become so normal. Nothing challenged me and Gabe. Nothing left fighting for.

Every sane person would say to me now: 'Are you stupid? Why would you want a challenge? Why can't you just be happy with what you got?'

But I don't mean it like that when I say I need a challenge. What I mean is… I need something that asks so much more of me than feeling save. Something more than feeling just ok. More than feeling _comfortable_ with someone.

I want those feelings to go much deeper. I want them to reach my most inner possessions. Want someone to ask all of my emotions, make me feel alive and ready. I want someone to steal my heart…

I shake my head to get rid of those thoughts because that's not why I'm here. I need to get my things and talk to Gabe.

So I leave the garden and make my way to the front door and it feels strange to use the bell. I have never used this bell before. But just stepping inside without any warning would feel weird, too.

Gabe opens the door a couple seconds later and he wordlessly motions for me to come inside.

"Hi" I say weakly because God this feels weird.

"Hey" He replies just as low and closes the door once I step inside. "Do you want something to drink?" He asks but I can tell by his voice that he's just being friendly. He probably wants me to leave as fast as possible and it hurts a little.

I was hoping so much that we could try and be friends but I guess that was quite naïve of me to think. We're still married. It's too soon.

"No, thanks. I'm not thirsty."

He nods and then I see a big suitcase in the middle of the living room. It's open and from where I'm standing, I can see some clothes and beauty products in there.

"I already got some things ready that I knew you'd need. But feel free to go everywhere and take what's yours. I don't know exactly how we can split everything." He mumbles and scratches his head.

He looks extremely tired and I can tell that he's wearing this shirt for the third day in a row. It's impossible that he doesn't have any clean clothes left already! I wonder who will teach him how to do the laundry.

"Well… right now I just need my belongings. I live with Kurt for the next couple weeks and my room is fully furnished, so I won't need anything else. Maybe we can split some things when I'm looking for my own apartment? I mean basically it's all yours since you paid for everything but… some of the wedding gifts and stuff you need in the kitchen."

"Santana – just because I paid for many things doesn't mean that they only belong to me. You used everything all the time when you cooked for me or cleaned the house. We'll just have to take a closer look and see what we need to buy for a second household."

I bite my lip and look up into Gabe's eyes. He shrugs softly and I almost don't dare to ask. But I have to.

"So you… you wouldn't mind supporting me? I mean financially?" He shakes his head and then makes a couple steps into the living room.

"That's what you do when you split up, right? It's not like we're Paul McCartney and… what's her name?"

"Heather Mills?" I chuckle and Gabe grins tiredly.

"Yeah… well you can count on me, okay? It's gonna work out somehow. Right now you just keep using the access to our bank account if you buy food or need anything else. And then later we can see how this thing called alimony works, I guess."

I nod and slowly, with an aching lump in my throat, I make my way through the living room.

"Okay… thank you." I don't know what else to say. I simply don't know so I approach the bathroom to go see if there are some things he forgot. Once I'm in there, I close the door behind me and try to hold back the crying fit that wants to come over me. I didn't know I could feel so lost. I only manage to hold back by burying my face in the crook of my elbow and holding on to the sink so I won't collapse on the floor.

* * *

I grip the steering wheel so desperately tight because my fingers would be trembling otherwise. When Gabe and I said goodbye ten minutes ago, there was a tear in his eye and when he opened the door for me, he pulled me into a hug before I could step outside.

It was a tight hug but he let go two seconds later. And then without another word I walked away and only now I'm starting to breathe again.

This sucks… and I wish we were already much farther in the process but I can't do anything else than accepting the fact that break-ups… _suck_.

But I'm okay now. I can totally handle the lump in my throat, seeing Gabe's sad face in front of my inner eye, the memory of my disappointed father, the picture of my mother crying, the imagination of Gabe's parents flipping out, the tight feeling in my chest, the sorrows I still have, the fear of not knowing about my future…

I can handle the demolition of a marriage.

I can handle missing Brittany when there is already so much other stuff to worry about…

Confusion fills me and I think I could cry a lake when I realize I just parked my car in front of the Sylvester building. Again.

I must have been so filled up with all those thoughts and worries that I didn't even know where I was driving. Instead of heading back to Kurt's after picking up my stuff, I came back to work.

"God damned!" I yell into the silence of my car and hit the steering wheel. "Damned, damned, damned! What's my fucking problem?"

I don't care that there is no one who can answer me. All I know is that tears are streaming down my cheeks and the frustration takes over me. I keep hitting things around me, including my thighs until a knock on my window almost gives me a heart attack.

At first I can't make out who is standing outside of my car because my vision is so blurry and the slowly setting sun is still intense.

"Santana?"

It's Quinn and when I realize that she must have seen me basically throwing a tantrum, I try to wipe the tears but it's too late.

"Santana what's wrong? Open the door." Her voice is muffled because the windows are up but I pretend to not have heard her. How can I possibly explain this? I don't want people to think that I can't handle this because it's me who started everything. It was _me_ who said I don't want kids. It was me who left Gabe's and my house.

It was me who begged Brittany not to stop when she was about to touch me for the first time and it was me who developed feeling for her although there is no room for her in my crippled life!

I fumble on the keys and try to start the engine because Quinn won't understand… she probably thinks that Gabe and I will still end up together. She doesn't know how safe and wanted Brittany has made me feel in the past couple weeks. She couldn't understand…

"Santana!" Suddenly Quinn's voice sounds very clear and strong because apparently she has opened the door from outside once I managed to turn on the engine. "Turn it off!"

I do as she says and then hide my face in my hands because I'm so embarrassed. I'm crying like a toddler and now I'll have to explain to Quinn because she's not going to let me go like this.

"Why are you crying?" I hear the confusion, compassion and surprise in her voice and I slowly shake my head, still not showing her my face. "Santana get out of the car – what the hell is going on? Did you hit someone with your car again?"

A trembling sob escapes my lip at the irony of that and Quinn apologizes by kneeling down next to me and grabbing my wrists.

"Santana, look at me…" She carefully but determinedly tugs at my wrists and eventually I give in. "Jesus" She exhales and grips my shoulder. "What happened, sweetie? Please say something."

She sounds so desperate that I finally force myself to look into her eyes. I shrug desperately and point to my ring finger that is no longer wearing a wedding ring.

"It's Gabe" I whisper with tears and then cup the place where my heart aches badly to emphasize my other reason: "And Brittany…"

The confusion is written over Quinn's face and she slowly shakes her head.

"Brittany? I don't understand… are you saying that she and Gabe are having an affair?"

"Oh no" I breathe and swallow the tears that run down my cheeks and into my mouth. "No…"

Quinn's hand takes mine into hers and she squeezes it tightly.

"Santana you obviously can't drive home now. Why are you still here anyways? You left our office over an hour ago. Have you been sitting here all the time?"

I shake my head and Quinn gently pulls me out of the car.

"Come on… the cafeteria is still open until the cleaning ladies are done with everything. We can sit inside and I'll buy you a cup of coffee. Then you're gonna tell me what happened."

It's not like I know what to say to object and so I let her take the keys out of my hand and lock the car. She puts an arm around my shoulders and guides me back inside the building.

* * *

I know Quinn is staring at me and dying to know what I'm about to say next. We've been sitting at one of the giant lunch tables for the past twenty minutes, a steaming cup of coffee in both our hands and Quinn hanging on every word I say.

I just told her about my encounter with Gabe, how my parents reacted to the news, how lost I've been feeling… and that I spent the whole last weekend with Brittany. Quinn then asked how it comes that Brittany and I are suddenly such close friends and now she's waiting for me to explain.

"We're… we're not really what you'd call _'friends'_ I guess." I mumble and the pace of my heartbeat picks up. Am I going to tell her about me and Brittany? Is this a good idea? But it'll eat me up from the inside if I don't tell anyone.

"What do you mean? That you still don't like each other? But then why would you stay at her place?"

"No it's… It's the other way round. I _do_ like her." I close my eyes for a second and then glance up into Quinn's. "I like her _a lot_."

Quinn narrows her eyes and she slowly shakes her head.

"Still not getting it." She mumbles and causes me to sigh deeply.

"We slept together. But it's not just that – when I'm with her, I finally know-"

"WHAT?" Quinn's mouth is hanging open and she blinks at me several times. "You… you did what?!"

"I know this probably doesn't make sense right now and seriously I can't blame you for not understanding but…" The heat is wandering over my cheeks and it's getting harder to breathe.

"Oh I _understand_ you." Quinn states and still stares at me in shock. "You just said that you slept with Brittany."

"Yeah… Look, I don't know what it means, either. Somehow we've had this connection ever since we met-"

"Uh may I remind you that Brittany almost murdered you with her glances for days after you hit her with her car?" Quinn asks in disbelief. I can't help but chuckle at that because it's true.

"I know but then things happened. We kissed… and my heart began to jump again. I've never felt this way, Quinn. I don't know what's happening to me."

"You're moving like a freight train, that's what's happening to you." She replies and stares at me with a blank expression.

"Q..." I mumble with a sigh and cup my cheeks with my hands. "I have no idea."

For the next five minutes we're just sitting in front of each other, sipping coffee or staring into space. At least Quinn is not flipping out. I half expected her jumping at me and trying to strangle me or something.

"So… but everything you said about you and Gabe not being happy for quite a while – you didn't make that up because of Brittany, right?" Quinn asks and my eyes widen.

"No! Of course not! I also would have been unhappy with my marriage if Brittany hadn't showed up in my life. It was really just a matter of time that Gabe and I would have addressed the topic. Of course now that these things have happened Brittany is a part of the puzzle and I can't deny that she's another reason why I don't wanna go back – ever."

Quinn studies my face for a long while and eventually nods softly.

"I see… but the one thing I still don't understand is how come you're attracted to Brittany? I mean… she's a woman. I always thought Gabe was your first and only relationship?"

"That's true. Sort of… I once had a fling with one of my girlfriends at high school but I thought that was sort of a phase thing. And then I met Gabe. It didn't matter anymore."

"Does that mean you're bisexual? Like… are you still attracted to men?"

I sigh and support my head in the palm of my hand.

"I don't know. I just know that I can't stop thinking about Brittany and that I'm not attracted to anyone else."

Quinn pulls a face and crosses her arms in front of her chest.

"Are you saying you're not attracted to _me_? I mean Brittany's blonde, I'm blonde… we both have boobs, so…"

We burst into laughter when I realize Quinn is messing with me and boy it feels good to joke about it. The whole sexuality thing – I haven't even had time to think about it. Maybe I'll never know what I truly am. Or maybe I can just take things as they are, go with the flow… and not worry about which label suits me best.

I'm just me – maybe it's okay.

* * *

 _ **The next Monday… Brittany…**_

This stupid computer program! Why did she volunteer to help out at the online edition of the Sylvester? She's good with synchronizing a memory stick with the hard drive or typing at least one hundred words per minute but this? What was she thinking?

"I need a break." She mumbles to no one but herself and gets up from her chair. Screw the guy who begged her for help with this layout stuff. They'll have to take care of it themselves.

With quick steps she leaves her office and hurries towards the stairs to get to the cafeteria but she slows down midway when she passes Santana's office.

She smiles inwardly – and probably outside, too when she thinks of the interactions they've shared since Santana came over to make Sushi.

They lay on Brittany's couch for hours… at one point the Latina even fell asleep on top of her and they listened to each other's heartbeats, knowing that they didn't need words to describe their situation. It was good.

When they said goodbye at Brittany's door it was already after midnight and Brittany leaned in for a kiss on the cheek but Santana slowly shook her head and pulled Brittany closer for a soft kiss on the lips.

"A goodnight kiss…" She had whispered and Brittany's heart was beating out of her chest because she realized that she loved goodnight kisses.

Then on Saturday they emailed during the day and Santana confessed that she had told Quinn about them. Brittany wasn't mad about it. Actually she was glad that Santana had found someone to talk to. Maybe it might help Santana find out what she wants?

Not that she's trying to pressure Santana. She can wait. If there is a chance… she can wait.

Maybe she could ask Santana if she's up for a break and a cup of coffee, too? She lifts her fist to knock on the door to Santana's and Quinn's office when she sees that the door is left ajar. With a smirk she wants to push it open and see if the brunette is inside but stops when she hears her own name mentioned.

 _"So have you seen Brittany on the weekend?"_ She hears Quinn's challenging voice and raises her eyebrows. They're talking about her? Amused she ponders whether she should stay and listen to what the two friends have to say or if she should just leave because it's not very polite to eavesdrop.

With a headshake she makes a step away from the door but holds still when she hears Santana's voice and she can tell that the Latina is smiling.

"No, we just texted… but that's ok, I don't want to be all clingy already, you know?"

Quinn chuckles and Brittany hears the noise of someone typing something on the keypad of their computer.

"Already? What do you by 'already' Santana? Are you saying you could imagine it _eventually_?"

"Imagine what?"

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Could you imagine something serious with Brittany?"

Brittany holds her breath because this is definitely not meant for her to hear but then again she sort of wants to know what Santana thinks.

"Something serious? You mean like…"

"Like dating, San. Could you imagine dating her?"

Brittany's throat is dry and she can hear her own heartbeat. Last chance to get out of here – oh, too late…

"Quinn, don't ask me that!"

"Why not?"

"Because! It's way too soon to think about something like that."

"No, it's not, Santana. She's around _now_. So if you're interested, you should better go for it."

"But I don't even know if that's what she wants. And besides… I'm going through separation; I don't think I'll be ready to date any time soon."

Brittany bites her bottom lip and scratches her forehead. Of course… that's nothing new, right?

"But you and Gabe are obviously very over. Why not enjoy and have some fun?"

"Because Brittany is not some joke to me, ok? I'm not playing with her."

"Well… after what I hear from Rachel, maybe Brittany wouldn't be opposed to that."

Brittany knits her eyebrows together because she doesn't know what Quinn is trying to say with that. What's going on? Why is Rachel talking to Quinn about her?

"What do you mean?" Sounds Santana's insecure voice and Brittany feels incredibly nervous all of a sudden. She could knock on the door and stop their conversation but she wants to know what Rachel said about her. Rachel – her friend.

"Apparently Brittany has been quite a player in the past… Rachel says she's had so many hook ups that she lost counting."

Thud – thud – thud… Brittany's heart is hammering against her ribcage.

There is silence from inside the office and Brittany swallows thickly. Santana doesn't need to know about that phase in her past. Or maybe Brittany would have told her eventually but in a different kind of way. Yeah, she slept around and yes – it meant nothing to her. She used those girls to have fun and clear her head. But she would have explained it to Santana differently. This is part of her past – it has nothing to do with Santana!

"What are you saying?" Santana asks and her voice snaps Brittany back to where she's standing in front of the door.

"I'm saying that you can enjoy what the two of you apparently have found in each other but you should be careful. You might be just another one of her adventures."

Brittany's heart feel like it's getting ripped apart. This is so not what this is! And if she didn't feel a terrible lump in her throat that makes breathing ridiculously difficult, then she would step into that room and tell Quinn what a bitch she is.

But she can't speak without starting to cry right now, she knows it. Even though she's mad as hell – she's only going to cry if she sees the disappointment in Santana's eyes when she finds out it's true.

How can Rachel do this to her? And why isn't Santana saying anything? Brittany runs her hands through her hair and with a final headshake she steps away from the door and storms off.

* * *

 _ **Santana's POV… later that day…**_

Finally I step out of the Sylvester building and the sun tickles my nose when I make my way to the parking lots.

Shelby almost didn't want to let me go and stole my last nerve… this day is really shitty and it's only Monday. I feel like taking a couple days off and go somewhere far away where I don't have to think about all her special wishes or another job to do.

Actually I love working for the Sylvester because other than Shelby, the people are really nice and I learn a lot. But lately it's been nothing but stressful. And it's not like work is the only thing keeping my mind busy. I don't know what to think about what Quinn said to me today.

Brittany seems everything else but a player…

"Brittany" I exhale surprised because just when I was thinking about her, blonde hair catches my attention and I see Brittany standing next to my car.

I smile at her because we haven't seen each other since sushi dinner and it's really good to look at her. What Quinn said about her past is suddenly not so important. But Brittany's not smiling back, instead she looks nervous.

"Hi" She says lowly and looks to the ground. She fumbles on the car keys in her hand and when I step closer, she clears her throat.

"Are you ok?" I ask and reach out for her wrist but Brittany ignores my hand, so I drop it.

"Uhm not really, actually. I… I'm just gonna be honest now because it's eating me up inside. I heard you and Quinn talking in your office today because the door was left ajar and actually I wanted to ask if you're up for coffee but then I heard my name and… Santana, I can explain."

My lips have parted and I'm trying to process the words that Brittany just said. She heard us? When Quinn told me those things? Like everything?

"Brittany I don't believe what Quinn says-"

"But it's true, ok?"

"Oh"

"Yeah… and even though it's true, Quinn didn't have the right to say it. I mean… that was quite a low move of her."

I raise my eyebrows because technically it was _Rachel_ who made the low move.

"I guess Quinn was just trying to be honest after what she had heard from Rachel." I mumble and bite my tongue because Brittany looks even bitterer than before.

"But it's different if Rachel tells a _friend_ or if this friend tells _you_. I mean that's not fair!"

I realize that Brittany is boiling with anger inside and it almost seems as if she's mad at me, too.

"Brittany… I guess it wasn't okay of any of them to talk behind your back but probably it had nothing to do with doing _you_ harm and Quinn just wanted to… wanted to-"

"Warn you?" She finishes my sentence and our eyes lock for a painful couple seconds. "Well then, there you go." She shrugs weakly and before I can say anything else to either defend myself or _her_ or anyone – Brittany turns around and with quick steps she walks away.

* * *

Miserable… this is the word that describes best how I feel right now. Kurt just asked me over dinner how I'm feeling but if I tell him that I'm miserable, then I'll have to explain and I'm too exhausted to do that.

"Yeah, I'm okay. But what about you? We hardly ever talk about you. What's happening in Kurt's life these days?" I ask with a smirk but once he's babbling something, I only manage to pay attention for the first ten seconds.

I can't stop thinking about what happened after work. How Brittany seemed so endlessly mad and angry inside and how she managed to look vulnerable and lost at the same time. Why did she have to hear what Quinn was telling me? Why do I always forget to see if the door really closes behind me? I could have prevented this from happening.

But why did Brittany just walk away? We could have talked about it. Why was she angry at me…

"Santana?" Kurt's voice sounds from far away and I try to remember what he was talking about. Something about a Dave-guy that he is currently dating? "You know if you want to know what is happening in my life, then maybe you should also listen instead of daydreaming about whatever or whoever is keeping your mind so busy."

He smiles sweetly at me and I apologize for zoning out.

"Kurt, what were you saying? It won't happen again, I'm sorry." He chuckles and cups my hand.

"Don't worry, it was nothing important. How about dessert?" He gets up from his kitchen chair and steps in front of the fridge. "I think there is some ice cream left."

I want to say that ice cream sounds fabulous but my buzzing phone on the kitchen table distracts me. Especially when I see _'New message from Pierce Brittany'_ lighten up the small screen.

I grab the phone and quickly open Brittany's message, forgetting about Kurt's ice cream.

 _ **\- That wasn't the smoothest move of me, either. Sorry I walked away. I'm at Puck's bar and he's annoying me – can I invite you for a drink to make up? *puppy face***_

I shake my head at Brittany's text but can't help and chuckle softly. Puppy face…

So she's not really mad at me?

"Hey Kurt… have you ever been to Puck's bar? You know, the guy we met when we ran into Brittany a while ago and then we all played pool?"

Kurt reaches me a spoon and places a giant bucket of chocolate ice cream on the kitchen table.

"Oh you mean the _**'Puck O'clock'**_ _?_ Yeah Mike and I actually just went there last week to check it out. It's really nice. Why?"

"Brittany just texted me if I want to come for a drink. What do you say? Nice beer after some good ice cream?"

But Kurt shakes his head quickly and point to his watch.

"I already haven't slept enough last night. I really should get to bed early today. But you should go – it's a great bar. Very easy to hang out and just relax. And I'm sure you and Brittany are gonna have fun, right?"

A rush of excitement fills my stomach because I hope so. But I'm still not sure what the happenings of this afternoon mean. What if I learn crazy stories about her past?

So what... I don't think anything that happens between me and Brittany can shock me anymore because we already represent quite a range of 'interesting things' that we went through together.

Fifteen minutes later I have changed into fresh clothes, brushed my hair and teeth and put on my favorite perfume. Am I dressing up for Brittany? Oh well…

The car ride to the "Puck O'clock" is quick because Kurt described perfectly well where I'll find it and once I step inside, I get welcomed by nice lounge music and awesome blue light that shines down from the ceiling somewhere and illuminates a huge bar with stools. There are also small tables surrounded by comfortable looking leather seats and some people are playing pool or darts in the back.

Not many tables are taken tonight and when I let my eyes wander over the counter, I spot Brittany sitting on one of the stools and laughing with Puck who is opposite her behind the bar.

I bite my lip because somehow I'm nervous now and slowly I make my way over to them.

Puck is first to see me and he winks at me over Brittany's shoulder. She must have seen his action and when she turns her upper body around, a warm smile forms on her lips.

"Hey…" She says softly and I mirror her words and her smile. She's got her hair in a ponytail and there is a blue shimmer to it because of the lights above us. She points to the empty stool next to her and when I take it, Puck leans over the counter.

"What can I get you, Santana?" He asks with a smirk.

"A coke would be great, thanks." I reply and Puck bows ridiculously.

"Gimme ten secs." He says and turns away to get me my drink.

Brittany and I throw a glance at each other and I can tell we're both trying to say something but it really just takes Puck ten seconds until he's back in my face and places a giant glass of coke in front of me.

"There you go, beautiful." He says and earns a glare from Brittany which makes me grin quite hard. "Anyways, I've got customers…" Puck mumbles and leaves us alone.

"Did you find it right away?" Brittany asks once he's gone and throws another look at me. A shyer one this time.

"Oh yeah, was no problem. I love this already actually. Puck has some taste." I look around and Brittany nods acknowledging.

"He and his partner worked hard for it and it's Puck's whole pride. But also he put so much effort into it because he wants his ex girlfriend to see he's got himself a steady business. They have a son together but she doesn't want him to be in his life."

I raise my eyebrows in surprise because I didn't know Puck had a child.

"Oh wow that must be hard for him."

"Yeah… it was a super nasty break up a couple years ago and that's why they don't talk to each other anymore. Puck would love to see his son but he doesn't really stand a chance. She keeps moving from town to town."

I watch how Puck serves a couple and I imagine a tiny version of him with the exact same Mohawk.

Something strokes my arm and when I look down I find Brittany's hand on my elbow. I steer my glance up to hers and I melt a little bit when she looks at me the way she does.

"I'm sorry…" She breathes and squeezes bit tighter. I cup her hand with my free one and warmth shoots up my arm. "I was really angry this afternoon because I can't believe that Rachel goes talking behind my back like that. But Quinn was obviously just doing what every friend would do. I didn't mean to let it out on you."

"Well… I'm pretty sure I would have reacted the same way. Don't worry, I've already forgotten about it."

Brittany presses her lips together and then they form into a smile.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah… and I don't just mean the fact that you walked away. Also what Quinn said… I don't care."

I watch how Brittany swallows and she softly shakes her head.

"But what she said really doesn't make me look good. I feel like I have to explain to you some things about my past."

"Brittany…" My thumb runs over the back of her hand and she moves a little closer until our shoulders are touching and I can hear the breath that leaves her lips. "I do want to know more about you. I guess that automatically includes your past and if you also want to know more about mine, I'd be happy to tell you. But it doesn't have to be tonight…"

Somehow her forehead has found my temple and when our heads rest together, I close my eyes for a while.

"You smell good." She whispers and I chuckle when her breath tickles my cheek.

"That's what you said when we were lying on your couch after sushi… it's the same perfume." I mumble and when I open my eyes, I find Brittany looking back at me, our faces still close together.

"You put it on for me?" She grins sheepishly and when I wink at her she laughs softly. "Oh man…" She mutters and slowly shakes her head.

"What?"

"Nothing… I just love that perfume, I guess."

We remain in our flirty position and sip from our drinks every now and then, listening to the chillout music in the background and our fingers are playing with each other on my arm.

After what feels like a long time, Brittany pulls away and throws a glance over her shoulder.

"Do you wanna dance?" She asks sweetly when she points to the back of the room.

"Dance?" I ask and follow the direction she points.

"Yeah, there's this amazing old-fashioned section in the back with a jukebox and a dance floor for couples to dance." Brittany throws a look at me and tilts her head to the side.

"Couples?" I ask and Brittany closes her eyes in embarrassment.

"Or you know – friends. Or people who just like to dance in general. Or strangers who happen to be in the mood, basically anyone." She corrects herself and I chuckle when she avoids my glance.

"What about those two ladies at the bar who happen to be very attracted to each other?" I whisper and I'm surprised about my own words.

Brittany's eyes widen when she finally looks back at me and grins impishly.

"Oh especially those…" She mumbles and takes my hand into hers once she's gotten up from her chair. "Come on" She says with another tilt of her head. "People here are very cool. They don't care who dances with whom and what gender." She smirks and tugs at my hand.

I hop down from my stool and let her pull me to the back into this secretive dance area.

She guides me through a saloon door and I make big eyes when I see she was right. There are only two couples slowly dancing to a song that I happen to love.

"You're not being shy, are you?" Brittany teases when I'm still standing by the door and she's softly pulling at my hand.

"I just haven't heard this song in years but it used to be one of my favorites." Brittany looks up and seems to be listening to the melody.

"What's it called?"

"Songbird… but Eva Cassidy's version. It's so beautiful." I say and finally give in to Brittany's tugging.

"Perfect song then." She speaks softly and pulls me close to her. The hand that is not holding mine in hers finds rest on my lower back and just like in the movies we start moving to the soft guitar tones and the singer's voice.

I chuckle because this is SO utterly cheesy and I hold on to her shoulder.

"What?" Brittany whispers into my ear and pulls back a little so we can look into each other's eyes. I grin at what I'm about to say because she'll probably think I'm a fool.

"I totally feel like Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner in 'The Bodyguard' right now…" I mumble and Brittany grins funnily, too.

"Is that a good thing or not?" She asks and her eyes wander between mine and my lips.

"It's a good thing. I love that movie." I whisper and let my forehead rest against her cheekbone because she's bit taller than me.

Warm fingers draw small circles on my back and our hands fit together so perfectly. I really hope Puck's bar doesn't close for another three hours...

* * *

I don't know when we became the last couple standing but when I feel soft lips on my forehead, I open my eyes and see that there are only Brittany and me left on the dance floor.

"We should probably leave soon. It's getting really late." Brittany mumbles unconvinced and kisses my forehead again and then my left cheek.

"Oh… that's too bad. I totally forgot how much I like to dance." I answer when there is another kiss on my right cheek. "How about… how about one more song?"

I can tell there is a pink glow creeping over my cheeks when Brittany kisses them without thinking much and her lips also land on the tip of my nose.

"Okay… one more." She says and our eyes lock when a new song starts playing. "And we could totally make that one special."

I knit my eyebrows together but soon know what she's implying when her eyes are glued to my lips quite suspiciously. My breath hitches when Brittany lets go of my hand and she wraps both her arms tightly around my waist. Automatically I fall around her neck and a sigh leaves my lips when her hands roam over my hips.

I close my eyes when she does so first and three seconds later our lips collide gently for a kiss that I've been craving ever since I stepped into Puck's bar.

I cup her cheek and the skin there is so hot that everything inside me starts racing. My pulse, my heart, the butterflies… they're all trying to be fastest. Our bodies are so incredibly close and I can't believe how well we fit together just by standing in front of each other and slowly swaying to the rhythm of a song.

Her lips are truly the best I've ever kissed and they play so irresistibly with mine until I need to break away for some air. But just for a second…

For the rest of the song (actually it's three more) we keep kissing and holding on to each other's cheeks and hips, desperately because neither wants to let go.

"Santana" Brittany's husky voice sounds right in front of me when our lips eventually part. I'm so drunk with her kisses and touches that she needs to call my name again until I'm fully listening. "Stay the night at my place…" She breathes and it causes goosebumps on my skin – everywhere.

I look up and when her eyes are hanging on mine so wanting and purely, I nod and try to play down the excitement that pools in my chest and my lower stomach.

"Let's get out of here." I whisper and when the last song fades out, Brittany grabs my hand and squeezes it before leading the way…


	5. Part V

**Chapter 17 *Flames***

… _ **Brittany…**_

"Santana" She hears how hoarse her own voice sounds and she needs to swallow before she opens her eyes. That last kiss was so intense while softly swaying to the music in the background and also Santana looks quite numbed, holding on to Brittany's hips.

The brunette has her eyes still closed and Brittany whispers her name again. Brown orbs glance up into her own and the flush on Santana's cheeks makes her melt inside. She doesn't want to go home… she wants to hold that body close to hers all night because it makes her feel so incredibly grounded.

Whenever Santana's hands are on hers, she feels all warm and good. She knows that Santana lives with Kurt now and he'll probably soon be wondering where she is but she'd give anything to be with Santana tonight.

"Stay the night at my place…" She breathes and watches how Santana's eyes widen. Not in shock but with excitement and she nods quickly before she whispers into Brittany's ear that she wants to get out of here. No problem…

She takes Santana's hand into hers and with determined steps she guides the way out of the dancing area and through the bar towards the exit. She always says goodbye to Puck before she leaves but when Santana kisses her shoulder and she senses how her fingers are trembling in Brittany's hand, she knows this is not the time to go look for a mohawk behind the bar.

Instead she pulls Santana's hand up to her lips and presses a kiss there before pushing open the heavy door and leading Santana outside into the dark night.

* * *

Thank God Santana came by car and only had a soda. She only had half of a beer herself but she had taken a cab to the bar as she was counting to get a ride home from Puck.

She throws a glance to her left and sees how Santana's hands are clutching the steering wheel and her eyes are directed to the street in front of them. She seems focused on the traffic but her parted lips and her chest which is visibly moving up and down give her away. Santana looks so nervous but there is nothing to be nervous about.

They stop at a red light and that's when Brittany reaches and wraps her fingers around Santana's wrist.

The brunette shoots a glance at her and she smiles quickly when their fingers intertwine.

"Are you ok?" Brittany asks and watches how Santana nods but also bites her lip.

They both know they are not going back to Brittany's to fall asleep next to each other and that must be why Santana's hand is slightly sweating in hers.

"Hey" She breathes and leans over the middle console to get closer to the jittery brunette. With her free hand she cups Santana's cheek and pulls her in. Four eyes close when Brittany's lips brush against Santana's and a soft sigh sounds from between their mouths.

"Only if you feel ready" She whispers against Santana's cheek and smiles at the humming noise that follows and is probably meant as an approval. Santana's hot breath tickles Brittany's skin when she turns her head to look through the window. "Santana"

"Hm?"

"The light's turned green"

"Okay…"

"Which means you have to drive."

"Oh… oh! Okay, sorry." They pull apart and Santana clears her throat before she steps on the gas and they get over the crossroad.

For the rest of the ride they don't talk, they just send quick glances at each other and Brittany can't believe how long it takes from Puck's bar to her place because there are red lights everywhere! It never takes that long when she's alone…

When Santana finally parks the car in Brittany's street, they step outside and Brittany quickly makes her way to the driver's side.

Santana is waiting there with a bashful expression on her face and dark strays of hair fall into her face. She locks the car and lets the key wander into her purse when Brittany steps next to her and smiles carefully. Santana looks really pretty wearing that blazer and those pearl earrings…

It's already past midnight so it's dark and silent in the neighborhood but her heart is drumming like crazy. When they start walking towards the apartment complex, Brittany feels cold fingers wrap around her own. She frowns because it's actually still warm outside. Or is it just the heat in her face when she thinks about what's gonna happen once they're inside?

"Your hands are cold." She whispers once she closes the apartment door behind Santana and they walk into the dark living room. She steps close in front of Santana and pulls her purse from a slender shoulder, only to throw it onto the couch behind them.

She takes both of Santana's hands into her own and holds them under her chin.

"I can make tea… or do you wanna take a bath?" She suggests and smiles when Santana lets out a soft chuckle.

"No, I don't need a bath." She mumbles and her glance wanders to Brittany's lips. "I guess they're cold because I'm nervous."

"We can also watch TV if you want. Or a DVD… we can also-"

"I wanna go to your bedroom." Her beautiful eyes seem darker than ever before and Brittany swallows when Santana steps even closer to whisper into her ear. "And sleep with you…"

Her eyes flutter close at Santana's words because that sounded seriously sexy and it does a lot to her insides. Something warm pecks her lips and she senses herself being pushed back towards the bedroom. Only when her shoulders hit a wall she opens her eyes and finds Santana grinning sheepishly at her.

"Sorry, wasn't looking." The brunette murmurs and presses her body into Brittany's so she gets sandwiched between Santana and the wall. It feels awesome because it's been a while they were this close physically. Actually it hasn't been that long but it sure feels like it.

She wraps her arms around Santana's neck and lets her hands run through silky raven hair. Since they still haven't bothered to turn on some lights, she can only see Santana's warm smile because they are standing so incredibly close. She grins back at her because she can't help it. Especially when she feels Santana's hands on the small of her back and how they slowly disappear under her shirt. Suddenly her fingers aren't cold anymore.

The skin on skin contact is hot and it causes Brittany's breath to hitch in her throat and her smile to vanish because her lips automatically part as Santana's hands wander up her back.

She presses her lips against Santana's cheek bone and a shaky breath escapes her when she senses one of the Latina's hands roam to her front and how it cups her right breast.

Where did this confident version of Santana come from?

"Sorry" The brunette mumbles and pulls her hand back.

"No, it feels good – please…" She doesn't want to beg Santana to return her hand to where it was so deliciously placed on her chest just a second ago because she doesn't want to seem needy. But it really felt so nice. "You can touch me anywhere."

Like that doesn't sound needy… She presses her eyelids together in slight embarrassment but gets distracted when she feels a hot breath of air hitting her cheek. Shortly after the hand is back on her boob and she sucks in her top lip when Santana squeezes gently.

Warmth fills her chest and it sinks down between her legs when she admits to herself how turned on she gets by that feather-light touch.

"Bed?" She husks and Santana only nods, pulling her hand from underneath Brittany's shirt. Their lips meet for a kiss before they stumble sideways along the wall until they get to the bedroom door and Santana reaches behind Brittany to open it and pushes her inside.

* * *

She still hasn't found out what it is. She doesn't know why Santana has this unbelievable effect on her. She never felt this excited or simply nervous before sleeping with one of her hook ups in the past. Because the only thing they meant to her was a night filled with pleasure and carefree moments. Not once back then did she think about what sex with another person actually means.

Now she can't stop.

Because she didn't grow tired of Santana after the first time. She only wanted more…

Ever since Diane this has never happened. And she can never tell this anybody who knew Di, but the desire she has for Santana goes beyond anything she has ever imagined to feel.

It's like with every light kiss that Santana is currently planting on Brittany's face, a breath of life gets pumped inside of her and she learns what it means to be naked with somebody and not think of anything else but each other's existence and the connection they are slowly but so obviously building.

Santana is sitting in Brittany's lap and she's _shaking_ on top of her. When they stepped into the bedroom, their clothes could not get off each other's bodies fast enough. Still bit shy though, they took turns at pulling their shirts over each other's heads and jeans down their thighs while standing in front of Brittany's bed. When they were only left in their underwear, Brittany quickly turned around and found a candle in a drawer of her bedside table.

She lit it with trembling fingers so they didn't need to turn on the disturbingly bright lamp. The warm flame was just enough.

They took off each other's bras and took care of their panties before meeting in the middle of the mattress where they came together for heated kisses while kneeling in front of each other. It had felt so good that Brittany seriously pondered whether she needed more tonight. She could have sat in front of Santana and kissed her all night because those kisses made everything feel perfect already.

But when she heard Santana's breaths turn heavy and almost desperate, she quickly forgot about that thought of just sitting in front of each other all night. They could do that some other day.

She had made herself comfortable sitting on the covers and pulled Santana into her lap so she was sitting astride her and wrapped her arms around Brittany's neck.

She knew that Santana wanted to be the one to do things to her tonight because she kept stroking her belly and her sides lower but Brittany also sensed that the Latina was insecure about how to touch and where exactly.

So she pulled her on top of her and thought why not show her again… it was too good to miss the opportunity and when Santana started trembling with anticipation, things were sealed.

So now they've been sitting in this position for several minutes where Brittany just enjoys exploring every inch of Santana's skin, letting her hands wander up and down her back. Up to her shoulders and down her sides which are so amazingly curvy. Perfect really…

Meanwhile Santana's hot lips are experimenting new things by sucking on Brittany's jaw delicately and peppering small pecks all over her face, including her eyelids. Again she could do this all night…

It's when Santana's lips return to her own and her kisses become deep and somewhat desperate that Brittany knows; enough with the teasing. She guides her hands to Santana's front and quickly pushes them up until she holds Santana's breasts in them, earning a sigh in return. They feel marvelous.

"Brittany…" Santana moans so softly between two kisses and cants her hips forward. "I don't think I can take it much longer." She mumbles and Brittany instantly feels sorry for making her wait. But everything about Santana's body is so beautiful and deserves attention, she can't just choose one part and neglect the others. She wishes she had more than two hands tonight…

"Okay" She hums and guides her left hand down Santana's abdomen which twitches forcefully under the soft touch.

A whimper leaves Santana's lips when Brittany finally arrives where she needs it the most. She thanks her with furious kisses and fingernails digging into Brittany's shoulders.

She can't believe how amazing Santana feels against her hand and she needs to pull back from the kiss to manage her own breathing. She lets her forehead rest against Santana's collarbone when she arranges her fingers, ready to enter her. But she won't do so without another glance into those brown eyes to make sure she's allowed.

"Yes" Santana whispers and wraps her arms tightly around Brittany's shoulders.

With that Brittany thrusts into her just as careful as the first time and she can't help but smile into the crook of Santana's neck when she feels how wet and warm she is once again. Actually it overwhelms her.

"Oh San" She breathes and holds the other woman close to her with the free hand around her waist. She realizes she just called Santana 'San' and hopes she didn't cross a line. It slipped out…

But it only spurs the Latina to move with her and together they build a rhythm that won't take too long to lead Santana over the edge – she can tell by the way she breathes erratically and squeezes Brittany's hips with her knees. It's glorious. Santana's body and her noises are…

She's not sure but something that sounds like 'so amazing' leaves Santana's red lips and Brittany watches in awe how Santana tilts her head back with her eyes closed.

She engraves the picture in front of her to her mind and thanks the universe for sending the sexiest woman on earth into her life.

Fingers grab her shoulders hard and Santana rests her forehead against Brittany's, her moans filling the room and causing Brittany's heart to race for her. The constant friction between their upper bodies has quickly caused a line of sweat that runs down between Santana's breasts and it mirrors the state the Latina must be in by now; melting and close to burst.

Their lips meet for a salty kiss because Brittany couldn't stop herself from licking the Latina's skin there and Santana's groans get muffled by meaningful kisses.

The thighs that are straddling her start shaking when Brittany's fingers work so hard between them and when Santana's hands cup her cheeks to intensify the kiss, she knows that the Latina is only seconds away from falling apart.

"Hold me" Santana gasps and presses her cheek to Brittany's. She's doesn't know exactly how to do that because her left hand is sort of busy between Santana's legs and with the other she is steadying the brunette in her lap.

She lets her hand wander up from around Santana's waist until she reaches her shoulder and holds her as close as possible. Not a breath of air could come between their bodies when Santana's stomach muscles start twitching and her whole body begins to shake and tremble in Brittany's embrace. Moans of release leave the Latina's lunges when she comes so intensively and collapses around Brittany's shoulders.

"I've got you… you feel so amazing." Brittany whispers because Santana is whimpering and breathing so hard into her neck, suddenly all vulnerable and devoted.

Santana's breathing is still erratic but it slowly calms down when Brittany kisses every inch she can reach and blows some air to the damp skin right in front of her.

After several minutes of just holding onto each other, she sinks back onto the mattress and drags Santana with her. Carefully she pulls the hand from between their middles which causes another jolt through the slim body on top of her.

"Brittany…" Santana mumbles exhausted and stretches her legs until they're lying comfortably.

"Yeah?"

"I'm so thirsty."

They both chuckle at Santana's raspy voice and when she pushes herself up on her elbows, they sink into each other's eyes.

"Me, too. I'll go get us a glass of water." Brittany says and tucks a strand of hair behind Santana's ear.

"Okay but can we stay like this for another minute?"

"Sure… as long as you want"

Santana nods and presses a tender kiss to Brittany's chin before lowering herself back down and placing her head on Brittany's chest.

Even if their breaths are calming down, she can tell that both their heartbeats are still racing on a freeway but it's good. It feels so good…

* * *

… _ **Santana's POV…**_

My legs feel like jello… and my lips are sore.

But I don't wanna sleep now – I want more.

Brittany crawled out of bed after I eventually loosened my embrace and rolled onto my back. While she's naked in the kitchen and getting us something to drink, I sit up and let my hands run through my hair. How did they get this damp in such short time?

I throw a glance at Brittany's alarm clock and frown. It's one in the morning and we'll have to get up in a couple hours. Kurt will have some questions when I come home only to take a shower and grab some fresh clothes.

The door makes a noise when Brittany steps inside and she's holding two glasses of water with ice in her hands.

"Thought you might want it cold." She grins and steps towards me where I'm sitting at the edge of the bed. I turned on the lamp on her bedside table before so she'd find the way out of the room and now that she's standing in front of me with nothing on, I can't take my eyes off her.

"You have a tattoo" I blurt and point to her hip. Actually it's a lot lower than her hip and I'm pretty sure she wasn't wearing pants or underwear when she got it.

"Yeah… I got it last year when a night out with Puck and Rachel kind of got out of control. We all got one that night because we thought it would be fun."

"What is it?" I ask and narrow my eyes because I can't tell from where I'm sitting and it's rather small. How did I not notice this before?

Brittany makes two more steps and when she's close enough, I grin at what I see.

"A butterfly…" I whisper and reach out to touch it with my pointer. Brittany doesn't shrug back or jerk when I caress the soft, black skin there. I bite my lip when I realize where I'm touching her. Right there where the pelvis ends and her thigh begins and I can't stop myself from letting my eyes wander around and swallow when I get to see her so intimately for the first time. When I glance up, Brittany is looking down at me and there is a smile on her face but also something else. Maybe nervousness…

"Here" She hands me one of the glasses and I take a couple sips that finally wet my dry throat. She does the same and when we've stilled our thirst, Brittany puts both glasses on the floor and steps in front of me once more, reaching her hands out.

I take them into mine and get up on my feet when she pulls gently. Our hands sink somewhere between our bodies but they stay entangled when Brittany looks deep into my eyes.

"Are you tired? I can get you some sleep clothes." She mumbles and smiles when I lean in and the tips of our noses touch.

"That's ok, you can give them to me later." That's all I know to answer because I forget all the words when I realize what I'm about to do. I want her… I want to feel her body the way she just felt me. I want to give her all those amazing sensations because they made me feel so incredibly good.

I pull my hands out of her grip and guide my arms between her elbows and her sides so I can drag her into a hug. She mirrors it and soon I feel fingers running through my hair and our cheeks rubbing together. The skin on her back is so soft and I wish I could kiss and touch it at the same time but I also want to kiss her lips when I remember how sweet and warm they tasted a while ago.

I move back so I can see her face and when her eyes are closed, I don't bother asking for permission to kiss her. It gets reciprocated right away and she pulls me into her so our bodies get pressed together. She feels so good against me but it's not enough. I want to know how that skin feels under my fingertips. The skin of her stomach, her throat, her chest and even though I won't know what to do – especially the skin between her legs.

I need to know it all because I'm already intoxicated by her sweet and salty scent and I think I have just turned into an addict. Without realizing I have started pressing soft kisses on her sternum and her collarbones. They wander to her neck and her jaw and she sighs lowly when I also taste the skin with my tongue.

I kiss her shoulders while my hands roam all over her back and I kiss between her breasts while the grip in my hair gets bit tighter. My own skin feels so warm because I'm connected to hers everywhere and she's glowing.

Our thighs bump together and her chest squeezes into mine, meanwhile I can't get enough of those kisses all over her upper body. It only gets worse when I dare to stroke the skin on her waist and around her bellybutton. I need to take a small step back so I can fully enjoy the heat underneath my fingertips and I go lower to tickle just above her hip bones.

She chuckles into my ear but it turns into a breathy sigh when I reach down and touch the skin of her inner thighs. My heart is racing… Since when am I so courageous? A week ago I almost fainted when I touched her boobs for the first time and now I want it all. I don't know if I imagine things but I think she widens her legs a tiny little bit and that must be the sign to say it's ok.

I peek up and watch how Brittany's eyes are still closed and she cups my cheeks with her hands when I wander closer to her center and the heat that almost numbs my hand. Almost…

She sucks in a sharp breath of air when I touch her there or maybe it's also me. But it's definitely her who moans into my ear when I explore her most intimate body part with surprisingly secure fingers. I thought I'd be shaking pathetically but actually it's Brittany who starts trembling. Her heavy breath and her throat moving visibly when she swallows are some of the hottest things I've ever seen or heard and I want to know what other way I can make her body react. When her thighs start shaking and her hands grab my face harder, I turn us around and push her back.

"Lie down" I husk and Brittany obeys immediately. She sinks onto the mattress and I follow her just a second later. We crawl to the middle of the bed and when she's settled comfortably, I lower my body down on hers.

She gasps when our torsos press together and one of my thighs finds rest between hers. We look into each other's eyes once and I start kissing her deeply while my left hand wanders on her sides. I support my weight on my elbow so she can breathe better because she's panting when my hand strokes her belly. I break the kiss look into her face when I feel warm fingers grabbing my wrist.

"Please… it felt so amazing." She almost whines and guides my hand lower until it's hovering above her center once again. I don't waste any time and cup her gently.

She hums and presses my hand flat against her and when her eyes flutter open, I have to swallow thickly. I watch her face with my mouth hanging open because this sight is even better than when we were standing in front of each other. I get to look at every inch of her face and how she furrows her eyebrows and wets her lips.

When I thrust into her and a gasp leaves Brittany's lips, I look down in horror because her face is contorted with pain. I still my hand and my whole body freezes.

"Am I hurting you?" I say louder than we've spoken all night long and my heart is pounding in my chest. Is it possible that I'm doing this wrong? I've never done this before but Brittany seemed so eager for my touch. Brittany's eyes flutter open and she shakes her head vigorously.

"No! No, it's good… keep going" She pants and I realize she's not in pain at all and that I'm doing exactly the right thing.

I kiss her cheeks and slowly start moving in and out, smiling when she grabs my shoulder and looks up at me so trustingly. Her eyes look bluer than ever and I want to dive into them and get engulfed by her warmth that radiates from her body. She looks so beautiful with the messy hair spread around her and her swollen lips parting to suck in oxygen. So beautiful when she looks up at me and her eyebrows knit together ever so slightly…

I can't say how many minutes or hours are passing but Brittany starts to breath erratically and her kisses become sloppy when I push into her faster and stronger than before. I'm pretty sure the tickling between my shoulder blades is caused by my own sweat running down but it's also so hot in this bedroom.

"God… Brittany" I blurt when her hips cant up and intensify the connection between our bodies. I want to tell her how amazing she feels because I've never done anything like this. Something that makes me feel everything although it's me touching her right now. I want to tell her that but I can't form any sentences when Brittany holds on to me even tighter and her thigh is trembling against my wrist.

I kiss her once before giving her everything she needs and help her to get to that point of no return. "I'm… oh my God yes!" She gasps and I think she also mumbles something like 'don't stop' but it's incomprehensible when she moans and sighs at the same time.

I won't stop. I'll never stop… if this makes her feel good then I'll never _ever_ stop.

I can't believe Brittany manages to look up into my eyes and I stare back in awe when she comes with one last thrust and I feel her tense around my fingers. With my arm behind her neck I pull her into an embrace when she shakes and quivers underneath me and has both her arms wrapped tightly around my upper body. I still my hand but don't pull away, yet as she's whimpering and moaning into the crook of my neck.

It takes her long minutes to come down from her high and I won't let go any time soon. Instead I pepper her face with soft kisses and smile when her facial muscles relax and she wets her dry lips with the tip of her tongue.

"Hey…" I whisper and wait until she fully focuses on my eyes and smiles weakly back at me. I lean down to catch her lips for a sealing kiss before my arm slowly gives in and I sink on top of her.

* * *

"I guess I'll have to tell Kurt…" I whisper into the darkness and sigh at the tingling feeling on my back. All candles except for one have gone out.

For the past twenty minutes I've been lying on my stomach, both my arms feeling so sore and Brittany caressing my back with light fingers. She's resting on her side and since the remaining candle light is illuminating her face, I can see she's nodding with a soft smile.

"He's probably wondering where you are now." She mumbles and shuffles bit closer.

"Yeah but he's not my dad so I'm not gonna text him. It's way too late anyways. But he will ask where I was and I don't want to make up some story."

"No… that's never a good idea."

I grin at her and with one hand I reach behind my back. It's not the most comfortable angle but when I find her hand, our fingers entwine and I squeeze them gently.

"I had an idea." I mumble and watch how Brittany narrows her eyes.

"An idea? About what?"

"About getting to know each other's past"

"Oh… okay like how?"

"How about each time we see each other, one of us gets to ask a question. Like… where did you go to high school? And both have to answer individually."

Brittany's lips form into a smile and she squeezes the hand on my back.

"One question at a time? Boy that's gonna take a couple dates until you know about my whole past."

I chuckle into the pillow and shrug.

"I'm not in a hurry." I whisper and Brittany shakes her head softly.

"Me neither… I think it's a good idea."

"Yeah? So how about you start tonight with the first question? What do you want to know?"

A childish grin appears on her face and she makes a funny expression as if she's thinking hard.

"Uuh… okay I have one. How many brothers and sisters do you have?"

I smile at that question and turn onto my side before I answer. Our hands find each other under the covers and I clear my throat.

"I have a brother, his name is Ricky. He's Gabe's best friend and a doctor, too. He has a wife and a son called Ben. I get along with him very well even though he's very protective… and I have a sister called Julia who's two years older. But she lives in New York and we don't talk very often."

"How come?"

"She's an artist… my parents always told her to study something like Ricky and I did but she wanted to dance. All she ever wanted was to dance and as soon as she was twenty-one, she packed her things and ran away without actually saying goodbye. She comes home for Christmas and my mother's birthday and every three months she and I talk on the phone. She has changed a lot and… as sisters we grew apart. But I miss her very much." I smile at Brittany to show her that I'm okay talking about this and she nods.

"Is she as pretty as you?" She asks with an impish grin and I roll my eyes playfully.

"She's very pretty." I whisper and Brittany leans in and kisses my nose. "But now it's your turn. How many brothers and sisters do you have?" I ask and Brittany sinks back into the pillow.

"Kinda hard to say." She mumbles and I frown.

"Huh?"

"Well I have one brother, Charlie who's thirty one and a lawyer. But my father and my mother both had new partners when I was still a child and they both had kids again. That gives me two half sisters and three step brothers."

"Oh wow!"

"I know, right? I grew up with a giant family but somehow I'm not too close with any of them. Except for my mother I guess."

"I see"

"And there is also someone else who is practically like a sister to me. Or well… used to be. Diane's sister is in college now and we got along very well. Linda looked up to me and I loved spending time with her. But in over a year I haven't seen her and… she wants to but I'm not sure if I'm ready, yet. Maybe I'll call her soon though."

I pull Brittany's hand up to my lips and press a kiss there.

"I'm sure she would love that since you used to be that close."

"Yeah"

I prop myself on my elbow and push a strand of hair from Brittany's forehead. Then I lean down and she closes her eyes when I kiss her.

"This was a good idea." She mumbles once I pull away and lie down close to her. "This one-question-thing… you're clever."

"Thanks"

"No problem"

She wraps an arm around my waist and when my eyelids get heavy, I feel safer than I've ever had. Just because I'm lying in Brittany's arms and I can hear her breathing. And because I got to know a little more about her.

* * *

 **Chapter 18 *Letters***

… _ **Brittany…**_

"Wait! Where are you going?" Brittany yells and tries to grab the other woman's wrist but it's an empty catch as she's too slow. "Where are you going?" She repeats her question and feels anger boiling inside of her. It's another one of those days where she can do nothing right. They fight because of no special reason and one of them storms off because they eventually run out of words.

Brittany makes three quick steps and manages to stand in her way because this conversation isn't over, yet.

"Can we just try to talk it out for once? I'm tired of fighting and running away from each other." She says and earns a glare.

"What's there to talk about? Everything is clear now. You fucked this Santana girl and you obviously like each other. There's no more space for me."

Brittany shakes her head vigorously because that's not fair! And how does she know she slept with Santana anyway? She didn't just fuck her… it was something completely different!

"What do you mean, there is no space for you? You're my girlfriend! And how do you know about me and Santana? Who told you?"

"Nobody had to tell me, Brittany… you keep talking about her in your sleep. You're dreaming of _her_ now instead of me."

"That's not true… am I talking in my sleep?" Brittany asks incredulous because she can't believe all this.

"It doesn't matter. All I know is that you are no longer crying for me."

"What does that even mean? Why would I cry for you?"

"Because I'm leaving."

"Leaving where?"

"To the hospital"

Brittany swallows and she feels sweat forming on her forehead. No… this is not happening. She's been through this before – she can't stand it again! Her heart is aching so badly right now, it feels like somebody is squeezing it with bare hands.

"You're going to the hospital? But… why?"

The woman who seemed mad and angry before is now giving her a compassionate look.

"You know why, Brittany… I'm going there to die."

Sobs are leaving her lungs and she tries to hold back those tears but it's a lost game. She can't take this. It's too much. Too painful.

"Diane… this is not fair. Why are you even here now? I was getting over you."

"I know. But now that you're starting to fall for Santana, you've been thinking back. You think of me and you and who we used to be. You remember how much I broke your heart by leaving all this behind."

Brittany steps away from the door because Diane really wants to go.

"What am I gonna do now?" She asks desperately when the other blonde reaches for the door knob.

"I don't know, Britt. This is something you need to figure out alone. I'm in a hurry because I really need to die now… maybe I'll see you later."

Brittany's chest feels like it's going to burst and when she awakes, she shoots up in bed panting like a haunted animal.

"Diane!" She yells and turns to her left and her right to see what's going on. There's nobody and it takes her a couple seconds to realize she's in her bedroom and dreamed the absurd scene. It's been a long time that she dreamed of Diane. Why did it happen tonight?

She touches her own forehead and her neck and feels the sweat on her skin. She must have moved around in her sleep or clutched to the sheets until her body was overheating.

With another pang she realizes that Santana is no longer lying next to her. But she fell asleep with her arm on Santana's waist and the scent of her hair in her nose.

They fell asleep after they had slept with each other for the second time… they answered a question about their families and then she played with Santana's fingers until the Latina drifted off to sleep by her side.

How did she not wake up when Santana left the bed? Maybe she's just using the bathroom? She throws a glance at her alarm clock and it says that she'll have to get up and go to work in seven minutes. She pushes the damp sheets down her thighs and gets up from the mattress. When she looks around, she finds Santana's clothes and her purse are gone.

With insecure steps because her legs are still wobbly from that dream, she makes her way out of the bedroom and looks around.

"Santana?" She asks into silence but when she sees the bathroom door open, it's clear that she won't get a response.

After putting on some shorts and a tank top, she scuffs into the kitchen and there she finds a note on the table. It looks like Santana was in a hurry when she wrote it.

 _ **Brittany, I had to go. I'm so sorry.**_

 _ **S.**_

That's all it says and she's about as clueless as before. Go where? And why? After what happened last night she just leaves? Maybe _because_ of that?

She's shivering a little because the damp hair around her neck makes her feel cold and miserable. Wondering why Santana had to leave this early, she grabs the phone on the kitchen table and is about to dial her number. She only knows it by heart because sometimes she has a photographic memory. Weirdly only whenever it comes to stuff that has to do with Santana…

But she puts the phone away when she remembers that dream and suddenly a painful lump forms in her throat. Why did she have to dream of Diane now? Because something big might be happening in her life?

In her dream she felt that pain so strongly. The pain of heartache and losing. Ever since Diane's death she's been so afraid of facing loss and that's why she kept everyone at distance except for Puck and Rachel because she knew that those two would always stick with her. But everyone else she pushed away so they couldn't even try to leave her eventually. Now that she's trying to finally move on she's so scared of losing before she can even get the chance to win.

But you _can_ only win if there is something to lose, right? And Santana is worth it to affront that little bitch of fear of loss.

* * *

… _ **Santana's POV… the same day…**_

"Santana, can you please show up at my office around four o' clock in the afternoon? There is something I'd like to inform you about. Oh and make sure Quinn, Brittany, Rachel, Chang and Hummel will be there, too. I don't have time to call everyone in separately but you all must be there. It is extremely important."

I knit my eyebrows together because I have no idea what Shelby is talking about. Of course it's me who has to take care of this but right now I don't even have the nerve to get upset about it. This morning I woke up in the warmest embrace but there was no time to enjoy it. It's a miracle I made it to work on time today…

Five hours ago I got a phone call and now I'm really glad Brittany was so fast asleep. She didn't wake up when I untangled our limbs and she didn't wake up when I tried to calm down a very drunk Gabe over the phone.

" _Tana… I don't know who I was trying to fool. You are so beautiful and I don't know what I was thinking when I let you go without even fighting for us. I mean… we're married, baby. You can't just walk out on me. I still love you… I have no idea where I am but I think I'm just gonna lie down here and sleep outside."_

My heart almost stood still because Gabe is _never_ drunk. He and my brother Ricky have a beer every now and then but he's too controlled to let things get out of hands.

" _Gabe where the hell are you? Are you alone?"_ I had whispered into the mouthpiece and threw a glance at a sleeping Brittany.

" _You're still my wife…"_ Was everything he replied and then the line was dead.

I almost couldn't breathe because I was feeling so much at one time. _Fear_ that Gabe was lying somewhere on the street outside, _anger_ that he got so drunk, _disappointment_ because I thought we were handling the separation quite well and _regret_ when I looked at Brittany curled up by my side. All I wanted was to lie down next to her and pull the sheets over our heads and kiss her secretly.

But my heart was racing and panic came up inside me when I knew that Gabe was somewhere out there at five in the morning. So I climbed out of bed, put on my clothes as fast as possible and bit my lip when I heard Brittany mumble something in her sleep.

I kneeled on the mattress and hovered over her to push some blonde strays out of her face and kissed her cheek and her forehead. Then I left with a heavy heart.

It was probably the fact that I had initiated the break-up and the fact that I was already sleeping in someone else's bed that I felt terribly responsible for this. Of course Gabe doesn't know about Brittany and we are both adults and able to take care of our own lives. But Gabe had obviously gotten this drunk because the breakup was everything but okay. Why did he pretend to be fine when I was there to pick up my stuff? Why did he act so reasonable when apparently he was hurting this much?

Those questions haunted me as I drove way too fast in the streets of L.A. to get from one corner of the city to another. First place I went was home because maybe he managed to miraculously find his way back to the house. With pictures of the worst horror scenarios in my head, I came to a halt in Gabe's drive way and there he was…

Lying next to the front door of what used to be my home. The amount of alcohol in his breath almost swept me of my feet when I bent down to shake his upper body. I have no idea how I managed to wake him up and heave him inside. When he sank onto one of the white leather couches, he finally realized that it was me standing next to him.

 _"Tana? You came back? Baby I'm so sorry… please…"_ He grabbed my wrist and his face was contorted with pain when he tried to keep his eyes open and talk to me.

The lump in my throat hurt so badly and I almost couldn't breathe when I stared down into Gabe's glistening eyes. _"Santana I wasn't being honest. I didn't tell my parents… they don't know we've split up."_

I don't know how many seconds passed where I just looked down at him with my lips pressed together. He held the back of my hand to his cheek and he kept apologizing.

 _"I couldn't do it. They will be so disappointed Santana. I – I mean we can just get back to where we were. I still love you and if you tell me that you have no love left for me, then I won't believe it. We are husband and wife S'ntana… we belong together. You gotta come back, sweetheart."_

And then he mumbled something I didn't understand. I got on my knees next to the couch and tried to free my wrist out of his grip but he held on so desperately.

 _"Gabe you have to let me go."_ I said with a strong voice even though I was expecting nothing but a breath leaving my lips. _"I'm not coming back."_

I only realized tears were running down my cheeks when I saw how he raised a hand and his thumb wiped them off.

 _"But we were such a good match."_ He said and seemed a bit more sober than when I had found him outside.

 _"You're right."_ I whispered and shrugged. _"We used to be good together."_ I closed my eyes for a couple seconds because this was the moment to be honest and make it clear. _"But I fell out of love with you, Gabe. And there is nothing left to change that… please don't try to save our marriage because it's not going to happen."_ That's when my voice betrayed me and I decided to not draw it out.

I almost leaned in to kiss his cheek but that would have felt more than wrong. Instead I cupped his hand that was still clutching my wrist. With a determined move I freed my hand and he closed his eyes when I got back on my feet.

 _"Goodbye"_ I breathed and didn't look back when I got to the front door and stepped outside.

I think Shelby literally pushed me out of her office after I mumbled that I would inform everyone about the meeting in her office because I am now standing in front of my desk and I don't quite remember how I got here. Too wrapped up in this morning's incident and how I left Brittany's place, I don't listen to what Quinn says from the opposite part of our office.

I wrote Brittany a note on a post-it and then left without waking her up. She probably thinks I regret what happened last night…

"Santana!" Quinn yells and I apologize for my lack of attention. "I asked if everything is okay – is it? You look like you cried or something."

I slowly shake my head and sink into my chair.

"I'm alright, Q. Just trying to figure out my life." I mumble and ignore Quinn's biting glances. I know she wants to offer to talk about it but the thing is; I don't even know what to say.

On one hand I want to leave everything behind right this second and start over. I want to go look for Brittany and apologize for leaving. I want to tell her that last night meant incredibly much to me and that she's on my mind all the time. Want to tell her that she is the only good thing in my life right now but at the same time I want to just crawl into a hole and not talk to anyone.

I want to cry about everything that went wrong in the past couple months and everything that I can't put into words. How could I have underestimated this? I am so far from rearranging my life and getting everything back together. Seeing Gabe lying at the foot of the door this morning, wasted like never before… I got slapped across the face.

Nothing's going to be easy but really I have to thank myself. Because I need to feel that bruise to eventually heal. There is no way around it.

* * *

 _ **To: berry.r/s-magazine, chang.m/s-magazine, fabray.q/s-magazine, hummel.k/s-magazine, pierce.b/s-magazine**_

 _ **From: lopez.s/s-magazine**_

 _ **Subject: secret mission**_

 _ **Guys, meeting in Shelby's office at 4pm. Don't be late – she's acting weird.**_

 _ **Santana**_

I sigh when I send out the message and I'm already typing a new one. One that is way more important.

 _ **To: pierce.b/s-magazine**_

 _ **From: lopez.s/s-magazine**_

 _ **Subject: post-it note**_

 _ **You're probably confused why I left this morning without saying a word. Or mad. Or mad AND confused.**_

 _ **I need to explain, I didn't mean to end our night like that…**_

 _ **Meet me for lunch break?**_

 _ **S.**_

An uncomfortable excitement rises in my chest and I bite my fingernail when I wait for a reply. I never bite my fingernails. It's gross. But Brittany sort of has this effect on me that results in me doing stuff I would have never dreamed of. Such as biting fingernails and getting involved with another woman the same weekend I leave my husband.

My heart makes a jump when a reply pops up on the screen.

 _ **To: lopez.s/s-magazine**_

 _ **From: pierce.b/s-magazine**_

 _ **Re-subject: post-it note**_

 _ **I was confused. I am… but I'm not mad, I just hoped you were alright.**_

 _ **I'll be at the parking lot in 10, ok? Fed up with cafeteria food…**_

 _ **B.**_

I let her know that I'll meet her outside and with slightly shaking fingers I turn my computer off and grab my stuff together.

"Are you heading for lunch?" Quinn asks surprised when I'm about to exit our office in a hurry. Usually we leave together and pick up Kurt or Rachel on the way.

"Oh! Uh no… I'm meeting Brittany." A smirk forms on Quinn's face and she pulls up her famous eyebrow. She always does that when she senses something.

"For a quickie?" She asks nonchalantly and I am too perplexed to shoot a response that will swipe that grin off her face.

"N-no! Just for lunch" I mumble and fiddle on the sleeve of my blouse. Why am I even explaining? With a shrug I leave Quinn alone and make my way through the Sylvester building.

I exhale a breath when I step outside because soon I can see blonde hair from a distance. Brittany is standing next to her car and she smiles insecurely when I approach her. I think my lips are trembling when I stop in front of her and I'm not sure what the reason for my nervousness is. In my chest I feel a mix between worries and butterflies.

"Hi" I say softly and mirror her smile.

"Hey… do you wanna get out of here? There's this great take-away just around the corner." She asks and I do want to. She points to the car behind her and I nod. She's already making a step towards the driver's side when I grab her wrist and make her turn around and face me again.

"Hang on a sec" I mumble and pull myself close to her. I can't help it. She's like a magnet… and the attraction only gets stronger when she eyes me in slight surprise.

I lean in until our temples rest against each other and when I look down between our bodies, both our chests are moving visibly.

"I need to say this because it can't wait." I take a breath and hold her hand tightly in mine when I continue. "I wanted to stay… this morning, I wanted to stay and wait until you woke up, too. But Gabe called me at five in the morning and I had to go find him. He was so drunk and I thought he was still on the road and lost somewhere. Turned out he got home safely but he was so… so broken. I thought things were going to be okay soon but I wasn't aware of the extent of the break-up. Brittany I really wanted to stay." My voice sounds desperate and the last four words are only a whisper.

It's possible that there are other people out here, too who could see us standing so close but right now I don't care. I turn my head slightly and press my lips against her jaw. I just need us to be close.

"Okay" With Brittany's voice, a breeze of air hits my skin and I wonder if I should say something else or just shut up.

"Okay?" I ask in wonderment and pull back a little so I can look into her eyes. "You're not mad that I just left?"

Brittany shrugs softly and I feel her warm hands on my hips. It's really hot outside because the sun is burning but Brittany's warmth is totally ok.

"Maybe a little" She whispers and I see a smirk creeping over her lips.

"You're a little mad?"

"Yeah" I bite my lip because I couldn't stand Brittany being mad at me but her hidden grin makes breathing easier.

"Oh… is there something I can do to make it up?" I ask with a blink of my eye and Brittany pretends to be thinking.

"Uh you could buy me lunch?" She suggests and makes me chuckle.

"Well that was easy. But ok, I'll buy you lunch."

"I wasn't finished…" She says with a soft headshake and I feel her hands wander to the small of my back. "Then you could tell Kurt that you're staying at my place for another night and turn off your mobile so nobody can call you out of bed. Then you could kiss me to sleep and uh… we can call it even."

I perk an eyebrow up and before I tell her that I'll do it all, I just enjoy the feeling of standing so close with our arms around each other's bodies. Everybody who could see us would think we are a couple.

"That's a lot of wishes you got there, Miss Pierce." I mumble and stare at her lips when they curl into a smile. "But you got yourself a deal."

She laughs softly and nods acknowledging.

"Good then" She loosens her embrace and grabs my hand before letting go. "But just so you know… whatever it is that you and your husband still have to work out, I won't be standing in the way. It's not in my place." She squeezes my fingers softly and with thankful smile I walk around her car to open the passenger's door and get inside.

* * *

… _ **Brittany… later that afternoon…**_

When they come back from lunch Brittany feels about ten pounds lighter because she had been so scared that Santana would regret the other night or tell her that they need to stop. Instead they sat in a park for lunch break and ate delicious Greek take-away. They also answered their second 'about the past-question'.

 _"Have you ever been out of the States for vacation?"_ Santana had asked between to bites as it had been her turn to pick the question.

 _"Yes, twice. My grandparents owned a holiday apartment in Switzerland and when I was twelve, me and my brother Charlie went there to learn how to ski in the Alps. It was awesome even though I fell hundreds of times. And for my eighteenth birthday my mother invited me on a trip to the place of my dreams and we flew to Cape Town. I remember I had just read the book 'Cry Freedom' and felt the strong urge to see a part of South Africa and we went there for two weeks. What about you? Where have you been?"_

Santana laughed at the current memory that was probably playing in front of her inner eye.

 _"Just once I have been to Europe. My father has relatives in Spain and my whole family went to visit them in Madrid. I think I was sixteen and it had been the best trip in my life because I was so far away from home but still I spoke the language and understood what they were saying…"_

 _"Wait, you're actually fluent in Spanish?"_ Brittany had asked in amazement because so far she had never heard the Latina speak in another language than English.

With a sheepish grin Santana finished the story of her trip to Madrid in Spanish and Brittany felt her heart beat faster at the sexy change in Santana's voice. It was deeper and even more feminine when she spoke Spanish and when she was done, Brittany stole a kiss.

Now that she's back in her office, she feels a tingling sensation in her chest and there is something else she hasn't felt in a very long time. She can't put into words what it is…

But she grabs a white paper and a pen and bites on her bottom lip when she starts writing.

 _'Dear Linda_

 _Thank you for your letter. I can't even begin to describe how much it means to hear from you even though I walked away. I miss you very much and I would love to see you again some time. I'm sorry I told you to stop contacting me, maybe one day I can help you understand._

 _I think it's wonderful that you started college and it makes me so proud that you'll be dancing for a living. Our dance sessions used to be so much fun and Diane got so mad when she couldn't keep up with us anymore._

 _I never meant to hurt you but I know I did. Maybe we have a chance to start over?_

 _You and your mother still mean the world to me._

 _Brittany'_

With trembling fingers she reaches for an envelope and writes down the address of Diane's little sister. She doesn't know exactly why she found the courage to write that letter. But something about spending lunch with Santana made her realize that she doesn't always have to be on the loser's side. She needs to risk something if she wants to ever get it all back together.

* * *

At four o' clock she's placed between Mike and Quinn and lets her eyes wander over everyone's face. They still don't know why they are standing here in front of Shelby's desk in a half circle because the woman loves tension. She's just sitting there and leaning back in her chair, her hands folded in her lap and a smug grin on her face.

Brittany glances at Rachel who seems just as clueless as she feels. They haven't spoken since Brittany found out that Rachel talked to Quinn behind her back and even though she's still mad at the short brunette, she also misses hanging out with her friend after work.

Right next to Rachel are Kurt and Santana and while Kurt is eyeing Shelby with an annoyed expression, Brittany finds dark orbs looking back at her. She mirrors the soft smile on Santana's face because she knows that she will come over later and they will probably make out on the couch all evening.

"My good friend Paul Estevez from New York called me this morning and informed me about his new clothing line coming out next month. You've probably heard of him, he hosts big annual fashion shows and this year's happens to take place this weekend. He asked me to come and put a full spread about it in the next issue of the Sylvester magazine. Thing is… I don't have time to do it myself so I decided to form a team of people I trust and these people happen to be you. You're young and fresh, interested in the business and have been working hard these past few weeks. You can look at it as a reward or punishment, I don't care but I'm sending you all to New York."

Brittany's jaw has dropped and looking around, she knows she's not the only one. Quinn has even grabbed Brittany's arm and is clearing her throat to form a question with a shaky voice.

"You're… sending us to New York to report about Paul Estevez' fashion party this weekend? Paul Estevez, the fashion God? As in… we get to be a part of it?"

Brittany looks down at her wrist because Quinn's grip is now almost painful.

"Correct" Shelby states and shrugs easily. "Your flight and the hotel you're staying at have already been taken care of. Paul's personal assistant will pick you up at the airport, answer all your questions and show you around. I'll leave it to the six of you to decide on who will do which job – arrange yourselves. All I'm telling you is that I want a good story of seven pages with photos, interviews, background information, behind the scenes material and so on. Figure something out. I have trust in you and I'm expecting you do your best."

She gives them a pointed look and then points to the office door.

"That's all for today. Your flight leaves Thursday morning at eight and don't even dare come back if you miss it."

Brittany follows the others out of Shelby's office and when the door closes behind Mike, the six of them stare at each other wordlessly for a couple seconds.

Eventually Rachel falls around Quinn's neck and screams 'YES!' and they jump around like little girls who just found out they'll be getting new Barbie dolls. Mike and Kurt high-five each other and make fists in the air. Everyone laughs or covers their mouth in disbelief, not sure if Shelby really just ordered them to fly to New York and be part of one of the most important events of the year in the entertainment business.

Her glance catches Santana's and she watches how the brunette slowly shakes her head with a happy grin on her face. She's standing between Kurt and Quinn who are still jumping up and down and she forms the words _'you alright?'_ towards Brittany. Everyone else is laughing and congratulating each other on being part of this job and she smiles at the Latina.

 _"Definitely"_ Brittany mouths back and laughs when Mike nudges her shoulder to pull her in for a hug. She wraps her arms around his neck and lets him squeeze her tight but her eyes are always directed to Santana who does the same when she embraces Quinn.

Whatever comes now... She's ready to face it. Especially when Santana looks at her like that, excitement in her eyes and a knowing smirk on her pretty face.

She's definitely alright.

* * *

 **Chapter 19 *Kisses***

She doesn't remember the last time she was on the road this early. Normally she'd be really annoyed to get out of bed before the sun is even up but today it excites every fiber of her body. With a trolley bag in one hand and a Latte to go in the other, Brittany approaches Mike and Kurt who are already waiting at the meeting point of LAX.

The past two days flew by because everyone was so excited about the trip. She and Santana celebrated with a glass of wine on Tuesday evening after Shelby had informed them in her office.

With a glass of wine and countless kisses on the couch, on the balcony… and eventually in bed they had celebrated the upcoming weekend. They really didn't talk too much that night but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. It was one that made her feel at ease. They would just sit opposite each other on the couch and sip their wine while Santana's foot kept playing with Brittany's shin and some show on TV was running in the background.

Of course there were things they could have talked about. They could have answered another 'about the past question' or discussed the state of their relationship. But she knew that Santana wasn't ready to put a name to it. The incident with her husband losing control had obviously unsettled the Latina and Brittany did not want to make her feel uncomfortable by asking her to define their relationship.

Sure she's wondering what it is that they have but then again she already knows; it's an incredible attraction that has grown between them since day one even though she didn't exactly show her interest in the beginning.

And while they can't put into words what exactly the future holds for them, they have both individually decided to silently enjoy this newfound bliss and see where it goes. That evening they truly did enjoy it because nothing could have ruined the atmosphere. They were too wrapped up in each other's smiles and glances.

And Santana kept her promise; she kissed Brittany to sleep once they were lying in bed with their legs entangled. Maybe it was the fact that Brittany had barely gotten enough sleep the night before that she fell asleep so easily. But she was pretty sure it was the feeling of Santana's soft lips on her cheeks and the tickling sensation on her scalp when she kept playing with some strands of Brittany's hair that made her feel all relaxed.

They didn't sleep _with_ but fell asleep _next to_ each other and Brittany loved it…

She bites her lip at the memory of two nights ago and grins when she sees Kurt and Mike waving at her excitedly.

"And then they were three!" Kurt greets her with a beaming smile but it disappears quickly when he stares at her trolley bag.

"Uhm Brittany? Are you sure you packed everything you'll need? Your bag is tiny. You do know that we'll need different outfits for like every hour of the day, right?"

"Uh… and _you_ do know that it's _not_ the six of us presenting on the cat walk, right? We'll be in the audience and _backstage_ , Kurt. Two different blazers and a cocktail dress should be enough." She winks at Mike who's grinning at Kurt's incredulous expression.

"Whatever you say Brittany. I only know that I have packed three different suits, two party outfits, seven pairs of shoes and lots of accessories such as nerd glasses, watches… ties-"

" _Hola amigos_! The three of them turn around at a bubbly voice and watch how Rachel and the other two ladies approach them with big suitcases to complete the troop.

Santana's eyes are hidden behind big sunglasses but Brittany can tell she is the first person the Latina looks at because a bashful smile creeps over her lips when she forms the word 'hello'.

"Ladies… you look wonderful and by the size of your suitcases I can tell you have packed enough outfits. I say we check in, shall we?" Kurt takes the commando and leads the way to their check in counter.

"You excited?" Brittany asks when Santana catches up with her and their shoulders keep brushing against each other. Kurt is walking really fast.

"Very. I've only been to New York once when Gabe, my brother and I went to visit my sister but it was long ago." The brunette explains and apologizes when she bumps into Brittany as Kurt is constantly changing course of direction.

But Brittany doesn't mind at all. Actually she loves those little moments where she gets close to Santana and they are the only ones who know about the electricity that jolts through their bodies. Every single time.

Once they have checked in, the six of them go for a coffee at Starbucks and while Rachel tells the story of how she got lost in New York as a six-year-old, Brittany only pays half of her attention to the dramatic telling. She's too distracted by Santana's short message that just came in.

 _ **\- Once we're in NY maybe we can go for a drink? Without everyone else…**_

She smirks at the words on the display and types a message without looking up even though she can feel Santana's eyes on her face from opposite the table.

 _ **\- As in a date? With you? I'll think about it and let u know.**_

She presses 'send' and feels something hard kick her shin five seconds later. Santana rolls her eyes at Brittany's reply and they grin at each other almost mischievously. Before she knows it, her phone vibrates again and she perks up an eyebrow at the message

 _ **-**_ _ **I could always ask Quinn…**_

She puckers her lips because she knows Santana is just teasing but the picture of her taking _Quinn_ out on a date is like… no.

 _ **\- Don't even think about it. Share a hotel room?**_

Maybe she's getting a little ahead of herself with that question. Sharing a hotel room would probably pull up some questions by the others. Quinn is still the only one who knows about them. Unless Puck told Rachel as he can hardly ever keep something from the short brunette.

Oh well she doesn't actually care too much but Kurt will definitely sense something is going on sooner or later. It's that unspoken radar thing.

 _ **\- A room? With you? Haven't made my mind up yet, but maybe I'll get back to u. xx**_

Brittany chuckles at the reply and lets her phone wander back into her pocket. She winks at Santana and while they're waiting for their boarding call, they participate in conversations that are going on between the rest of the group.

* * *

Once they are up in the air, Rachel keeps throwing glances at her from the side. It's probably a good thing that she isn't seated next to Santana because five hours is a long time and she wouldn't know how to keep her hands to herself while sitting this close to each other.

But Rachel is already getting on her nerves. Why can't she just open her mouth and apologize for her behavior? The day Brittany found out about her friend's betrayal, she wrote her a short message and thanked her for warning Quinn and Santana about her adventurous past of womanizing.

Rachel tried to call her but she had been too upset to discuss it. She needed Rachel to know that it had been a pretty mean move and that she was truly disappointed. But it doesn't look like Rachel will come up with the courage anytime soon because each time she opens her mouth, she closes it before saying something.

"Spit it out, Rach… we're about 20'000 feet above the ground and will be sitting next to each other for the next five hours. Let's get this over with, ok?" She waits and sees how Rachel stirs nervously in her seat and then turns to face Brittany.

"Britt… I know you're mad at me. I didn't mean to go talk about you behind your back but Quinn was asking me about you and… Puck told me about you and San-"

"I knew Puck wouldn't be able to keep it to himself! The two of you share about every secret you know about anyone and I never really cared because it always stayed between the three of us. But why did you go tell Quinn about my past? I don't wanna blow it with Santana…" The last part she says bit lower because Quinn and Santana are sitting one row in front of them across the aisle.

Rachel looks miserable and she grabs Brittany's wrist.

"Brittany I'm so sorry! When Puck told me that there was something going on between you and Santana, I just didn't think it would be something serious because of the way… well – the way you used to prefer relations with women. Short and as meaningless as possible."

Brittany gives Rachel a hurt look although she knows it's true.

"I didn't think Quinn was going to tell Santana… but you have to believe me, I didn't mean to say bad things behind your back. I honestly just told Quinn that I thought it wasn't okay how you used to sleep around and not care too much about anyone's feelings... I know it's not in my place to talk about it with someone else and your love life or sex life is really none of my business anyways. But I _did_ tell her and I can't blame you if you'll resent me forever for talking about your past. I just want you to know that I _am_ sorry and I won't do it again."

Brittany is focusing on her magazine in her lap and only nods to let Rachel know she heard her.

"Can you… can you forgive me?" Rachel asks shyly and Brittany exhales a long breath. She looks at the brunette and shrugs.

"You know exactly, that I can't be mad at you forever. You and Puck are my best friends and you stuck with me when I was at my worst. You're lucky Santana didn't care too much about my past with women. I guess you should thank _her_ that I am forgiving you this easily."

She feels Rachel's hand on hers and when she smiles relieved, Brittany just clicks her tongue and winks at the Rachel. What can she say? She loves that little Barbra-clone and being mad at her isn't fun.

She throws a glimpse at the seat across the aisle where she can see the right side of Santana's face and how she's apparently talking to Quinn animatedly.

"Still not sharing a room with you though, Rach…" She mumbles and bites her lip when Santana turns her head and glances at Brittany as if she had felt someone staring at her longingly.

It's gonna be a long flight…

* * *

 _ **Hours later… Santana's POV…**_

I wake up to a soft dabbing on my forehead and when I open my eyes I am completely disorientated. It takes a couple seconds to remember that Quinn and I switched places because I was getting sick. Whenever I sit by the aisle I get travel-sick because sometimes planes makes those weird up and down movements and if I can't look out of the window, I will throw up within twenty seconds.

We switched places and once I felt better, I curled up under the thick blanket that I had found in my seat and apparently fell asleep. Sweat is now tickling my eyebrows because I'm also still wearing a sweater under the blanket. This always happens when I go to bed with warm clothes on; I start sweating like a pig but I don't realize because I'm asleep.

"Oh man" I mumble and clear my throat because my voice is raspy from sleeping. I want to tell Quinn she can stop dabbing my forehead but when I turn to face her, my lips part in surprise.

Brittany pulls her hand back and hands me the tissue she used to wipe my temple.

"Hey" She says softly and smiles when I take the tissue.

"Hi…" I mumble and let the warm blanket drop to the floor between my feet. The collar of my sweater feels damp, too and I let my hand run through my hair.

"Are you feeling better? I didn't mean to wake you up but you were sweating and I thought maybe you've got a temperature or something." Brittany asks and hands me a cup of water. I take a few sips and sit up straight in my seat before I turn to face Brittany.

"No, no I'm fine. I'm just not a good traveler."

Brittany chuckles and points to the row across the aisle where she was sitting before.

"Quinn and I switched seats because she wanted to sit with Rachel for a while and I think they're talking about what's going on between Quinn and Chang…"

"Oh… I have no idea what the deal is between those two. One day they are all over each other and the next day they don't even say hello at work." I mumble.

"Yeah. Guess it's gonna be an interesting trip." She laughs softly and tucks a stray of hair behind my ear. "You sure you ok? I can ask the steward to bring you some water with ice or something."

I smile and close my eyes at the feeling of her hand cupping my cheek.

"I'm okay… just sweating but I'll survive."

"We're landing in about an hour and then we'll go get some fresh air." Brittany says.

I nod and eventually decide to take off the heavy sweater but since there is really not much space in economy class, I manage to get stuck with the shirt half over my head and my arms caught in a mess.

I hear Brittany's chuckle and if I wasn't so exhausted from my feverish sleep, I'd be really embarrassed and try to get out of this position as fast as possible. But I'm too tired to untangle myself and let Brittany help me pull the sweater off completely.

"Let me get this…" She whispers and takes the damp shirt out of my hands to put it away in the storage above our heads. When she sinks back into her seat, she smiles warmly and reaches for my hand.

"You can sleep for another while if you want. I'll wake you up before we're landing." I nod and I'm thankful she's not trying to start a conversation like Quinn probably would because my eyelids do feel awfully heavy.

"Okay" I mumble and can't really control it when my head tilts to the side and rests against her shoulder before my eyes flutter close.

* * *

My neck hurts and I feel like I have run a marathon when the six of us finally step onto solid ground and wait for our luggage to arrive. Once everyone has their suitcase, I let the others lead the way through the terminal because I have no idea where we're meeting Paul Estevez' assistant who will pick us up and bring us to our hotel.

How do Quinn and Brittany manage to look as fresh as before we took off? While I feel absolutely whacked, Brittany and Mike are joking about something and Quinn is already taking pictures of the airport.

"Oh I think that's her!" Rachel yells and points to a woman standing just a few meters away from us with a big sign in her hands that says 'Sylvester's people'.

The six of us approach the Asian looking woman who has a big smile on her face.

"Are you Shelby's team?" She asks and shakes hands with us once we all nod in unison. "Great. I'm Tina Cohen, Paul's personal assistant and I'll be your contact person during your stay here in New York. It's already past 4pm so I'd say I'll bring you to your hotel and we can discuss some things as in where you have to be in the morning and we can also exchange phone numbers and so on. But I'm sure you're all exhausted from the trip and I'll leave you to yourself afterwards so you can get some rest before things get interesting tomorrow! Let me show you the way to my car but I have to warn you… it's small."

I frown because we are six people and except for Brittany and Mike we all have giant suitcases. Turns out my doubts are justified when we reach the huge parking lot of the airport. I don't know what brand this car is but it doesn't look much bigger than a Mini Cooper.

"Uhm… Ms. Cohen? How are we supposed to fit in here?" Kurt pops the question and points to the rest of us and our luggage.

"Please, call me Tina. Oh well, we're just gonna have to sit close together and squeeze a little! Actually Paul wanted to give me a big van to come and pick you up but then the engine died right this morning and there was no time to take care of another one and so I had to bring my own car. But if you sit in each other's laps and try not to move too much then I'm sure we'll get to the hotel safely." She grins convinced and opens the trunk to her car.

I still don't see it happening but Kurt and Mike start shipping the suitcases and except for two, they all fit into the trunk.

"Okay, I'll sit in the front and take Quinn's suitcase between my legs." Kurt mumbles and gets into the car.

"And I'll sit in the back and take Quinn between my legs…" Mike says playfully and earns a hard slap on his arm by the blonde. "Ow! Babe…"

I shake my head when I watch how Quinn blushes and lets Mike pull her into his lap when they get into the backseat.

"Do you mind if I sit on your knees, Britt? Since I am quite petite…" Rachel sing-songs and I roll my eyes when I lift up the last suitcase to take it with me in the middle of the backseat.

She's not _that_ petite… and petite is a really dumb word.

Soon I find myself squeezed from all possible sides. Mike's elbow gets pressed into my ribs and I catch a mouthful of Quinn's hair when she tries to escape his tickles. The suitcase between my legs is really uncomfortable because it forces my ankle into an impossible position and on my right side I keep bumping into Brittany's shoulder because Tina cuts curves like a Formula One driver. Involuntarily I keep peering at Brittany's hands on Rachel's hip to steady her.

"Rachel, you know how everyone thinks you're so small and tiny? I think you weigh like a ton… almost can't feel my legs anymore." Brittany mumbles and I laugh at the brunette's pouting.

"How very sensitive of you, Brittany." Rachel replies with her arms crossed in front of her chest and stares out of the window.

Oh boy… this should be fun.

* * *

"I'm sure you all don't mind that your hotel is located on the Upper East Side and that you'll reach Central Park in only five minutes by foot?" Tina asks with a winking eye when the car finally halts in the parking lot of one fine looking five-star hotel.

Normally I would be super excited but those five hours on a plane combined with Tina Cohen's horrible driving skills, I just want to throw up in a corner.

Once we've climbed out of the tiny car and everyone is in possession of their own suitcase, Tina guides us inside and she and Kurt take care of the check-in while the rest of us sit down at small tables in the lobby. This looks faaancy...

"Ok, here are your keys" Tina returns after five minutes and hands Quinn the keycards. "You probably want to freshen up in your rooms and then check out the surroundings a little bit so I'm gonna make this quick. Tomorrow, Friday, I need you to be down here at 10am sharp. I'm coming to pick you up and don't worry, I'll organize a bigger car and I will show you where everything takes place this weekend. You can take pictures because I hear Shelby wants some behind-the-scenes material. She also told me on the phone that I should try to arrange interviews with some of the models before the show tomorrow night. I don't think that should be a problem. The only thing _you_ need to do is prepare the questions you want to ask and maybe google Paul Estevez and his fashion empire if you're not very familiar with his work yet."

Tina stops talking for a second and I literally feel like _I'm_ out of breath because she's babbling like a parrot on speed.

"And then three of you will get the chance to meet Paul Estevez in person because six is a little much. Maybe you can flip a coin or something? Meanwhile the rest of the group can walk around and take pictures, you'll be guaranteed access anywhere with the VIP cards that I will give to you. Then I need you to go change into your fancy outfits and I will show you where you're seated during the actual fashion show. Afterwards there is a big dinner but you can also go party somewhere else if you want. Then on Saturday there is the big after-show party. It doesn't really have much to do with the fashion show itself but Paul loves to invite people from all over the world. So please wear something nice but also comfortable because there will be a huge dance floor, a DJ and LOTS to drink. Ok… are there any questions so far?"

I'm kind of floored and hope that the others have listened well because I'm not quite sure I'll remember everything Tina just said. It was too fast.

"Nope, I think we're all good so far!" Quinn says happily and I can see the dreamy expression in her eyes. This is so her thing. She loves fashion more than anything and ever since Tuesday she hasn't spoken about anything but Paul, the fashion God. She has lovingly dubbed him 'Paul _is-the-best'_ instead of Estevez…

"Great! I suggest you'll get some good rest tonight because tomorrow is gonna be a super long day. See you here at 10am, ok? Bye!"

I wave and smile at her but really I just want her to _not_ be our personal contact for the weekend. She's worse than Rachel. Sure, she seems really nice but she talks and moves like she's got some Duracell batteries up her a-

"Soo… Quinn, are we gonna share a room now, or what?" Mike purrs and winks at the blonde from across the small table.

Quinn bites her lip and she throws a questioning glance at me. I don't know if she's asking for permission or whether it is a good idea to share a room with Chang, so I just shrug and wink at her.

"Oh well if you want to so badly then I guess I can't say n- _aaah_!" Mike has jumped up from his chair grabbed Quinn's wrists to pull her on her feet. I hide my face in embarrassment when he picks her up and carries her on his shoulder towards the elevators. I don't know these people!

Quinn has dropped the other keys into an empty chair and I watch how Rachel throws a quick glance at Brittany.

"Uhm… Kurt? Would you do me the honor and share a room with me?" She asks and laughs when he reaches out his elbow like a gentleman.

"It's my pleasure, Miss Berry" He says funnily and the two walk off giggling.

Once it's just Brittany and I left, I turn my head to look at her. There are two empty chairs between us and she's playing with a blonde stray of hair.

"Looks like the decision has been taken from you whether you want to share a room with me or not…" She says with a hidden smirk and gets up to grab the remaining keycard. She looks at it and frowns. "Room D…69? Is that like a sign or something?" She mumbles and wiggles an eyebrow when my mouth falls open.

"Brittany" I mumble with cheeks feeling hot and get up, too.

"What? We totally got positi- I mean _room_ 69!" Brittany says with a laugh and shows me the card. She follows me when I approach one of the elevators that just got back down.

I grin at her and once we're inside, she pushes the button with a fat D on it. Suddenly I realize that we forgot our luggage but we're already going up.

"Shit! Our suitcases! They're still by the reception desk!" I say loud want to check if there is a button that will make the elevator switch directions. I have my mobile, my iPod and everything down there.

I hear Brittany laugh behind me and when I feel a warm hand grabbing my wrist, I turn around.

"Relax, Santana… somebody is bringing the luggage to our room." I swallow when she gently pushes me against the wall and presses her hips into mine. "Cause this is like a five-star hotel."

And before I know it, her lips are on mine and a shaky breath escapes my mouth. Luckily I just had another mint downstairs because I was still feeling slightly sick from the flight.

But now all the sickness is gone. The bubbly feeling inside me is caused by Brittany's lips and how they suck on my own. She cups my left cheek with her hand and lets our foreheads rest against one another once she pulls back.

"You know… you can still go ask Rachel if she wants to switch rooms with you because I definitely won't be able to keep my hands off you all weekend. There is something about hotel rooms that makes me all giddy. So a hotel room with you is like… jackpot" She mumbles sweetly and bites on her lip when I chuckle at her words.

I let my hands run up her arms and grab the collar of her jacket to pull her into another kiss. It's true… there's something about the atmosphere of a hotel that kind of gets me all horny, too. This never happened when Gabe and I went on vacation.

"You want me to switch rooms with Rachel?" I mumble between two kisses and don't care that the elevator stops and gets opened. I really don't want to switch rooms… "Does that mean you won't be able to take your hands off her, either?"

Brittany shakes her head and wants to kiss me again when we hear a muffled noise. I startle and look to my side, only to find three young men standing outside of the elevator and staring at us. Saliva dripping on the carpet…

"Oh" I breathe and let go of Brittany's collar when she makes a step back. She clears her throat and puts her hand on my back to push me out of the elevator.

"Ok, show's over… see you around, boys" She says and we leave the three guys standing there wordlessly. I'm pretty sure they're still ogling at us instead of getting into the elevator but neither of us looks back to see.

* * *

It's three hours later when Brittany and I step into our room for the second time. It's really lovely and there's so much space. A giant flat screen TV is pinned against the wall and the double bed looks extremely comfortable. There's even a small balcony and I love balconies.

When we got here first, we only went to freshen up and later we met the others downstairs so we could go grab something for dinner all together. I couldn't believe I was actually strolling through Fifth Avenue because last time I was here, there was somehow no time to enjoy all these things. It had been just a short trip with Gabe and my brother Ricky and all we did was hang around Central Park and go watch some basketball game.

Quinn kept sneaking up to me and hugged me out of nowhere because she's so excited to be here. She's a complete New York-virgin even though she's the biggest fashion junkie I know.

Those of us who could still eat more bought ice cream on the way back to the hotel and Quinn and Kurt kissed me goodnight before we all happily headed to our rooms.

"This city is so much fun…" Brittany sighs when she takes off her shoes and jacket. She shuffles across the room and collapses on our bed with a loud groan. "But now I am dead"

I chuckle and throw my jacket on top of hers on an empty chair before sinking down next to her. She's lying on her back and her eyes are closed but her chest is moving up and down evenly.

"I'm deader…" I mumble and crawl into a ball by her side.

"Deader?" She asks and I sense how she turns her body to face mine.

"Yeah"

"That sounds quite serious" I peek through one eye and watch how Brittany supports her head in one hand and reaches out to put some hair behind my ear. "Do you need me to reanimate you? You know… mouth-to-mouth?"

I burst into laughter at Brittany's serious expression and the dry comment.

"Oh well I don't know if there's anything left to save but I think you should definitely give it a try."

I roll onto my back and two seconds later Brittany is hovering over me.

"Let me see…" She whispers and brings our lips together for a long and soft kiss. I reach into her hair and when her tongue accesses my mouth, I already feel a whole lot more vivid. A protesting noise leaves my lips when she pulls back after a while but the look on her face repays for the loss.

"I don't think I was quite successful yet, as it looks quite critical." She mumbles and starts fumbling on the buttons of my shirt. "I think I should try cardiac massage or something."

I grin and bite on my top lip when Brittany's hand disappears inside my shirt and a soft moan leaves my lips when she cups my right boob.

My heart is beating so fast when Brittany starts kissing my jaw intently and I can feel the warmth of her hand through the material of my bra. All this is still so new. Nobody has ever touched my chest as gently as Brittany. It had always been either heavy groping or painful squeezing in the complete wrong places. Sometimes I wondered if something was wrong with the sensations in my breasts but ever since Brittany has touched me for the first time; I know that my boobs function perfectly well.

"Brittany…" I mumble but her lips keep kissing the skin on my neck eagerly.

"Mhm?"

"Actually my heart is on the other side."

She pulls back slightly and a smirk creeps over her lips.

"Oopsy…" She whispers and causes me to chuckle.

"But you know… keep going, it's helping nevertheless." I breathe and Brittany doesn't need to be told twice. Her hand is back on my chest and just when she's about to reach under my bra, we hear a weird noise from above the headboard.

Brittany looks up and a couple seconds later it's there again. It's definitely a moan.

"What's this noise?" She asks and pulls her hand out of my shirt. "It sounds like someone's…" There's another (loud) moan and I press my hand over my mouth when I realize whom this moan belongs to.

"Oh my God" I whisper and Brittany still looks confused. "Quinn and Mike are in the room right next to us, right?" I ask and pull a face when I automatically picture what's going in the other room.

"You mean?" Brittany mutters and blinks at me. "She's-"

"Getting reanimated… yes"

Brittany bursts into laughter when I close my eyes and try to get the mental picture out of my head.

"Oh GOD" Brittany whines when we can clearly hear Quinn's moans turn more rhythmically. "I thought this was a five-star hotel! Why aren't those walls soundproofed any better? This is such a turn-off!"

I nod and sit up in bed when Brittany rolls off me.

"They're totally doing it." I mumble and don't know if I should laugh or cry. I really want my reanimation but I don't wanna hear myself scream in unison with Quinn, like… gross.

"Come on" Brittany says and grabs my hand.

"Huh? Where?"

She pulls me up from the mattress and grabs her jacket before she makes quick steps towards the balcony with my hand still in hers. She opens the door and we step outside into the dark.

It's pretty high up here but one can still hear the traffic in the streets and the noises of this city. When Brittany and I step to the banister and enjoy the incredible view it's a pretty damn magical moment.

"This is awesome" Brittany mumbles and takes a deep breath of air.

For a long while we just stand there and observe whatever we can see of the city night life. Only when it's getting fresher around us, Brittany steps back and sinks into one of the comfortable chairs that I didn't see when we came outside.

"Were you bit jealous when Rachel sat in my lap in the car?" She asks teasingly and I cross my arms in front of my chest.

"Jealous? Me?"

"Yep…"

I smirk and make a few steps towards her.

"Would you have preferred if it had been _me_ sitting in your lap?" I counter and Brittany perks an eyebrow up.

"Are you answering with a question?"

"Are you?"

She laughs softly and reaches out a hand. When I take it, she pulls me closer and I let her drag me down until I land in her lap. I wrap my arms around her neck and Brittany puts her jacket around my shoulders before a hand finds rest on one of my thighs.

"Happy now?" I whisper and grin when Brittany nods.

"Yes… are you?"

I take a moment to think about it and bite on my bottom lip when I see a sparkle in Brittany's eyes.

"Yeah. I'm actually really happy right now."

We smile at each other sheepishly and lean in at the same time for another kiss. Her hand on my thigh makes slow movements while I play with her hair gently. Her lips are so soft, I don't think a word exists to describe how soft exactly… and her tongue is amazing. She knows how to make me melt. We've had many L.A. kisses and I love that this our first New York kiss. Technically it already happened in the elevator and on the bed but it's different outside. Only outside kisses count as city kisses.

It's less heated than in the elevator and slower than on the bed. It's just me and her and night air tickling our cheeks.

It's perfect.

* * *

 **Chapter 20 *Heroines***

I'm almost shaking with anticipation when I let my eyes wander around. Everyone here looks so fancy. And there are celebrities everywhere! I can't believe I'm sitting in the second row with an almost perfect view of the giant catwalk and in about ten minutes, Paul Estevez' fashion show will begin.

I'm so glad I brought my most expensive cocktail dress to this trip otherwise I'd attract an uncomfortable kind of attention for sure. Also Quinn, Brittany and Rachel look stunning and I can tell by the looks on their faces that they are just as excited as I am.

On my right Quinn keeps mumbling something like _'I can't believe I'm here… this is real'_ and she simply looks overjoyed and nods when I ask her if she's doing alright.

Brittany is sitting on my left and whenever we throw a glance at each other, she adds a hidden grin.

Last night ended with so many kisses. I don't remember a night I kissed that much. I was sitting in her lap probably for hours out on the balcony because it was really late when we finally stopped kissing and got back inside. My lips still felt so sore this morning, it's crazy. I have no idea what this means because never in my life have I felt this desire to kiss somebody and never stop.

Sometimes Gabe and I would kiss for a few minutes before sleeping together and it always felt like some sort of warm-up. He wasn't a bad kisser at all but I have to realize that we almost never shared such long kisses without an actual reason. Sure, sometimes we kissed when sitting in front of the TV or after having dinner outside in our rose garden. Those kisses were good and I thought they satisfied me.

But Gabe and I never just sat together for hours and kissed until our mouths hurt so delicately. I never felt sexual satisfaction just by kissing him because I didn't _think_ of it as an actually sexual thing. Kissing was kind of fun with him but I wasn't too upset when he would eventually pull away.

But yesterday…

Kissing Brittany was so much more than just lips touching and tongues playing. It was so sexual… not in a needy, physical way but in a way that gave me so much pleasure, I almost burst on that balcony. I don't know where she learned to kiss like that. Or maybe it is simply because our lips fit like a lock and key. Every move was so smooth and meant everything at that moment. Her hand on my thigh meant that she wanted to touch me. Her tongue against mine meant she wanted to taste me. Her jacket around my shoulders meant she didn't want me to get cold and her soft moans meant she was enjoying this too.

Oh and her heart beating fast meant she was feeling everything I was feeling, too. Not that I could actually _hear_ her heartbeat as it was sort of loud outside but she told me.

" _My heart is beating so fast right now…"_ She whispered against my skin and kissed my neck repeatedly. I was sure she was going to burn her lips on my skin because I felt so incredibly hot. The jacket hadn't been necessary but I still kept it on.

Only when it was becoming a little uncomfortable in that chair, we decided to head inside our room and change into sleeping clothes. There was no more sign of Quinn and Mike's little adventure going on next door but we still just went to bed and fell asleep next to each other after a few minutes, the exhaustion of a long day settling in. The kissing on the balcony had already done so many things to me; I wasn't even craving for more.

When I woke up this morning I watched Brittany sleep for several minutes before waking her up to get ready. She looked so peaceful and relaxed. And it got me thinking…

Never had I felt so safe and at ease while lying in bed with someone. What does this mean? Seriously it's like… like right now I can't think of anyone else I'd rather wake up next to in the mornings. Every morning.

But Brittany and I… I mean we're not a couple. I've never been with a woman before. At least not like this. Vicky Javier and I used to wake up next to each other, too after a sleepover. And during those sleepovers we would often make out. But Vicky would probably have kicked me in the guts if I had suggested we'd start dating. It never got that far because back then I had no idea this could actually be something I wanted.

Do I want to be with Brittany? As in becoming a couple?

That would be… so overwhelming. And so is her smile when she nudges my shoulder and points to the first model that struts over the catwalk. Wow she's pretty… and really tall.

But I don't actually care how good looking those women are up there. Only Brittany is making my heart beat foolishly fast.

Because I know we are gonna spend two more nights in the same room, two days near each other all the time… and if she keeps being so sweet and sexy around me and gives me more of those kisses that do the weirdest things to my heart – I'm going to fall for her hard.

I swallow as the realization hits me that it might have already happened.

But I don't think my heart is ready for that. Don't know if _I'm_ ready for that. Because what if I do it all wrong? My life with Gabe is just a couple steps into my past. It's still there somewhere… it'll take some time until we can actually get a divorce and the thought of all those things we need to take care of gives me a stomach ache.

What if I end up disappointing Brittany because it's all too much? Of all people she deserves to become happy with someone… someone who's completely free at heart and can give her whatever she needs and wants. What if I can't do it?

Maybe I shouldn't think so hard. Maybe she doesn't even look at me like that? She never said she wants a relationship. But it does feel like we're heading there eventually. Could it be?

My parents would probably die of incomprehension. They have a very defined picture of me. Well… it already got rattled when I told them about my break-up with Gabe but me showing up with another woman at family gatherings? I can literally see my dad shaking his head and leaving the room, about to never speak a word to me again.

Because this is what happened when my sister disappointed him by moving across the country and trying a career at dancing. My father called her ridiculous and they hardly speak anymore these days. If he got so upset about that then what would he do when told tell him I was dating another woman?

I bite on my lip when Brittany observes the current model and then scribbles something down on the notepad in her lap. All my thoughts and sorrows float away when she leans closer to Rachel who's sitting on her other side and they giggle at something that she whispers into her ear. Her laugh sounds so carefree and it makes me smile, too.

I'm always worrying too much… I should just enjoy. Because I'm in New York, I'm with the people I love and I'm attending a Paul freakin' Estevez fashion show. Life's good.

* * *

 _ **Brittany… a couple hours later…**_

Everything about this day has been truly amazing. She woke up to Santana's stroking fingers between her shoulder blades and then they had breakfast at the most giant buffet she's ever seen.

Once they arrived at the building where the fashion show would take place, they got overwhelmed by all the impressions. It is the first time she has been to an event as big as this – and she has seen a lot so far.

After lunch she, Quinn and Kurt got to meet Paul Estevez in his office and he was so incredibly lovely and charming – all three of them left on cloud 9 after an hour of talking about his work, his life, his fame…

The fashion show was the bomb because they were surrounded by celebrities and Mr. Estevez or _'simply Paul'_ as he introduced himself, has some serious taste in clothes for women. She has no doubt that Shelby will be more than happy with the end product of their work here. After the fashion show the six of them decided to go for a fancy dinner at a restaurant that Tina had suggested euphorically. Turns out she didn't promise too much. They have just reached dessert and the chocolate mousse in her mouth tastes like heaven.

Rachel is hanging on every word that Quinn says because she's telling the other three how their meeting with Paul went. Since Brittany has already told Santana about everything as soon as she got back, the brunette is not paying too much attention to Quinn's telling and rather focusing on Brittany sitting next to her and her foot nudging Santana's under the table.

"How's your ice cream?" Brittany asks and swallows another spoon of mousse.

"Delicious. How's your mousse?"

"Brilliant… wanna try?" She pushes the bowl to her left and watches how Santana dips her own spoon into the chocolate and guides it to her glorious lips.

"Oh wow" She sighs and smiles when Brittany stares at her mouth.

"So Brittany, what are you wearing for the after show party tomorrow night?" Quinn's voice sounds from across the table but it takes a while until she realizes she's supposed to give an answer. Santana's lips are just… so distracting.

"What I'm wearing tomorrow night? Uhm a dress? Or my black skin tight jeans with pumps." Quinn seems satisfied with her answer and wants to know how Kurt and Rachel are going to show up.

It's a fun evening the six of them share together and she can't help but be really grateful to have met these people and be able to call them her friends. Except for Rachel, they are all new in her life and it has been a while that she made new friends.

Of course she loves Puck and his friendship more than anything but it feels really nice to see that others are interested in her, too. Because for the first time in almost two years she is not bitching at whatever nice things people are trying to say to her. She actually listens to them and enjoys their presence. Today after the interview with Paul, she had a great talk with Kurt and told him about some of her work before she came to the Sylvester magazine.

He's really sweet… a couple months ago she would have snapped at him and probably made a joke about his pretty pony face, only so he'd leave her the hell alone. But for some weird reason she has made a 180 degree turn and loves being around those people because finally, things are making sense again.

One of those weird reasons has dark, wavy hair and is currently laughing at a joke that Mike just told. Her heart flutters when Santana covers her mouth to hide her teeth but then drops her hand as there is no point in hiding, everyone is laughing so hard. Somehow she missed the punch line because she was lost in thoughts about Santana making her life so much better but she laughs nevertheless, she's just happy.

She feels a warm hand on her thigh and when she looks to her left, Santana is leaning in and still chuckling at whatever funny thing Mike was telling.

"Are you having a good time?" Santana asks softly and giggles when Brittany nods with her cheeks definitely flushing. Santana's hand on her thigh gives her all kinds of feelings.

She would love to just put her arm around the Latina's shoulders and pull her a little closer. Instead she places her arm on the back rest of Santana's chair so she can at least lean in better and whisper into her ear.

"A great time actually" She murmurs and grins when Santana shivers a bit.

They smirk at each other and since nobody can see under the table, she puts her hand on Santana's which is still resting on her thigh and their fingers intertwine easily. God this feels all happy couple-like… why isn't this her wife again? A little shocked about her thoughts, she leans back and glances across the table because she thought she felt a scrutinizing glare on her face.

Mike is sitting there next to Quinn and he is definitely staring at her and Santana sitting very close to each other. Maybe the handhold under the table isn't as subtle as she thought? Mike grins with an eyebrow perking up and tilts his head towards them.

"Hey girls… tell me if I'm wrong but you're kind of acting all over each other. Did I miss something?" He says it as if he's talking about the dessert on his plate or the weather. Casually and it still catches Brittany and Santana off guard.

She pulls her hand and her arm away from the brunette and sits straight in her chair, throwing a confused glance at Mike.

"Huh?" She mumbles and scratches her forehead because she doesn't how she's supposed to react. It's just the six of them here but Santana probably doesn't want anybody else to know what's been going on. Except for Quinn and Rachel who already do know…

Luckily Quinn comes to her rescue and strokes Mike's cheek to distract him.

"Mind your own business, M…" She mumbles sweetly and winks at him. The distraction is working and while Quinn and Mike are getting lost in their own little bubble of joy, Brittany throws a glance to her left. Santana is staring at her spoon and chewing on her top lip.

"Shall we ask for the check then?" Rachel interrupts the awkward silence and fumbles on her purse. "And before you all go look for your wallets – I'm inviting you. Actually Shelby does. She wanted a group dinner to be on her because she's actually really glad we're doing this and she could stay in LA."

Brittany mumbles a 'thank you' to Rachel but keeps gazing at the brunette sitting right next to her. Maybe they should talk when they're back at the hotel?

Once Rachel has paid for dinner and they have stepped out of the restaurant, Brittany takes a deep breath of New York night air and hooks arms with Kurt who appears next to her on the sidewalk. She laughs when he nudges her and mumbles that he's really glad they got to meet each other.

She's really glad, too…

* * *

Turns out Santana has other things in mind than talking about stuff once they're back at the hotel… well, they sort of _are_ talking with their mouths and tongues connected and hands roaming all over each other.

For the past ten minutes Santana has been lying on top of her and settled between Brittany's thighs. She loves the feeling of the brunette's weight pressing into her body, especially when she can reach under her dress and explore the skin on Santana's thighs.

As soon as they had stepped into their room and taken off their shoes and jackets, Santana had pushed Brittany towards the bed and landed on top of her with hungry lips looking for her own.

"Let's not think about what Mike said right now. Please…" She whispered while getting lost in Brittany's eyes and so she obeyed. All she wanted was for Santana to feel good and not worry about anything.

She grabbed Santana's cheeks and pulled her in for a kiss that would communicate at least some of the things she wanted to say. With those kisses right now she says that she wants Santana and that it's ok not to talk tonight. Soon they will have to come clear about what this is and what both of them want to happen in the future. But right now it's okay.

She catches her breath when Santana pulls away from the kiss to get up from between her thighs. The Latina stands next to the bed and Brittany watches with big eyes how she takes of her dress and lets it sink to the floor.

"Sorry, was uncomfortable." Santana explains when she crawls back on top of Brittany with nothing but her bra and underwear on.

"Oh yeah, no problem" She answers and gulps at the feeling of a half naked Santana straddling her waist.

"Can we…" Santana begins when she's looking down at Brittany and shyly bites on her lip. "Can we just kiss tonight? I mean I know I just took of my dress and it looks like I'm about to hump you but the truth is I'm so exhausted from this day."

Brittany grins at the bashful expression on the brunette's face. Actually she can't think of a better thing to do tonight. Of course she wouldn't say no to the other thing but if she's honest, her eyelids feel kind of heavy, too and just kissing Santana last night had felt so incredibly good.

She reaches for Santana's waist and pulls her down until they're lying flush against each other.

"Anything you want" She hums against those lips she adores so much and with some effort she manages to flip them around. "Let me just get out of these clothes and my lips are yours all night." She flirts and nudges Santana's cheek with her nose before getting up from the mattress and mirroring the brunette's earlier actions by stripping out of her clothes and throwing them on the floor.

Quickly she hurries across the room to turn off the light and instead she turns on the TV. She puts the volume bit lower and picks some random channel before climbing back onto the bed and pulling the sheets with her.

"Come here" She mumbles and holds the sheets up until Santana has crawled underneath, too. Truth be told; she has never been a very cuddly person. Back in the day she and Diane would often lie in bed on Sunday mornings in each other's arms while listening to some song on the radio and they would play with each other's hair or fingers. But somehow whenever they went to bed together, they either fell asleep right away with one spooning the other or they would have sex and doze off afterwards with their legs entangled.

A _night_ full of cuddles and kisses almost never happened. And whenever one of her hook ups tried to cuddle up to her after some earth shattering orgasm, she uncomfortably pulled away and went looking for her clothes.

Now with Santana everything seems different… She had no idea she would enjoy this so much. But she loves how they have cuddled several times on her couch back at home and she loves how Santana is now snuggling up to her until they are facing each other in the almost dark room. No more words need to be spoken when they smile at each other and Brittany supports herself on her elbow so she can hover over Santana's face and lean in for a kiss. She closes her eyes at the feeling of warm lips against her own and her hand automatically reaches into Santana's hair.

Kisses are amazing… Kisses are the best. Especially with Santana since she kisses so delicately. A bit careful and curious at the same time… and simply breathtaking.

Seriously, she has to pull back after what feels like only fifteen seconds and inhale a sharp breath of air through slightly trembling lips. Santana chuckles at Brittany's breathlessness and gently cups her left cheek.

Brittany chews on her bottom lip and is a little embarrassed about the fact that her cheeks feel so hot under Santana's touch. She's acting like a fourteen-year-old boy who might explode any second. Santana tugs at Brittany's arms and smiles softly.

"Come here" She repeats Brittany's earlier words and pulls Brittany on top of her. "Just kiss me…" She whispers and the begging tone in her voice gets Brittany all weak and so the only thing she knows to do is lower her face until their lips collide once more. This time, Brittany's stamina doesn't let her down and they kiss way longer than fifteen seconds. Way way longer…

* * *

 _ **The next day… at the after-show party…**_

"Brittany! You are soooo hot! Seriously! You're the hottest piece of action on this dance floor – why are you so good at this?" Kurt's voice cracks when he yells at Brittany and grabs her wrists to drag her closer. "You have to show me how you do these moves! Everybody in here is basically drooling all over themselves while watching you dance!"

Brittany laughs and wraps her arms around Kurt's neck. This after-show party is seriously awesome. At first she had her doubts because she thought all those snobby people would be here and just stand next to the dance floor and sip hilariously expensive champagne. But it turns out that Paul Estevez does not only know how to tailor dresses, he also knows how to host the most amazing party she's ever been to.

The dance floor is giant, the drinks are fabulous, the atmosphere brilliant and the DJ is playing 'Dance Like This' which is only her favorite song to dance sexy. Santana has never looked hotter in her short red dress and stilettos while dancing with Quinn and Rachel just a few feet away from her.

"You need to be a little looser in the hips!" She yells into Kurt's ear and grabs his waist to show what she means.

"Loose?"

"Yeah you know… try to move your hips and not your legs too much!" Kurt's eyes widen when she grinds against him to demonstrate.

"Whoa Britt careful – I might turn straight if you keep doing that!" He laughs and tries to mirror her movements.

She winks at him and twirls around in his embrace so she can move against his front. The actual reason she turned around though, is so she can watch Santana dancing near them.

The brunette must have been eying her and Kurt because there is a spark in her dark eyes and she's smiling devilishly. It's too good.

"Hey Kurt" She mumbles when she turns back to face him. "I kind of wanna go dance with the girls for a while, do you mind?"

"No problem! I really need something to drink anyways. Have fun!" He bumps her shoulder and then leaves the dance floor before Brittany turns around and makes her way over to Santana and the others. The Latina can't see her approaching as she is now dancing with her back towards her.

"Hey there…" Brittany murmurs into Santana's ear when she steps close behind her. Her hands make their way around the brunette's hips until they land on her stomach and two seconds later she feels another hand cupping them. "Having a good time?" She asks and wants to place a kiss on the tanned shoulder in front of her but holds back when she's suddenly not so sure how to behave in public.

"Absolutely… what about yourself?" Santana asks over her shoulder and Brittany only catches a short glimpse of her. "You and Kurt are getting along quite well, huh?"

Brittany bites on her lip to suppress a grin because jealous Santana is priceless. Especially when there is no reason to be jealous.

"Of course! I mean he's hot!" Brittany shrugs because Kurt is definitely some serious eye candy in her opinion. Santana throws another glance over her shoulder while they are moving together to the rhythm of the song. "But you know…" Brittany decides that probably no one is paying attention and presses a quick kiss to Santana's shoulder. "He's gay, I'm gay…"

She can hear Santana's throaty laugh and pulls her closer into her front.

"And I have kind of laid my eyes on someone else on this dance floor." She closes her eyes at the feeling of Santana's backside against her front because - oh hot damn.

"Oh yeah?" Santana mumbles and Brittany is pretty sure to detect a tremble in her voice.

"Yeah… and I was just thinking of that date you promised in one of your text messages before we got on the flight in L.A., remember?"

"U-huh?"

"Wanna get out of here? Get a drink somewhere else?"

That's when Santana turns around in her arms and smirks at her with a blink of the eye.

"I can't say no if I made a promise, can I?" She teases and quickly informs Quinn and Rachel that they are heading out.

Well that was easy… She grabs Santana's hand and doesn't even bother saying goodbye to the girls because they will see them again in the morning anyways. She guides them through the dancing crowd and feels a rush of butterflies in her stomach when she thinks that now the night is only just beginning.

* * *

"Okay I've got another… first crush at high school?"

Brittany narrows her eyes and thinks about who her first serious crush was. For the past thirty minutes they have been sitting in this small bar a couple minutes away from the what they call the 'Estevez palace' and they've been asking each other questions about their past. Actually they said they would always just answer one question at a time but since they have been neglecting it in the past couple days, they decided to make up for it and go for a ten questions round.

"Oh God that was so long ago. I think her name was Laura and she was on the cheerios with me. She had one fine body and really pretty hair and one day she took me to the school nurse because I had managed to dislocate my shoulder during practice. I ended up in the hospital but that was definitely the day I had developed my first crush. What about you?"

Santana grins at Brittany's story and then takes a sip of her cocktail before she answers the question.

"I guess I was fifteen when my mother had just hired a gardener for the summer. His name was Pablo and whenever he thought nobody was home, he sang Enrique Iglesias songs with the corniest voice I had ever heard and I imagined he was singing to me. Totally stole my heart for that one summer…"

"Aww… isn't that romantic" Brittany laughs and nudges Santana's foot under the table. "Maybe I should try singing instead of dancing then?" She suggests with a wink and watches how Santana throws a sheepish glance at her.

"Maybe… but I'd say your dancing is working just fine for me actually."

Brittany wants to counter with something or ask another question but the excitement in her chest and the smile on her lips make it kind of hard to form a sentence…

* * *

"My feet are hurting so badly right now. It's been a while that I wore these stilettos for several hours." Santana mutters when they walk side by side on a sidewalk with their fingers entangled. "And our hotel is still so far! Can't we take a shortcut or something?"

Brittany chuckles and lets go of Santana's hand so she can put her arm around her shoulders instead. It's getting pretty fresh outside and the Latina only brought a thin jacket.

"They really hurt that bad? I guess we can take another street that'll be a little shorter. Do you need me to carry you?" She suggests and earns a groan.

"Almost… but I think I'll make it. Do we need to turn right here?" Santana points to an alley and Brittany nods.

"Yeah, I think that's the quickest way. Hey did you see how Mike danced tonight? Seriously, I don't know what he is doing at the Sylvester magazine. I have no doubt he would make it as a professional dancer out there!"

"You're right, he's really amazing. But Kurt told me once that Mike is actually terrified to dance in front of an audience. He's ok with dancing at a club but not like on stage or in front of camera." Santana explains and Brittany tries to listen but she's suddenly feeling extremely uncomfortable.

Maybe taking a shortcut wasn't the best idea. Someone is walking a couple steps behind them and other than that there is no one else in this alley. She squeezes Santana's shoulder a little tighter and stops herself from looking who's walking behind them.

"Do you think at this time of night we can still get room serv-"

"Hey I was thinking… maybe we could visit your parents in the morning?" Brittany interrupts Santana and earns a very confused glance.

"Huh?"

"You know… we haven't seen them in a while." She doesn't know why she came up with _this_. She just wants them to talk about anything other than room service of a hotel. Nobody needs to know they are tourists.

"My parents?" Santana asks dopey but before Brittany can give further explanations, they hear a male voice calling them.

"Excuse me ladies!" Santana stiffens in her embrace and Brittany's heart sinks low. She's not even sure it's beating anymore. "Ladies, can you help me real quick?"

They are still walking with quick steps and Brittany presses her eyelids together. Shit… why the fuck did they take a shortcut?

"Keep walking" She mumbles to Santana and the brunette nods hardly noticeable.

If this guy is really looking for help then he'll find someone else. But if he wants something else then they're lost. If they just keep walking fast, then maybe they will make it to the end of this valley in time. She knows that thought is naïve because she can already hear heavy steps gaining on them and then there is a man standing in front of them, blocking their way. She was counting with a big freaking Hulk kind of guy but this one is skinny and smaller than Brittany.

"What? You're just gonna ignore if somebody's calling for help?" He asks and shrugs.

Her heart is beating so fast right now because she knows exactly they can only lose from now on. Either he wants their money and will let them go or he has some weapon and will try to do god knows what.

She just hopes that Santana will not yell for help or try to attack him out of nowhere. Her brother Charlie once got mugged by a group of teenagers when he was only seventeen. He didn't get physically harmed because he did exactly what they wanted and kept calm. Maybe this guy will let them go, too if they cooperate.

"Thought you were talking to someone else." Brittany explains eventually and keeps her arm firmly around Santana's shoulders. Her voice sounds calm even though hundreds of thoughts are racing in her mind and her heart is throbbing against her ribcage.

Please let this just turn out okay, she begs the universe and looks into the face of the intruder. He doesn't look especially frightening. Actually he looks like he's not much older than eighteen and the insecurity is written in his face. Maybe he'll freak out before anything happens and he'll run away.

"Do you _see_ anybody else, blondie?" He spites and seems to overpower his initial hesitancy. "Come on, you know exactly what I want – give me whatever shit money you have on you and we can all go home safe tonight." He says and avoids direct eye contact with Brittany.

"Okay" Brittany drops her hand from Santana's shoulder and reaches for the purse she's carrying around her neck. "Get your money out." She mumbles to Santana and the brunette does as she's told.

Together they don't come up with much more than twenty dollars because they spent it all on shopping this afternoon and the cocktails they had at the bar. With shaky hands Santana reaches her money to the young man and he stares at it.

"That's all? You look like you're staying at a fucking Plaza Hotel!"

"We spent our cash tonight and didn't bring our credit cards – we don't have more." Brittany explains and starts to feel really anxious. Getting him angry is not on the 'do-list' right now.

"Give me your earrings then!" He hisses and points to Santana. Brittany turns to look at her and sees she's already fumbling on her expensive pearl earrings.

"Okay, they're yours. Please let us go now." Santana mumbles when she hands him the jewelry. "You look really young, I'm sure you don't want to get into any trouble, either." She adds and the young man bites on his lip.

"Shut up, lady and don't tell me what to do. What else do you have on you?" He throws a nervous glance over his shoulder and looks past them to see if there's still no one else coming.

"I swear there is nothing else we can give. We're on our way home after a long night out – she already gave you the earrings now go away." Brittany begs and grabs Santana's hand as the guy's making a step towards the Latina.

"Your dress looks super fancy. Take it off." He states and swallows. Suddenly he looks scared as hell. Brittany closes her eyes and squeezes the cold hand in hers. Although the young man seems to be freaking out just as much as they are, he sounds completely serious.

"I…" Santana begins but then looks down at her body and tugs at her dress. The zipper is on her back and it looks like a dress you can't just take off in one second.

"Hurry the fuck up and take that dress off!" He says strongly and reaches into his pocket. Brittany suppresses a gasp when she sees the knife in his hand and how he reaches for Santana's wrist. "Are you deaf?" He asks and yanks Santana away from Brittany.

Brittany's mind goes blank when the knife's blade glistens dangerously close to Santana's upper body. Coldness shoots through her body and she feels she's gonna throw up any second. Everything is happening so fast and she doesn't know what to do. She can't just reach for Santana and pull her away from him because he'll probably try and stab one of them. She can't scream for help because it'll cause him to do something stupid, as well.

"The – the zipper is on the b-back" Santana whimpers when she stumbles at another of his forceful pulls to turn her around. He fumbles on the zipper but Brittany can see that his hands are shaking and he's completely incapable of getting it unzipped.

"Fuck!" He yells and pushes Santana back towards Brittany. Although she wasn't counting with it, she catches the brunette safely in her arms. "Open it!" He points at Brittany and lifts his knife up in the air.

Brittany realizes that she's supposed to unzip Santana's dress and even though she really doesn't want the brunette to take it off, they have to do what he says. Unless…

She pushes Santana's raven hair to the side so she can have a look at the zipper.

"Do it" Santana whispers and Brittany nods quickly. The young man is standing close to them and Brittany can see the knife in the corner of her eye. Santana's body is shivering and she can almost hear both their hearts beating desperately in unison. It's safe to say she has reached the point where she is scared to death. Scared to death that Santana will get hurt…

While she's fumbling on the zipper and slowly pulling it down, she throws a quick glance at the boy. That's what he is – he's a _boy_ and he's freaking out. She can see it in his terrified eyes that are scanning the area around them. His hand holding the knife is trembling and he looks incredibly weak now. When he turns his head to check the space behind him, Brittany goes on autopilot.

It happens within three seconds but she lets go of Santana's dress and quickly pushes the brunette behind her. She lunges out and kicks the guy in the nuts. Hard.

With a clashing sound the knife drops to the ground, followed by a painful squeal that leaves his lungs. Brittany watches how the guy squirms with pain and his knees give in.

"F-fucking bitch!" He tries to holler but it comes out as a high pitched gasp.

"Oh my God" She can hear Santana's voice from right behind her and then she feels a hand grabbing her elbow. "Come on, Brittany!"

She turns around and finds Santana's dark eyes staring at her. There is still fear and shock written in her eyes but now the brunette also looks at her with a hint of admiration.

But there is no time to get sentimental.

"Hurry!" Is the only thing that Brittany manages to say and she takes Santana's hand into hers before they start jogging away quickly. She throws a glance over her shoulder and sees that the guy is trying to get back on trembling legs but he doesn't follow them.

It takes them ten seconds to get into another street and there are people. People out there and she instantly feels safer.

"It's not that far anymore." She mumbles and looks to her right where Santana is trying to catch up with her hasty steps. She pulls the brunette's hand up to her lips and kisses it, trying to show that they are safe now. "We're okay" She kisses the back of Santana's hand several times and catches her glance.

Santana looks scared and desperate but there is warmth in her eyes which lets her know that she heard what Brittany just said.

* * *

She doesn't know how they made the way back to their hotel that quickly but it feels like they flew. She also doesn't remember how they took off their clothes and brushed their teeth and got ready for bed. If she tried hard than she probably would remember how they did it all but right now it's so not important. The only important thing is that Santana is safely lying in her arms under the covers.

It's almost 3am but she has never felt more awake. She knows that the door is locked and that they are safe here. But she feels like she needs to protect Santana from whatever harm could be out there. The shocked look on her face when the man said she should take off her dress keeps appearing in front of Brittany's inner eye.

Also how she pulled down the zipper of Santana's dress… horrible. She wonders what the young man will do with their thirty dollars. Buy drugs? Food? Diapers for his baby? Probably not…

What did he think he was gonna do with Santana's dress? Sell it on a street corner? Would he have actually tried to stab either of them if they had run away without putting him out of action first? She can't believe how recklessly she acted. It could have gotten completely wrong. What if she had missed his balls? You should never try to attack your attacker, right? Especially when he's got a knife?

But her body wasn't listening to her brain. It just happened as soon as he had turned around. It was not in her power to stop herself, too strong was the instinct to protect Santana and herself. It's really easy to say you have to keep calm and do what the attacker says. But one can't know what his plans are! What if he wanted their money _and_ to rape them behind the next dumpster?

She snaps out of her thoughts when Santana stirs in her sleep and a whimper leaves her lips. She mumbles something that Brittany can't make out but it sounds very desperate and helpless.

"Shh…" She coos and tries to catch Santana's wrist when the brunette starts hitting the air around them. "Ow."

Santana's hand lands flat against her cheek and even though it hurts a little, Brittany only scoots closer to the Latina and starts kissing her face softly, her fingers wrapping around restless wrists.

"Santana…" She whispers into the brunette's ear and nudges her cheek. She must be dreaming of what happened tonight. She's heard that you shouldn't wake a person having a nightmare but she also can't watch Santana suffering in her sleep.

She presses the softest kisses against a sweaty temple and holds Santana's desperate hands close to her chest until they stop moving hectically and come to rest.

"Brittany?" Santana's voice sounds teary when she finally opens her eyes and glances up.

"Yes, I'm right here. Don't worry, Santana. It's all okay now. We're fine…" She whispers and cups Santana's damp cheek as a teardrop is rolling down. With her thumb she strokes over trembling warm lips and looks deep into Santana's eyes that are filled with despair.

They are hastily roaming over Brittany's face to look for any kind of sign that would claim the opposite of being fine. Brittany sustains her glance and feels Santana quivering slightly underneath her.

"I thought he was gonna jump at you when you kicked him."

"I'm so sorry… I don't know what I was doing."

Santana slowly shakes her head and one of her hands makes its way to Brittany's collarbone.

"You shielded me." She whispers and her fingers run over the skin on Brittany's neck up to her jaw. "As if nothing mattered more than me. How can you… how can you…" She trails off and they look at each other for long seconds.

 _Because you mean so much to me…_ Brittany wishes she could say those words and actually it'd be really easy. Santana is quicker and lifts her head from the pillow to kiss Brittany without further warning. She kisses her hard and soft at the same time, desperately wrapping her arms around Brittany's upper body. She's so overwhelmed that she parts her lips to get air and the Latina uses the opportunity to dip her tongue into Brittany's mouth. A sigh leaves her lips when she feels Santana pressing into her from underneath and the kiss turns so passionate within seconds.

She's still supporting herself on her elbow and lets one of her hands disappear under Santana's shirt until she's cupping her breast and squeezing it confidently. Where the sudden need for this comes from, she doesn't know… but she needs it so badly. Santana moans into the kiss and her leg wraps around Brittany waist to hold her as close as possible.

Gentle kisses and touches are not what either of them need right now. What they need is feeling each other's body close to each other, the heat of their skin, the want in their kisses. They need to physically feel the other is there and won't leave tonight.

With surprising force Santana pushes Brittany on her back and takes off her own tank top before tugging at Brittany's. She sits up to grant Santana whatever she wants to do with it. It's gone before she knows it and their naked chests collide when Santana rolls on top of her. She's so ready to give Santana everything she needs and craves but the determined kisses she gets from her, let her know that Santana is in charge now.

She gasps when a warm hand cups her between the legs and puts just enough pressure for both of them to feel how turned on Brittany is. Is it really ok to be this ready when they got mugged only two hours ago?

They should be talking about it to process what happened – hell, they should be at the police station and tell somebody what happened! Screw the police… what she needs is Santana's hand exactly where it is right now.

Their tongues are battling and playing while she lets her hands run through thick black hair. Santana's hand disappears in her underwear and starts stroking her at places that make her gasp and moan unexpectedly heavy.

Just when she wants to cup Santana's cheeks to feel the heat underneath her fingertips, the brunette lowers her kisses to Brittany's neck and her collarbone. She presses her eyelids together when warm lips explore her breasts seconds later and the hand between her legs knows exactly how to make her tremble with want for more.

When those hot kisses keep moving lower and lower and circle her bellybutton, she supports herself on her elbows so she can look down at Santana.

"What are you doing…" She breathes and her eyes almost roll into the back of her head when Santana's lips press a kiss on the waistband of her underwear. The brunette looks up and slowly pulls her hand out of Brittany's underwear.

"I want to." She assures Brittany and hooks one of her thumbs under the waistband, ready to pull down.

"But…" Brittany's breathing is embarrassingly erratic and she wishes Santana wouldn't give her that look. This is not just them cuddling on the couch or dancing on the dance floor. Santana has never done this before – what if she freaks out and will never want to be close to Brittany again because she finds it gross or weird?

She almost forgets her sorrows when Santana starts pulling down her underwear and she automatically lifts her pelvis to help her.

"I really want to." She repeats when Brittany is completely naked and Santana supports herself on her hands on either side of Brittany's hips and kneels between her thighs. "Unless you don't?" She adds and their eyes meet for a look that'll tell the truth no matter what.

Brittany sits up straight so their faces are only inches apart.

"No, I do – I just… don't want you to think you _have_ to." She mumbles but stops when Santana shakes her head.

"Stop thinking" The brunette whispers and blows a kiss to her lips. Brittany sinks back on her elbows when Santana kisses her stomach and her hips and lies down between her legs. "Maybe you have to tell me when I don't know what to do."

She hears Santana's voice when her lips press a kiss to the inside of her left thigh. Brittany nods even though Santana can't see it and closes her eyes when hot air hits her center and tells her that Santana's face is really close.

A sigh leaves her lips when she receives a kiss to her most intimate body part and she almost bursts with want and need. She guides her hand into Santana's hair to assure her it's ok and opens her eyes when a second and a third kiss follow after that.

Kisses turn into strokes with her tongue and Brittany forgets how words work. She wants to tell Santana that it feels so incredible but she can't form a sentence right now. And so she moans at the hot sensation and the picture of Santana so intimately close to her.

She wishes she could relax more and make this last as long as possible but it feels so amazingly good that she knows exactly she won't last for many minutes.

"Is this ok?" Santana whispers and throws a glance up at Brittany's face.

Brittany nods hastily and swallows when Santana's lips lower back to where they were seconds ago.

"Yes" She croaks and closes her eyes for a second to regain composure. "You can also… inside. Or with your fingers if you want to." She glances back at Santana and hopes she didn't say something wrong but when she feels something wet and warm push into her, she collapses onto the mattress and grabs the pillow above her to cover her mouth and muffle a loud groan. She can see sparkling stars and colored dots when she presses her eyes shut because she's already so close to the climax but keeps fighting it. Every second of it is so amazing and she doesn't want to let go just yet.

It's getting hard to breathe with the pillow still on top of her and so she throws it away and reaches down to get any part of Santana's body to hold on to. She finds a hand and grabs it desperately, letting Santana know that she's coming. There's no way she can make it longer. She wants to get there.

Her hips are moving on their own accord and she doesn't care anymore about the moans that leave her lungs. She cries out when everything inside her erupts with the most intense feeling she knows and warmth shoots from the core of her body to her fingertips and spreads like a blanket settling on her skin.

She's breathing so heavily and the muscles in her stomach twitch forcefully when Santana keeps kissing her. Their hands are entangled on Brittany's hip and they hold on so strongly. What is Santana doing to her… why does she feel like she's floating above the mattress? How does she do this? She's never felt it this intense. Never…

Slowly Santana's kisses wander back up and help calming the trembling in Brittany's body. Brittany's breath still hitches when Santana reaches her chest and kisses a path between her breasts until she arrives at her chin and waiting lips. She sighs into Santana's hot mouth when they connect so sweetly and let their breaths mingle.

She opens her eyes when their lips part after what feels like minutes of kissing and blue gets hopelessly lost in brown. Her hands wander over Santana's back and her legs wrap around a slender waist. Her heart is beating fast and her chest feels as if it's about to explode. But weirdly it has nothing to do with the orgasm Santana just gave her. Her heart is throbbing and her lips tremble when she parts them because she can't help it. She just can't help it.

"I love you"

The world stands still, she's pretty sure. Dark eyes widen and the air in her lungs goes missing when she realizes she said it out loud.


	6. Part VI

**Chapter 21 *Reactions***

 _ **About a year ago… Brittany…**_

It had been another one of those days… everything went wrong that possibly could. For the third time that week her boss hadn't been satisfied with her work and she couldn't even blame him. She had a hard time concentrating and wrote the worst articles in her short but successful career so far.

Many hours later her car broke down while she was on her way to a late shift at the club and she had to call Puck to get into his car and give her a ride. The security guy had to come help her twice that night because two drunk guys thought they could grope her ass when she served them their shots. Only because it was such good money did she work those shifts and because it kept her busy. At home she'd only hang in front of the TV and think about how shitty her life was. Work kept her mind off remembering… work made her feel useful.

"Brittany! There's someone at the bar counter asking when your shift is over! Do you want me to tell her you're busy? It's the girl with the short blonde hair… really cute" Brittany put her tray on a table for two and threw a glance over her shoulder. Sara, her co-worker winked at her and pointed to the counter where Brittany spotted the mentioned girl. A rush of nervousness filled her chest because she wasn't counting with seeing Vivian so soon again.

"Oh uh… no, I'll be right there! Thanks Sara." She smiled at the other waitress and then thanked the two girls sitting at the table for the generous tip after serving them their drinks.

She grabbed the tray and made her way through the crowded bar until she reached the counter where Vivian was sitting on a stool.

"Hey" She said and tapped the blonde's shoulder. Vivian turned around and a bright smile graced her lips.

"Hey yourself. Sorry to bother you during your shift but I was around and thought I'd see if you're working tonight and maybe wanna… hang out later?"

Brittany narrowed her eyes at the flirty tone in Vivian's voice. Of course they both knew that by 'hanging out later' she actually meant fucking. They'd done it several times now and Brittany wasn't sure why. Usually she'd lose interest after a one night stand and never gave away her number but somehow she and Vivian had ended up in bed together more than once. It was probably because Vivian wasn't freaking cuddly like most of the other girls. She didn't want to snuggle afterwards, they would just lie on the mattress and let each other catch their breaths before they'd get up and either take a shower or have a drink on Brittany's balcony.

They didn't talk much but really appreciated each other's bodies. Because Vivian did have an awesome body… she was a hobby dancer just like Brittany, well trained, had a very pretty face and her tongue piercing had been a nice surprise during their first kiss.

She didn't know why she felt a tingling sensation in her stomach by looking at Vivian. Maybe it was because she knew that they were going to hook up later and the woman was really not a bad lay. But she had been thinking about Vivian more often lately than she wanted to allow herself.

She wasn't looking for a relationship or anything – hell no… but for the first time since Diane's death she sort of liked a girl as in more than just liking to give her an orgasm.

"My shift is over in twenty minutes." Brittany stated and pointed at Vivian's empty glass. "Can I get you another? It's on me."

Vivian perked an eyebrow up and nodded.

"Sure, thanks" Brittany put the empty glass on her tray and smirked at the blonde before walking away and disappearing behind the counter.

Forty minutes later she had Vivian pinned down on the couch in her living room and her lips were connected to the other blonde's hot mouth. It was an amazing kiss and she jerked as the realization hit her why her heart was beating fast.

At first she thought it was because they ran up the stairs to her apartment but she calmed down once they had grabbed a beer out of the fridge and taken a few sips. Her heart was beating fast because she was _this_ close to developing feelings for Vivian. But this was so not the plan. She didn't want anything serious, right? It'd be too complicated. She didn't have time because she was working like a maniac and well… she still thought about Diane way too often.

Could it be that she liked Vivian? That they could be something bigger? It wasn't impossible. Maybe she had been an emotional cripple in the past couple months but it didn't mean that she couldn't fall for a girl again. Maybe she should just give it a try?

"Brittany" Vivian sighed and wrapped her legs around Brittany's waist. "Please just… fuck me already."

Brittany's eyes fluttered open and she looked down into desperate green ones. _Fuck me already…_ The words confused her so badly even though she knew exactly that this was why they were here. Or not? Maybe Vivian felt those tingles in her chest, too when they saw each other.

"Viv" Brittany whispered and grabbed the blonde's hand that was fumbling on Brittany's belt. "Wait…"

Vivian looked up and her eyebrows furrowed.

"What? Is something wrong?" She asked with a shaky voice, the anticipation showing.

"No, no" Brittany mumbled and smiled at the girl beneath her. She had never looked at her freckles this closely. They were cute. "It's just… maybe we could do something else?"

"Something else?"

"Y-yeah"

Vivian frowned and her free hand wandered up and down Brittany's arm.

"What do you mean something else? We're kind of in the middle of something great and I really… _really_ want us to finish it."

Brittany chuckled and leaned down to peck Vivian's cheek.

"I know, me too. We can finish it later in my bedroom. I was thinking we could watch a movie first. Or something." Her breath hitched in her throat when she saw the slight confusion written over Vivian's face. Maybe it was a bad idea but she wanted to try this. It could be fun. And Vivian was a really nice girl.

"You wanna watch a movie?" She questioned and Brittany slowly nodded. "Okay but why? Aren't you turned on anymore? 'cause you were breathing pretty heavily just a minute ago." Vivian smirked and grinded her hips up into Brittany's which caused both of them to moan softly.

"I… I am. But-"

"Britt… I come here for one reason, right? We both love getting it on and so far it's been simply amazing."

"I know. That's why I thought maybe we should do other stuff, too. Maybe we could go on a date sometime." Her heart was racing in her chest and she couldn't believe she just said those words. Was she out of her mind? A date?

"A date?" Vivian whispered and the smile on her face faltered. "Brittany… I'm flattered, I really am. But-" Brittany swallowed hard and a heavy feeling settled in her chest. She was ashamed of the sudden hurt she was feeling because she should have known that Vivian wasn't interested. "But I want things to stay the way they are. I'm sorry, I'm sure you'd be a great girlfr-"

"No, I probably wouldn't." Brittany interrupted and she was a bit surprised about the sudden cruelness in her voice. She pushed herself up and knelt between Vivian's thighs. They stared at each other for a couple wordless seconds and the embarrassment and anger slapped her across the face. How could she be so stupid?

"You should go. I'm tired." Brittany mumbled and grabbed Vivian's top which had been hanging on the backrest of the couch. She dropped it on her chest and got up on her feet. Her hands ran through her hair and she pressed her eyelids together when she heard Vivian getting up from the couch, too.

"Brittany, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's ok. I wasn't completely serious anyways. Just go home now, ok?"

"I really like you and you deserve to find someone after everything you've been through."

Brittany's heart skipped a beat at that and it felt like the air was getting thinner. Slowly she turned around and watched how Vivian nervously fumbled on the shirt in her hands.

"What? What are you talking about?" She asked with a faint voice and the lump in her throat hurt. Vivian's eyes widened and she looked desperate.

"Oh… I mean I've heard what happened. That your girlfriend passed away last year and-"

"Why the fuck would you know that?" Brittany spit and glared at the short haired girl. Vivian shrugged carefully and bit on her top lip.

"People talk… I've heard that this is the reason why you're so angry-"

"Shut up" Brittany's heart was hammering in her chest and she clenched her teeth together. "Shut up and leave"

"Britt"

"Get the fuck out, Vivian!" She shouted and angrily pointed to the front door. She watched how Vivian grabbed her jacket off the floor and made quick steps across the small living room. She threw a regretful glance at Brittany before she reached for the doorknob and opened the door.

Brittany turned around and scuffed towards her bedroom after she heard the door closing.

Hours later she was lying under the covers and once the tears had dried, she swore she'd never end up in a situation like this again. She'd never ask a girl out on a date, she'd never kiss them with that much passion, she'd never feel the butterflies and she'd definitely never fall for a girl again.

Never ever again.

* * *

 _ **The current day… 25'000 feet above the ground…**_

She smiles weakly at the memory. After that night she ran into Vivian a couple times and the blonde was still interested in her (physically) but Brittany only snapped and told her to leave her alone.

She's not sure why she has to think of Vivian so intensively now. But it actually makes sense… after Vivian she swore she'd never get attached to a woman again. And here she is falling for Santana. There's nothing she can do. She got run over the day she met Santana – literally and metaphorically. Without warning Santana burst into her life and turned everything upside down and she finds herself wanting it even though it still scares the crap out of her. What if this turns out to become another love story without a happy ending? She and Diane didn't get the happy ending. A crappy ending…

She can't handle another loss. Santana would definitely be capable to break her heart because she's already gotten so attached to the Latina. It's been really easy to fall for her.

Sometimes fear and love must walk hand in hand, right? Because no matter how scared she is; for the first time in years she feels completely safe with someone. For the first time she wants all those things she swore she'd never get close to again.

She sighs heavily and throws a glance to her left where Rachel is slumbering with a book in her hands. Across the aisle there are Kurt and Mike and they're playing cards which Brittany finds quite funny. She turns her head and looks over her shoulder where she finds Santana a row behind and curled up in her seat, headphones on her head and a blanket pulled up to her shoulders. Her eyes are closed but Brittany can't tell if she's sleeping. It wouldn't surprise her if she was though, regarding the amount of sleep they got last night.

Partying, dancing, drinking… getting mugged, crying, kissing… and then she said those three words. She swallows and turns to look away from the brunette. Her heart still jumps when she thinks of it. On one hand she wishes she knew what Santana was thinking at that moment but on the other she's glad she can't know. It's ok the way it is…

* * *

 _ **Santana's POV… later…**_

Quinn's pills for travel sickness turn out to be a true life saver because I'm feeling surprisingly fit once we land in L.A. It's late afternoon and the weather is stunning – it's good to be home. Quinn babbles something about already planning her next trip to the Big Apple but I'm not really listening. Instead I keep throwing looks at Brittany, hoping she'll look at me, too.

We're waiting for the next cab because Rachel and Mike took the first one together as they live near each other. When Brittany finally does look at me, I'm at loss of words. She smiles so sweetly and shyly and I get all nervous. I try to smile back at her but I'm not sure if it's working. Ever since last night my emotions are all over the place. She told me she loves me and my reaction was the reaction of the century but not in a good way…

… _Late last night…_

 _She looked at me so deeply and with such adoration that I was sure I was going to melt in her arms. Never had I felt this connected to someone. Never had I heard someone's heart beat out of their chest because of me._

 _Minutes ago she was squeezing my hand almost painfully tight and gasping incomprehensible words just because I did something I had never done before. I had no idea I was good at this. But once I started kissing her lower than her bellybutton and played with her butterfly tattoo, she became all mine and even though she didn't say it – her actions begged me to release her. Her grip on my hand, her wriggling body, her shaking thighs… my God, she was breathtaking._

 _Once she had come down from her high and was lying in my arms after many soothing kisses, she watched how I studied her face and listened to her breathing that was still not quite even. When our eyes locked she looked so vulnerable. I thought I could see right into her._

 _She parted her lips and I could tell she was about to say something but the words that left her lips surprised me. At first they just sounded in my ears but when I realized what they meant, they got injected straight into my heart._

 _"I love you"_

 _My heart stopped beating. I held my breath and Brittany's warm hands on my back held me close. She meant it, I knew immediately. She meant it with all her heart. The trembling lips, the shaky breath. I could have cried. She was so beautiful and I was… speechless._

 _My eyes wandered over her facials and I couldn't believe I deserved this. I had been living a shallow life. Pretended to be in love with my husband and then cheated by kissing another woman at a staff party of the Sylvester magazine._ _I hit a woman with my car because I was driving without the lights on… Left my husband behind to be with that woman._

 _How did I deserve to feel so loved? So happy in the most exciting city in the world while others were being left behind and broken hearted?_ _I wanted her so much. And I wanted her to know that. But seconds passed while I was thinking all this. I always had to think so much! Silly! And then it was too late. I had missed my chance to say it back because if you have to think this much then it obviously means you're not ready to say it._

 _"That's great" Came over my lips instead. Oh my… no… just no._

 _Brittany blinked at me puzzled and I wanted to get up and kick my own butt. That's_ _great_ _? What the heck? Passing an exam is great. Moving into a new apartment is great. Meeting Paul Estevez is freakin' great but a love confession?_

 _"I mean… I – I mean… I'm happy!" Worse. "I'm really- this is… wow so, so-" Shut up!_

 _"Hey" Brittany whispered and I couldn't believe she was smiling so angelically at the stuttering mess lying on top of her. "Just kiss me."_

 _I started breathing again when Brittany said it so lovingly and her arms around my upper body pulled me into her. Her lips ghosted over my cheek and then they were on mine and kissed me longingly._

 _She wasn't mad?_

 _I cupped her face with my trembling hands and kissed her back. I couldn't do what I actually wanted but I could give her what she was craving. And so I kissed her with everything I had._

"Santana, this one is ours."

Kurt's voice snaps me out of last night's memory and I feel his hand on the small of my back when a cab halts next to us. I'm not ready to go back to Kurt's. The past few hours went by so quickly and I feel weird saying goodbye.

While Kurt helps the driver to get our suitcases into the trunk, another cab arrives to get Quinn and Brittany home. Quinn gives me a warm hug and kisses me on the cheek with a happy smile on her face.

"See you on Tuesday, San." She says and then falls around Kurt's neck to wish him a nice day off tomorrow. Shelby wants the six of us to stay home tomorrow because she's scared we're jetlagged and won't be able to focus at work.

Kurt blows a kiss to Brittany and then he jumps into the backseat of our cab while Quinn disappears in the other.

"Hurry up, Santana!" I hear Kurt's high voice before he slams the door shut.

"I'll be right there." I mumble and look at Brittany who makes a step towards me.

"Enjoy your day tomorrow." She says softly and leans in to hug me. I wrap my arms around her waist and smile into the crook of her neck.

"You, too." She feels so good against me and I really wish Quinn and I could switch cabs. I want to go home with Brittany… but it would probably be weird. We didn't speak on the flight back to L.A. because I sat with Quinn. When I woke up this morning Brittany was already in the shower and then we went for breakfast all together and we haven't been alone since.

When she pulls back and kisses me on the cheek, I turn my head at the same time and her lips land on the corner of my mouth. She chuckles and boops my nose before stepping back. I watch how she reaches out to open the door to the backseat of her cab.

"Hey!"

She turns around at my call and I search for words.

"Am I gonna see you soon?" I ask and bite on my lip. I'll see her at work on Tuesday but maybe I can't wait that long. She smiles and nods softly.

"Yeah… you are." She says with a wink and then opens the door to get in. I watch how the cab drives off as soon as Brittany's safe inside and I scratch my forehead before I step to the one that's waiting for me.

"Santana" Kurt speaks up once we've been driving for a couple minutes. "Whatever is going on between you and Brittany, you can talk to me if you want to."

I turn to look at Kurt who's gazing out of the window and I nod. I knew he was sensing something ever since Mike unwittingly pointed it out at the restaurant.

"Thanks Kurt" I mumble and steer my view back outside of the window. I'll probably need someone to talk to. Because last night things got real and I'll try anything to not mess up.

With a sigh I reach into my pocket because my phone vibrates. It's probably my brother Ricky asking if I landed safely. Whenever I go away somewhere he writes me messages all the time. If he knew what happened to me and Brittany last night...

But it's not my brother... it's Brittany.

 _ **\- I might feel like going for a walk on the beach tomorrow... with you.**_

Relief fills my chest when I read Brittany's message and it makes me feel a lot lighter than when we were saying goodbye before. I can't help the smile that plays on my lips when I type an answer and let her know that I'll probably feel like a walk, too tomorrow.

There are things we need to talk about. And I really want to spend some more time with her because sharing a hotel room was so great.

Soon I get a reply, letting me know that she's looking forward. I'm still not used to those butterflies in my stomach whenever I see her name on the screen... but that's ok.

* * *

 **Chapter 22 *Hearts***

 _ **Brittany… the next morning…**_

She's nervous. No scared. Or both. Basically she's freaking out while waiting outside of the café where she's going to meet Linda in ten minutes. Maybe she's already inside?

Brittany takes a deep breath and slowly gets out of her car. Is this a bad idea? They haven't seen each other in so long and they probably won't know what to talk about. Why did she agree to this? Oh well… it had only been a matter of time that Linda would contact her again. After all Brittany had written down her new email address in her letter so Linda could write her electronically.

She saw the email yesterday while they were still waiting for their boarding call at the airport in New York. With trembling fingers had she opened the message on her Blackberry and read Linda's invitation for coffee and talking. Even though she felt the urge to talk to somebody about this, she kept it to herself. The only one of the travelling group who knew Linda was Rachel but the brunette had been all sleepy and moody so Brittany decided to wait till they got home and then she asked Puck for advice.

He told her to go for it and catch up on old times but she was still nervous. Puck had been quite good friends with Diane and therefore supported everything that had to do with the Hayes family. And that's why Brittany typed a quick reply to let Linda know she would call her the next day to set a date where they'd meet for coffee.

And here she is – hoping her legs will carry her inside that Café instead of making her run away as fast and as far as she can. No… she's been hiding from Diane's family long enough. Time to make a change. Time to find closure.

This is what she's hoping for; closure. Because living with a broken heart for two years is a long time. She can only give her heart to someone new if it's mended. Santana probably doesn't know how shattered her heart actually is. And she probably doesn't know that she's the one who's mending Brittany.

She smiles at the thought of the brunette. They will get together for another walk on the beach later this afternoon. But she needs to take care of this first and that's when she climbs the two steps to get inside the Café.

* * *

She still looks the same but more adult and prettier if possible. Linda is sitting across the table and stares at the spoon in her hand. She's been stirring her coffee for the past two minutes without saying a word and Brittany has been watching her silently.

When she stepped inside the Café it only took her five seconds to find Linda. The striking blonde hair and those coffee brown eyes caught her attention right away and it took Brittany completely aback. She thought she was walking towards Diane when she approached Linda's table. They had always looked alike but this was creepy. Maybe she had added more resemblance in her head because it had been so long since she last saw Linda. Her throat was dry when she sat down in front of her.

"Hi Brittany" Linda had greeted her and gave her a shy smile.

"Linda" She replied softly and after exchanging some small talk like 'how are you doing' and 'did you get here by car' they fell into silence and for the past couple minutes Brittany has been watching Linda play with her spoon wordlessly.

"You look really good." Brittany speaks up after a while because she can't take the silence anymore. "Dance class must be treating you well, huh? I can't believe you're studying dance. I mean I always hoped you'd go through with it but wow… you're a professional dancer!"

Linda's eyes lighten up at Brittany's words and she shifts in her chair.

"Well, I'm not really a professional, yet but I hope to be one day. I'd love to dance in musicals, video clips or even be part of a tour."

"I don't have a doubt you'll make it, Linda. It's been your greatest passion, right?" Linda nods and smiles softly.

"Yeah… and yours, too. I still don't understand why you became a journalist instead of a professional dancer, Britt. Everybody would have wanted you."

Brittany bites on her bottom lip and can't deny it. Dancing _had_ been her biggest dream but somehow she thought she should study something else. She doesn't really know why.

"Maybe… but it turns out that writing is my other great passion and I've got a pretty good job right now." Linda listens intently when Brittany tells her about the Sylvester magazine and her eyes widen when she learns that Brittany spent the past weekend around the Paul Estevez' fashion empire.

"So yeah, being a journalist is great fun but I still miss our dance sessions in your parents' basement." Brittany chuckles at the memory of not too many years ago where she would teach a cheerleader Linda new dance moves and learn some of the blonde's in return.

"Me, too" Linda sighs with a smile and then bursts into laughter. "Diane always got jealous when you spent half of the evening with me down in the basement instead upstairs with her."

"True… whenever I got back to her room and tried to kiss her, she pushed me away because I was all sweaty and jumpy. I had to give her a private lap dance so she'd talk to me again."

"Gross, Britt spare the details!" Linda pulls a face but laughs at Brittany's memories. They chuckle when they talk about the past and how they always used to joke that they would have actually made a great match if Linda had been gay and bit older. They never told Diane about this of course. But Brittany loves that she always shared this special bond to the younger sister that nobody knew about. She misses it…

The smile on Linda's lips slowly disappears and Brittany knows that the light part of the conversation is over.

"I'm doing well these days, you know? But I'm still not over Diane's death." The younger blonde says softly and starts stirring her coffee. "It's been almost two years but you don't lose a sister and keep living the same life. Everything's different… I hardly talk to my dad because he's been drinking again and my mom pretends to be fine when I know she's not. The only support I have is my boyfriend Spencer. I can talk to him about Di whenever I want and he listens to me."

Brittany swallows at what she's hearing because she feels instant guilt. She could have been there for Linda and listened to her. Instead she ran away.

"I wish I had been stronger." She admits and glances at Linda. "I should have stayed and taken care of you. But I was so hurt… I couldn't be around you guys without feeling completely heartbroken. At first I thought being close to you would give me strength but it was the opposite. I couldn't look into your mother's eyes because she was so disappointed in me for letting Diane push me away. I couldn't look into your eyes because… because-"

"Because I look so much like her." Linda finishes her sentence and nods slowly. "Brittany, I'm not blaming you for trying to ease the pain by walking away. I'm not mad. I'm just… I wish you hadn't shut me out, you know? I wasn't asking for you to come back and hold my hand. But sometimes I really longed to see you just so we could hang out and dance and feel good, you know? We always had so much fun and suddenly that was gone. I lost a sister _and_ a great friend."

Brittany tries to swallow down the lump in her throat but it hurts too much. All this time she thought she was doing herself and Linda a favor by walking away but she reached the opposite. All Linda wanted was to dance and have fun.

"Linda I'm so sorry." She whispers and wipes away a teardrop that is about to roll down her cheek. "I'm really sorry." She feels a warm hand cupping her own and looks up into brown eyes.

"I know"

"You must hate me for leaving you behind."

"Hey… what did I just say? I'm not mad at you. I'm glad you were ready to meet me today."

Brittany nods and she wishes she could forgive herself this easily. If Linda can do it, then maybe she should just try it, too?

"You're a pretty wonderful person, do you know that?" She asks and causes Linda to chuckle.

"Oh well you're not so bad yourself. But let's stop with the nostalgic topics and wipe away the tears. I want to hear good things. So tell me… is there someone new in your life?"

Brittany's eyes widen at Linda's funny grin and how she's obviously done talking about the past. She clears her throat and tries to buy time by taking a long sip of her tea.

"There _is_ someone! You're blushing! Linda exclaims and points at Brittany.

"What? Are you kidding, I'm _not_ blushing. There's… well…"

Linda kicks her shin under the table and the excitement in her face warms Brittany's heart.

"Spit it out!"

"Ok, ok! Jeez… alright there's this woman that I work with and – wait, isn't this kind of weird? Talking about my love life?"

"Why?"

"Because of…"

"Because you dated my sister? Britt, if you have found someone who makes you happy then I want to hear about it."

"Okay. The whole thing is kind of a long story but I'll give you the short version. Her name is Santana and she's an intern at the Sylvester magazine and sometimes we work together. Actually she hit me with her car the day I had my job interview but it turns out I couldn't stay mad at her for long. I kissed her, then she left her husband, then she lived at my place for a couple days and you know… things got _interesting_ but then she decided to move in with a friend and then we flew to New York where she and I got mugged but I was her hero and saved her and _then_ I said 'I love you' but she didn't say it back. She was really cute though because it took her by surprise. We'll see each other later today and I guess we have to talk about a few things. But all in all she's just… amazing."

She must have been babbling at a fast pace because Linda is narrowing her eyes, trying to follow the summary of Brittany's love life. The blonde exhales an incredible laugh and shakes her head.

"She hit you with her car? You guys got mugged? And you love her? Like… _love_ her?"

Brittany chews on her lip and shrugs with a foolish smirk.

"She blows me away. I wasn't looking for it. I wasn't hoping to fall in love when I applied for that job. But it's happening and I want it. I really want it."

Linda gives her a dreamy look and squeezes Brittany's hand that she's been holding for the past minutes.

"Wow this is great, Britt. I hope things work out and I'm really happy for you. You deserve it."

They smile at each other and for the next hour they talk about things they've missed in each other's lives during the past two years.

* * *

When they say goodbye outside the Café Linda steps close to Brittany and wraps her arms around her neck. The feeling of holding her friend in her arms overwhelms Brittany. She's still her friend, she didn't lose her. Things are ok.

"Don't forget me, Britt." Linda whispers into her ear and holds on tight.

"Never. I will always hold a special place for you and Diane in my heart, I promise. And if it's ok I would love to check out one of your dance classes and see where you go to college."

"Okay, that'd be great. I'd love to show you around campus. Bring Santana, I totally want to meet her." They pull apart and Linda smiles happily before she leans in and pecks Brittany on the lips.

"Take good care, B. I'll call you soon."

Brittany nods and a light feeling settles in her chest when she watches Linda stepping towards her car and waving before she drives off.

She had been hoping for this to turn out ok but she wasn't _counting_ on it. Linda could have been cold and repellent at Brittany. But everything is ok now and they're going to meet again. She's more than fine.

* * *

 _ **At the same time… Santana's POV…**_

Kurt has been throwing short glances ever since we stepped into the park and sat down under a tree with our sandwiches in our hands. I can tell he's been dying to know what's going on. Ever since the taxi ride yesterday he's been hoping for me to start talking about the thing with Brittany but I needed a night to think about it on my own.

In a few hours I'm going to meet Brittany at the beach and I still don't know exactly what it is that I want to tell her. We need to talk about us, that's for sure because our last night in New York changed everything. She said those sweet words and I didn't say them back. We don't know what we are. Friends with benefits? Colleagues who sleep with each other? Secret lovers? More than all that?

"I know I said you can come to me whenever you feel like talking but it doesn't look like you're ever going to start. I don't want to force you, Santana but I almost can't take it anymore! Why did you and Brittany hug so intimately at the airport? Why did Mike ask if there is something going on? Why the hell did you keep throwing glances at Brittany and it looked as if you were madly in love? What the hell? Are you two more than friends? What's going on? Santana, release me please!"

I stare at Kurt and I'm scared he's going to hyperventilate if I don't do something real quick.

"Uh… well-"

"Come on!"

"Okay! Let me speak, alright?"

"Oh right. Go ahead"

"Thing is" I begin and let my hand run through my hair while my eyes wander around the park. "It's hard to put into words. Everything I'm feeling is so overwhelming. I've never felt like this before." I mumble and glance at Kurt who's cutting into me with his eyes.

"Feelings… for Brittany" He assumes and I confirm.

"Yes"

"But how? I mean, don't get me wrong but you and Brittany didn't exactly get along when she came to the Sylvester."

I sigh and turn to face Kurt. I make myself comfortable because I already know Kurt's answer to my following question.

"Do you want the short or the long version of what's happened between me and Brittany since day one till now?"

Kurt closes his eyes for a moment to prepare himself and then takes my hands into his.

"If there is a long version then this sounds like one hell of a story. I want the long, detailed version and don't you dare leave anything out. _You_ having a thing with another woman is already the best story ever! Ready, set, go!"

I chuckle at Kurt's honest excitement and clear my throat. I'm nervous to tell him but man it feels good to tell someone who can somehow relate. I never heard the whole story of Kurt's coming out but I know it was only two years ago and before that he actually lived in a relationship with a girl. Quinn is great to talk to but Kurt gets me on a different level.

"Do you remember the day of the false fire alarm? They evacuated the building but it was just exercise."

"Yes, yes I remember very well." Kurt says clearly.

"Well… that day I met Brittany in the pouring rain. I actually hit her with my car and she had to go to the hospital." Kurt's eyes widen in shock but I don't let it distract me. "She was mad at me at first but then everything changed… for the better."

* * *

Turns out, Kurt is a great listener and I'm pretty sure after today I will call him one of my closest friends. For the past thirty minutes I have been talking away everything that has happened and how confused I am. Even though I know exactly what has happened I am so confused…

"I keep wondering if I have been attracted to women all my life and I just never realized it. Now that I think back I'm pretty sure that men _and_ women have checked me out whenever I went dancing at a club with friends. I thought the girls were checking out my dress or something but maybe some of them thought I was hot and I was completely unaware. I always liked looking at women but it didn't cross my mind to flirt with them because… because I always thought the fling I had with that girl at high school was just a phase. I started dating Gabe and I was… straight. But maybe I wasn't? Does that make sense? Is something like that even possible?"

Kurt takes a long sip of his soda and nods slowly.

"That makes perfect sense actually. You have never felt this way before – how were you supposed to know that it could happen to you? Santana… Brittany is opening up a whole new world to you and it's a lot to understand and to deal with it. Nobody can blame you if you're overwhelmed. Try to take things slow, there's no need to rush things. You're going through a major change in life. It's ok to be confused and insecure. It'll take a while until you have it all figured out."

"Great… I want it figured out now! I don't want to make Brittany wait until I know who I am and what I want."

Kurt smiles sympathetically and leans back until he's lying on the grass. Soon I mirror his position and we stare up into the sky. I wish I could see answers up there.

"You're gonna be ok." Kurt says and grabs my hand between our bodies. I squeeze his fingers and let my head rest against his shoulder.

I really hope he's right.

* * *

The sun is already setting but it's still warm enough to hang my sweater over my shoulders and hold my ballerinas in my hands when I approach Brittany who's already sitting on the sand a few feet away from the water.

Last time we met on the beach we ended up kissing until there we were the only ones by the water and the stars twinkled from above. How will the night end this time?

"Hey there" I greet her when I step next to her. Brittany looks up and raises a hand to shield her eyes from the setting sun.

"Wow" She mumbles and blinks at me.

"What?" I grin and sit down. She drops her hand and her eyes wander over my face while a smile forms on her lips.

"You're gorgeous." She says softly and I bite on my lip when I reach for her hand. "How was your day?"

I tell her how I spent the afternoon with Kurt in a park and relaxed a little after that eventful weekend. While she listens to me she plays with my fingers and smiles when I mention Kurt and that we had a good time.

"What about you? Did you enjoy the sun instead of sitting in the office?"

"Mhm… I had breakfast with Puck and Rachel but I felt a bit like the third wheel actually. They won't admit it openly but it's so obvious that they have giant crushes on each other and I'm never sure what is going on. And uh…" Brittany trails off and steers her eyes to the endless ocean. "I met Linda."

I narrow my eyes when it takes a while until I know who she's talking about.

"You mean Diane's sister?" Brittany nods and throws a quick glance at me.

"She contacted me again and asked if I was up for coffee to finally catch up. I was really nervous about meeting her but I wanted to see her."

"How did it go?"

"Very well. I thought we wouldn't know what to talk about but once the ice broke everything was like it used to be. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to be able to talk to someone of Diane's family again. Thought I had lost them forever."

I put a strand of hair behind Brittany's ear and caress her cheek with the back of my hand.

"I really don't deserve any of their forgiving."

"Brittany… telling them to not call you was your way of grieving. I'm sure they know you didn't do this to hurt them."

Brittany scratches her forehead and gives me a look that I can't quite read.

"Leaving wasn't everything I did wrong. I messed up pretty badly when Diane was already very sick."

I frown and wonder what Brittany means. I decide to just let her speak while I play with the sand around us.

"When we found out that she was sick everything turned upside down. Instead of sticking together we started fighting a lot. It was the desperation overpowering us, not knowing what was going to happen. I tried to be strong for her but we were both so young and had no idea how to handle it. One day we got tired of fighting and decided to just push it away. It was a silent agreement to not talk about the future and what we both knew was going to happen sooner or later. I don't know how we made that work but it did. We pretended that things were ok and had two more good months… I can't tell you how she did it. She knew she was sick but she pulled herself together."

I picture a younger Brittany with the woman I saw in the picture in her living room and wonder what kind of couple they were.

"But how did you mess it up then?" I ask and watch how Brittany sighs softly.

"On the inside I was freaking out. I had no idea how I would deal with losing her. At the point when she had to be hospitalized I was a mess. Diane changed so much within a short time. She became a different person at the hospital and I couldn't blame her. She didn't want me to see her fade away, you know? Two weeks before she died she broke up with me. I thought she was kidding but she was dead serious."

Brittany chuckles bitterly.

"Bad choice of words… she was serious and didn't want me to see her like this because she thought I couldn't take it. So I stayed away from her because I didn't want to stress her. But I was kind of mad, you know? I wanted to be there and that's when I messed up. Puck took me out one night because he couldn't see me suffer like this. He wanted to get my mind off everything and took me to this bar I had never been before. And then there were these two girls. Puck started talking to them and soon we were buying them drinks and they were being really sweet. A couple hours into the night Puck was making out with one. Before I knew it the other one was straddling my hips and my brain shut off… we ended up making out in the bathroom stalls. The next morning I showed up at the hospital and didn't leave Diane's bed until she died four days later. She didn't know I was there."

Brittany's eyes roam over the waves in the water and I'm staring at her silhouette. I didn't know all this. She has never opened up this much and told me such things before.

"I messed up because what kind of girlfriend was I? Then again I wasn't officially her girlfriend anymore but still. To me it wasn't a real break-up. What a betrayal… at that time I seriously hated myself."

I grab Brittany's arm and she slowly turns her head towards me. We look into each other's eyes and I wish I could tell her how much I appreciate her honesty but I'm scared I'll say something stupid.

"Now you know… I'm sorry."

I don't know what she's apologizing for but I don't want her to apologize. I cup her cheek and let my thumb run over her bottom lip while she watches me intently. How do you comment on a story like that? There's nothing I can say. She must know I want to kiss her when I keep switching between her eyes and her lips because her eyebrows knit together.

"Don't you judge me?" She asks weakly. I shake my head.

"No" I simply don't.

But I do lean in to capture her lips with mine and a soft sigh sounds from Brittany's mouth. While we're kissing I imagine the pain Brittany must have felt. Losing your love in such a tragic way. That's horrible. I'm whining at Kurt because I'm confused about my sexual orientation while Brittany has gone through so much worse. But here she is; no tears in her eyes but a brave smile on her lips. Why would I judge her? I didn't know that version of her when she was younger. I know the Brittany who saved me in New York. I know the Brittany who showed me what it means to make love and feel true butterflies in my stomach for the first time in my life at the age of twenty-three. She's my hero…

I cup her face with both my hands and try to tell her that with my kiss. Her arms wrap around my waist and when she pulls me in, I almost lose balance in our sitting position. Hot breath hits my cheek when our mouths part after long seconds.

"And then there you are…" She whispers and it warms my whole body. I open my eyes and see how she does the same. I hum against her lips and let my fingers run down to her shoulders and eventually drag her in for a hug. Her hands stroke over my back and for a long while we just sit there and hold each other.

"Do you want to walk a few steps?" She asks once we pull apart and when I nod she gets up on her feet and offers me her hand. "Come on, enough about the past for today."

I accept and squeeze her hand in mine.

"Alright. Race me to that lifeguard tower?" I ask and point to one of the towers in a short distance. Brittany laughs and gives me a pointed look.

"You'd lose, Santana… don't wanna make you cry- hey! That's not fair!" She yells but I'm already running as fast as I can. This isn't fast at all because I'm laughing so hard when I sense her coming closer.

"Is that all you got?" I hear laughter in her voice, too and try to make my legs move faster but it's hopeless. Just a few feet part me from my victory when I feel arms wrapping around my waist from behind and I have to stop because of my uncontrollable giggles.

"Shoot!" I exclaim with fake anger when we come to a halt and Brittany presses into my back. "So close"

"If you can't play fair then I'm not going to play fair either." She mumbles into my shoulder and kisses the skin there. A bit out of breath I cover her hands on my belly with my own and chuckle at our silly behavior.

"That was fun." I hear her voice against my ear and shudder when she kisses my neck.

"Yeah? You want another try to the next tower?"

Brittany laughs softly and holds me tighter.

"No, no we can just say you won if you want that victory so much." She giggles when I roll my eyes and pecks my cheek several times. "Because you're _so_ fast…it's crazy how fast you are."

"Okay you know what? I only couldn't run fast because I had to laugh so hard at the puzzled look on your face. But go ahead, make fun of me."

Brittany cracks up at my pout and spins me around in her arms so we're facing each other.

"Aww sorry beautiful. Kiss to make up?"

"Tsk! You wish." I mutter but can't help staring at her mouth and grinning when she leans in with puckered lips and eye lids pressed tight together.

"Dork" I breathe before I press my lips softly on hers and she smiles into the kiss.

I clear my throat when I pull away from her because suddenly I remember that there are other things we need to talk about and I almost forgot.

"Hey uhm can we sit on the ramp for a while?" I ask carefully and point to the tower. Brittany understands my hint and lets go of my waist.

"Sure"

She lets me walk up first and when I sit down on the wood, she mirrors my actions.

For a minute we just look at the sea in front of us but we can't see far as it's getting pretty dark. Where do I begin?

"Britt I-" Don't know why I'm suddenly calling her by that nickname but she doesn't seem to mind. "I can't stop thinking about our last night in New York. I mean it was scary with the mugging but it turned out to be so amazing when we got back to the hotel and then… I'm so sorry, I feel like an idiot for the way I acted when you said that you…"

"No, Santana it's me who should apologize. I don't know what I was thinking when I said it. Actually I do know what I was thinking because I meant it but I should have known that we might not be in the same place and that I'd put you in an uncomfortable position." She says it softly and I bite my lip at the hint of regret in her voice. I don't want her to regret it.

"No, no you didn't put me into an uncomfortable position. I was just caught off guard but I don't think we were in different places. It must have been so weird for you when I stuttered some incomprehensible words after you said that you love me."

I exhale a shaky breath when I finally name the words and I almost don't dare to look up into Brittany's eyes. Kissing is so much easier than talking. But we both knew that one day we'd have to talk to make things clearer.

"Actually it was kinda cute." Brittany says and smirks.

"You think? Oh well I don't know… but Brittany that night got me do a lot of thinking. I know that I without a doubt feel the same way." Brittany's eyes light up and I smile when she takes my hand into hers. "Of course I feel the same way."

"But you're scared of something." She gathers and I shrug lightly.

"Yes. Everything's happening so fast and my life is making a 180 degree turn and… there's the divorce and my conscience towards Gabe that keep haunting me in the back of my head. I wish so much I was freer, so I could just go with it." I take a deep breath and squeeze Brittany's hand.

"I don't want to hurt you. What if I can't give you what you deserve and what you want?" Brittany furrows and slowly shakes her head.

"Santana, I'd never push you to take things to the next level as long as it doesn't feel right. I want you to feel good about this."

"But we've been acting like a couple whenever we see each other. You'd eventually want a relationship, right?"

Brittany thinks about my words and then nods.

"Yeah… I guess I would. But only if you want it, too."

"That's what I'm afraid of. When I picture us as a couple then I want it. I'm so happy when we're spending time together. But I'm scared we'll do it and everything starts out great but then suddenly I realize that I'm not ready for a relationship because I just got out of a _marriage_. You see, if we become a couple then I want to do it right but at the moment I don't think I _can_ do it right. Things would hold me back. My parents would think I have lost my mind. Not that I care too much about what they think but this is something I think about. I have never been with a woman, Brittany. Not really… what if I'm not good at it?"

Something between a smile and a compassionate look forms on Brittany's face and she pulls my hand up to her lips.

"I would show you. I'm still learning, too you know? Diane was my first real girlfriend. I don't know what it's like to be in a relationship with you, either. We'd have to find out together. I'd take good care of you, Santana."

I'm melting at her words and it would be so easy to just say yes and lean in to kiss her. It would be so easy to give it a try but this is not something you just try out once and carelessly throw away if it doesn't work. I can't push away my doubts.

"I believe you. I know you'd take care of me. But I have never been on my own. I was really depending on Gabe and I'm now learning to do everything on my own. Sooner or later I'll move out of Kurt's place because his roommate will be back and then I will live in my own apartment. I have no idea what that's like but I have to find out. Hell, I don't even know how much a two bedroom apartment costs per month because I never had to worry about it. I spent Gabe's money without thinking twice if we needed things or not. But now it's time for me to learn all that. I also _want_ to learn it."

Brittany has been listening carefully and holding my hand against her chest.

"I understand that. I didn't really think of it before. Because I've been living on my own ever since college and after Diane I had plenty of time to learn all those things. I was forced to take care of myself and I can see what you mean."

We fall silent for a while and I listen to the comforting sound of the waves and feel Brittany's warm hand in mine. This was only the first thing I had to tell her. There's more…

"I don't know if I'm going crazy but I really have been thinking a lot." I state and shrug softly. "I thought about what it would be like if we were together. Like officially. Please don't freak out but I'm just trying to be completely realistic. What if… what if _some_ day we feel the longing to start a family? We can't just make babies on our own. We can't just get married."

As soon as the words are out there I regret them. That was too much. I freaked her out. Her eyes widen drastically and her lips part but nothing comes out. Shit! I always manage to say the wrong things.

"Santana, I wasn't thinking about getting married right away." She says and while I feel utterly silly for even picking up that topic, a loving smile forms on her lips. Maybe she's not freaking out that much?

"No, I know." I say quickly and chuckle. I can feel the heat in my face and I'm pretty sure I'm turning red. "Sorry, you must think I'm a crazy control freak who needs everything planned out."

"I don't. I'm a person who's been living day by day and not worrying what might come tomorrow. I wasn't ready to plan my future because I was still somehow stuck in my past with Diane and I also didn't have a reason to consider having a family one day because I was alone and not looking for a relationship. You're being realistic. I probably should do that, too."

I take a deep breath and watch how Brittany fumbles on the hem of her shirt with her free hand.

After a while I speak up. "It's just because… I mean let's face it. We're not seventeen anymore. We're still young and it's not like we have to make a decision about our future in the next two days but women in their twenties automatically think about it sooner or later. Maybe I'm thinking about it earlier because I have already been married, I don't know."

"Yeah, that's possible… and it's ok."

I sigh and pull Brittany's hand to my lips, kissing it apologetically.

"I'm sorry for babbling about all my sorrows. This thing between us has been so carefree and here I come like a bomb and ruin it all."

Brittany chuckles and shakes her head.

"That's not true. I'm glad we're talking about it. It's important."

"I guess. It's just so much to think right now. Ugh! If we decided to get together then I will fall for you so hard. I know it. I don't want to risk ending up hurting each other just because I wasn't ready."

Brittany turns to look at me closely and lets my hand go. She reaches for my face and cups my cheeks, our eyes locking. Her sincere glance makes a lump form in my throat and somehow my heart beat faster. How can she be so patient with me? I think I'm gonna cry.

"Hey" She hums and her thumbs run over my cheeks. When she kisses my forehead I can't help the tears pooling in my eyes. "Hey look at me." She says when I avoid her eyes. I look up but just for a second and then I burst into tears.

I feel soothing kisses on my temples but the teardrops roll down nevertheless. She already saw me crying in New York, she must think I'm such a pathetic weeper. But it's kind of her fault. She makes me feel all those things. When a ridiculous sob leaves my lungs I grab Brittany's shirt and press my forehead against her cheek.

"God Brittany you can't just steal my heart like this." I gasp and feel her shaky breath on my hair. "I'm not ready. But it's not up to me, you have it… you've had me the first day we met. I just didn't know it."

Brittany's lips press against my head and thick tears drip down my cheeks and land on Brittany's shirt.

"Me, too" She whispers with a soft sigh. I shake in her arms and it's really pathetic. "Oh sweetheart… you know what-"

"I also don't want to lose you!" I blurt and pull back. I wipe away some of my tears and look at her intensely. "I'm scared that if I tell you we can't be together right now that you will stop wanting me. I'm scared you'll be hurt and you'll avoid me. That's exactly what I don't want to happen. And before I know it, you find someone else and I have missed my chance."

Brittany shakes her head in denial.

"Hey listen. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not saying it's all or nothing-"

"I'm _so_ complicated! I say I can't be in a relationship but at the same time I don't want you to find someone else because _**I**_ want you! I'm so stupid."

"Stop it, you're not-"

"But I'm a mess!"

"Santana, can I please say something without you interrupting me?"

I blink at her a couple times and wipe away some more tears.

"Oh…yes. Sorry."

She smiles and swallows before she parts her lips to speak.

"We will find a way. It's obviously not the time for us to be in a real relationship with each other. We both need to be ready for this. Fully ready… never would I push you. I'd rather wait."

I stare at her lips and can't believe what she's saying. This is impossible – she's too good.

"You would wait for me?"

"Yes" She says without hesitating. "If you let me."

My eyes wander back and forth between her eyes and her mouth and her hands that have found mine once more. She looks at me with such honesty and it does something to my insides, to my heart.

This woman will be my end. No, my _beginning_. Whenever that is… I swear she'll have me. All of me.


	7. Part VII

**Chapter 23 *Cigarettes***

 _ **Two days later… Brittany…**_

 _ **From: corcoran.s/s-magazine**_

 _ **To: berry.r/s-magazine; chang.m/s-magazine; fabray.q/s-magazine; hummel.k/s-magazine; lopez.s/s-magazine; pierce.b/s-magazine**_

 _ **Subject: sensational SIX**_

 _ **Guys and girls – meeting at Sue's office in 20'. She's thrilled (which hardly ever happens) about the work you did in New York and wants to reward you. Make sure you're all there.**_

 _ **Shelby**_

Brittany can't help but grin widely at Shelby's message. She was wondering when they would hear something from the boss. Sue is not one to be pleased easily but she did have a very good feeling when the six of them sat together on the last day in New York and sent all their articles, pictures, interviews and other behind the scenes stuff to Shelby.

She wonders what kind of reward Sue has in mind. Double salary? She wouldn't say no to that. Especially because her time at the Sylvester will be over soon. This freelancing is not really her thing anymore. Always new places to get used to and even though she knows she's good at what she does, she longs for something that gives her more security.

Soon her job will be done and she'll have to look for something new. Or maybe she'll go travelling. This is something she has always wanted to do. Go to New Zealand or visit Norway. Or Brazil… after college she and Diane wanted to go see places like these but then things changed. Now two years later this longing is slowly coming back. The desire to go see places she's only heard of and just enjoy every day. But now that Santana is in her life she can't just hop on the next plane and fly off to another place far away. She wouldn't want to. Unless…

No, Santana has a good job and a life here. She wouldn't go with her, would she? That's a crazy thought. But it gives her tingles everywhere. She startles when there is a knock on the door.

"Come in!" She leans back in her chair and watches how the door is opened and two brunettes peek inside.

"Britt? You ready for the meeting in Sue's office?" Rachel asks and points to Santana who's standing next to her. "We thought we'd come pick you up."

Brittany smiles at them and her eyes lock with the taller brunette. She doesn't actually have any idea how to behave around Santana. On Monday they met at the beach and had this heartfelt discussion. She doesn't think she has ever felt as much in her heart as she did that evening. They cried, they laughed, they kissed… and they talked a lot. They said all those things they had avoided before, such as whether they have a chance at being in a relationship. Girlfriends…

The thought of Santana being her girlfriend gives her so many butterflies in her stomach. She snaps back to reality when she realizes that Rachel is giving her an annoyed look while Santana gazes back at her all dreamily.

"Britt? Are you high? I said we came here to _pick. you. up_. Are you ready? Sober?"

"Oh… yeah, yeah sorry. Was lost in thought about uhm… this phone call that I got. Give me a sec." She mumbles, turns to her computer and saves her latest edits before closing them.

When she gets up and crosses the room, her eyes meet Santana's once again and she's tempted to just step real close to her and pull her in for a hug to say hi. Since Rachel knows about them it wouldn't be weird but it _would_ be weird since Brittany doesn't know what she and Santana are. They're not dating. Not secretly and not officially.

Because Santana isn't ready and of course she accepts that. She told Santana that she will wait for her and she meant it with every fiber of her being. She can't wait to wait for her.

Still it feels weird to stand in front of her not knowing what she's allowed to do. Can she throw loving glances at her? Hold her when she longs to be close to her?

"I wonder what Shelby means when she says that Sue wants to reward us. Like give us a new car or something?" Rachel mumbles when the three of them step out of Brittany's office.

"A car? I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself there, Berry." Santana states and causes Brittany to chuckle.

"Why? We did a wonderful job in New York and Sue sure would be able to afford it."

"Yeah. But giving us cars would be just… wrong." Brittany counters and stops when they arrive in front of Sue's office where Mike, Kurt and Quinn are already waiting.

"Hey girls" Mike greets them and tilts his head towards the office door. "You ready for some compliments?" He knocks on the door when the rest of the group nods with excitement.

One after the other steps inside after they hear Sue's voice yelling "It's open you idiots!" and Brittany comes to terms with the fact that Sue is just in a league of her own. She holds the door open when Santana is the last one to get inside and their shoulders bump into each other.

"Sorry. You alright?" The brunette mumbles and glances at her shortly. Brittany would chuckle at that question because she really didn't hurt her shoulder but when she catches Santana's dark eyes, she knows that the Latina's question has a much deeper meaning.

She wants to assure Santana that things between them are alright but nothing comes out of her lips. On the one hand because they are now standing in front of Sue Sylvester's desk and on the other because she doesn't know for sure if things are alright. She really hopes they are but Santana is the one who needs to say how things will continue from now on. If Santana tells her they can't hang out anymore, she won't ask her to. If she tells her not to call her, she won't call her. If she tells her no more kisses, she won't… no, she can't promise that. Because Santana's kisses are too amazing.

"Ladies and Chang" Sue greets them and when Brittany throws a glance at Kurt, she can see he's slightly offended. "When Shelby told me that she won't be able to go to New York and send an intern instead, I thought she was out of her mind."

Shelby who's standing next to Sue's desk rolls her eyes but grins when Sue raises her hands in defense.

"But when she told me she sent a whole freakin' army of her very best interns I had hope that things might turn out well."

At the mention of _'her very best interns'_ Brittany nudges Santana's arm, who's still positioned close to her. The brunette smiles at her from the side and bites on her lip bashfully.

"Anyway I read your articles and went through all the material you sent to me. It's very good. You did an outstanding job and if you check your bank account this evening, you will understand what I mean by _outstanding_."

Brittany does a mental fist pump and thinks 'score!' when Sue shrugs with a smirk on her lips.

"That will be all. I don't want you to think you're something special just because you did one good job, so go back to work – right now."

The six of them hurry to get out of Sue's office and when they're standing in the hallway, they high five each other and Brittany feels like she's having a déjà-vu. Not too long ago the six of them were celebrating the fact that they got ordered to go to New York and now it's them celebrating the result of it. It'll be hard to say goodbye to these people once she leaves the Sylvester magazine. Four new friends is a lot for her. Four friends and one of them being so much more. How does she deserve this again?

"Guys this needs to be celebrated." Kurt states when they all head back towards their offices. "How about we meet at the Puck O'Clock tonight? Drinks on me because I hear my bank account just got pimped. Who's in? Brittany you're coming, right? Since Puck is your best friend."

"Oh yeah, sure. I'd love to."

Brittany watches how Quinn, Mike and Rachel also agree immediately and then her eyes land on Santana who's fumbling on the sleeve of her blouse.

"What about you, San? You sure look like you could use a drink. Are you alright?" Kurt tries and the brunette scratches her forehead.

"I'm ok. But uh… I'm not sure I feel like going out. Bit tired."

Brittany swallows when she tries to make eye contact with Santana but it gets deprived.

"Oh ok well, let us know if you change your mind. It'd be great to celebrate with you, too but if you're tired we'll just have a drink with you some other time." Kurt mumbles and his scrutinizing glance wanders back and forth between Santana and Brittany.

Brittany puts on a smile when they all say goodbye as their offices are in different directions but her eyes can't smile when she watches how Santana walks off together with Quinn and with her view steered to the floor.

"Britt? Is everything ok between you and Santana?" Rachel's soft voice sounds from next to her and she sighs when she puts an arm around the shorter woman's shoulders.

"Oh Rach… I really hope so. But I promised I'll give her time to figure out whatever she needs to figure out. And now I already feel like she's drifting away from me. It's like I can't even breathe properly when I see her being sad and unsure. I don't think I'll be able to sleep when I don't know whether she's feeling ok or not. Am I being silly?"

Rachel shakes her head and squeezes Brittany's waist when they descend the stairs.

"No you're not being silly. You're falling in love."

Brittany stands still for a second and stares at Rachel, processing what she just said. Wow… She knows she said those three little words in New York at two in the morning and lying in Santana's arms and that she meant them. But when somebody else tells you that you're falling in love, it has a whole different impact. Falling in love… those words sound foreign in her ears because she didn't think it would happen to her again. But Rachel is right.

Wow…

* * *

 _ **The same night… Santana's POV…**_

What am I doing here? It's 7.30 and I'm lying in bed? Wearing my pajamas? First of all, I hate pajamas – I don't know why I'm wearing them. I was all distracted when I got changed for bed because I keep thinking about my life and what is happening. It started the minute Kurt left the apartment and ever since I haven't been able to think about anything else. Brittany… my parents… the divorce… Gabe… Brittany… dating a woman… Brittany… divorce lawyer… Brittany… Brittany… food… lesbians… pajamas…

Why didn't I go with Kurt? My friends would have distracted me from all these thoughts that are driving me mad. What if Gabe doesn't want to sign the divorce papers because he still hopes for a reunion? What if he'll never speak a word to me ever again because he hates me now? What if my parents will be so disappointed when I tell them that I love another woman and we probably will never be able to give them grandbabies?

I know there are possibilities for gay couples. But what if things are meant to not work out? I'm doing it again! Thinking and worrying and being all pessimistic. I can't sleep like this. And that's why I kick the blankets off me and get up while stripping out of my dumb pajamas.

What I need is a drink and listening to Kurt and Quinn babbling about fashion. I need to watch how Puck tries to beat Brittany at playing pool… and how she throws stolen glances at me. I need to be close to her although it won't make things easier. It'll make them harder probably. But I just need to be close to her.

Thirty minutes later I step inside the Puck O'Clock and I'm surprised there aren't many people here. Actually there are just two people sitting at the bar and then there are my five friends plus Puck (is he my friend now, too?) standing around a pool table in the back. I smile when I step closer and see Quinn hanging over the table acting all professional with her tongue between her lips and her eyes narrowed while Rachel cheers for her and Mike cheers for Puck.

Brittany has her hand on Kurt's shoulder and laughs when Quinn scores a ball and Puck swears angrily. There is a cue in Brittany's other hand and I'm pretty sure she won the past three games without too much effort.

"Santana! You came!" Kurt exclaims and steps away from Brittany to pull me into a warm embrace. "Glad you changed your mind." He mumbles into my ear and boops my nose when he pulls away. He's so sweet… I'm so glad I talked to him about everything.

"Thanks, Kurt. I'm glad, too. Couldn't sleep at all."

"You were trying to sleep? At 8pm? Baby girl it's time for you to have your first shot of the night." Kurt laughs and hands me a shot of vodka from a tray that they must have ordered all together.

"Everyone! The sensational SIX plus Puck are now complete! I say let's have our second round of the night!" I'm pretty sure this isn't Kurt's second round when I notice the slurring in his voice and wrap my arm around his waist to make sure he won't topple over when he leans back to take his shot.

"Sensational six foreveeeeer!" Rachel yells and grabs two glasses, handing one to Brittany and grabbing her arm. Once everyone is armed with a shot Puck babbles something about loving his four new friends and that this toast is dedicated to us. I chuckle when I guide the glass to my lips and just when I swallow the burning liquid, my eyes lock with Brittany's.

There's a table standing between us and we're both holding on to other people but for a minute it feels like it's just Brittany and me in this bar. Her blue eyes pierce into mine and she tells me so much with that one glance. I don't even know what she's saying. I just know it's a lot. I snap back when Kurt presses his wet lips to my cheek and points to the little dancing area in the back.

"I think you and I should dance, Ms. Santana. Because you look smokin' haaawt." He grins and grabs my hand after putting our glasses on the pool table. "Everyone who feels like some shakin' – follow me!"

I press my lips together when Kurt kisses my hand and pulls me towards the dance floor, being surprisingly stable on his feet even though he seems utterly drunk.

Turns out he's still a great dancer no matter how many shots are circulating in his blood. Kurt's got moves and for a few minutes they make me forget all the heavy thoughts in my mind. We just dance to this great song by Brick & Lace and while Kurt guides me successfully, I keep checking if Brittany is coming, too.

Quinn and Mike are dancing right next to us and it's funny how they get lost in their own world and make out like teenagers. Rachel and Puck are moving to the beat of the song in a corner of the dance floor with only their hands touching between their bodies and it looks like they keep throwing intimate glances at each other. Puck and Berry? Purry? Brittany said something about those two having a thing going on. Where the hell is Brittany? Everyone else is here too.

After another minute of watching some heavy groping going on between Mike and Quinn, I let Kurt know that I need a break. He bows and thanks me for the dance before trailing off and moving to the music on his own. When I leave the dance area I wipe some sweat off my forehead and wonder how come I'm sweating this much after just a few minutes of dancing.

Brittany is nowhere to be seen and I wonder if she went home. Maybe she did… maybe she doesn't want to be around me anymore now that I said I'm not ready. I'd understand.

But when we shared that intense eye contact I thought she too wanted to be closer. I literally felt the burning of her hot skin against mine when it was actually Kurt holding me in his arm. I thought I saw a sparkle in her eye when she drank that shot and stared at me during. I thought she also wanted me more than anything in that moment.

I step towards the exit as the air is getting incredibly sticky in here. _Maybe_ it's the air… maybe it's the quick beating of my heart when thinking about Brittany leaving without saying goodbye. That's not what I wanted when we talked on the beach. I wanted her to understand that I do want to be with her and that it's just bad timing. But is it really bad timing? Can it be bad timing when you want someone this much?

Wow I realize this vodka sure has its effect when I almost walk into a bar stool. Fresh air is what I need. I don't bother grabbing my jacket and just make my way across the bar to step outside. The security guy eyes me weirdly but I don't give a damn.

Only when I reach a quiet corner outside and the fresh air tickles my damp hair, I begin to breathe again. I lean against the cold wall and close my eyes for a second.

"Hey"

"Shit!" I curse and almost sink to the floor at the wobbly feeling in my legs and the almost heart attack when I realize somebody is standing just a few feet away from me in the dark.

"Damn Brittany" I mutter and press my hand to my chest to calm it down. I absolutely had no idea she was out here and had chosen the same spot to hide. Maybe hide from me?

"Sorry" She says softly and makes a step towards me. That's when I see she's holding a cigarette in her hand and her eyes seem darker than usual.

"What are you doing out here?" I ask when we're standing in front of each other and she takes a drag of her ciggy. "And since when do you smoke?"

The second question comes out a little harsh.

"Needed some fresh air."

"And that's what you get by lighting a cigarette?"

"No… but I felt a craving for it. I haven't smoked in forever but tonight I needed one."

"Why?"

"Because I had to still at least one of my cravings."

I can't see all of her face as it's really freaking dark out here but the orange glow keeps wandering up to her lips and gets followed by a cloud of smoke that fogs my brain and view.

"Can I have a drag?" I'm stunned about my question because I just tried to make her feel bad about smoking but when she reasons it like this, it actually seems quite appealing. Brittany frowns at first but then smirks when she steps close to me and holds up the cigarette for me to take.

When I reach for it our hands touch and I shudder. Maybe I should have brought my jacket as it's not as warm out here as I thought it would be. When I pull the smoke down to my lungs I manage to suppress a cough and exhale it two seconds later. I take a second drag and don't break eye contact with Brittany.

She's hanging on my eyes and lips while I smoke her cigarette. Her hair looks really nice when it's wavy and natural. And her leather jacket is my favorite. I'm sure I haven't seen all of her jackets yet but this must be my favorite. It shows her great shoulders and her boobs under a top since it's unzipped.

"You know" She begins and gazes at my mouth and the smoke that floats between us.

I'm not sure what she's about to say. Actually I have no idea. The thing is; I don't want to know. I want to taste her mouth that is so much better than this crappy cigarette.

That's why I throw it away and make a step towards Brittany. I can hear her breath hitch when she realizes the closeness of our faces. The tiny distance between our lips. This is so not what people call taking time to think. Time to figure out what they want. Time apart to find yourself.

We kissed on Monday evening, deciding it would be better to take things slow from now on. It's Wednesday and the longing is killing me. This is _killing_ me.

I grab her face and before I know it our mouths collide for a desperate kiss. Desperate and heated. Lost and sexy… Her arms wrap around my waist and she almost lifts me up. Actually I think my feet are hovering above the ground when she pulls me into her so desperately. Our mouths taste like cigarettes and vodka but I love it. I adore it. Because more than that I can taste Brittany's longing that is just as strong as mine. It's aggressive and tender at the same time. Is that possible? Who cares, all I want is to kiss her. I don't think I've ever wanted anything else. Like _really wanted._

My hands glide through her hair and I am at such a lack of oxygen but I still ask for access to her mouth when I play with her upper lip. A moment later our tongues are battling between our lips and I happily let her win by pushing me back into the wall.

I gasp when she presses her weight into me and a thigh finds space between mine. She starts rocking against me immediately and I'm shocked. I wasn't expecting this but she makes my gasps turn into moans after seconds. She pulls away from my lips and starts sucking on my neck which pushes me higher within heartbeats. I grab her shoulders when I realize what's happening so fast.

She pushes into me and presses her hands hard to my sides where they wander up and up and eventually cup my breasts. I sigh into the crook of her neck and begin to see stars when her hot breath keeps hitting my jaw and her lips kiss my face and neck so sloppily.

She pants heavily and with every move that causes friction between our lower bodies, a moan escapes both our mouths. It's a fast ride and I can't believe _how_ fast it is. It's all Brittany who makes me feel like this, who makes this possible. I don't think anybody else could make me feel so excited without even trying too hard. But Brittany's doing it so well. The way she guides a hand down my body, how I can feel it against me, cupping me, between my legs, between us.

When I'm only seconds away from falling apart in her arms I cover her hand that is still cupping my chest and our fingers entwine for a desperate grip.

"Babe" I gasp and sound so shaky when she keeps rocking against me with such skilled moves. Our lips meet for one last kiss and then she pulls away and lets her forehead rest against mine. Her mouth opens as she moans and she squeezes my hand in hers when she topples over the edge and keeps pushing against me so I fall apart five seconds later.

We're clutching at each other's bodies and it's a miracle we're still standing. I'm pretty sure Brittany's the one keeping us up right as my legs feel like bubble gum.

I sense her breath on my cheek and shortly after soft kisses of her trembling lips on mine. We start kissing properly and my free hand roams all over her back and shoulder blades. Her skin feels hot through the material of her top. She must be melting under that leather jacket.

Eventually our bodies still and Brittany's head drops to my shoulder where she stays for a minute to catch her breath. I need to catch my breath, too as I'm panting like crazy. All because of what she does to me.

"I interrupted you." I try to say eventually but my throat feels so dry that I'm not sure Brittany understood. "You were about to say something."

She brings herself back up to eye level with me and she shrugs softly.

"I forgot" She mumbles and we chuckle at the raspy tone of her voice. "I think I wanted to ask if we can still go for drinks even though we decided to take things really slow. But you sort of distracted me."

"Right… sorry"

"Don't be. This was much better."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Don't you think?"

"No, I do. Never done anything like this in public."

"I love being your firsts."

My lips pull up into a smile when she nudges my nose and kisses me softly.

"Me, too" I whisper and let my head rest against the cold wall.

"Still… this was probably not a very clever idea, huh? I thought we would turn it down a little until we have things figured out."

We manage to part our bodies, she takes a step back. She looks weak, exhausted, but her eyes are wide awake.

"I know. But I don't think I can stay away from you." I admit. "I'm sorry for messing with your feelings by playing push and pull. This is not what I intended, you have to know that."

"I know"

"Good. Still I'm doing it. Making you stay away and then pulling you in real close. I'm sorry."

Brittany swallows and I get lost into her eyes when she listens to me.

"I'm sorry for making you go through ups and downs with me. But you are all of my ups… because I love you." My chest feels so full when I say those words while looking at her. I haven't said them like this before. "I love you"

Brittany hangs on every syllable I say and nods hardly noticeable. She steps close to me once more to peck my lips and then my nose.

"You have me, Santana." She whispers and her lips ghost over mine. "I know we said things are too crazy to be in a relationship right now but if we can't stay away from each other then maybe we just shouldn't."

"As is… we should go for it? Are we gonna give it a try?"

She smiles softly and kisses me once more.

"Yeah"

Butterflies fly rollercoasters in my stomach. Courage and an energy fill me up that I didn't know had been hiding somewhere inside me. Boundless.

"Can you handle the fact that I still have to go through divorce? It might be difficult at times."

"I'll help you or let you do it on your own if you want to. We don't have to rub it in your husband's face. And we don't have to tell your parents right away. But _we_ can know that you and I belong together. And whatever may come, you know… stuff in our future - we'll find a way together."

I blink at Brittany several times. The determination in her voice, in her face but also the amount of happiness that she makes me feel overwhelms me.

"Okay" I whisper while caressing her cheek with my thumb.

"Okay?" She asks. She looks at me deeply.

I suck on my bottom lip to hold back a squeal.

"Yes" I confirm and take a breath. "You and me… that's it."

Brittany exhales a soft laugh and lets her hands wander down until they land on my hips.

"I'm really glad you needed some fresh air and decided to come out here." She mutters and grins.

Yeah… I'm really glad, too.

* * *

 **Chapter 24 *Stones***

 _ **A couple days later… Brittany…**_

She wakes up with a weird feeling in her stomach. When she went to bed last night she managed not to think of it too much but today there is no way around it. It's the day… and she needs to face it.

In the past three months she always referred to it as _'almost two years'_. Whenever Puck or Rachel mentioned something they said _'because it's been almost two years'_. That didn't sound so frightening. It sounded undefined. But today it's been exactly two years and the thought scares her. With heavy steps she walks from her bedroom to the living room and throws a glance at the watch in her kitchen. It's ten past nine. Time to get ready and meet Linda and Veronica.

When Linda called her yesterday, they both didn't know what to say. They had been emailing ever since they had met at the café and Brittany has been looking forward to meeting her again but yesterday it was so weird… They talked on the phone to discuss what was going to happen on Friday which is today. And today is the second anniversary of Diane's death.

Linda asked if Brittany wanted to come see her family and have lunch with all of them together, including cousins and aunts and uncles. She thanked Linda for the offer but that is definitely not going to happen. She has never even met most of Diane's relatives. She knows Veronica, Di's mother, Linda and one uncle with whom they are very close to. But she didn't get to know Diane's father because her parents were separated and so half of the family are strangers to Brittany.

Linda then suggested that just the three of them could meet for coffee before the big lunch and it would give Brittany the opportunity to say to Veronica all the things she couldn't say two years ago.

With a very sick feeling in her stomach Brittany agreed because she owed it to Veronica. She had always been so sweet and welcoming when Brittany and Diane dated. Brittany loved her like a mother and that's why she said yes to a meeting after such a long time.

Last night she had a very hard time falling asleep and she almost called Santana at two in the morning but then she let it be. This is something she needs to do on her own. She'll call Santana afterwards…

Absentmindedly she changes into some decent clothes and eats half of an apple before she's ready to go. If Veronica will listen to her today then this is already more than she can ask for after shutting them out. It wasn't very hard to regain Linda's trust because they are just happy to be back in each other's lives but Diane's mother? That's a whole other level.

With a deep breath she grabs her bag and her car key and leaves the apartment.

* * *

 _ **At the same time in another part of town… Santana's POV…**_

This must have been one of the most surreal hours in my life.

Gabe called me yesterday evening and asked if I had time today to meet up with an attorney and discuss the first steps of our divorce. What a creepy feeling. The attorney told us everything we need to know to make this as agreeable as possible but it will at least take six months until everything is taken care of and then I am no longer officially Mrs. Santana Walker.

Well… I've never called myself by the last name 'Walker' and I know this is something that Gabe always found a pity and weird. It _is_ weird. It's a nice name but I never got used to it. Never… If I think about it, I feel silly. But this is something I don't need to worry about anymore. Gabe and I just took the next step towards a divorce and we now exit the attorney's office.

"So uh, I don't know about you but I could really use a beer or something but it's only 10am. Would it be weird to go for coffee together?" He asks when we walk next to each other on the sidewalk.

"Hm… I guess it's a little weird but why not?" I reply and point to a café across the street. He's fine with my choice and five minutes later we're sitting in front of each other at a small table and steaming mugs in our hands. While Gabe puts some sugar into his coffee, I take the time to look at him.

He finally told his parents about our separation and they didn't take it well as we already expected. But today he looks good. Not as exhausted as he usually does and there's something in his face that makes me wonder.

"Did you spend a few days in the sun?" I ask and Gabe frowns. "You look different. Fresher and more relaxed."

"Oh! Yeah I actually took a couple days off to clear my head and everything. And I decided to stop working late shifts. Roger and I have hired a forth doctor as an addition to our team. He's very young and works hard which gives me the opportunity to take it bit easier, you know."

I blink at him a couple times and don't know what to say. Is he serious?

"You… you work less?"

"Yeah I just thought why not hire someone new? It would be great to take things a little less strict and just enjoy my evenings and do something good for myself."

I'm speechless. This is like a slap across the face.

"But you always said that you couldn't afford to work less shifts and that your practice means everything to you. You always said no when I asked you to make more time for us."

Gabe's eyes widen and he straightens his back.

"Santana… this has nothing to do with us. After our break-up I realized that maybe I should change a few things."

"After our break-up? Why did you never consider this _before_?"

"Because… I don't know. Why are you asking me this now? This is not gonna change anything, is it?"

"No, of course not! But this upsets me, Gabe! You never thought of doing this for me and now that we're over you just – you just do it. This hurts a little!"

"Ok, look I'm sorry! I see how this seems really unfair. Maybe I would have changed something when we were together if I had known how much I was missing."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask in disbelief.

"Well" He breaks eye contact and stares at his hands. Something he always does when he's about to tell me news I didn't already know. "I uh… there is someone new in my life and I realized that it's worth it to work less and earn less money but to spend more time with another person."

Gabe takes a deep breath and looks at me.

"Santana after we broke up and I became a complete mess, I ran into Aida. I thought she was in Mombasa but apparently she's staying here for a while and uh… we kind of connected on every level and… we're probably going to give it a shot."

I stare at Gabe and can't believe what I'm hearing. The famous doctor Martinez, the one Gabe has always been admiring and adoring ever since we got married.

"You're dating doctor Martinez?"

"Sort of but it's not a sure thing, yet. We're gonna try."

"Oh wow" I exhale and rub my forehead. "Wow this is… you do know that this sounds super weird, right? I always thought if there was someone you'd have an affair with – it'd be doctor Martinez."

Gabe shakes his head vigorously.

"No, you have to believe me. I never had a thing with her when you and I were together. I swear. But once I told her that we were going to get a divorce, she confessed that she had always liked me a lot and then things kind of just happened. But as I said, it's all still new. I don't know if it'll work out."

We stare at each other for long seconds and then I sink back into my chair. Doctor Martinez… why is this only half as surprising as I originally thought?

Honestly though? This really makes sense. Aida Martinez is Gabe's age, she's a doctor, too and she's a traveler just like him. At first I thought this would make me furious. Finding out that Gabe is dating the woman I always thought he had a secret crush on. But now the only thing I can say to that is:

"Oh well…"

Gabe watches how I take a long sip of my coffee and he must sense that I'm not heartbroken.

"So, are you ok with this?"

I look at him closely and narrow my eyes. Will _he_ be ok when he finds out about Brittany?

"Yeah… honestly I think this is a good thing. You two probably make a whole lot more sense together."

Gabe thinks about it and then nods softly.

"I'm sorry" He mumbles but I'm not. I'm not sorry things have turned out this way.

I'm glad Gabe doesn't ask me if there is somebody new in _my_ life because this will probably take a couple more cups of coffee (or very strong liquor) until I will tell him about Brittany. I want to tell him eventually but for now the news about his dating life is enough to talk about and frankly I'm glad when our get-together will come to an end soon.

It's good to see him and see that he's doing well but this is not my life anymore. I want to go home and call Brittany to ask if everything went well with Linda and her mother. I know that it's been exactly two years today and that she must have been very nervous to meet Diane's mother after such a long time. She texted me to let me know what was going on today but I think she wants to do this on her own and I respect that.

Once our cups are empty, Gabe insists on paying for me and we say goodbye in front of the café. A handshake would be ridiculous and a warm hug wouldn't feel quite right, either. So we say goodbye by smiling at each other and he squeezes my shoulder before turning around. I choose the other direction.

* * *

It's hours later when Kurt and I do the dishes after a great self-made dinner. Actually we only made pizza but we did cut all the vegetables and pepperoni so…

"So now that the divorce is definitely happening, are you planning on looking for an apartment? Not that I want to throw you out because I absolutely love having you as my roommate. My actual roommate is such an idiot. But once he comes back you won't be living with your husband. Do you know what you're gonna do?" Kurt asks and takes a soapy plate I hand him.

"Yeah I really want to find my own place soon. He'll support me financially even though he's got a huge apartment to pay for. But I wish I could stay your roommate for a lot longer because it's been so much fun. And I'm really thankful you let me stay here, Kurt."

"No problem. It's been my pleasure. Hey do you want to go grab some ice cream later? We could rent a DVD…"

"Sounds great! But no Broadway tonight. Three times in a row is just not good for me." Kurt laughs wholeheartedly and makes some other suggestions until he gets interrupted by the doorbell.

"Who's this?" He asks and I shrug.

"Maybe the ice cream God who heard our conversation?"

"Maybe…"

He drops the towel onto the kitchen table and scoffs across the living room to open the door. I dip the last fork into hot soapy water and start rubbing it when I hear Kurt's voice in surprise.

"Brittany? What are you doing here?"

I stop my actions and turn around to see if it's really her. A wide smile is about to form on my lips when I see her striking blonde hair but then I realize that she has been crying and she looks miserable. I drop the fork and quickly dry my hands on my jeans. With quick steps I make my way to the front door where Kurt is already pulling Brittany inside.

"Goodness what happened to you, sweetie?" He asks and glances at me worriedly. I grab Brittany's wrist and try to make her look at me but she covers her eyes with her other hand.

"I'm so sorry to burst into your apartment, I'm sure you were having dinner or something."

"We were just done and even if we weren't, you wouldn't be bothering. What happened, Britt? Did something go wrong with Linda and her mom?" I ask.

Brittany shrugs softly and lets me pull her into the living room where I guide her to Kurt's small couch.

"Do you want something to drink?" Kurt asks and Brittany shakes her head with a weak smile.

"No, thanks. I'm ok, I just… I'm bit rattled I guess."

I sit down next to her and put my hand on her back to make soothing movements but she still looks so sad.

"Were they upset? Why are you crying?" I ask softly because I'm so worried. I haven't seen her cry often and it makes me feel miserable because she's always so strong and confident.

"You know what, maybe I should leave you two alone. I'll call Quinn and ask if she's up for ice cream. You can totally stay over if you want, Brittany."

I smile at Kurt thankfully when he grabs his jacket and heads towards the door. Brittany mumbles a 'thank you' and then Kurt is gone.

She falls into my arms as soon as the door closes and heavy sobs leave her lungs. I hold her close while she cries into my shoulder and grabs my elbow desperately.

"Veronica was so different" She breathes and takes a couple seconds until she continues. "She was so depressed, you know? I mean Linda warned me that her mom has changed over the past two years but I didn't think she would have changed this much. She was still being very nice and polite but her whole being is someone else! Sometimes she just stared into her cup for minutes and when I asked her something she startled and looked at me like I was a stranger. Maybe I am one… I don't know what I was expecting from that meeting but I guess I hoped to finally see her again and hear that she isn't mad at me and now this… she was so distant and hurt. Like a ghost."

Brittany takes a deep breath and wipes off some of her tears.

"She hasn't gotten over Diane's death at all. She still looks the way I felt the first three months after she died. A complete wreck… she's so down and I know exactly that the old Veronica will never come back. All this time I thought she was doing ok. I just assumed she managed somehow. But that's so silly! She lost her daughter! And it's still haunting me, you know? After the talk with Linda I thought I could leave it all behind. On the one hand I _can_ leave it behind but on the other it will always be this part of me that is just really depressing… is that ok?"

Her last three words sound so heart breaking that I have to push her away from me so she can look into my eyes.

"Brittany… it would be depressing if this _wasn't_ part of your life anymore. Diane's family belongs to your past and also to your future because you're still friends with Linda. Of course this is ok."

"No but I mean can you live with this? That I have this past with a dead ex and that sometimes this past comes rolling over me and makes me a crying mess like right now? I hope you don't think that this affects my feelings for you in any way."

I click my tongue at Brittany's silly thoughts and pull her in for a tight hug.

"I don't think that. What you and I have is something completely different and I'm ok with this. Besides… I bring quite an interesting past into this relationship, too. I mean hello? I'm still married! To a _guy_!"

Brittany's upper body shakes in my arms but I know this times it's because she's laughing. I chuckle and kiss her neck softly. After a while I lean back and drag Brittany with me until we're lying next to each other on the small couch with our knees bent and our arms wrapped around each other. Her breath hits my collar bone every three seconds and her fingers play with mine on my stomach.

"I've never even been here before." She mumbles after long minutes in silence and I turn my head to look at her.

"What do you mean?"

"I've never been here at Kurt's place to see you. You always come to my place."

"Oh… you're right. I guess I don't know if I can just invite people over since this isn't my own apartment."

"Yeah but Kurt invited me to stay over tonight."

"I know. Do you want to?"

"Do you?"

"Of course. You?"

"Yeah… been longing to sleep in your arms ever since last time."

"Which has only been a couple days."

"I know. Too long."

"True"

"Wanna go to bed now?"

"But it's only 7pm, Britt…"

"Oh"

She pushes herself up on her elbow and looks down at me with a smile. The tears are gone and she looks at ease. Actually she looks happy and I'm quite proud to have that effect on her. She leans in and kisses me gently on the lips, cupping my cheek with her hand. I melt at the warm feeling of her mouth on mine and her body pressed against me. This feels so right. Who would have thought six months ago that this would happen to me? Lying in the arms of a beautiful woman and have these deep romantic feeling for her. Who would have thought I'd find everything I had secretly been looking for in a stranger I met in the pouring rain?

"Hey you know what?" She whispers after parting our lips hesitantly. "We never really celebrated what happened that night outside of Puck's bar."

I grin with the feeling of a blush on my cheeks.

"You mean the fact that we did it like bunnies outside in the dark night?"

Brittany bursts into laughter and hits my shoulder.

"God Santana… way to kill the sweet talk going on." She says and rolls her eyes. "I actually meant the fact that we decided to give it a try."

I bite my lip and look into her eyes deeply.

"I know… and you're right, we never celebrated. We should drink on it! But I don't think there's champagne in our fridge. We do have orange juice and vodka though. Would that work?" I suggest and Brittany nods with a smirk.

"Definitely" She pecks my lips and then pushes herself up until she's standing next to the couch. "Come on. It's time to turn this day into a wonderful night. Where's the fridge?"

I point to the kitchen and Brittany laughs.

"Duh… Ms. Lopez, may I guide you there?" She reaches out her hand like a gentleman and I can't help but giggle at her behavior.

"It would be my pleasure Ms. Pierce."

* * *

"To us but also to you because you're brave to make this big step called divorce and because you're really… _really_ amazing."

Brittany leans in and pecks my cheek. We're sitting in my bed with only some shorts and t-shirt on and there are elegant glasses in our hands filled with what we have mixed together in the kitchen. I raise my glass, too and think of a toast.

"Thanks. And to you because you're stronger than I thought anyone could be and because being around you just makes me happy." Our glasses clink together and we take a big sip while looking at each other. Then I go on. "Soo… I really get to call you my girlfriend?" Brittany grins first, then nods convincedly.

"Yeah you really get to call me your girlfriend."

"Even if – I don't know… Chang asks?"

"Even if Chang asks."

"And what about Shelby?"

"Of course"

"And a stranger on the bus?"

"Absolutely"

I grab her hand.

"Score" I mumble before we both lean in for a kiss at the same time.

It's a night full of cuddles, kisses and whispers and I feel like a young girl all over again. We take turns at telling funny stories of our childhood and what started as a very sad day for Brittany ends with her chuckles till late at night.

* * *

 _ **The next morning… Brittany…**_

She hasn't been to Diane's grave since the funeral because the thought of visiting her dead girlfriend freaked her out and gave her sleepless nights. Really she was just being a coward because now that she's here; it's not scary at all. Who would have thought this day would come where she strolls through the churchyard and stops in front of the one grave with Diane's name on it and a date of birth that makes strangers who are walking by shake their heads affectedly.

But she's here now and she's not alone. She squeezes the warm hand in her own and this is what gave her the courage to show up. Weird how these things come together…

From the corner of her eye she watches how Santana beholds the tombstone and how her dark eyes wander over the silver inscriptions.

"Thanks so much for coming with me. At first I thought it might be weird but you have no idea how much this means to me." Brittany says softly and Santana looks up. The warmth in her eyes makes her feel so comfortable even though minutes ago she was still so nervous.

"Of course. It means a lot to me, too." The brunette whispers and then looks back at the grave in front of them.

It feels like a big weight is being lifted off her shoulders. She wasn't sure if bringing Santana would be a good idea but now she's really glad she did it. For a long time she was like a cold stone inside. Now with Santana she feels hot lava melting through those brick walls and it all makes sense again.

Diane wouldn't be mad at her for showing up with another woman. Ok, maybe a bit. Actually she'd be jealous as hell but also she'd be happy for Brittany. And that's why she feels endlessly relieved. She sends all her thoughts to Diane, wherever she might be while they are standing there and looking at the silver letters.

And then it's time to go. She loosens her hold on Santana's hand and puts her arm around her slim shoulders instead.

"Didn't you say your grandfather was buried here, as well?" She asks when they make their way back to the small path. Santana nods and points into another direction.

"Yeah, it's right over there. Do you want to see it?" She asks and Brittany's eyes smile warmly.

"Yes"

"Okay. Right this way."

She lets Santana lead the way and pulls her close to press her lips to tanned skin. The kiss on her temple makes Santana smirk softly and with one hand she reaches up to entwine her fingers with Brittany's.

The sun shines with everything she's got and the birds sing for them in the treetops above. It's a good day. And she can't wait to spend the rest of it with the person walking next to her.

* * *

 **Chapter 25 *Boxes***

 _ **Santana's POV…**_

"Mike… I don't know how to thank you. This is brilliant."

I drop the last box to the floor in front of me and grin exhaustedly at Mike who steps next to me with bags on his shoulders, a lamp in his left and a vase in his right hand. He balances the things across the living room and carefully puts them down on the dinner table. _My_ dinner table.

When Kurt asked me if I will be looking for an own apartment soon, I didn't think it would be _this_ soon. It's not even three weeks later and today I'm moving into my very first and own apartment. My neighbor is Mike which is not only the reason I got this apartment but also it gives me a good feeling. One of my dear friends lives right next door, so if I run out of milk or sugar - it'll be no problem. And I don't feel completely alone.

Because if I'm being honest: this freaks me out. I've never lived alone. I've never filled out a check that pays for rent. Never slept in bed alone with no one there. Well, that's not completely true because whenever Gabe went on one of his missions, I was on my own, too but I knew it would only be for a couple days. Now I'm all by myself – I don't even have a cat or a dog that would bark and warn me if there's a robber.

It was so nice to live with Kurt and hang out with him on the balcony till late at night, gossiping and chatting about pretty much everything. I wish I could have stayed his roommate for another while but when Mike told me that this beautiful apartment was available right next to where he lives, I just had to apply for it as my chances were really good. Mike is close friends with the owner so I got it right away.

And here I am… moving into my first apartment.

"No need to thank me, Santana. I'm happy to help you out. And besides… it's really cool to have you as my neighbor now. Maybe we can hang out sometimes after work and watch movies or something. Quinn is often here, too as you probably know." He grins and when he puts down all the stuff he'd been carrying, I pull him into a hug.

"That would be great. I'm looking forward to living here. Can't believe it's going to be my first night though. I don't think I'm prepared!"

Mike chuckles and bumps my shoulder.

"Don't worry, you're gonna be fine. And if not, you can always go outside and walk five steps to your left and knock on my door."

I give him a warm smile and then offer something to drink which he deserves after carrying boxes and bags from Kurt's place to here for the past two hours.

* * *

It's five in the afternoon when Brittany and I step out of her car. I can't remember the last time I felt this sick. Not because of Brittany's driving skills – they're great. But because we're about to meet my parents. Together. As in introducing her to them. As my girlfriend. Holy crap…

Yesterday I called my mother to let her know that I have found an apartment and that I'm moving in today. I can't say my mom was thrilled when she learned the news. I'm pretty sure she was hoping I'd move back in with Gabe and that we are back to being husband and wife. Because when she asked how things were going with me and Gabe and I told her that we filed for divorce, I heard a sob on the other end of the connection.

"Santana sweetheart, you're only twenty-four… are you sure there is no chance for you and Gabe to get back together? To be divorced at such a young age is simply tragic! And the two of you were such a nice couple. I can't believe you're getting divorced, I really can't. What about my hopes for grandchildren?"

I reminded her that she already has a precious grandson that my brother Ricky gave her but apparently it's not the same to see your daughter have babies.

"Do you still want to come see my new apartment? It would mean a lot to me." I had asked shyly and my mother was willing to visit me but not so soon. She needed to ask my dad first and since he still works many hours, it might take a while to find the time.

I know this means my dad is still upset with me for my separation from Gabe. He loves Gabe like a son… I know that he will never be ok with me dating someone else, let alone dating a woman. But I cannot hide my happiness from him just so he'll be comfortable. I can't be with Brittany and not tell my parents. My parents mean a lot to me although we've never been too close. I want their blessing and I want them to know who I am and who I love.

I can't expect my dad to welcome Brittany with open arms because I just know it's not going to happen. But I still want them to meet her and to know that she exists and that she's the one I want to bring home for Thanks Giving and Christmas. I want my aunts and uncles to meet her and my nephew to play with her. I've never felt this way when I was with Gabe. Sure, I was excited when I presented him to my whole family for the first time because finally it had been my turn to show up with someone special. But bringing home Brittany would mean something that goes so much deeper because I would show my family my true happiness. I'm scared because I'd be vulnerable. Showing them that I have found love in a woman would be such an intimate thing to do but I can't wait. It fills me with so much hope and excitement.

Why should I wait a couple of months to tell them? It'll never be the perfect moment to tell your parents that you're in a same-sex relationship when they have no idea. I've been married to a man. They think I'm straight and that I will marry another man someday. They think I'll have a traditional family like they do.

So why not come out to them now and show them who is making me happier than ever before? That's what I asked Brittany after having that talk with my mom and she said it's up to me. If it feels right – we should do it and tell my parents. I got so excited because I really want them to know and that's why we're here now.

I step next to Brittany on the sidewalk and put my hand on her lower back to guide her to my parents' house. It's a big house with a big front yard and roses everywhere. It's a shame I don't have a garden with my new apartment because I loved spending time in Gabe's and my rose garden. But you get some and you lose some. It's ok.

"You still sure about this? We can always run away before using the door doorbell." Brittany says with a smirk and grabs my hand from behind her back.

"Running away is no option, ok? I really want this, Britt." We stop by the front door and I turn to face her. "I'm so scared" I mumble and only realize now _how_ scared I really am because my chest feels tight and my heart drums.

Maybe my dad will never want to see me again. Maybe my mother will be devastated. Maybe they'll be ok with it? There's hope, right?

"I know" She says softly and pulls my chin up until we're looking into each other's eyes. "It's been many years but when I told my parents that I was gay, I was _terrified_. I thought my legs were going to literally break when I walked up to them because they felt that weak. I was lucky because my parents were more than ok with it and said they sort of already knew. But I want you to know that if things don't go well tonight – I'll be there. I'll be there for you and try everything to make you feel better. No matter what happens after we step inside, I'm going to be there right next to you, ok? We're together now and that means I'll always take your side."

I'm close to tears and wrap my arms around her neck to hold her tight. I definitely couldn't do this if she wasn't here. If my parents won't be ok with it, I know Brittany will.

"Ok" I whisper and feel her lips pressing against my neck. It relaxes me instantly and I could stand in front of this door all day as long as she'd hold me in her arms. Eventually I pull back and grab her face with my hands. Our lips meet for a kiss that gives me all the courage I will need tonight. It's soft and warm and a little bit hasty because of where we're standing.

"You ready for this?" I ask determined once our lips part and Brittany nods with slightly reddened cheeks.

"Absolutely"

And with that I raise my hand and press the door doorbell.

* * *

"So sweetheart, what is it that brings you here? We were just talking on the phone the other night and you didn't say you'd come for a visit. I would have made you a cake or your favorite dinner or something! You haven't been here in a long time and I wish you would have warned me so I could have prepared a deserved welcome!"

I chuckle and put a spoon of sugar into my cup of coffee. For the past ten minutes Brittany and I have been sitting opposite of both my parents in their huge living room and so far we've chatted a bit about work and our trip to New York.

"Mama that's ok. It was a spontaneous idea to come here so I thought we'd try without calling first. And coffee is just fine, don't worry." My mom smirks and nods before taking a sip of her coffee.

"But the reason I came here…" I glance to my right and see that Brittany is smiling encouragingly and me. "Is because I want to tell you something. Something that's very important to me."

"I already know about your new apartment, Santana. Your mother told me last night that you and Gabe are over for good and I said that it was ok with me as long as you're happy."

I turn my head to look at my dad because that's not what I expected.

"You're ok with me separating from Gabe? I mean… We're getting a divorce, dad and I know how much you love him."

My dad sighs and leans against the backrest of the couch.

"Yes, I know. And believe me when I say it makes me very sad and honestly I'm a bit disappointed in you. I would have expected from the two of you to fight for your marriage. But apparently it doesn't work like that these days. My parents would have found it a great sin if your mother and I had ever gotten a divorce but today things look different. People get married way too soon and that is why so many divorces are the result. It's not a scandal to get divorced anymore. It's almost like it's in fashion! But I don't get a say in what you and Gabe do, Santana. It's your life and you should do whatever you think is for the best."

My dad takes a drag of his cigar and shrugs. I feel the urge to cough because he's sitting right in front of me and the smoke wanders towards my face. I don't understand why my mother lets him smoke inside the house.

"It's a shame it didn't last longer but I'm not going to stop talking to you just because you got a divorce and moved into a new apartment. I'm not thrilled about it but it's ok."

I swallow when I hear my dad's words. I honestly thought he might disown me as soon as the word 'divorce' got called.

"Well… I'm glad to hear that, dad. I want you to know that Gabe and I didn't split up because we hate each other or did horrible things to one another. We still get along very well and he'll stay a part of the family. But it was never enough to stay together forever."

My mother reaches across the table to pat my arm with a sympathetic smile.

"We know, sweetie and it's alright." When I look at my parents being all relaxed about my divorce, my hopes go up that they will be fine with the idea of Brittany and I.

"So you drove all the way just to make sure we're ok with you living in a new apartment? That wasn't necessary." My dad says and takes another drag.

I clear my throat and shift in my seat. It's now or never. There's no turning back now that Brittany and I are sitting in front of my parents. Because I need to explain why she's here with me anyway as my mother keeps throwing glances at her and probably wonders why the hell my co-worker is sitting in her living room.

"Actually that's not the only reason I came here or why _we_ came here." I gaze at Brittany and smile nervously before focusing back on my parents. "As I said Brittany and I work together and uh… we've grown very close." I watch how my mother sends a look to my dad and then her eyes wander over Brittany's face while nodding slowly.

"I asked her to come with me today because what I want to tell you is really important to both of us and it means a lot to me that she gets to know you because… she makes me really happy since… we've been together."

I reach out to put my hand on top of Brittany's that's been resting on her knee. Her thumb gives me a gentle squeeze and that's when I dare to look up into my parents' faces once more.

Those are what I always imagined to be the faces of two people in utter and complete confusion. My mother's eyes have widened drastically and her mouth hangs open. She's looking back and forth between me and Brittany and our connected hands. There's a question mark hovering above her head that screams 'WHAT?!'

My dad just sits there with his arms crossed in front of his chest and his cigar fuming between his fingers. His mouth is closed and his expression is calm. He doesn't look at Brittany, he only stares at me. As if he's waiting for me to continue and say something that would make my previous statement invalid. I know that look. That's how he looks at people when he thinks they tell bullshit. That's how he looks at them when he thinks he knows everything better and when he thinks they try to make fun of him. He looks at people like that when he looks down on them.

"Brittany and I are a couple and that's why we came here. We wanted to tell you and I wanted you to meet each other. At first I thought I'd wait but then I decided there's no reason to wait with telling you because this means so much to me-"

"You're telling me…" My dad interrupts my babbling with a calm voice. It's calm but it freaks me out. "That you and this… Brittany are in a relationship?" He asks and I slowly nod after glancing at Brittany who looks less at ease than before.

"As in _lesbians_ " My dad adds and I swallow dryly. I don't know what I'm supposed to answer to that. Because the way he just said it, it sounds very averse.

"Uhm I… I don't really know-" I begin to explain but stop when Brittany's hand squeezes mine. I look at her and she smiles reassuringly.

"Mr. Lopez, if I may. When I met your daughter she was still in a relationship with a man. But I'm a lesbian, yes. I guess it's hard to define how we found together and what it's called that describes what we have but maybe that's not even important."

For a couple seconds nobody says a word and I'm waiting for something to explode or someone to start yelling. But it doesn't happen. My mother keeps staring at us and my dad sits there with the cigar forgotten between his pointer and his middle finger. There's no smile on his face, in fact it seems like his lips are barely there.

"Is this some sort of test?" My father speaks up after a while and I'm taken aback. Test?

"Dad no… no, that's what we came here to tell you. I want you to know what is happening in my life and this is it – Brittany and I, we're together. I understand if this might take a while to fully understand but I didn't want to wait. I didn't want to keep this a secret."

"Santana… I was very understanding when I heard that you and Gabe decided to go separate ways but this – this is making me feel utterly uncomfortable. I don't see how you can just come here without a warning and force me to cooperate." My father states and gets up. He makes a few steps across the living room and I watch him desperately while my mother still sits there and wordlessly observes Brittany.

I push myself into a standing position and walk after my dad.

"Dad! Wait, please. Can you just try and listen to me? Please… don't walk away now-"

"I don't know if I understand what you came here to tell me. This all makes no sense now, so please…" His lips form some words but nothing comes out of his mouth. The bitterness in his expression makes me stare to the floor in embarrassment and I don't stop him when he turns around and leaves the living room.

* * *

 _ **Brittany… the same night…**_

The devastated look on Santana's face makes her heart ache. She's been holding the brunette in her arms for what feels like hours even though they've only been back for a while. When they reached Santana's new apartment after coming back from her parents' place, Brittany didn't even look around much to inspect the surroundings. She only let Santana guide her to the mattress that'd been placed in the middle of the small living room and sank down next to her.

"Can we just lie down? I need a moment before we can make something for dinner. Is that ok?" Santana had asked and Brittany only nodded.

She knows that Santana doesn't have a couch or a bedstead, yet so she doesn't question the uncomfortable sleeping place and just lies next to the brunette, facing her. Santana's elbow is tucked between her cheek and the mattress and with her free hand she plays with a strand of Brittany's hair.

She watches Santana's actions while her arm lies protectively around the slim waist. Santana hasn't looked this crestfallen ever before. Maybe the night she showed up after the fight with her husband but tonight it's ten times worse.

After Mr. Lopez walked out on them, Santana had been close to tears and let her mother pull her into an embrace. Not that Mrs. Lopez wasn't shocked about their confession – she _was_ shocked. But she handled it way different than Santana's father. She whispered into her daughter's ear that he'd need some time and that things were going to be ok.

Sweet move of Santana's mother… she didn't freak out, she just took the news and hugged Santana to let her know that she was still loved, no matter how surprising this came.

"Do you think he'll still accept me for who I am?" Santana whispers after many minutes of lying there with her eyes closed.

"I don't know your father but I guess if you give him some time, he'll come around. He sounded very concerned about your happiness when it came to your separation from Gabe. I think he'll understand eventually. We just need to give him time, ok?"

Santana nods weakly and opens her eyes. They still look sad but there is hope, too.

"Ok" She mouths and cups Brittany's cheek with her hand. "I'm really glad you came with me, you know that? Even if it didn't work out so well."

"Hey… Actually I think we can be quite happy about the result. I mean your mom was the bomb. Did you see how she squeezed my arm when saying goodbye at the door?"

"No. She did?"

"Yes. And she smiled at me really sweetly although she seemed so concerned about you. Isn't it great that she was obviously ok with it? She didn't question it at all. That's something, right?"

Santana's lips form into a soft smile and she nods.

"You're right. Actually I had a feeling that my mom would be ok with it. She's very traditional and stuff and she almost cried when I told her about my divorce but she's always been a very tolerant person. Maybe she can convince my dad that it's not that bad."

"Yeah. We'll see what happens next but I think you can count on your mom."

She lets her hand wander over Santana's back and grins when the Latina puckers her lips for a kiss. Happily she grants the demand and leans in to close the gap between their mouths.

It's a consoling but also happy kiss because neither pulls away. She'll probably never get used to kissing those lips because they make her feel like she's as light as a feather. Even if they just experienced rejection from Santana's dad. Even if it means that things might get complicated when they want to visit her parents another time.

She still feels so happy and at ease to be lying here with a woman that changed her world upside down – for the better. She's sure that there will be more challenges to face for them in the future but it'll only make them grow closer.

The incident with Santana's father makes her feel so much closer to Santana because what counts is the fact that they are lying in each other's arms and consoling one another. Because it did hurt a little when Mr. Lopez didn't even look at her when Santana announced that they are together.

But the way those smooth lips move against her own and the way warm fingertips caress her cheeks makes her forget about Mr. Lopez' cruel reaction. It makes her feel all warm and fuzzy inside and she thinks she could stay like this all night. Just hiding there with Santana between all those unpacked boxes. Because what they are creating tonight is their own little safe place where it doesn't matter if they are happy or sad. It doesn't matter if they share tears and show weakness – it's just them.

* * *

 **Epilogue**

 ***Places***

 **(That feel like home when I'm with you…)**

 _ **Brittany…**_

 _\- No can do, Puck. Promised my lady some sweet lovin' and a romantic eve. Take Rachel out on a date!_

With a smirk she presses 'send' and lets the phone sink back into her pocket. Puck just asked her if she's up for some drinks with him and Rachel but not tonight. Tonight she's got better plans.

She searches for the key in her bag and then carefully opens the door to make sure the cat doesn't get a chance to run outside. It almost happened yesterday but it'll take another couple weeks or so until they can let her outside for the first time. As soon as she's closed the door behind her and has dropped her heavy bag on the floor, she hears soft meows.

"Aww did you wait for me to come home?" She says and rolls her eyes at her own funny voice when she kneels down to pick up the tiny cat with a white fur. "How are you doing,kitty? All good? Played and slept all day? You lucky one…"

She chuckles when the cat starts purring immediately and closes its eyes at Brittany's caresses. Newyork is still so tiny and easily fits into her arms.

"Aren't you the cutest kitty in the world? Hey what's this? Was that your tongue licking my thumb? Huh was it? Ugh shut up…" She mumbles because she's really acting silly. But the cat is just too cute.

Carefully she puts it back on the floor and watches out to not step on it when she walks into the living room. She already wants to yell _'babe?'_ towards their bedroom but stops when she sees her babe sleeping on the couch.

"Aww" She mutters. Cuteness overload.

Again she kneels on the floor but this time in front of the couch to stroke Santana's soft cheek. She wonders for how long Santana has been sleeping on the couch. She probably got off work around five as usual but Shelby must have pushed her to the limits because she looks exhausted even though her eyes are closed.

Maybe she should just let Santana sleep and they will cook something later. Sometimes they wake up at two in the morning and both feel like noodles or something so it wouldn't be new to cook in the middle of the night.

Just when she wants to get back on her feet, the brunette stirs and opens her eyes. She startles when she realizes that Brittany is right in front of her.

"Sorry" Brittany whispers but Santana just grins.

"I didn't even hear you coming home. How long have you been watching me sleep, little creep?"

Brittany laughs and then climbs over Santana's body to settle down right behind her. She spoons her side and supports herself on her elbow so she can look down at her girlfriend.

"Not long enough. You look really cute when you're sleeping." She leans forward and pecks Santana's lips. "Speaking of cute… somebody's trying to get your attention down there."

Santana follows Brittany's line of sight and looks down to the floor where Newyork is staring up at them, not sure if she should just join them on the couch.

"Come here" Santana coos and reaches for the small cat. She lifts it up and puts it on her stomach where it slumps down immediately and starts licking itself everywhere. "That's gross, Newyork. You can do that when nobody's watching."

But the cat keeps cleaning herself on top of Santana, oblivious to why she makes the two women laugh.

"So… I bought all the ingredients for your favorite dinner. Do you want to start cooking or are you too tired? We can also head to bed early." Brittany asks and lets her hand rest on Newyork's back.

Santana turns her head to face her and raises an eyebrow.

"Head to bed early? That would be such a pity." She replies and cups Brittany's cheek with her left hand while her right one is playing with the cat's fur. She lifts her head to capture Brittany's lips for an affectionate kiss. "Happy anniversary, babe" She mumbles when their lips part just an inch and a smile forms.

Brittany feels her heart swelling at Santana's words. She can't believe how giddy this makes her.

"Happy anniversary to you, too." She whispers and presses another kiss to Santana's lips. The thought sounds funny in her mind. Has it really been just a year? Already a _year_? Wow… "I can't believe it's been a year since we talked outside of Puck's bar and decided to give it a go. Can you?"

Santana chuckles and shakes her head.

"Talked? May I remind you that there wasn't much talking going on?"

"True… but it was super hot."

"It was."

"We should totally do it in a public place again."

"We did it in your office once."

Brittany laughs when she remembers that one time Santana sneaked into her office just before lunch and attacked her with hungry kisses. She had come to seduce Brittany for a quickie and ended up on the desk with Brittany's hand inside her pants and begging for release.

"Right. That was really hot, too. But we probably would have lost our jobs if Shelby had walked in on us. We didn't even lock the door and she used to show up in my office at least twice a day."

"How reckless of us… I really miss sneaking into your office to steal some kisses. You sure you don't want to come back to the Sylvester magazine?" Santana asks with a pout.

After working for Sue Sylvester and Shelby Corcoran for three and a half months, Brittany declined the offer to stay temporarily and applied for another job at a smaller magazine which had always been one of her favorites. Santana was a bit disappointed when Brittany decided to leave the Sylvester but soon she realized it wasn't a bad thing. Ever since they've been working at different places, they can't wait to get home after work and cuddle all evening long, telling each other about their day and making up for the hours they spent apart.

Yes it's official; she's madly in love with Santana and has never been happier while sharing an apartment, a bank account and taking care of their new cat which is almost like their child. Almost…

But she has arrived at this point where she can say that Santana is her family. She introduced her to her parents and her sisters and brothers and they all fell in love with her immediately. It took a little longer but also Santana's dad came around. After making a scene during their first meeting and not talking to Santana for two whole months, he showed up at their doorstep one evening and asked if they were up for a walk. The three of them made their way to a nearby café and papa Lopez apologized to Brittany and Santana for his behavior with tears in his eyes.

It wasn't what Brittany expected because she thought that Mr. Lopez would never be truly ok with it but it was so sweet to watch father and daughter reunite when Santana got up from her chair and fell around her father's neck. He officially welcomed Brittany to the family and gave her a bone crushing hug when they said goodbye that night. It was the best hug she's ever received…

"Britt?"

"Huh? Sorry… was lost in thoughts. I'd love to come back to the Sylvester magazine just to get our sweet lady kisses on in my office. But I always knew I wouldn't want to extend my contract because I've never been a fan of working for such big magazines. I kind of like the intimacy that we've got going on at ours."

Sometimes I wonder why I said yes when Shelby asked me to stay after my internship. But when Quinn and Kurt decided to stay and the salary was more than what I had expected, I just had to do it. I was finally able to afford my own life without Gabe's support. Shelby still asks a lot but at least she's stopped treating me like her personal butler. She takes me seriously now. And for now I'm having the best time.

* * *

 _ **Florence, Italy…Santana's POV…**_

"You have no idea where we are, am I right?"

"Sure I know where we are. I just want to check again."

"Let me see, it can't be that hard."

"It's not hard, I just lost track for a minute there. Hang on."

"Gimme that-"

"Wait, I want one more try. I'll find it."

"That's what you said five minutes ago and we're still as clueless."

"Because you keep trying to take the map out of my hands and I can't focus on the streets. What street is our motel again?"

"You've been looking for the street without even knowing what it's called?"

"I know what it's called and I just forgot because you keep interrupting me."

"San…"

"What?"

"You're holding the map upside down."

"Huh? Oh… I know that! I'm pointing it south."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to see something! You know what just shut up for a minute and let me figure this out. I'm starving." My cheeks are hot because the sun has been burning down on us and because I'm upset. This map of Florence is a freaking zoo! How are you supposed to find something in this maze?

Brittany's still standing behind me and looking over my shoulder. She places her hands on my hips and if I wasn't so annoyed right now, I'd lean into her and enjoy the touch. But this is really getting on my nerves. We've been walking up and down these small streets for at least thirty minutes without knowing where we're going because we somehow managed to take the wrong way. Also I'm sweating rivers under that sun and Brittany's body heat only makes it worse.

"Babe can you not stand so close to me right now? The sweat is literally dripping of my forehead and that's not sexy."

"Ok, sorry…" Brittany steps back and drops her hand from my waist. I thought that would make me feel better but when I turn around and see Brittany's awkward face, I feel terrible.

"No wait, I'm sorry." I grab her wrist and pull her close to me. I wrap my arms around her neck and hide the map behind her shoulder as I am sick and tired of it.

Her lips taste salty when I kiss her and it tells me she's feeling just as hot and sweaty. Actually that _is_ kind of sexy…

"I have no idea where we are" I mumble and let my head rest on her shoulder.

Brittany's chest moves up and down at a slow pace and it calms me down immediately.

"I know. We've only been in Florence for one day, it's normal that we get lost… Wanna try again?"

I nod and pull back. Together we hold the map in front of us and I follow Brittany's finger when she looks for the name of our street.

"There! Viale Raffaello Sanzio. This is where we must go. Now we're gonna walk down this alley and look out for the cathedral. From there it'll be easy to find the way back now that we have found the street. Ok?"

I smile at her and lean in for another kiss which causes her to smile.

"My little genius… I'm really lucky you're such a good travel guide."

"Come on. I'm gonna buy you some delicious Italian ice cream and then I'm sure our brains will start working again."

She takes my hand into hers and I let her lead the way back to our motel where we're going to spend the first night of our trip through Europe.

That night of our anniversary she suggested we should go travelling. I was lying in her arms in our bed after many hours of passionate lovemaking and was already falling asleep when she started talking about wanting to see all those places. I fell in love with the idea of going travelling with her right away and here we are two months later in beautiful Tuscany which is only the first stop of our trip.

* * *

 _ **Zurich, Switzerland…**_

"Holy crap, there are so many people"

"I don't think I've ever been surrounded by that many people!"

"What?"

"I said there are so many people!"

"That's what I said, too!"

"I can't hear you!"

"Come on, it's too loud here! Take my hand, I don't want to lose you!"

I grab Brittany's hand and try to lead the way to a place where we can talk better. When we arrived in Zurich yesterday and heard that there would be a parade, we pictured something like a couple hundred people marching through the city but this is insane. Some guy wearing nothing but silver boxer shorts and platform shoes started talking to us because he heard that we were speaking English and introduced himself as Larry from England who comes here every single year just to be part of the biggest techno festival around the globe. Brittany and I almost couldn't believe that but when he said that there might be up to nine hundred thousand people, I swallowed hard and let my eyes wander over the giant crowd that was surrounding us.

Larry also told us that we should check out the gay mobile because he must have seen me pressing a kiss to Brittany's lips when she made sure I didn't fall after stumbling something on the ground.

So when he said goodbye we looked out for that specific truck and that's where we are now. There are several trucks moving at a slow pace with dancing people in the back and audio equipment playing the sickest techno beats. I've never been a fan of techno but surrounded by that many people wearing all those funny and extravagant "clothes" I can't help but go with the flow and move to the beat while walking.

"I think I can see it! It's almost right behind us!" Brittany yells and makes me turn around.

The truck Larry talked about is the most colorful one and there are pretty boys with naked chests dancing in the back and waving pride flags above their heads. Brittany laughs when the truck comes closer and one of the boys points at us and blows a kiss.

The vehicle comes to a halt because there are too many people standing and dancing right in front of it and Brittany uses the opportunity to take one of the rainbow flags that the guys hand out to people walking by. She waves it in the air and I chuckle when I see her glowing face and the pride in her eyes.

"Hey beautiful! Come closer!"

I look up to the truck and see that a woman is pointing at me and making a sign to come over. She's got short blonde hair and she's wearing high heels, shorts and a bikini top. Her slender body is painted with body paint and when I look closer, I realize that the bikini top isn't real and I can actually see that her nipples are colored blue.

I must be ogling at her because Brittany laughs at me and gives me a gentle push towards the girl who is leaning down and holding a scarf with rainbow colors in her hands. After swallowing twice I step right in front of her and observe how she lifts the scarf over my head and puts it around my neck. Her face is just inches apart from mine and when she puts a finger under my chin to make me look up, I almost panic.

"Viel Spass" She says and I don't know what it means because it must be Swiss German but before I can properly think about it, I feel hot lips pressing to the corner of my mouth and I hear her chuckle filling my ear when she pulls away and goes back to dancing with her friends on the truck.

A little dizzy I make a step back and turn around to look for Brittany. She's standing right there and grinning at me with a funny expression.

"I guess I should be jealous but can I say that was seriously one of the hottest things I've witnessed?" She mutters and her eyes pierce into mine.

I exhale breath of relief because I just now realize that I got kissed by another woman and Brittany doesn't freak out.

"It was?" I ask and smile when Brittany grabs the scarf around my neck to pull me closer. "Well maybe I should go and kiss a bunch of girls then and make sure you can see it…" My sultry voice makes Brittany part her lips and I can feel her breath hitting my skin when I wrap my arms around her waist.

"Actually now that I think about it… forget what I just said. You're mine." She speaks and cups my cheeks with her hands.

"That's right" I agree and close the gap between our lips. "I'm yours" I whisper and I'm not sure Brittany can hear it because the techno beats are getting louder now that another truck is coming our way but I let her know by kissing her deeply while we're surrounded by all these people.

We earn whistles and cheers and I can't describe the feeling inside my chest. Except that I know I'm proud to be with Brittany and show people I've never seen before that I'm in love with a woman. When we pull apart I let my forehead rest against hers and catch my breath.

"I'm really glad where here." I say and earn a kiss to my cheek.

"Me, too. Wanna go grab something to drink? I'm dehydrating after seeing my girlfriend make out with a hot Swiss chick."

I slap her arm playfully and then put it over my shoulder to make sure we're staying close to each other while wandering through the dancing crowd.

* * *

 _ **Berlin, Germany…**_

"Can you believe we're looking at a piece of the Berlin Wall? I mean _the_ Wall?"

"It's just a piece of cement, babe."

"It's awesome…"

"Awesome but we've been looking at it for the past fifteen minutes and it's still just concrete. Can we go grab something to eat now? Like a currywurst? I hear they are amazing."

"Santana we're in Berlin. You have to appreciate these historic mediators the city has to offer. One day you wanna tell your kids that you stood in front of a remaining piece of the Wall and impress them. Currywurst is fun, too but if you compare it to the Berlin Wall then… know what I mean?"

I watch how Brittany steps closer to the big piece of wall and narrows her eyes to read some of the words that people sprayed years ago.

We bicker at each other all the time and I love it because it's never in a mean way. Sometimes we discuss things for hours and I get to know so many things about her that I had no idea of. Like I didn't know she's such a geek for German history.

But what makes me falter is what Brittany just said about telling my kids about the Berlin Wall one day. What kids? When? Me? Us?

We've never talked about the kids thing or the future in general. So far we've just lived our lives day by day and enjoyed the time we're spending together. On our first anniversary I wondered what the future might bring us but then forgot about it again. If I'm being honest it's because I'm bit scared of what's to come. Just a little bit…

Because when Gabe and I started dating, he asked me to marry him just a few months later. We're divorced now and hardly speak to each other anymore. I don't want this to happen again.

"Ok, I'm done looking. We can go. Actually I'm really hungry, too. Currywurst?"

I feel Brittany's fingers entangling with mine and I let her drag me away from what is left of the Wall.

"Yeah sure. Uhm Britt? What did you mean when you said this is something I'll tell my kids one day? Like… kids?" My heart does nervous flutters when I look at Brittany and she turns a little red.

"Oh San, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply anything. Forget about it, ok? It's just something that slipped out."

"Ok but… should we maybe talk about it?"

"Talk about what?"

"You know..."

We get interrupted when a guy steps close to Brittany and says something in German. He points to his cigarette and says "Fire!, please" when he realizes we don't speak his language.

"Sorry, we don't smoke." Brittany says and gives him a smile. The guy walks away and I ponder about whether I should pick up the topic from before or drop it.

"I think I saw a stall where they sell fries and currywurst before we came here. Do we still have enough Euros?" Brittany asks and puts her arm around my shoulder.

Change of subject means we're not gonna talk about it right now.

"Uhm yeah, I have enough. We could go grab some and then go to a park where we can sit down?"

Brittany presses a kiss to my temple and points the direction we need to go.

"Yes. Let's do that."

* * *

We've been sitting on a bench in this big park for the past thirty minutes and just chatted about what we've seen of Europe so far and what we expect from the other place still to go.

"I can't wait till our last destination. It'll be so romantic."

"Aww. I hope we find that tower. Can you hand me the bottle of water?"

I reach into my bag and give Brittany the bottle.

"Thanks. Or shall I say _Vielen Dank, gnädiger Herr_ " She says with a wink and opens the lid to take a big sip.

"I think you just called me a dude but you know… you're welcome."

Brittany laughs at her slip and then pulls her mobile from her pocket.

"Somebody just texted me. Oh it's Puck!"

I watch how Brittany's eyes run over the small screen in her hands and how they widen at what the message says.

"Oh my God" She mumbles and shakes her head.

"What? What is it?" I want to know and scoot closer.

"Puck says he just witnessed Mike asking Quinn to marry him!"

"What?" I exclaim and peer over Brittany's shoulder to read Puck's text.

"Apparently they are all at Puck's bar and Mike just kneeled down in front of her and asked her and she said yes. Oh wow…"

"Oh my God I can't believe that!" I laugh and read the message again. "Mike and Quinn are getting married? Wow…"

"I know, right? But when you think about it, it doesn't come that surprising. Mike's been so crazy about her ever since that staff party at the Sylvester magazine and Quinn hasn't been acting much different. I think they make a really sweet couple, don't you think?" Brittany asks and turns her head to look at me.

"You're right, they're very sweet with each other. And Quinn will make such a beautiful bride. Do you think we'll be invited?"

"Of course we'll be invited. You've become like Quinn's best friend, right? It wouldn't surprise me if she asked you to be her maid of honor."

"Yeah… that would be really sweet."

"And I'm sure you'd look amazing in a dress."

She takes another sip of water and then grins bashfully.

"What?" I ask and bump her shoulder.

"I was just thinking… I know we hardly talk about it but what kind of wedding dress did you wear for your wedding with Gabe?"

"Oh" I exhale a breath and smile at her. "Uhm… it was white. Of course and uh it wasn't one of these long robes that touch the ground. It was a rather short one and figure-enhancing but I loved that it was different. I didn't have a veil because I thought that's silly but I had these amazing shoes that were sinfully expensive. I only wore them that one day and almost felt bad for buying them. It was a really nice dress and I felt very special in that moment."

Brittany nods and it looks like she's picturing me in a white dress when a hidden smile forms on her lips.

"I never told this anyone but when I walked down the aisle I almost couldn't breathe. The dress was so pretty and I felt like a bride, I really did. But I couldn't breathe because I thought I was too young to be a bride. It was such a special day and I knew if I married Gabe then this would be the only time I'd get to wear such a dress and receive that ring. I couldn't help but wonder if I really wanted all this to be with Gabe. I felt terrible to think like that… and then I pushed the thought away because I was about to say 'I do'. And then we were married."

"I didn't know you already had these doubts so early. Weren't you happy in the beginning?"

"I was… But I couldn't stop thinking about it not being the ultimate feeling of happiness. I was happy but I wasn't close to bursting with happiness, you know?"

"I think I do. I was bursting with happiness when we decided to go travelling together."

I smile and cup her left cheek with my hand.

"Me, too. And I still am because we're here in Germany and even though we're far away from home, I feel like I'm home. Because you're with me…"

Brittany leans in and presses her lips against mine for another city kiss. So far we've had five different city kisses. L.A., New York, Florence, Zurich and Berlin.

I can't wait to make it six.

* * *

 _ **Barcelona, Spain…**_

"You burned your forehead."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, it's red. Does it hurt?"

"I don't think so. Ouch! Ok, it hurts when I touch it."

"Did you not put on sun cream?"

"Honey, I'm Hispanic. I don't do sun cream."

" _Honey_ , that's silly. Everybody needs sun cream. We're in Spain for Christ's sake, you're gonna get burned so badly. Let me do your back."

"You wanna do my back?"

"Yeah, I don't want you to get skin cancer."

"Good point… but there are people everywhere. I can't just take off my bikini top."

"Lie on your stomach and nobody will see your rambunctious twins. Come on."

I sigh and turn to lie down on the towel and pull my hair from my neck. I turn my head and rest it on my wrists to have a look at what Brittany's about to do. She's wearing a yellow bikini and a straw hat and reaches for the sun cream in her bag. She kneels right next to me and I feel gentle fingers fumbling on the straps of my bikini top. I jerk when I feel cold cream dripping onto my back and how it gets spread with slow motions.

"You're good at this" I mumble and sigh when Brittany starts massaging my shoulder blades. "I should get burned more often."

"Or you could just ask for a massage."

"Or that… seriously, where did you learn this?" Brittany's fingers knead my skin delicately and it feels like she's not missing out one single inch.

"I guess I'm just a natural."

When she pays more attention to my lower back, I almost moan in pleasure because in front of my inner eye I picture us doing this naked. Embarrassed about my thoughts running wild while we're surrounded by people and children playing in the sand, I press my eyelids together and focus on the sound of waves in the background.

It's probably for the best when Brittany ties the straps and lets me know that I can turn around because I need to cool down.

"Thanks. Now I won't get burned anymore." I mumble and grin when Brittany puts some cream on her pointer and applies it to my forehead.

"Correct. Wanna get into the water?"

"Yes, please. I need to cool down. Your massage was quite a turn on…" I admit and get onto my feet.

"Sorry, didn't mean to." Brittany replies innocently but I know for sure she absolutely meant to.

"Liar" I tease and start jogging down to the water.

I stop abruptly when I realize that the water is freezing and I already want to turn around and walk back out but two arms wrap around from behind me and drag me deeper into the water.

"No wait! It's cold! Brittany, wait!" But next thing I know is how I stumble and dive under water.

When I get back to the surface and wipe the water off my face, I hear Brittany's laughter right behind me. I turn around and get a load of salt water into my mouth.

"Ugh gross!" I yell and swim towards Brittany to make her stop splashing water at me.

I wrap my arms around her shoulders and cling to her like a monkey.

"I can't stand on my toes anymore, we're already in too deep." I speak as I feel her hands on my back.

"Don't worry, I got you. Sorry about pushing you in. But you said you needed to cool down so… are you still turned on?"

I laugh and shrug while playing with Brittany's damp hair.

"Little bit… but you're not gonna start touching me under water because there are people swimming near us and I'm pretty sure I just saw a guy with diving goggles."

"Too bad" Brittany mumbles and kisses my jaw. "Sex on the beach has totally been one of my fantasies…"

I moan softly when her hands wander up and down my thighs and she keeps nibbling down my throat.

"Brittany…" I want to say with a warning tone but it comes out as a breath. "Stop teasing. That's not fair."

"Ok, ok" She chuckles and her hands come back to the surface. "But I'm so gonna tease you when we get back to our hotel room. Race me to that buoy?"

I turn my head to see what buoy she's talking about but she had already freed herself from my clasp and starts crawling over there.

"Hey! Head start!"

But Brittany doesn't hear me because she can swim like a dolphin and I'm just floating there like a jelly fish.

* * *

"Wow I can't believe two hours ago the sun was burning down on us and now it's pouring. Of course it has to rain on our last evening in Barcelona." Brittany mumbles and looks out of the window. "Look, it's already collecting to a puddle on our balcony!"

I step behind her and look over her shoulder to observe the rain falling down in thick drops.

"I wonder if it's cold rain or warm rain." I say and let my chin rest on her shoulder.

"Wanna go see?"

"But I just stepped out of the shower and dried my hair."

"Ok then I'll go see for you." Brittany opens the balcony door and steps outside barefoot. She's still wearing her bikini and some shorts and makes a few steps. "It's warm!" She looks up into the sky and lets the rain wash over her face. Her hair gets wet within seconds and I laugh when she starts dancing because music sounds from one of our neighbor's balcony. It's an old Orishas song and my jaw drops down when Brittany does those Latin moves. She's a goddess… a dancing goddess and she makes a rainy day in Barcelona look extremely sexy.

She turns around and I get to stare at her back that is perfectly tanned after five days under the Spanish sun. And she didn't get burned… a glance she throws over her shoulder and tilts her head.

"Aren't you gonna join me out here? It's awesome."

I don't waste another second thinking of my dry hair and step outside. The rain engulfs me immediately and I shudder at first. The rain is warm but combined with Brittany's dance moves I get shivers all over my body. Her back is still turned towards me and when I step close to her, I automatically place my hands on her waist. She cups my hands with her own and guides them to her stomach where she presses them to her skin and leans back into my embrace.

"I love your dance moves" I whisper into her ear and kiss her neck teasingly slow.

"And I love it when you watch me dance" She breathes and pushes my hands up higher.

Alarmed I lift my head and look to both sides. No one is out there, Brittany and I are the only ones standing on our balcony in the pouring rain. The music comes from upstairs and makes Brittany move rhythmically in my arms.

I relax when there is no one watching us and let her guide my hands up until I'm holding her breasts in my hands and squeeze them gently. The water is dripping down her cleavage and I bite my lip when I hear a content sigh.

"You know I just remembered something" Brittany husks and presses my hands harder against her.

"What's that?"

"I remembered the first day we met. It was raining like it's now and I was about to cross the street to get to my car." I open my eyes and look up to see Brittany's face from the side. Her eyes are closed and her lips parted. "And then you came out of nowhere"

I swallow because I have no idea why she wants to talk about the accident now. Because that accident is everything else but sexy as I almost killed her.

"Britt do you seriously want to talk about it now?"

She chuckles and shakes her head, her eyes still closed.

"No I just wanted to let you know…" With one hand she reaches behind herself and grabs the back of my neck. She turns her head so we can look into each other's eyes. "When you hit me with your car… it was the best thing that ever happened to me, Santana."

I want to laugh and say that getting hit by a car is horrible but I get shushed by a wet mouth against my own. _It was the best thing that ever happened to me, Santana._

I pull back to get a breath of air and when she opens her eyes, I look at her deeply. With that look I tell her that it's the best thing that's ever happened to me, too and then I grab her wrist to pull her inside.

She gropes my stomach and almost tears my shirt apart when she takes it off me. I reach behind her back and open her bikini top with trembling fingers. Standing in front of me and wearing nothing but jean shorts, I let my eyes wander over her body. Beautiful is an understatement.

With one big step she is inches apart and roughly pushes me back so I fall onto the bed. I want to object but she's already hovering above me and sucking all the air out of my body with furious kisses.

I don't know how we managed to take off our shorts and how she sneaked behind my back to open the clasp of my bra but when we're lying naked on the bed with our legs entangled and our hips grinding into each other, I forget the world around me.

All I hear are Brittany's gasps when I roll on top of her and pull one of her thighs over mine. All I see are her blue eyes that resemble the ocean so much when I start a rhythm between our bodies. All I feel are Brittany's fingernails digging into my back and the unstoppable climax building in my lower stomach.

The raindrops have turned into pearls of sweat and they are wandering down Brittany's neck, one after the other. Her fingers keep slipping over my skin because I'm in a similar state and I'm pretty sure a thermometer would explode in this room.

I have never felt this hot but it's amazing. There's literally no space left between us, not even for air and when I kiss her neck and breathe hotly against her skin, she starts shaking and trembling uncontrollably. I hold her tight when she comes and get surprised by my own release seconds after.

Some incomprehensible words leave her lips but she's breathing too hard to repeat them. And so she looks up to the ceiling and takes a couple breaths to calm down. Her tongue wets her lips and just then I realize how dry my mouth is.

I kiss her chin to get her attention and when she looks down, a tired smile graces her lips.

We're both too exhausted to say something or to get our bodies into another position that would allow us to breathe better. It doesn't matter and so I collapse fully on top of her and kiss her shoulder before closing my eyes and letting exhaustion take over.

* * *

 _ **Paris, France…**_

"So when we were in the plane…"

"Yes?"

"You were sleeping."

"Okay"

"And uh…"

"And what?"

"And I was thinking."

"About?"

"About that thing you mentioned in Berlin."

"What thing?"

"That… future thing."

"I'm not quite following."

"When we were standing next to the remaining pieces of the Wall."

"Oh…"

"Yeah and then I asked if we should talk about it but we changed the subject. And when we were in the plane I had time to think. You know how I get when I have too much time to think. I literally think about everything and-"

"Santana just tell me. We can talk about it."

"Right. Well… When you mentioned me or… _us_ having kids, I was overwhelmed. I know you said it just slipped out but really, I can't stop thinking about it."

Brittany takes my hands into hers and gets me to look at her. We're sitting in a park in Paris and behind Brittany's back there is the freakin' Eiffel Tower.

"Can you not stop thinking about it because it scares you? We don't have to talk about it now Santana. We've only been together for a year. And we're young. We've got all the time, right?"

"No, I know. I know we do. It doesn't actually scare me. But after Gabe and I broke up, I never wanted to think about marriage and babies ever again. I had built this aversion towards the thought of ever starting a family with someone because I kept picturing it the wrong way. Like I didn't picture it with you."

"Who did you picture it with?"

"I weirdly still pictured it with Gabe. Because he was the only one I ever really had a relationship with. When we got married, we were supposed to stay together for the rest of our lives. Hypothetically… so even though we had split up, I still pictured his face when I thought of things like family. It happened automatically, I don't know. And then I thought it's better to just push it aside and not think about it at all. So when you mentioned kids, I was overwhelmed."

Brittany is looking at me and waiting patiently while I speak.

"So when we were in the plane and I was asleep and you thought about all this stuff- did you still picture it with Gabe?" She wants to know.

I shake my head, then I take a deep breath. Excitement fills my chest.

"No. I pictured it with you, silly."

"How does that feel?" She almost whispers and I can see a hint of fear in her eyes.

I bite on my lip and my glance drops to our hands.

"My heart starts beating fast… really fast. And my knees go weak. I even feel a little dizzy when I picture you and me going all the way. It makes me nervous. But the good kind of nervous. And I realize that this feels so…"

"So what, Santana?"

I look up and meet Brittany's blue eyes which are begging and hoping desperately for me to say something positive. A smile forms on my lips and I shrug softly.

"So real. It makes my heart beat fast because I get so excited. I never thought I'd want to get married ever again or have my own family. I thought I wasn't good at it because I failed with Gabe. But when I think that this time it would be with you then I want it. I mean… not right now. You just said we're still young and you're right. But I want to do this with you one day. I want it all…"

"Wow I-"

"Only if you want it with me, too of course. I'm just talking for myself and would understand if you have a different opinion."

Brittany laughs softly and then she leans in and kisses me on the lips.

"Are you kidding?" She whispers and lets go of my hands to grab my face. "Of course I want it with you. Who else? Let's take small steps and talk about the future bit by bit. But if there's one thing that I can promise you, Santana Lopez…"

I laugh when she tries to stay serious but has to giggle, too.

"Then I promise you that I'm in all the way. And I think with you and me… anything's possible."

I wrap my arms around her middle and push her down until she's lying on the small blanket we have spread. I cover her face with kisses and start giggling when I feel her chest moving up and down quickly with laughter.

* * *

"Bonsoir Madame. Qu'est-ce que vous désirez?" I stare at the gentleman behind the Crêpes stall because I didn't expect he'd speak French.

Which is stupid. Of course he speaks French. How is he supposed to know we're Americans? I'm the tourist, I have to adjust. Ok, keep cool. Speak French.

"Bonjour. Uh… Deux Crêpes, s'il vous plait. Une fois à la cannelle et l'autre avec du chocolat pour mon amie." Oh my God, please make him understand what I just said and not burst into laughter because my French sucks so badly.

Brittany is standing right next to me and it would be really embarrassing if he switched to English and asked me to repeat my order. But the man smiles brightly and nods enthusiastically.

"Avec plaisir! C'est tout?"

"Oui, merci." He tells us to please wait three minutes and so I step away and make space for the person standing behind me in line.

When I look at Brittany, she is staring at me with her mouth hanging open.

"Ok that… was probably _the_ sexiest thing I've ever heard." She mumbles.

"What?"

"You ordering pancakes in French, duh."

"Those aren't pancakes. They're called crêpes."

"Crap?"

"Almost… you really think that was sexy?"

"Uhm yes? Why the hell do I not know you speak French?"

I laugh nervously and I'm pretty sure I'm blushing hardcore. So far this used to be my little secret.

"I don't really… but during my time at college I took some French classes in the evening because I loved the language. And… I always wanted to go to Paris."

Brittany's eyes widen at my confession and she wants to ask me something but gets interrupted by the man who hands us our two crêpes. Mine with cinnamon and Brittany's with chocolate. My order was correct.

She pays him and then we stroll through the streets of le Quartier Latin and eating the best "pancakes" Brittany's ever had.

"So you speak Spanish _and_ French and never told me anything about it? How can you keep such a sexy secret from me?" Brittany asks and takes a big bite of her crêpe.

"My French really isn't that good. I didn't want to embarrass myself."

"But I don't speak a word French. You could have said anything and made mistakes and I'd have no idea. Please something else… I want to hear more!"

"Ok, ok! But promise not to laugh."

"Of course not."

"Alright" I take a breath and check if there's no French person standing close to me who might hear me talk. "Ok here we go: Je suis à Paris avec une jolie femme."

Brittany stops walking and grabs my wrist to make me stop, too.

"What does that mean?" She asks and keeps looking back and forth between my eyes and my lips. I clear my throat and shrug.

"It means I'm in Paris with a pretty woman."

"Aww… what else?"

"Uhm… Est-ce que tu es heureuse quand tu es en voyage avec moi? Or something like that..."

Brittany chuckles at my insecurity and puts a stray of hair behind my ear. We're standing at a random street corner and it's getting darker since the sun is slowly setting.

"And what was that?" She asks with a smirk.

"I asked you if you're happy travelling with me. Or at least I tried."

Brittany steps closer and wraps one arm around my neck. Her cheek brushes against mine when she leans in to whisper into my ear.

"Oui. I am very happy."

We're both grinning like idiots when she pulls back and we start walking down the road.

"Say one more thing before we get to our motel room." Brittany begs once we have finished our crêpes and approach our current residence.

"Ok one more thing… But I have to whisper it into your ear."

"Why, is it something naughty?" Brittany wants to know and perks an eyebrow.

"Maybe"

"Okay, I'm listening."

I cup her face with one hand and hold it still so I can step on my toes and whisper into her ear.

"Je t'aime…"

Brittany wraps her arms around my waist and holds me close.

"I think I know what that means." She mumbles. Warm hands run over my back when she kisses my temple before saying: "I love you more."

* * *

It's 3am when I climb out of bed and step towards the balcony door. I woke up because there are still people partying in the streets and it sounds like they're having a blast down there. I take a couple breaths of fresh air and shiver when I stand there for a while, only wearing underwear and a tank top. The stars are perfectly visible tonight and I wish Brittany was awake to have a look at them, too. But she's slumbering in our double bed and after another minute I'll go back under the covers and wrap my arms around her body to warm up.

I smile when I throw a glance over my shoulder and see how she's stealing my blanket in her sleep. That's really ok… Because it's this lazy comfortable perfection of existing with another person that I have always wanted and here I am… we're working it so well.

Sometimes we get on each other's nerves because we both think we're right about something. But then we start discussing and it turns into this conversation that could go on for hours and never turns boring. Sometimes we just sit next to each other, read a book or listen to music and don't say anything because there's no need to.

She's my match made in heaven.

Some people would say that can't be true and that I'm naïve. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic. But when I look at her and she's sleeping so carefree and making my heart beat faster – I know it's true.

 _ **Fin...**_

* * *

July 12th, 2012


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